Part One: this is a gift, it comes with a price/who is the lamp and who is the knife?
Chapter One: Of Petunia and First Year
My life is not a fairy-tale.
I…I'm sorry, that's a really stupid way to start this but there really is no other way. You know that Petunia always went on and on about how perfect my life is and perfect I am and isn't everything just fucking perfect and easy for me because she obviously knows everything that happened in it. I mean, even you and mum deluded yourself into thinking that my life at Hogwarts was perfect and everything was just fantastic and wonderful. Granted mum did this more than you, though she was um around longer. I-I know it's mostly my fault; I didn't exactly open up to anyone about it all. Fucking hell not even my closest friends know everything that happened….Maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's why I'm sitting here, in this cemetery, talking to you. You were always so interested in the Wizarding World and not just in the magic but in the workings of it and I can't help but think that if you hadn't…
Well there's no use in thinking like that I suppose.
There's just so much that no one else knows and I just…I can't…somethings are better left unsaid to certain people; it will only open old wounds that are better left stitched up. But I have to say it; I know that's the only way to make this-this-this hole in my chest go away. I…I'm scared dad, properly terrified, and you could always make me feel better so I figure if I tell you everything I'll feel better.
Well not everything just the important things; like the story of how my life got completely turned upside down inside out and thrown into the fiery pits of hell where it never recovered because change is good but it also can be bad, very bad, and sometimes it is both. And my life was changed, completely and utterly turned on its head, and I have yet to decide if it was for the better or not. Maybe it just is and it doesn't matter if it's for better or worse because life just is. I don't know.
…Oh damn this isn't making any sense at all, is it? Bollocks. Sorry. I just, I just don't really know where to begin. Properly being that is. It…
Um, well it's been a while since I've talked to you. I'm nineteen now and married (I know what you're thinking dad and be quiet). I just found out that I'm pregnant (again: shut up) and I…I just wanted to talk to you. I'm so confused and terrified and I just want to figure out how I got to this point. You always helped me with that sort-of stuff and I just thought maybe you could help me one more time…
Growing up I've always known that something was different between me and Petunia. Whenever she threw a tantrum, she always had to slam her bedroom door on her own. Whenever I threw a tantrum every door in the house would slam and I wouldn't be standing near any of them. I could make flowers stop wilting out in our garden. I could jump off swings and soar in the air before lightly landing on the ground as if I was just stepping out of bed. I could make my room clean itself. My hair could grow back after a haircut if I wanted. But you know all of that. I knew I was different from everyone else in my family, even at the age of nine. I didn't know how I was different but I knew that I was and, in a way, I knew how to control it. Not completely, but I could control it enough that I could make flowers grow if I wanted. Heh remember that time I actually made it rain petunia and lily petals in the living room for mum's birthday? To this day I don't know if you all were more awed or disturbed; of course in my eight year old mind you thought it was the most incredible thing ever.
But this isn't important. Sorry. Again.
Anyway, like I said, I didn't know how I was different, not until I met someone who was like me. He told me what I was and introduced me to the Wizarding World. After Petunia he was my first friend. First true friend anyway and looking back he may not have been even that.
His name…
His name was Severus Snape.
I know that you were never overly fond of Sev, most people aren't, but he was an important part of my life.
The moment when I befriended Severus was a turning point in my life. Up to that point my life had been so easy, for the most part, Petunia was my best friend, you and mum doted on me, I was a personable, charming, intelligent, pretty child who everyone adored despite the odd things that occasionally happened around me. That sounds egotistical, I know, but it's true, dad, don't try to say otherwise. When I befriended Snape everything changed.
For one thing he told me what I was; he told me I was a witch. He explained certain things about the Wizarding World and he made me feel better when I wondered if it was a bad thing that my parents weren't wizards as well. He told me it didn't make any difference….
Ahem.
My relationship with Petunia was different after that day. It was not as bad as it would eventually become but we fought more after that. Mostly we fought about Sev; Petunia didn't like him much and didn't understand why I was friends with him since he was a generally unpleasant person as she liked to say. Personally I think she was jealous that I could do the things I could do and that I actually had another person to do it with. I know that she was, as a matter of fact, but you know that Petunia and I always did everything together and I think she hated that I finally had someone else to do things with especially things that she couldn't do; she hated being set apart from me like that. One time I caught her trying to do some magic. At the time it made me giggle and I tried to help her, because if I could do it why couldn't she, though she refused my help, obviously embarrassed. Now it just makes me want to cry, though most things do that these days.
