This is my season five version of what I did in 'Lies'. It will be a post-ep story. I was waiting for June.. but I can't wait any longer. So this will sit waiting for a second chapter until the premier.. But it wrote itself last week and I'm in need of a little BN. :0)
…...
I'm loosing her.
There have been so many times I've thought that. So many times I've seen a look on her face, or heard a tone in her voice and realized; I was loosing her.
I think a part of me does it on purpose. It's like I'm looking for the boundaries of our relationship, trying to see how far I can push her away before she just doesn't come back when I call.
Except she always does. Always.
Fiona's commitment to me is apparently boundless. I think she proved that to me last week. I think she proved that to me when she decided to come after me four years ago. The reasons I give her to stay don't add up to the reasons I give her not to. The moments I let her in can't possibly make up for the moments I keep her out.
I wonder if she knows about the running dialogue in my head that says the things she needs to hear. That's the most disgusting part of the whole damn thing. I feel the things she needs to hear. I hear myself saying them on a continuous loop inside my head.
I love you I'm sorry I need you Don't leave me I'd be lost Nothing matters more than you Nothing
But I can't say it. I won't ever be able to say it. I'm almost positive she doesn't know it, and never will. It's not fair and that's why sometimes I wish, for her sake, she'd leave. Or that I would.
I have before. I might again. I realize years ago I would have said 'I will again' but now.. after everything.. Can I really be that person?
I'm loosing her.
I look at the hand still extended in front of me. He's welcoming me. Literally offering me in from the cold. I'm back. All the work all the time and all the dead ends I've run head first into. I'm back.
I'm loosing her.
I shake his hand and a little piece of me looses her.
I let him usher me into the building and another pieces looses.
Something in me, the parts that are undoubtedly hers, start to grasp at things.
Fiona grinning, the wind blowing in her hair. Fiona's eyes glazed over with tears as I whisper into the phone, my cover saying the things I wish I could say to her. Fiona's fingers tracing over my injuries. Fiona's lips molding over mine. Fiona's hands. Fiona's voice. Fiona's eyes. Fiona. Fiona Fiona.
This is what I've waited for. This is what I've..
Fiona's tiny body hurling through the open window.
Four long years. So many close calls. So many disappointments..
'You can't have the job and girl.'
This is the moment I've been waiting for. This moment. Opened door. Offered hand. In from the cold.
Fiona's solid resolve breaks,, tears catch her words. "This is the moment I've been waiting for."
For once, the always prepared Michael Westen has no plan.
