Disclaimer: I don't own the Joker or the Skillet song lyrics used in this story!
I never had a chance at sanity.
My parents always knew something was wrong with me. My eyes would twitch and glaze over as an infant. I would grab at things that weren't there. As I grew older and learned to walk and talk, it became painfully obvious that whatever was wrong, it was serious. I would talk to people who weren't there, violently bash my head. I was cruel to my playmates.
My parents took me to every specialist that would see me. At first, I was diagnosed as Autistic, then it was repealed, saying I was bipolar. Finally, I was diagnosed with Child Onset Schizophrenia at the tender age of seven. Even throughout all of it, my intelligence was never doubted. I learned to read and do math at an early age. I had an insatiable appetite for knowledge.
When I started school, I realized was different and just how different I was. I tried to hide it, the secret schizophrenic of me. I tried to keep it caged but I just couldn't control it. The schizophrenia always won. There was this little girl in my second grade class who was scared of me because of my schizophrenic outbursts.
"You're a monster!" She yelled.
After that event, I came to associate my schizophrenia with 'monster'. Quickly, it took on anthropomorphic quality. Sometimes, I would get confused and think I was possessed by a demon and not schizophrenic.
I started to isolate myself, I was possessed by an ugly beast. I felt it's rage and I couldn't hold it. It comes awake and I can't control It. It wanted to scratch the walls, in the closet and the halls. It was the monster hiding under my bed, but no, it was in my body, in my head.
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end? Why was I born this way?I could tell when was about to have a schizophrenic outburst. I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin. I would scratch at my arms and then the hallucinations would start. I hated what I had become. The nightmare had only just begun.
"Are you ok?" Someone would ask.
"I….I feel like a monster."
I would was my secret side that I kept hid under lock and key. I kept it caged but I knew I couldn't control it. Because if I let him out he'll tear me up and break me down. It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp. There was no escape for me, it wanted my soul, it wanted my heart. It was inside of me! Stop this monster!Then I just let go. I was tired of holding back. One day I just…snapped.
I've gotta lose control, he's something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster
