Forever is a Long Time

When Alec was younger, he often found himself sneaking into the library far past bedtime. At first, it was to read the books his parents had marked off limits, but he found those books hard to understand and boring. In his quest to gain knowledge though, he discovered poetry. For hours, he would sit with his witchlight, staring at the pages of famous poets explaining life and death. And love, especially love. The way the poets explained the idea of love made Alec crave it, for love is life and if you miss love, you miss life. After his eyes would become heavy and the words began to blur, he would close the books and sneak back to his room. In the morning, the quotes floated around his head like stars and the colors always seemed brighter, the world less frightening. As Alec grew older, he no longer had to sneak in to read the poems but would often take them back to his room, highlighting the lines that spoke to a part of his soul.

When reading these poems of love, Alec thought of himself with a man, one who was tall and strong, who always had a smile or a joke, who could understand Alec with a look, and one who would let Alec be himself. At the time, Alec was too young to understand the implications of his dreams, not realizing that most men thought of women rather than other men. Once when a young Shadowhunter came to visit the Institute, Alec quickly realized not only were his dreams unusual but also wrong. Only seven at the time, Alec had quickly become enamored with the man. He had nice laugh and listened to what Alec had to say. When the Shadowhunter had to leave, Alec mentioned casually to the Shadowhunter how handsome he thought the man was and that he was the type of man Alec would want to marry. The Shadowhunter's face said it all: total disgust. He couldn't leave fast enough, not even saying goodbye to Alec.

After that, he'd kept his feelings to himself, not wanting to upset his family's position with the Clave. For years, he'd hidden his emotions, eventually having to stop reading the poetry which had consumed his nights because the dreams were becoming more vivid and startling. It seemed the deeper he tried to bury his feelings, the more they demanded to be noticed. He was able to get away with it for a while.

Then he met the High Warlock of Brooklyn.

Alec sat in his room surrounded by the books of poetry that caused his heartbreak in the first place. This was his tenth day he spent locked in his room after Magnus had broken up with him. Over and over, he kept replaying the moment, looking at lines of poetry trying to figure out how to solve his problem. He doubted he'd find any as every metaphor made him feel worse and worse about himself. Angrily, he slammed a book of Shakespeare's sonnets closed and threw it across the room where it hit the wall with a resounding thud and dropped to the floor as if embarrassed it didn't contain the answers. Alec pushed his hands through his hair, pulling slightly as if actually dragging himself out of his internal arguments. With a sigh, Alec fell back on the bed, eyes narrowed at the ceiling. In less than a minute, he heard a knock on his door, a warning more than asking permission, and his sister entered.

"Is everything okay in here?" Izzy asked, looking at the stacks of books around the room. "You know, we have a library so your room doesn't have to look like this."

Alec rolled his eyes. Ever since he had come home in tears after the breakup, his family has been walking on eggshells as if the slightest comment could send Alec spiraling into depression. "What do you care Izzy? Don't you have more important things to do?"

With a huff, Isabelle glared at him before catching herself. With a deep breath, she reverted back to kind and worried Izzy. "Right now, you are what is important. Do you want to talk to me?"

"You know, I really don't. I really don't feel like talking at all."

Alec could almost hear Isabelle hoping that he'd change his mind. After a few seconds, she started to move, grabbing the door, but before she could close it, Alec decided to let her have a little insight into how he felt. "Everybody seems to think that true love should be endless. How can it be endless if only one person in the relationship can live that long?"

Alec, embarrassed at his sudden display of emotions, turned away from Izzy, not really wanting to hear her answer. Knowing his sister though, he doubted that would stop her. "Sometimes, you have to dive headfirst into the unknown as opposed to sticking your toes in. If love was easy to understand, then people would have stopped writing about it a long time ago." Alec made no attempt move let alone respond, already receding back into his head. Sensing the conversation really was over now, Isabelle finished closing the door.

Hours passed before he heard the telltale shuffling and clinking of weapons that meant his family was about to go hunting. If Alec had felt better, he probably would have suited up and joined his siblings on whatever half-baked plan they'd come up with. As it was, he really wanted the alone time. Once he was sure everyone was gone, Alec stood from his spot and stepped out of his room, shuffling towards the training room. All the sadness he had felt after the breakup had hardened into anger– at himself, at Magnus, and especially at Camille. He used those thoughts to fuel his kicks and his jabs as he sparred with the punching bag. After a poorly placed kick that hurt him more than anything else, Alec decided to take a break, shuffling to the kitchen to drink some water. Standing over the sink, Alec let his thoughts wander and for the first time in a while, they didn't immediately go to Magnus. Sort of. Okay, his thoughts totally did, but he choose to think of them as thoughts about parties rather than thoughts about Magnus.

Alec never liked parties the way that Magnus did, or even his siblings. He never really had a reason to go before. The only things to do there were to drink or pick someone up, things he never really wanted to do. However, feeling slightly angry, sad, and overwhelmed, Alec decided that drinking sounded pretty good at the moment. Most mundanes drank to get over breakups, so maybe there was something to that. With the idea in mind, Alec rushed to take a shower and dress in clothing he hadn't slept in. As Alec looked in the mirror before he left, he couldn't help but think Magnus would be proud of his fashion; Magnus did always love it when Alec wore this blue shirt– but with that thought, a scowl marred Alec's face. I mean, how pathetic could I be, Alec thought, yanking off the shirt to replace it with a dull grey one Magnus always hated. Take that. This time, Alec refused to look in the mirror as he exited the Institute.

As soon as he stepped outside, he was surprised by how nothing had changed. For some reason, as illogical as it may seem, Alec had expected the world to become as dark as he was. Yet, he heard birds chirping and people laughing which only worsened his mood. Taking off in no particular direction, Alec started looking for any kind of bar.

