*Terra, Tifa, Yuna, and Lightning are in Tifa's bar, Seventh Heaven*
Tifa: So I got a contract with Hooters. They're going to merge with Seventh Heaven if I become their poster girl. It should really increase our profit, which is important for me now that Cloud and I have kids!
Terra: Wow, Tifa! That's great! How come you never gained weight, though?
Yuna: Yeah, I could hardly tell you were ever pregnant!
Tifa: It's my Weight Loss Materia! I bought it off the Shinra Show. They sell lots of great materia. Cloud even bought a Male Enhancement Materia from them, and guess what? It worked!
*awkward silence*
Tifa: Err... Well, my pay raise means I can probably buy lots of flowers for our son!
Light: You know guys don't like flowers, right?
Terra: That's not true! There's that cute boy, Firion! He loves them. I haven't seen him lately, though. I wonder what happened.
Light: Oh, that's my fault. He kept flirting with me after seeing me perform Zanteksun on Hope's corpse. He wanted me to do the same thing to him. One Gestalt later, he was nothing more than a pile of roses.
Yuna: 0_0 That's so... so...
Tifa: That's adorable! I can't believe you made him some roses! You're such a nice person, Light.
Terra: Tifa, she said turn Firion INTO pile of roses, not give him a pile of roses...
Tifa: What's the difference?
*Terra and Yuna open their mouth, but shake their head and look away*
Yuna: Well, anyways, my boyfriend Tidus finally starting hitting the gym with his father after I pushed him too. His body has really improved.
Terra: Is that Tidus over there?
Yuna: Yep, that's him. Way bigger than the last time you saw him, huh?
Tifa: Damn! He's one sexy bad boy! Cloud doesn't even look half as muscular as your boyfriend!
Terra: I want to just run my hands over his torso. Those abs are totally ripped!
Yuna: *nods* Spending time with Jecht has really made him into a stud. He's not the little dweeb of the Blitzball team anymore!
Tifa: Something's wrong with his shoulder, though. Did he injure himself lifting weights?
*Light chuckles evilly*
Light: No, he ran into someone... stronger than he is.
Terra: What did you do this time...
Light: Well, it's not my fault really. I was walking through the Archylte Steep...
Yuna: You mean the Calm Lands.
Light: Yeah, same thing. Anyways, Tidus was getting beat up into a bloody pulp by a Behemoth. It was rather amusing so I watched for a few minutes. Neither side was really winning, so I walked up to the Behemoth and b****slapped it. It cried out in pain and died instantly. Then I laughed at Tidus and casually punched him on the side. I didn't know your little boytoy was so delicate that my punch would totally shatter every bone in his shoulder
Yuna: But wait, all of Tidus's other injuries have healed already! The only one that's lasted was your punch…. how did your punch last longer than the Behemoths's attacks?
Light: Do you really think a Behemoth has a fraction of the power of a L'cie?
*Light faintly taps an NPC, causing him to instantly shriek and explode in gore*
Light: There's a reason FF13 doesn't have any towns.
Terra: 0_0
Tifa: Wow, that was violent! It reminds me of the time when Sephiroth killed...
Yuna: No spoilers please.
Tifa: ...my rival. Best day of me life.
Light: Nobody can stand up to me. I doubt I'd ever find a guy that could control himself in my presence. Snow's reduced to a babbling fool whenever he even looks at my body. Hell, I think even Serah gets jealous of sexy body.
Tifa: Wow, you're a total god among us!
Light: No, I'm a Fal'cie among you.
Terra: Still, it's sad that you'll never find a man who you can love...
*The door to the bar opens dramatically. A massive hunk of muscle walks in as the entire room starts to reek of male testosterone. Dozens of people moan and wimper as a powerfully built man walks through them*
Jecht: Yo, get me a ****ing x-potion, mutha****er.
Bartender: *pees his pants* Yes, sir! *gets a drink*
Jecht: *drinks x-potion in one gulp* Yeah, nothing like a x-potion to relax my muscles after an intense work-out!
*The 4 girls are looking at Jecht in awe*
Yuna: I can never get over how sexy Tidus's dad is *sigh*
Tifa: Damn, his smell is so manly that it's overpowering my brain from all the way from over here! I don't know how I'd react if I was standing right next to him...
