Lesbian Epidemic: A new epidemic has swept through South Park. Suddenly all the SP girls have turned gay. The boys think this is cool at first but then they realize that no one's getting any action anymore. Is this just a new fad or something more sinister at play?
Chapter One
Kyle groaned in frustration. No matter what he did his stupid hair just wouldn't lie flat. Looks like it was time to bring out the hat again. Reaching for his green ushanka he looked at himself in the mirror.
"Who am I kidding?" He said out loud. "I don't have a chance in hell".
"Dude hurry up! We're going to be late again!" Stan's reflection appeared in the mirror beside his best friend's.
"Just a sec" Kyle said turning back to the mirror.
"Dude you spend more time in front of a mirror than a girl" Stan teased. Kyle snorted. They both knew that wasn't true. Kyle usually couldn't give a damn about what people said about his appearance but today was different. Today he had finally gathered up the courage to ask out his long term crush Bebe Stevens.
He knew that he had to make a move soon. Especially when Cartman started dropping numerous hints that he was about to the same. Although Kyle wasn't sure whether Cartman was sincere about it or whether he just wanted to piss the redhead off. You could never tell with fatass.
"Yeah do we have to stop at the supermarket again so can you get some more gell?" Kyle smirked. Stan had always taken more care of his appearance than Kyle did and had recently taken to styling his hair in the morning. Kyle had told him he was an idiot but so far the faze hadn't ended.
"Whatever dude" Stan said before noticing his best friend's downcast expression. "Hey what's up, you're not nervous or anything are you?"
"Well um a little" Kyle said looking down. He hated looking like a pussy in front of Stan but at least he could be completely honest with him unlike Cartman who would tear him to shreds or Kenny who would make some perverted joke at his expense.
"Don't worry man, you're a great catch" Stan grinned. "Your pale complexion, your nerdy habits, your fine ginger hair-"
Stan was interrupted as Kyle punched him on the shoulder. "Okay Stan I get it, come on let's go".
The redhead pulled on his hat and the two of them set out for school.
Kyle's eyes found Bebe almost as soon as he stepped inside the locker corridor. The blonde was as usual surrounded by a bunch of giggling and gossiping girls. Kyle sighed it was almost impossible to get her all alone. Girls at South Park High almost worshipped Bebe Stevens as much as the boys did but in a completely different way. They gathered around her for love advice and styling tips her word was gospel. They fought over who could do her hair and who could lend her clothes. She was a queen.
Kyle dreamily watched her and she joined in the giggling her beautiful blonde hair bouncing around her shoulders. She was like an angel in thigh high boots.
"Dude give it up seriously, you know all the Aryans have to breed with other Aryans to keep the race pure" snickered a voice at his shoulder.
"Would you shut up fatass! There's no such thing as an Aryan race! That's fucked up Nazi propaganda!"
"Whatever you say Jewboy" Cartman snickered. "Besides we'd look good together, we'd do our Country proud".
"No girl is ever going to want to touch you asshole! Let alone marry you".
"Hmmm well we'll put that to the test won't we Kahl" Cartman said smugly patting his friend on the shoulder. Kyle resisted the urge to punch him.
"Who's going to marry who?" Kenny had popped up all of a sudden. "Stan, I know you and Wendy have been going out since the dawn of time but goddamn it! You're life isn't over yet!"
The blond grabbed Stan's shoulders and shook him. "You're a fucking jock! There's plenty of women who want to fuck you. Goddamn it! Why can't I have a few?"
"Relax Kenny, Stan and Wendy aren't getting married" Kyle sighed. Turning his attention away from Bebe and back to his locker to get his books. His friends continued talking around him for a moment.
"Whoa woohoo!" Kenny cried excitedly and all three boys looked up.
"Whoa check that out dude" the boys turned around and saw what Kenny was on about. One of Bebe's close friends and an older girl they knew by sight but not by name were kissing up against the lockers oblivious to the world.
"Huh I didn't know Red liked girls" Kyle said confused.
"Dude do you have to analyze this now?" Kenny sighed. "We have girls making out for free right in front of us cut the social commentary".
"And you know Kahl gayness is something you just can't hide or else it explodes and you end up getting molested by the closest Mexican hobo in the street. So best come out now" Cartman added.
"God you're so full of bullshit asswipe" Kyle said turning away from the ongoing lesbian action whilst his three friends continued to stare slack jawed. Red and the other girl showed no sign of stopping.
"Damn I am so glad I came to school today" Kenny cried triumphantly. Kyle rolled his eyes. He shoved his books under his arm and started off towards his first class. Knowing that it would probably take his friends a couple of days to start discussing something other than Red and her new girlfriend. He wasn't interested. Red somehow just reminded him too much of his mother.
Kyle was in the advanced lit group without his three friends so he was able to watch Bebe without them being dicks to him. There were less of her giggly girlfriends in that class too so he'd have a better chance to talk to her without being so intimidated.
As he walked into the room he realized that he was in luck. Bebe was completely on her own sitting in the same seat in the second last row one seat from the left that was typically reserved for Wendy. It was such a rare moment. Bebe and her best friend were usually inseparable unless they were having a fight or something in which is was best to stay away from school for a few days. There were only a few of the nerdy nine graders who had been accelerated up sitting around the front of the class. This was a good chance as he'd ever get.
Trying to look confident Kyle strode into the room and straight towards Bebe. It took her a few moments to look up and realize he was there.
She smiled. Kyle felt a little weak it was such a beautiful smile.
"Hey Kyle" She said. "How was your weekend?"
"Not too bad" Kyle replied wishing that he was cool enough to have some interesting story to tell her. "How was yours?"
"Yeah pretty good". It looked like it. Kyle had never seen her smile so brightly. He took this as a good sign.
"Um so any plans for this weekend?" he asked slyly hoping to get the answer he was looking for.
"No not yet I might be going to party on Friday but I'm not sure yet, don't really know the guy well" Bebe looked down at her phone her gaze suddenly impatient.
"Cool" Kyle said. "So how about Saturday night are you free then?"
Bebe looked back up at Kyle confusion on her face as if she didn't understand what he had said.
"I guess so".
Kyle tried not to panic. Here came the hard part. "Well cool coz I was wondering if you'd like to go to the movies with me then there's the new movie-"
Bebe's face fell and Kyle stopped talking feeling himself go red.
"Oh you mean like a date Kyle?" she said the beautiful smile entirely gone from her face now.
Too late to deny it now but suddenly he couldn't verbalize his thought and instead nodded gruffly.
"That's really sweet of you" Bebe continued. "But I'm already seeing someone. It's kind of her friend's party that's on Friday".
Seeing someone! Since when? Then suddenly the whole sentence processed completely in Kyle's head with the emphasis on one particular pronoun.
"Wait a moment?" he said backing up. "Her party?"
Perhaps he had heard her wrong.
"Yeah, her name's Jessie. She's great Kyle. I'm so happy" Bebe beamed again and then seemed to remember how this came up in the first place. "But I'm sorry, I really do like you, just not that way".
"That's cool Bebe, talk to you later" Kyle mumbled slinking to his chair up the back like a dog. He couldn't imagine a more humiliating start to the week.