For the next two months Petunia and I walked on eggshells around each other. We were still friends, yes, but I was always careful to mention Sev as little as possible and I tried to not do any magic because whenever I did either of those things her face always became sort-of pinched and she just looked sad and scared and angry. Even though we were fighting more often then, she was still my older sister and I still loved her and wanted to do everything with her and yearned for her approval. The problem was that Sev did not like Petunia at all, and vice versa, and whenever I spent a long time with Petunia he would get bothered by it. Annoyed that I wasn't spending time with him, you live with her you see her all the time you hardly ever see me, and I would feel so guilty because Sev had a shit home life and I knew that and I knew that he didn't really have any other friends besides me and I would just feel so bad and want to cry from guilt. You know me, I hate displeasing anyone and I always just blame myself, and this was no different. I tried to have the three of us just do stuff together but Sev always wanted to do talk about magic and our futures at Hogwarts and, naturally, I was interested in that as well but it always left Petunia out and she would just leave. Then whenever the three of us did something that Petunia wanted to do, Sev would always sneer and jeer until she left, more often than not in tears. It was just awful; Merlin was it awful. Eventually Petunia stopped joining us which I know Sev was stupidly happy about; he always liked having me all to himself. Despite all of this Petunia and I were still friends; she didn't like that I was friends with Sev but she blamed him for the wretchedness of everything. Rightfully so, too.
This all changed once I received my Hogwarts letter; you probably remember this day just as well as I do. Professor McGonagall knocked on the front door, I answered it, and she handed me my Hogwarts letter and explained everything. Then you and mum had plenty of questions to ask and Petunia and I just sat there listening. Everything McGonagall told you I already knew from Sev. He came by later that day, more excited than I've ever seen him, shouting that he got his letter. I went out to meet him and I remember, I remember this very clearly, you and mum were talking out in the hall and I was running out to meet Sev and Petunia asked McGonagall if me going to Hogwarts meant that I would have to leave. She answered that yes, yes it did.
I can still perfectly hear Petunia asking that.
The next few weeks were so hectic and amazing. Finally everything that Sev told me was real. I got my wand, willow ten and a quarter inches, and all of my school things and robes. Remember how when I got the pointed cap I would never take it off? I slept in that thing. It's funny because I hardly remember wearing it at Hogwarts.
I showed Petunia everything I got and she seemed interested though the closer September first came the more distant she became. I wish I…well there's no point in wishing anymore.
On September first Sev and I were so excited we could hardly sit still and, well, we went into Petunia's room and discovered a letter from the Headmaster of Hogwarts addressed to Petunia. Well, okay, it was Sev who really did it but that's not the point. It said that Petunia couldn't go to Hogwarts because she didn't have magic. To this day I am not entirely sure how she wrote to him, maybe she gave it to McGonagall to give to Dumbledore, I'll probably never know.
So we went onto the platform and I knew, I knew, that Petunia was upset and I wanted to comfort her, but, of course, instead I just made everything worse. It was the first time she ever called me a freak and it certainly wouldn't be the last. Freak ended up being a particular favourite insult of Petunia's.
I hardly remember getting onto the train and finding a compartment, I was too busy crying. The compartment I did find, I ended up sharing for a brief time with two loud boys, one of whom is now my husband. Heh. It really wasn't the best first impression, they insulted Sev and we left to find somewhere else to sit. That'll be an interesting tale to tell the chil…. We found a compartment with two people in it, Peter Pettigrew and Mary Macdonald, both of whom ended up becoming two of my closest friends. I was still upset though, and extra upset at Sev for not giving a damn about Petunia and why the whole thing upset me. So I did talk to them but we didn't become friends just then. I think all of us were too nervous.
Anyway so we got to Hogwarts and we were sorted. As you know I was sorted into Gryffindor, along with Peter, Mary, and the two boys from the compartment. Sev was sorted into Slytherin. I was disappointed, obviously, he was my only friend there and now it would be difficult to see him. Or so I thought at the time, Slytherins and Gryffindors have numerous classes together.
Anyway I sat with Peter and Mary at the Gryffindor table and ate dinner. I felt a bit better after eating and talking with them. Mary was like me and didn't have any magical parents. Peter had one magical parent. Peter was a quiet boy but once he got talking he had me and Mary laughing for a good five minutes. He has a way with words and, honestly, makes the best facial expressions. Mary was a very nice girl who talked and smiled a lot. She was in awe of everything like I was.