Terra: Did you see that bartender? He freakin exploded in his pants on looking at Jecht! Tidus's dad is a total BEAST!
Tifa: He even makes Tidus look like a dweeb! He's got, five times the muscle that Tidus does! How can any man be that huge?
Light: I... I can't believe it.
Yuna: Huh?
Light: I finally know what it's like to feel like a woman... to know what it's like to be attracted to a man... This may be the first time I've met a mortal whose power rivals even mine...
*The 3 other girls look at Lightning, who is breathing heavily and staring intently at the irresistibly sexy god named Jecht*
Terra: Light... you may have a chance.
Tifa: Go get that hunk, Light!
Light: Right.
*Light charges towards Jecht as she runs across the bar*
Yuna: I can't believe you guys encouraged Light to go after MY BOYFRIEND'S DAD!
Terra: It sounds way dirtier when you say it like that...
*Light walks up to Jecht. Tidus sees her and creams himself*
Tidus: Hey dad, I have to, uh, use the toilet.
Jecht: Go. And don't come back.
*Tidus cries and runs off*
Light: Your son is pretty pathetic.
Jecht: Damn, you could tell by just looking at him? He needs a spanking again...
Light: *laughs* No, I know him better than that. Remember that Behemoth that broke his shoulder?
Jecht: What about it?
Light: It wasn't a Behemoth. It was me.
Jecht: You looking for a fight, woman?
Light: No, I'm looking for a man. Someone like you.
Jecht: I'm not into people who beg to get down with me.
Light: You don't like beggars, huh?
*Light punches Jecht's abs. A sound like a massive explosion echoes through the bar*
*Jecht Is standing upright, while Light is kneeling down in pain*
Light: No... Your power... It's impossible. Not even Absolute Virtue could survive my punch...
Jecht: I'm quite shocked at your strength...
Light: What?
Jecht: You're the first woman who has ever stood next to me for a over a minute without turning into a babbling fool, begging to be my bedslave. Not only that, but you managed to make me lose a single point of HP. That kind of power, the strength to even inflict a small amount of pain on my superhuman, indestructible body, toned from spending years in the gym... You turn me on.
Light: You mean... You'll go on a date with me?
Jecht: I'll do more than that, girl...
*Jecht growls, manliness pouring out of him as Lightning is shaking at the knees*
Jecht: I'll give you a night you'll never forget.
*Later, at Lightning's house*
Light: What should I wear, what should I wear, what should I wear...
WoL: I keep telling you, this man likes your appearance just the way you are. I mean, he said himself that you are one of the rare women who turned him on.
Light: I appreciate your concern, Fighter, but you're a meatshield, not a love guru.
WoL: Don't tell me that Black Mage has been telling you stories again...
Light: Whatever. It's obvious that Cosmos and you are too nervous to get in bed with eachother.
WoL: How dare you!...
Light: Black Mage even told me about the time you were so nervous to buy a pack of rubber, he had to Fighterdoken you into Condom Sense! And then you left without even buying any!
WoL: That little mutherfu...
Random Music: The Pilgrims are gathering and the marching band, the marching band's howling...
Light: Oops, there's my cell phone! *flips open cell* Yeah?
Jecht: Just wanted to make sure you're ready. I've got something ready for you at my place in thirty minutes. Don't forget, b****. *hangs up*
Light: Oh my gosh, his voice is so deep and manly. I can't even believe I'm obsessing over a man so much.
WoL: You still have to decide upon your costume.
Light: Hmm... *looks at clothes* I've been thinking... perhaps my Aya Brea costume?
WoL: WHAT? Heavens no, that thing tears itself apart after just a few scratches! It doesn't even have good defense! If you and Jecht get at it...
*Light winks at WoL*
WoL: Ah... I see what you want. I'm sure he'll think it's kinky.
Light: Don't worry, Fighter, I'll have my Protect spell ready just in case...
*Light takes out her crystal and shatter it*
Light: ODIN! LET'S RIDE!
*Lightning jumps on Odin's back and gallops to Jecht's house*
*Light jumps off Odin as she arrives at Jecht's house, only to see Tidus crying in the front yard*
Light: Hey, it's you again.
Tidus: Huh? Oh, Light. Why are you wearing a black shirt and blue jeans?