The first two Alec stopped at asked for ID, which Alec couldn't provide. So he kept walking, realizing his legs had unconsciously taken him to Magnus's neighborhood. Angry at himself, he turned around and walked away. It was only a few minutes before he heard the giggles, bass music, and yelling that always accompanied a nightclub. Deciding they probably wouldn't ask for an ID, Alec walked up to the club. He knew there was no way he would get passed the bouncer alone, it seemed only pretty girls knew how to do that, and the line was so long he knew he would loose all nerve before he ever got inside. Before he could call it quits and go to another spot, he saw two girls walking toward the bouncer. Quickly, he walked up to them, flashing his most flirtatious smile, and talked causally with them as they approached the bouncer. He figured his façade was working as the girls giggled and dragged him past the rope into the club. Once he was in, he immediately wanted to leave. It was worse than he remembered. It was loud and sweaty, like he thought it would be, only now he didn't have Isabelle or Jace with him to talk to. Suck it up, he thought to himself. He wasn't going to chicken out on this like he did with everything else in his life.

Although he knew it was rude, especially since the girls were the ones who even got him into the club, Alec dropped their hands and quickly got lost in the crowd. More forceful than he would have liked to be, he shoved his way to the bar.

"Shot of whiskey, please," Alec asked the bartender. Within no time, he had already pounded four shots, and enjoyed the numbing sensation that followed. As he stood there at the bar and looked around, he finally understood why Izzy and Jace didn't mind coming to places like this. When you drank, the colors blended, the music became exciting, and the dancing looked invigorating. He looked to the bartender, took another shot, and decided to let loose. Soon he was in the middle of the crowd, surrounded by people, and he didn't mind. It was surprisingly comforting as he hadn't felt this physically close to another person for weeks. Knowing the alcohol was affecting him, Alec closed his eyes and let himself get caught in the moment.

When he opened his eyes, there was a man looking at Alec a little closer than Alec was used to. Usually, Alec would blush and stumble away from this inquiring gaze, but for some reason (alcohol?) he felt none of the normal reactions. Instead, being bolder than he usually was, he approached the man. The stranger was good-looking, with brown hair cut short and green eyes (not Magnus green, but a duller, more blue green). As Alec approached he realized he was taller than the stranger and even the alcohol couldn't stop a small disappointed frown from Alec's face. However, Alec dismissed the negativity knowing not everyone was perfect and that the stranger was good enough. Sensing Alec's willingness, the stranger danced closer. Again, Alec closed his eyes, allowing himself to stop thinking for once and just go with the flow.

Which is how he ended up in an alley, making out with a man he didn't even know the name of. With Magnus, Alec was always the submissive one. Magnus knew what he was doing and Alec didn't mind giving up control. With this green eyed (not Magnus green, but a duller, more blue green) man, Alec took control, taking from the man everything he had been missing and needing.

"Oh fuck," the man whispered as Alec kissed down his neck, "I did not expect this when I left the house."

"Stop talking," Alec commanded, not really in the mood to talk as much as do.

"But I don't even know your name," the man said breathlessly.

Alec sighed and responded, "It's not important," before covering the man's mouth with his own, effectively silencing any future conversations. Alec had no idea how long this went on, feeling slightly impatient as he tugged on the man's shirt.

Suddenly, Alec felt the man slip away. Believing it was because of the no-talking policy, Alec decided to apologize, anything to ignore the emptiness that came when he stopped kissing, when he heard what sounded distinctly like fist on flesh contact.

Opening his eyes wide, he saw a pair of green eyes (not Magnus green, but a duller more blue green), and a pair of narrowed cat eyes that Alec had been dreaming of for the past few nights. The stranger was on the ground, clutching his jaw and moaning, while Magnus stood above him, blue sparks coming from his clenched fist. Even though Alec was still very drunk, he felt pity for mundane on the ground, knowing a punch strengthened by magic hurt more than anything he could have felt before.

"Get out of here," Magnus hissed from clenched teeth to the stranger.

"You're crazy, man," he said, still clutching his jaw, as he quickly scrabbled out of the alley.

Alec leaned against the wall, his eyes closed as he tried desperately to feel the numbing effects of the alcohol but only feeling the heartache grow stronger and stronger with each second he spent next to Magnus. He breathed in deep, trying to steady himself, realizing his mistake as the air smelled like sandalwood and magic.

He could hear Magnus breathing, a slow, steady pulse that coincided with Alec's heartbeat.

"Get away from me," Alec whispered barely holding on to his sanity.

"Alec-"

"No," Alec said, shaking his head, "you don't get to talk. You broke up with me. Please, just…" and with that, Alec lost it. Tears rushed down his face as Alec sunk to the ground, burying his face in his arms, as if physically shielding himself from any emotional pain. All those quotes about love come back to him like punches to the gut. Alec could feel himself hyperventilating but had no idea how to stop it, not even sure he wanted to. He hadn't cried like this in a long time and it felt good, like every emotion he had repressed was finally coming out in one big fit.

Part of Alec expected Magnus to leave. That part was the pessimistic side of Alec, the one who whispered doubt in his ear throughout their entire relationship. How many people has he slept with? Will he love you when you're old? Does he even love you or are you just another fling? What is he hiding? That was the part that pushed Magnus away whenever Alec felt jealous, the part which persuaded Alec to go see Camille even though he knew it was wrong, and the part that would consider ending Magnus's life early. Another part of Alec, the optimistic part, knew that Magnus would stay. That part knew that Magnus would take care of Alec, even though the relationship was "technically" over, because true love lasts an eternity and what was their love if not true?

Gently, a hand was placed on Alec's back.