Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Note: Okay, I was sure I wasn't going to write anything on "Play with fire". But then a 10 Mile walk and a long conversation about guilt came up, and I had to write this afterwards. To those who made it possible for me to see the episode even though I don't live in the US.
Apologies if someone has written something similar already.
Chapter1:
Before: Catherine's POV
It's only been like 12 , maybe 14 hours since the last time I've been here. But since then, since I've been here this morning with Warrick, so much has changed. It was just another incident to investigate. Maybe a little more personal, a little closer to home, yes, but still like any other investigation. But then, it has become my personal Watergate so to speak. And I didn't see it coming, not once. I was sure that Hodges had been negligent with his developer pan.
Normally, I'm not the regretting type at all. If I were, I'd never gotten to where I am now. And I used to think that this was a good place to be, a job I love. But lately, I haven't been up to it, working all day, trying to sleep and trying to bring up a daughter. Is that just too much, or is it me? I used to be able to, I think. And I used to look forward, always. But now, it's different, or is it? My life is spinning out of control, my daughter gets caught fighting in school and I can't get through to her, my ex-husband's dead and I have no clue what to feel about that.
But now I'm here to do what has to be done. I'm a bit afraid, I must admit to myself, afraid of what's going to happen in the next few minutes. But no, all I have to do is open the door and walk in.
Greg is asleep, hopefully getting much needed rest and not having nightmarish replays of the explosion. I try to make as little noise as possible, in order not to wake him up. I already felt bad enough when I was here with Warrick, bothering him with questions.
Am I just here to ease my mind?
He's lying on the side, because his back's burned. The burns on his neck, they're now covered with bandage. I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that it'll leave a scar. A scar that'll remind me of today. I'm so selfish, thinking about my conscience here. The scar will not only remind me, it'll remind him too. Only difference is that I can look away, he can't. He's the one stuck with this ugly memento. He deserves to hear it from me and not from Grissom or whoever will tell him. I'm not here for me, I am here because it's the right thing to do.
There are thousands of lights out there, making out the city. A city filled with people, individuals, all carrying their own burden, having their own demons to battle. I'm no different. That's a bit of a consolation. But out there are also those we won't catch, because the lab blew and the relative who won't find closure now. It's not right and it's not fair. But what is? Rarely the right people pay, there always innocents paying the price as well. Greg and Sara had paid a price today. Who am I to be feeling sorry for myself and the mess that my life is right now? Here I am starting to sort things out.. Then, I need to go home and talk to Lindsey. Not that I haven't tried before. At least my 5 day suspension means that I have some time to take care for her. Not that five days can make up for never having time for years. Today, I feel like I have failed in every regard. Can't think like that. It's not true. It was a combination of factors. The hot plate, the liquid, the closed evidence room. It's the butterfly and the tornado.
I can still walk out, and he'll never know I was even here. But then someone at the lab is going to tell him, and that's a lot worse. The longer I'm standing here, the less sure I feel. I felt sure today when I was in the office with Grissom and Dr. Cavallo. But here it's different, here are more emotions in it. What if Greg doesn't take it well at all? What if he throws me out?
Well then I'll go, I guess. Not that that'll happen, I think. It doesn't matter what I think, I'm here now and that's what counts.
I hear him stir, that's it. Here goes nothing.
