So far just a one chapter intro, sort of just testing the waters - but I'm thinking very seriously about turning it into a full story.
It would be Quinn POV so I wanted to see what people thought of the way I wrote her, and if anyone has any complaints, thinks she's out of character in anyway, where I can improve my writing style etc.
The story starts somewhere between Dream On and Funk - so before Quinn has moved out of Puck's house - but will move on quite quickly from Season 1.
Pairings will be: Finn/Rachel and minor Puck/Quinn to start, but the main focus will be developing Finn/Quinn - also Tina/Artie as a side pairing and possibly Rachel/Jesse if I can find a place for it :).
This intro is meant to delve into Quinn's mind, how I believe she feels and how she is coping with her situation at this time.
So let me know your thoughts :).
Chapter 1: I Go To Sleep
When I look up from my pillow
I dream you are there with me
Though you are far away
I know you'll always be near to me
I go to sleep, sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
For me, cheerleading is like life. Not necessarily your life, or anyone else's life for that matter; I always did hate those 'insightful' quotes that generalise some weird metaphor onto everyone.
"Life is like a seed. It will never grow unless planted and nourished."
Um duh, no shit Sherlock, we need nourishment to live, first prize goes to you. As for planted… what the hell does that even mean? Cos if it's a metaphor for sex, and getting pregnant, let me tell you, the pregnant girl here doesn't think it's very clever. It kind of makes me feel like I should be swallowing fertiliser or something.
I remember that Britt told me she nearly tried that once; not exactly her finest hour. Apparently her mom found her and now the cupboard's double padlocked. You can totally tell; their front garden isn't half as nice as it used to be. Or at least, that's what my mom always said…
Life is like a maze in which you try to avoid the exit.
Then it's not like a maze at all right? Isn't the whole point of a maze to reach the end? Otherwise you're just wondering around in foliage for no reason when you could be getting your hair done, or you know, doing homework or something. Why bother going into a maze if you don't intend to come out again?
I'll bet someone would tell me that's like another ways of saying "What's the meaning of life". Frankly, I just think the whole idea is stupid.
"Life is like a bagel. It's delicious when it's fresh and warm, but often it's just hard. The hole is the middle is its great mystery, and yet it wouldn't be a bagel without it."
Okay, now you're just making me hungry. I mean seriously, people can make a metaphor for life out of just about everything – and I'm sure it makes perfect sense to them – the rest of us just kind of nod along looking thoughtful whilst inside we're wondering what the hell bagels have to do with our lives in any other capacity than being a scrumptious start to the day.
My metaphor is cheerleading; even now that I've been kicked off the team. It's like this. When you're cheerleading it doesn't matter what problems you're having, you put on this massive cheesy grin and just go do your thing. That's what my life is like, one big cheerleading routine. I wake up in the morning, get dressed, do my make up, knock on Puck's door to wake him up and then I paste a smile on my face as I head down to his kitchen and great his mom. Then I get to school and out comes the attitude. It's bad enough that I'm already at the bottom of the social heap; nobody needs to see that it's affecting me.
So head up, shoulders back and walk like you don't care – as best you can with a baby bump that's getting bigger everyday. I'm beginning to wonder if it would be worth asking Mr Schu if he still has any of those wheelchairs we used for 'Proud Mary'. I bet I could make Puck wheel me around.
Anyway, moving on, the smile comes back again during Glee club, some of them are far too observant and it takes a lot of effort to put on a front with a group of people who pride themselves on being able to do the exact same thing; so I sing and dance and join in. I don't look at Finn, unless he's performing in front of the group, otherwise people will realise I'm not looking. Finally when the school day ends it's back to Puck's, homework, dinner, sit watching him play Super Mario Brothers for a while - smile still on - until finally I can disappear back into their spare room and my mask can fall off.
Most nights I simply go straight to bed and sleep, other nights I cry for a while, not over anything in particular, just… well everything really. Other nights I sit with my head back against the wall; listening to Puck snoring away next door.
