Disclaimer: I own nothing here that might get me sued. In fact, this wasn't even written by me, I just posted it here for my grandmother, who is really into fanfiction. Honest, I swear.
Unless, of course, you liked it. Then I TOTALLY wrote it, and will marry you if you are taller than 6'3'' and are of the male persuasion.
PLEASE give a little feedback. I'm trying a couple of different things lately in prep for a novella I'm writing as my Senior English Project. 'Preciate it!
Apologies for slaying the Japanese Language. And for swearing too frequently. And for being so non-canon. But honestly, I love you all. Kisses!
-Prologue-
How did it come to this? Why is this happening?
I thought I would be free here at college. Instead, I'm playing wet nurse to my Mom's client's stupid sons. Twins, no less. Japanese, no less.
How did this happen to me?
The Hitachiin twins are more trouble than they're worth. Which isn't a whole hell of a lot.
And they have succeeded in making my life here at Catacombs College a living hell.
Thank you, God. Thank you so bloody much.
It's like this: My name is Janae Thompson. Don't call me Jan if you wish to keep all your fingers. Call me Nae only if you feel really brave. NEVER pronounce it like "Jenny". My name is JANAE, as in: J for Jerk, rhymes with Clan, rhymes with Yay!
Stupid, I know. Now shut it and listen to what I have to say.
Anyways, my mom is really into multi-cultural bullshit nowadays, which is why she HAD to hire an authentic Japanese interior designer for our new living room here in Goose Crotch, Montana. Turns out she had a connection through one of her definitely-for-profit charity organizations she's always…um, well, organizing. As a celebrity lawyer, she can afford that.
Plus, of course, the designer kitchen from Italy, the German-theme Master bed-and-bath, and the Peruvian dining room, among other things.
However, none of the international interior designers my mom flew in had sons who were going to the same college as I was in the fall. Especially not Japanese twins who don't know when to MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS.
Sorry, Hikaru is looking over my shoulder as I type this. They're both in my room with me, with the door shut, which my RA, Jess, should NEVER allow, except for two things:
1. My mom and the Hitachiins and my RA and my roomie Karin (basically, everyone but me) consider us members of some sicko kind of reunited family, and therefore the twins are now my "adopted cousins". Yeah, as if.
2. The twins pulled some kind of mind control on my RA and charmed her socks off with their pretty-boy looks and oh-so-sweet "brotherly love". Which is just wrong. Wrong, wrong, WRONG.
So now Jess thinks the twins can do no wrong, and let them do whatever they want; which, turns out, is usually to fake-dote on one another like sappy gay turtledoves, or to pick on/tease/prank me.
Just my luck, huh? I finally meet some attractive foreigners, and they're only interested in me as a punching bag.
What a way to start the college semester, right?
It gets worse.
We're rooming in the same building, which means they never leave me alone.
I ask you, how do I explain having to show these twincestuous losers around campus, and American culture in general, to boys who may want to get to know me in a Biblical sense?
Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
Kaoru, if you don't stop breathing down my neck, I'll tear out your esophagus and feed it to you.
Sorry again.
They think they're so great. They do this really weird talk together/laugh obnoxiously together/dress the same thing that makes me want to puke.
How am I going to handle this??
Someone, anyone, HELP ME!
No, not you two. Don't TOUCH me, you homos!
-And so it all began…Chapter One-
"Catacombs AHOY!" shouted the twins from the backseat of my Concorde.
I turned around to face them. "I TOLD you, if you don't SHUT IT-"
"We know, we know." Hikaru flipped his hair out of his eyes and grinned. "Demo, it's so BORING back here, Oujou."
Arrrrrgh. That grates my nerves just TYPING it.
I turned back to the road. "Please, just keep quiet while I try to find a place to park. And cut out the Japanese slangy bullcrap."
As I glanced into the rearview mirror, they both tilted their heads to the side and intoned, "Gomen nasai, Janae-tan."
Honestly. Japanese boys are so weird.
Anyways, I got a spot reasonably close to where our building is located on campus. It's actually the perfect building: central to all my classes, the dining hall and the gym. Everything's a two-minute walk away.
Good thing, too. Catacombs is located on top of a FREAKING MOUNTAIN.
No shit. It's a sixty mile drive up at a 45 degree angle. Talk about remote from civilization.
Not that you can describe Goose Crotch as a civilization. No, not by any stretch of imagination. There are two gas stations, a Bi-Lo, a pizza joint that looks pretty good (there are bowling balls half-buried in the concrete wall surrounding it) a coffeehouse called Cool Beans (puh-LEASE) a cheap bowling alley (ah, that explains the interesting décor at the pizza joint) and a motel called the GooseDown Inn.
The closest Wal-Mart is 30 minutes drive away.
Our new house (me and Mom) is exactly 48 minutes and twenty seven seconds away.
That's it. That's all there is. No Blockbuster, no mall to speak of. Not even a McDonalds here for God's sake, and if that doesn't astonish you, then you obviously just dropped down from another planet.
In which case, please TAKE ME WHEN YOU LEAVE.
It literally astounds me that Goose Crotchians don't commit suicide more often.
Whose godawful idea was it to send me to college here, anyways? Oh, that's right, one of my mom's social peers recommended it at her last Cheese and Wine Social.
What I wouldn't give to kick his ass all the way down here, let him look around, then kick it all the way back to DC, where I SHOULD be going to college. Y'know, with people I actually KNOW and UNDERSTAND.
Say what you will about DC, at least the word "crotch" isn't in the name.
Anyway.
As I got out of the car, some total douche sidled up next to the car, put his slimy hand on my arm and said, "May I escort you and your bags to your dorm, Miss?"
Does that not reek of harassment to you? I did not know this man.