Light: Err... It's because... uh...
Tidus: Did dad tell you to wear it? He's such a mean, bossy d****. He kicked me out of the house just because you're coming over. Probably wants to do something kinky with you.
Light: Kid, if I wanted to do something kinky I would have worn my FFXIII-2 armor with feathers covering my ass. Not to mention I haven't switched my paradigm to Commando... yet.
Tidus: Paradigm? Commando? What does that even mean?
Light: It doesn't mean anything now get out of my way.
*Lightning grabs Tidus by the shoulder and tosses him out of the way before heading into the house*
Tidus: SHIT! That's the same shoulder you broke in the Calm Lands!
*Lightning enters a dark, candle-lit room, with a shirtless Jecht sitting at a small table in the center*
Jecht: About time you came. Don't tell me that stupid kid was bothering you again. I spanked him hard as soon as we got home.
Light: No, that's not it. I was just trying to choose something sexy to wear.
Jecht: The only thing I think is sexy is raw, pure power. Strength like a Highwind with a Genji Glove.
Light: A Highwind? I'm way stronger than any Dragoon. Let's have a wrestling match, stud.
Jecht: I'd love to, she-dog, but first we gotta eat. I've got some of the finest Turtle Meat in the entire Archylte Steep. Even Exdeath doesn't find such tasty diversions in the afterlife. Bring in the food, slave!
*CoD enters the room holding a plate in each hand, as well as one with each tentacle*
CoD: Here is your Turtle Meat... master.
Jecht: Thanks, slave. Now go back to the darkness where you belong.
*CoD glares at Light and hisses before retreating*
Light: Wait, you have a naked woman for a servant? 0_o
Jecht: First of all, she's a slave, not a servant. I don't pay her, she does anything I ask of her willingly, just like all women do. Second, she's more of a status symbol than anything else. I don't even find her that attractive, honestly. I ordered her to shoot a thousand particle beams at my abs, but they all deflected off of me. They didn't even leave a scratch on my superior body.
Light: Wow... Your power is amazing. I bet that b**** is jealous of me, since I'm the one dating you. That girl was practically drooling over your huge muscles.
Jecht: Yeah, I don't think I've met a woman who didn't want me. You're the first one I've ever wanted, though. Here, feel my biceps.
*Jecht flexes his arm and offers it forward. Light stares at the huge ball of power rippling off Jecht's arm, then touches it*
Light: Oh my gosh... so much power. I can't believe a man so powerful exists... I can't believe you could even stand my touch. Every other man on the planet would have pissed himself just being this close to an alpha b**** like me. But not a sexy hunk like you, not a bronzed god…. This is so overwhelming for me….
Jecht: Heh, even a superhuman L'cie can't resist my godlike perfection. But let's eat before we go any further, though.
*Jecht and Light start politely eating plates of meat. Light glances up at Jecht every few bites to see his powerful, sexy neck muscles rippling as they devour massive quantities of protein. She feels her jeans begin to moisten. Meanwhile, Jecht is surprised at how attractive Light looks in a black tee-shirt. He feels his shorts begin to tighten. Both are nervous and want to impress their date.*
Light: You know, believe it or not, I'm not used to eating food so slowly. I've spent years out in the wild, so forgive me if I forget some common manners.
Jecht: Woah, you mean you eat with your elbows on the table?
Light: Yeah...
Jecht: And you wipe your mouth with your arms?
Light: Well, kinda...
Jecht: And eat with your bare hands?
Light: My hands are stronger than a knife or fork could ever be...
Jecht: SINDAMNIT why didn't you tell me before? Screw mannerisms, let's go all out!
*Light switches to the Ravager paradigm as she and Jecht screw the rules and ravenously eat TURTLE MEAT*
*After Light and Jecht finish eating a massive pile of Turtle Meat*
Light: Damn, I'm stuffed. I can't believe you ate as much as I did. It takes a lot of Turtle to fuel my L'cie powers. After all, that's my secret to having infinite Cure spells.
Jecht: Wait, you're done eating already?
Light: Huh? What do you mean, "already"?
Jecht: I was just about to get my ninety-third plate of Turtle Meat. COME HERE, SLAVE!