I always wind up think about how Finn never snored, at least not while I was staying with him. His house is smaller than Puck's, so we shared a room. I guess normally his mom would have had issues with that, but I'm already pregnant, so really, how much more trouble can we get into? He was a really light sleeper too, so at the first hint of my nightmares he was by my side in moments. Some days he'd just sit holding my hand till I went to sleep again, other days – if it was really bad – he'd climb under the covers with me and hold me close, whispering that we'd be okay.
Puck doesn't do that.
It's not that I blame him, after all we are in separate rooms – and I think his mother would hate me even more if she found him in here with me, frankly it's bad enough as it is – and even then, he's a really deep sleeper; which I found out the first time I had to drag him out of bed and onto the floor before he woke up. It's not even that I think he wouldn't care, but I don't think he'd know what to do. Finn's very affectionate, he always has been. The moment we agreed to go out he grabbed my hand and wouldn't be more than an inch from me all day. If we're sat together he always has his arm rested on the back of my chair, or around my waist, or his hand in mine. Even if we weren't physically close, he always had to make eye contact every few minutes. On the other hand, Puck can be really sweet at times, but when it comes to upset he gets very tense, like he's handling a ticking bomb and he wishes he could give it to someone else before it blows. Where Finn would pull me into a tight hug, Puck pats my shoulder like he expects me to break.
The nights when I lie with my head to the wall are the worst. Every time that I think of Finn it's like a knife to my heart, and worst of all, it's always those times when I feel the baby stir – like now – as if she shares my thoughts, as if she knows who he is, and who he could have been.
I'm not sure exactly when I stopped thinking of Finn as the team captain of the football team. I'd like to say I've loved him from the moment we met, but that would be a downright lie, and God knows I'm done with lying when it comes to Finn.
I've cared about him for a long time though, I mean, I wouldn't have continued going out with him when he first joined Glee club if I didn't. When you've been going out with someone that long, you do come to care about them – I think I hid it well, too well – but I think I realised just how much I really did love him the day after I babysat for Terri's sister. I'd been kidding myself, and I was hormonal, we'd had a stupid fight and like the stupid idiot that I am I fell right back on Puck and fell for his charms all over again. Still, even with the sense of triumph at how well Puck and I coped, there was a feeling; like a hole in my stomach. I stubbornly ignored it, but when I found out exactly who he'd really been texting, it reared up as if it were laughing at me. The part of me that was nagging away at the back of my mind, telling me I really would rather be putting the triplets to bed with Finn beside me, that I prefer singing with him because when he sings to me it's like I'm the most beautiful, perfect thing he's ever seen, that Finn wouldn't be texting another girl like that, even with Rachel Berry at his heels like a little puppy dog.
I really did not need to think about Rachel. Damn it, why can't I just go to sleep, why does my mind have to go off on philosophical tangents and still come back to that… well okay, I guess it'd be a bit rich for me to call her a bitch after everything I've done.
Surprisingly enough, actually, I don't hate her anymore. It's more a reflex than anything, like routine, a safety blanket. Yeah, I know, its mean; whatever. I guess I haven't completely left my old self behind huh? To be honest I think she'd be more worried if I was just suddenly nice to her.
I guess I should make more of an effort though. She seems really down about Jesse – I guess I would be too, if I got used like that. It's not like we didn't warn her though. Still, I could see it in her eyes, how much she really loved him and how much she still does… I know, because Finn used to look at me with eyes like that. I think he see's it too, how she's not going to get over him fast; to his credit he's keeping his distance, but I think it's only a matter of time before they get back together.
Well, that thought hurt. Not that I have any right to feel hurt by it. After all, I was the one that hurt Finn first. I should be happy to see him moving on, but somehow I can't be. How selfish am I? I break his heart and I can't even bring myself to be happy for him when he starts to heal.
Okay, that's it; I'm going to sleep now before I work myself into a state again. It's easier said than done, I'm not allowed to take sleeping pills because apparently the baby can get addicted and it can lower IQ (and with Puck as the father I'm not sure that's a good idea). So it's by force of will most nights that I manage to drift off, it's a slow process, but I get there eventually and before I know it the alarm clock beside my bed is ringing loudly in my ear and signalling another day. Signalling that it's time for me to get up and put on my best cheerleaders smile again.
