Lucius

Lucius. The light. He is everywhere, anywhere, and makes his presence felt wherever he is.

He exists long before any other person or creature, and played an important role in the molding of the world. Thus, through scientific calculations, he is, approximately, 5000 million years old.

With such a heavy burden of age, Lucius devises upon various strategies to combat old age. He converts some of the hydrogen and helium within him into energy, which radiates through his skin, allowing him to attain a luminous effect on his perfect skin, of which the spots and wrinkles have been eradicated by the numerous tiny nuclear reactions taking place under his skin. The heat energy generated also helps to relax the skin and muscles with a little aromatherapy provided by Serra, toning them down from glaring laser beams to soft warm rays. Ladies of all ages are strongly encouraged to follow his example. In fact, Lucius' skin is so perfect that any weapon coming in contact with his skin will bounce off with, as thought it is encountered a trampoline, with a "bong" sound.

Many people claim that Lucius dons a monk robe and nothing else. That has been proven to be very true. After interviewing, bullying, harassing, cajoling, threatening and honeying and other dark and gloomy methods, Lucius has confessed that his only clothing is the monk robes. His given explanation is as follows:

"Due to the enormous amount of nuclear activity and nuclear energy generated within me, atomic particles vibrate with an uneven frequency when they are in contact with the molecules of my skin. Thus, I have to wear as loosely and as little as possible (within offending the number one law of being a monk) so as not to incur a rapid concussion of nuclear explosion on the skin level."

Many questions have also been raised about Lucius' gender, which appears to be indefinite. Our research scientists, Canas, Pent, and Erk, have all taken valuable samples of the Light and done generic testing by using Elfire to penetrate the cells, Gespenst to break open the cells and Canas' trademark monocle to examine the cells. Special thanks go out to Nergal in appreciation of his co-operation to die so as to facilitate the theft of Ereshkigal to soak the dried cells in alcohol. (To compensate, we, the kind-hearted people have laid Limstella and Ephidel dummies on his obscure tome on Valor Island.)

Research has shown that Lucius is male…generally. His cells are 96.545454… male with the traces of female traits. This explains Raven's unusual tender loving care which he showers upon Lucius, having no other female to direct it to besides his fellow sister. The theory our researchers have come up with is that Lucius' parentage is highly unique, since he was merely born from asexual reproduction. Though unconfirmed, it is believed that he was born from binary fission, thus explaining the extremely feminine look on his face.

We have also received many complaints regarding the Light. The Mage General of Etruria is puzzled over his amazingly high magic. The Guy of Kutolah, or the one and not-so-only Guy, has revealed murderous teeth in terms of the Light's high critical rate, which is obviously much higher than guy's meager 99.999…. Matthew, the sarcastic but still occasionally useful lame henchman of Ostia, has started to practice twirling his daggers due to Lucius' high speed.

Our reporter, Legault the Fang, has discovered some interesting snippets of gossip that have been shown assumed to be true about the famous Light. Lucius' inner temperature is approximately 15 million degrees Celcius. We apologise for the estimation, since the sugar thermometer found Lucius to be bitter on the inside and melted in despair. His high temperature is the reason why he has amazingly high magic and why he is sometimes flatteringly hot. His high critical rate has been discovered to be due to the nuclear fissions taking place within him. He has admitted to our reporter that he had cheated and killed Nergal using an Aureola-flavoured atomic bomb, which has caused immense discord and unrest from Nergal's very-much-alive-I-thank-you ghost. The Light's speed, in the meantime, is about 186000 miles per second, while Matthew's record was 186000 nano-miles per second.

Thus, the editor can sum up with just one comment: enjoy the secret and dark assassination of the light, coming up next on the next cartoon show. (Spoiler: the trio won't succeed. Hem, hem.)