All of a sudden there's a bellhop service my first day at college? RIGHT.
I looked around for the unmarked white van and a trail of lollipops.
"I'm here to help delicate ladies get moved in, lend some manly strength to a noble cause." He laughed like a retard at this. Like he honestly thought that he was funny.
This total loser was hitting on me so hard he didn't even notice the Japanese twins in the backseat I had to lug here with me. Yeah, carry those up, you dickweed.
"Plus, if there's anything else you may need while you are here at Catacombs," he leered, his hand STILL groping my arm, "I'm always willing to, ahem, help out…" and he wiggled his eyebrows like Pres. Taft bellydancing.
I smiled sweetly at him. See, at that point I was in a relatively good mood. I put my face close to his and beamed. "If you lay one slimy, repulsive finger on anything that belongs to me, INCLUDING me," and here I peeled his hand from my forearm, "I'll rip you a new nostril. Kapice, bellboy?"
He took a step back. I could tell he was a little surprised. "Okay, fine," he sneered, trying to cover up the fact that he was the biggest loser on the face of the earth, "I get it. Jeez, it's just something I have to do for course credit in my applied schem-"
I interrupted his train of thought. "I don't give a rat's about you or your turdly course credit. Get out of my way, and stay there for the rest of your life."
He stared at me in disbelief. "You really ARE a total bitch, aren't you?"
I gave him my best smile, and flipped my hair. "Now you know the difference between good looks and a good personality. Now beat it before I beat YOU."
He retreated, nonchalant yet hastily, pausing to say under his breath, "Go to hell."
"I own a summer home there, little man. Back away and continue your meaningless existence."
-_-_-
The Hitachiins watched this scene with growing interest, until finally they could not help but burst into laughter in the backseat, rolling around and pounting on the seats while howling like loons.
As soon as Kaoru could catch his breath, he turned to his brother and gasped, "So, what do you make of our bitchy Oujou now?"
Hikaru wheezed through his tears, "I think we just got guaranteed an interesting year here at Catacombs, eh Kao-kun?"
This made them laugh even harder, until both were red-faced and sweaty.
-_-_-
As soon as the bellhop/loser had left, my attention was drawn to my stupid fake cousins, who were absolutely pissing themselves laughing.
"Oi!" I rapped my ring against the widow sharply. "Stop dicking around and give me a hand with all your luggage."
This brought them sharply up and out of the car. "What is it? What is it?" they asked eagerly. "What is 'dicking'?"
That caught me off-guard. Great, the first American word I taught them was "dick". Mom will be overjoyed when she finds out. "Um, I dunno, it just means…nothing important. Now will you get your lazy butts up the hill with all this junk?"
I cast my critical eye over the piles upon piles that had been buried away in my trunk. "Didn't I tell you not to bring too much stuff? Didn't I say we'd drive to Wal-Mart later to get anything you might need besides personals?"
I nudged my toe against my backpack. This, and my collapsible laundry bag, were all I had filled with things for college. "I even make a case against bringing too many clothes as personal items," I grumbled.
"That's not fair," whined Hikaru. "We NEED all this stuff!"
At this, Kaoru grabbed his brother's sleeve and stage-whispered, "I thought you said I was all you needed, Hikaru…"
Oh brother, here it goes.
Hikaru grinned softly, and swung an arm around to pull his twin closer. "Of course, my darling. If all I have is you, then I have all I need…"
Kaoru pushed his face close to Hikaru's, and lowered his eyes. "Onegai, Hikaru, people are watching us."
As I watched this, two girls getting out of a truck near me stopped to watch. And promptly fainted.
I stared at them, then at the twins. "Dude, what the hell?"
They let go of each other, linked arms and began laughing like Taft on nitrous oxide. "The Hitachiin twins are sugoi!"
-_-_-
"Okay, here's the deal," said Janae over her shoulder to the two groaning boys, dragging their college belongings behind them up the hill to the dormitory.
"I am here for two things. I am here to study, and I am here to get it on with hot college boys. Now, what you do in your sp-"
"What," interrupted Kaoru, "about sleeping?"
"And," continued Hikaru, "eating?"
Janae groaned. "With any luck, I won't have to do either. Now LISTEN: what you two do in your spare time is YOUR business. I can only ask that you leave me alone if you value your life. I'm not here to mommy you through your American college experience, got it?"
The twins stopped, pointed and laughed. "Look, they're playing American football!"
Janae made a cellphone gesture with her hand. "Moshimoshi?"
The twins turned to her. "Nani?"
"I have been TALKING to you, idiots!"
"Hai, we got it already" they intoned. "Leave you alone."
"Exactly."
"Until that time which you decide to get it on with us."
"Yes, exac…HELL NO!"
Kaoru stuck out his tongue. "YOU were the one who brought up screwing hot college guys."
Janae stomped up the hill, away from them. "I sure as HELL didn't mean either of YOU."
They watched nonchalantly as she reached the door, pushed aside two freshmen girls having a conversation (who promptly burst into tears) and stomped inside Rayburn Hall.
"Kaoru."
"Yes?"
"Shall we have a contest, ne?"
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Hikaru?"
Hikaru raked his fingers through his hair and grinned. "It's the "Who can get Janae to crack first" game!"
"Yup, I can't wait."
With matching smirks, they linked arms, laced fingers, and strutted up the hill together. "Let the party begin!"
-_-_-
Again, thanks for reading this. I would like to point out: if anyone can guess my movie/literary allusions, I'll buy you a lollipop.
Just a drabble at this point, trying a new style of narrator voice. I have definite plans to continue, but no plot in mind right now,
It kind of flips from present to past tense, and from Janae's POV to third person a couple of times. Sorry if that was hard to follow.
And please send a little feedback my way!
