Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm an idiot. What have I done? I thought I was so smart. I mean, it's not everyone who gets through podiatry school. A lot of people make jokes about it, but they have no idea. The tests are really hard. It's not all foot rubs and playing twinkle toes. Oh my god. Why did I even become a podiatrist? I should have been, like, someone who eats food for living. A food critic! Why didn't I become a food critic? Why didn't I wait for DJ to make her decision before going out and finding her clone to date and become engaged to? Why was so terrified to propose to CJ that DJ ended up having to propose to CJ for me?
Oh my god.
DJ proposed to CJ for me. DJ tried on CJ's dress. DJ in CJ's dress, wow. I've never seen anything so lovely. I know I always say that when I see a fully-loaded pizza with extra mushrooms and pepperoni, but-
Stop it. Stop thinking about food. DJ is in love with you. DJ was going to pick you after that horrible summer.
Horrible? Wait, no, that summer wasn't horrible. It was actually kind of fun. I liked hanging out with Matt.
Stupid Matt. Why did he have to come here and ruin everything? If Matt had just stayed in Miami, I'd be dating DJ right now. Hell, I'd probably be on my way to Japan to marry DJ instead of CJ. I wouldn't even know CJ! And what I am saying? DJ would never go to Japan to get married. She'd never leave San Francisco to get married. We'd probably be getting married in the backyard of the Tanner Fuller house.
So many things would be different if only Matt had never been in the picture. But Matt is in the picture. Matt's the bonehead who had the brilliant idea for us to "move on with our lives" and get girlfriends. Wait a minute.
He tricked me. That son of a ….
That was his plan all along. Well, congratulations, Matt, you got the girl and I got her clone. Half my hair gone, up to my neck in student loans to pay off podriatry school, and no DJ to cuddle with at night.
CJ's a pretty good cuddler too though. And a good kisser. Though not as good as DJ. Or Matt, for that matter.
Oh crap. What am I going to do after we land in Tokyo? DJ is sleeping beside me looking so cute and delicious. I wonder if I should eat her peanuts. Does she even know they're there? Oh hell, I'm eating them. What she doesn't know won't kill her.
OK. Those peanuts were not satisfying because now I just want more peanuts. And DJ is still sleeping, with her noise-cancelling headphones on, and I still don't know what I'm going to say to her when she wakes up and realizes I'm not Kimmy.
Why was she even talking to Kimmy about me? Why would you consult Kimmy Gibbler for love advice? DJ, not smart.
Like I'm in a position to even say that. Right. The guy who had to have his high school sweetheart propose to the girl he "wants" to marry. The girl who is a perfect clone of said high school sweetheart. "Ceej!" Holy rolaids. Mylanta! What have I done?