*CoD comes back holding several plates of Turtle Meat and places it on the table.*
Light: H-h-h-how do you even get this much meat? I mean, I can usually make enough Turtle Meat for a snack by taking a jog through the Archtyle Steep and b****slapping the occasional Turtle, but this is ridiculous!
Jecht: Well, when I was a wee lad I played in the Peninsula of Power and killed Warmechs for fun. I brought a few of my friends with me and tried to show them how to kill Warmechs with me, but they always got killed on the first round of combat. It wasn't until several years until later when I learned that most humans actually have less than 258 Defense unless they wear armor. Pathetic, right? What kind of weak ****er needs armor to prevent getting killed by the lasers of a dozen Warmechs?
Light: Warmechs? That's sad. I could kill an army of those with nothing more than my left elbow… when I was in elementary school.
Jecht: You know what I'm talking about, girl! Anyways, eventually I got bored of killing the local Warmech population. Some guy named Gilgamesh happened to raid my village one day and stole everything from the weapon shop. King Steve was freaking out because all the pathetic "warriors" that protected the kingdom were too weak to fight without weapons, so he built a bridge for me so I could chase after the mutha****er.
Light: I bet it was one kickass bridge, huh?
Jecht: Yeah. I call it SexGod Jecht's Kickass Bridge.
Light: Hmm…. Black Mage told me about something like that… There was a different name for it, though…
Jecht: *coughs* What's that?
Light: Nothing. Please continue.
*Jecht winks at Light, her heart beating at the perfection of his masculine features and powerful neck*
Jecht: Anyways, I followed this guy, Gilgamesh, into this big hole that he called, "The Void". The fool almost spotted me, but I grabbed a nearby cardboard box and hid under it.
Lightning: That's a smart move. You would make an amazing warrior in the battlefield.
Jecht: Yeah, guy never saw it coming. I pounced on him when he was unaware and broke his neck with one swift snapping motion. It was only then that I noticed a small human in the corner. He was reading some sissy manga before I jumped out of the box, but as soon as he saw me he got a huge stain on his pants. Guy ****ing unloaded all over himself as soon as he got a glimpse of my huge, manly muscles. I asked him if he knew anything about the weapons, but he claimed that some sniper chick that was keeping him hostage had bought all those weapons from Gilgamesh. Wolf? Fox? Hound? I don't remember her name. Anyways, I went to assassinate her…
*Light casts Stop on Jecht, who is talking way too much and starting to sound more like an old man than a sexy musclegod*
Light: Wow, this story is really interesting, but when do you get to the part where you tell me about the Turtles?
Jecht: Hmm? Oh yeah, that. So after journeying on my really long quest through several universes in the Void, I met Titan, the Fal'cie.
Light: Oh gosh, Titan. The only creature I have never been able to defeat… besides you, of course, Jecht.
Jecht: I took him on in an arm-wrestling match. Our terms? He could use both his arms and the help of a dozen other Fal'cies of his choice. I would use my pinkie. If I won, he would have to give me an infinite supply of TURTLE MEAT as long as I live and if he won, I would be his b**** for eternity. I guess Fal'cie's don't get much bed action on Pulse.
Light: Well, it's quite clear who won.
*Jecht smirks and shoots a sexy double bicep pose. Power reeks off of his massive, shirtless torso, causing Lightning to moan in lust.*
Jecht: Damn right it is! Now Titan has to send me tons of Long Gui meat every week. If that stupid wannabe God forgets, I'll make him my L'cie… forever!
Light: Wait, I thought only Fal'cie could turn humans into L'cies…. Oh, wait…..
Jecht: I'm no human. It's not me that has to be scared of the Gods, girl. It's them that got to be scared of me. Isn't that right, she-dog?
Light: *blushes as she realizes how horny she is* It most certainly is, handsome…
Jecht: That's right, girl… I think I wouldn't mind a bit of bedtime now. It's starting to get late.
Light: Solo, or multiplayer?
Jecht: It's always better with friends. *winks* You'll love what I've got prepared for you now.
Light: I think you'll be surprised as well.
*The two smile, then head to the Jecht's "special room". They have a very enjoyable night. Meanwhile, Tidus is watching enviously from a window, wishing that he was half as sexy as his superhuman muscledaddy…*