At the end of dinner, Dumbledore, the headmaster, stood up and gave a speech. I do not remember anything that he said all I remember is thinking about what I told Petunia on the platform, that I could talk to Dumbledore and persuade him to let Petunia come to Hogwarts. Once he finished, instead of following the crowd like I should have, I went up to the table where all of the teachers sat.
At that point in my life that was the most terrifying experience ever. Obviously what I was doing was a rare thing as every single teacher stared at me; it took me a few seconds to get the words out. I asked to speak to Professor Dumbledore and introduced myself. When I told him my name I swear he knew exactly what I was there for. He kindly explained to me that it was impossible for my sister to come to Hogwarts because she didn't have magic in her. I asked if there could be an exception as she really wanted to go or if she could just visit for a few days but both suggestions were quickly dismissed all because Petunia didn't have magic; that was the main reason I was given each time. By the time I was finished the Great Hall was completely empty and a huge sting of homesickness hit me and I just wanted to curl up in a blanket and cry like I used to do with Petunia whenever I had a bad nightmare. Because maybe all of this was just a dream; it felt like one.
McGonagall offered to show me to the Gryffindor House but I lied and said that I noticed which way the students went and I ran out of the hall before they could interfere. It was a stupid decision as I had no idea where I was going, but I wanted to be alone. I did get lost, very badly lost, Hogwarts is a huge castle with moving staircases, talking paintings, ghosts, and no number of Sev's stories could've prepared me for walking around the school at night. It was frightening to say the least.
Eventually a Ravenclaw prefect named Dorcas Meadowes found me. When she did I was sitting in a corridor crying. She sat down next to me and we talked a bit. Dorcas is a Muggle born as well and knew exactly what I was going through; she had missed her parents something fierce during her first year but she assured me that it got easier once I made friends and classes started. She led me to the Gryffindor tower and explained the moving staircases and everything. By the time we reached the Fat Lady painting that blocked the entrance to the Gryffindor common room, I was feeling a lot better. Dorcas gave me the password and recommended that I write a letter home in the morning. She said that if I needed anything all I had to do was look for her in the library or the Ravenclaw common room.
I found my room that I shared with Mary and another first year Gryffindor girl named Marlene McKinnon who was sleeping when I came in. Mary was awake and, apparently, had been waiting up for me. I told her what happened and then we went to sleep.
The next day Peter, Mary, and I were attached together at the hip. Marlene, I learned, was a pureblood who knew a few other students in other houses. The three of us only got lost two times during the first week. To this day I am so grateful for Dorcas, I never would've made it through my first year without her; she helped me come accustomed to Hogwarts life and was there to explain anything I didn't understand. I'm sure I mentioned her in my letters.
To be honest, first year wasn't all that eventful. Mary, Peter, and I became fast friends and stayed that way. Sev and I learned that both of us excelled at potions and most of our first year was spent looking up complicated potions that we had no hope of properly making in our first year. We came up with this game to study for potions class; we named certain potion ingredients and the other person had to name a potion that uses those ingredients. Okay I know it doesn't sound fun, but it was! Charms was the other subject I was decent at. As for our other dorm mate, the most contact I had with Marlene was whenever I had to break up an argument between her and Mary. They weren't bad fights but more like light sparring matches to test each other. Sometimes they got heated but otherwise I would just step in because Mary, despite talking all the time, really isn't one for confrontation and was rather sensitive; Marlene seemed able to push her buttons like no one else. It's actually rather amusing to think about now considering everything.
One thing that sticks out about first year is that Petunia only wrote me once. Considering that I wrote her every week without fail, it was rather hurtful. Looking back I can understand, it must have been annoying to read about all of the friends I was making, the exciting things I was learning, and meanwhile she's just at home with you and mum. Err…no offense.
Sooner than I expected it was time to go for holiday and, well, you know how that summer went.
Disclaimer: Nope do not own anything. Would I be on this site otherwise?
Rated M for language and other such things.
Author's Note: The title of this story and the parts are inspired by Florence + the Machine's song Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up).
Huge thanks to my beta Katie (sunshinedaisieswindmills) for making me write this, holding my hand throughout it all, and for catching my mistakes.
This is a Lily-centric story that's going to focus much more on the war than on Hogwarts (though we are obviously on Hogwarts and will be for the next six chapters). Chapter two is already in the works and should be on the way to my beta sometime soon.
Reviews are like three consecutive days off work.
