The Cooper Anderson Story

By Cooper Anderson

On one bright day a handsome boy was walking down the street. The sunlight glistened across his perfect cheekbones and some really bitchin sunglasses were shielding his bright blue angelic eyes from the harsh rays of the sun. The boy was going to get some ice cream at the ice cream place a few blocks over – he went there because he had no money due to the fact that he had very fair and delicate skin that was not cut out for manual labour because really – he was not going to risk becoming horribly disfigured because McDonalds didn't understand how breathtakingly beautiful he was, but having no money was no problem at the ice cream place because the hot girls that worked there liked him and gave him free ice cream (because unlike McDonalds they DID understand how breathtakingly beautiful he was).

Anyway, on his way to the ice cream place, a man stopped him and asked the boy his name. The boy told him his name was Cooper Anderson and the man said to Cooper, "Son, do you realize how totally hot you are?" and, though Cooper did realize his hotness had no limits, he didn't want the poor lonely thirty year old gay man to think he had any interest in touching his spirit stick, so Cooper apologized to the man and said, "I am sorry lonely gay man, but cooper junior has no interest in meeting your old fleshy shake weight, but I have a gay brother who will be legal in four years if you're willing to wait." The man blushed and told Cooper that he didn't want to meet cooper junior (which was totally a lie because everyone wants to meet cooper jr let's be honest, but to spare the man's feelings Cooper didn't call him out on the obvious lie) instead the man insisted that Cooper should be on television, a fact Cooper already knew, but was happy to hear again. Then the man asked Cooper if he could act and Cooper pointed his finger right in the man's face and yelled REALLY INTENSELY "HOW DARE YOU, SIR! MY DEAD FATHER WAS AN ACTOR AND HE IS DEAD AND I AM SAD!" then Cooper threw his leather jacket to the ground in pure ANGER and calmly said "and scene" to alert the man that it had all been nothing but a wonderful performance!

The man said nothing for a few seconds, as he was completely blown away by the Oscar worthy performance he had just seen, but then he pulled out a card and handed it to Cooper.

"I think you might be the perfect fit for this commercial I'm working on, gimme a call if you're interested." The old man said.

Cooper smiled, wrote his own number on the card, and handed the card back to him, "Why don't you call me." He told the man, because Cooper Anderson doesn't call anybody THANKYOUVERYMUCH, and then he walked towards the ice cream place where he got free ice cream and then had hot sex with the girl working there to reward cooper junior.

And that is the story of how Cooper Jay Anderson got into the acting business, but also the story as to why, any day now, his newly legal little brother should be getting a phone call from a horny old guy with Hollywood connections.

Beautiful stuff.