A/N: Hi my peeps! I've decided to write a fixer fic for STAR TREK VOYAGER. I used to watch the show all the time on TV back in the '90s, and looking back, it had a good premise—people lost in space, a race of cyborgs chasing htem, a snotty hologram doctor, a lady captain!—but it really wasted said potential. So I'm writing this fixer fic to save the show's premise.

Plot problems I plan to fix include, but are not limited to:

INACCURATE CHARACTERIZATION: Captain Jane Way is so inconsistently written it's not even funny. One episode, she's this pragmatic, on-a-mission Starfleet captain. Then the next episode, she's all about politics and her love life, hanging out at a bar and trying to steal the waitress's boyfriend. Then suddenly she's an investigative reporter married to Columbo. Then in another episode she's got an eye-patch, and then in yet another episode the eyepatch is gone and she's gained like 15 pounds and a Russian accent.

Then there's the holographic Dr. Smith. He was cool and all, with his snooty, sophisticated personality, but I hate how he kept switching from good to evil, bald to having hair, to having an "H" on his head sometimes and sometimes not.

OFFENSIVE STEREOTYPES: I'm looking at you Chakotay! I cannot believe Star Track thought it was okay to have a Native American Indian who falls into such stereotypes like having a dream catcher, talking about spirits, liking nature, being buff, having black hair.

Another character who I find to be a very offensive stereotype is Ensign Billy Kim. Not all Koreans are gangsters, and to introduce the one Asian crewmember murdering a businessman with a baseball bat before putting snakes on a plane to kill the witness is very offensive IMO.

Here's what I'm planning to fix these horrendous stereotypes; Chakotay will have traits other than just being "the token Native American;" I'll explain his story-telling by making him a hobby anthropologist, and his stoic demeanor by him having a history in the military. He'll also have interest like paleontology, boxing, and being a vegetarian, so he'll have personality traits other than just stereotypes. As for Ensign Billy Kim, I'm going to portray him as a nice innocent sweet kind of boy, just trying to get by lost in space and wanting to get home, a sort of symbol of Earth's innocence in the future.

OVERALL BAD WRITING!: "Star Trek" the original series and "Star Trek: The Next Generation" were both classic, but "Voyager" made many a mishap that its precursors never would have. Every other episode ended with the Reset Button, so there was hardly any continuing storyline; the aliens always looked super-human, usually with lame rubber foreheads; recurring characters didn't recur very often, with the lame excuse of actors being unavailable or some trite; a never-ending supply of shuttles and redshirts for no explored reason; and finally, there were inconsistencies like Janeway's cat Spot changing genders from episode to episode, or the Doctor having a nice who time-traveled with him in early seasons that suddenly vanished and was never mentioned again.

Now I'LL ADMIT that I'll admit there were SOME good things on the show, like Seven out of Nine was a good character (but what the heck was with her strutting around like a slut in a red dress, and always having sex with the doctor when no one was looking? And that hairdo was just ugly on her, the chin-length, white-blond curly hair, she overall looked like something out of the '80s.) I also like Lt. B'Elanna Starbuck's problems with her anger issues, Commander Obama struggling to keep the fleet from separating and dealing with his best friend being a Cylon, and the black Vulcan guy with the "S" on his forehead who always said "Indeed."

SO the good things about "Star Trek: Voyager" will be salvaged, but the flaws will be flushed out like yesterday's turd you forgot to flush last night because you were drunk and forgot to flush.

I don't own "Voyager!" ….


CHAPTER ONE: "CARE TAKEN!"

"What the hell happened here?" Demanded captain Jane Way.

"Indeed," said the Guy Who Says Indeed, from tactical. "We are indeed in an indeedly precocious predicimate, Jane."

"Lt., we've been friends for years," Captain Way ordered, "but please don't use my first name on the bridge. It's not crunch time yet!" Turning to her helmswoman she ordered, "Stadi, hail the Marquis ship!"

Stadi stubbornly refused to respond. The Betazoid was slumped in her chair with her eyes staring uninterested at her captain. irritated by her pilot's unprofessional air, Jane Way barked, "Lt. Stadi I gave you a direct order!"

"She's dead," Tom Bombadil, the convict Captain Way had just regurgitated from a Penile Colony on New Zeeland Prime, said taking a pulse.

"Fuck," Said Captain Jane Way.

"Indeed," said Lt. Tupac (I just remembered the character's name! Lol sorry, drinking Vodka while writing to help relax, and kind of tipsy lulz)

"Someone hail those Marquis motherfrakers!" Captain Way demanded.

"I'll do it!" Tom said, and hailed the Maruqis.

On the screen appeared a man who was sex on a stick from the forehead down, and one hideous buzzcut form the forehead up. He was dressed in a leather vest, a striped sweater, kakis and sexy combat boots (NOT buckskin and war paint like the racist real TV show introduced him in). on his forehead was a strange design that was neither from any real Indian tribe, but still admittedly funky and kind of hot so I decded to keep it in this fic, and I'll come up with a explination for it in a later chapter.

"I'm Commander Chevrolet. How may I be of assistance?" The Marquiz captain said threateningly, eyeing the Starfleet woman with a threatening glower that gave some hint of sexual lust.

"I've been sent to capture on your crew!" Captain Way replied. "I'm here to charge you with the murder of one Kardashian Gul Dukat!"

"Impossible!" Commmnader Chattaway gasped. "How could you possibly know that?"

"I'm an investigative reporter for Starfleet, in addition to being captain. my husband, Admiral columbo, send me on this mission aboard Voyager, to conduct an investigavive report of the Delta Quadrant. I have an eye-infection that sometimes crops up , which will explilan why I randomly have an eye patch now and then but sometimes not," she said, as an eyepatch had suddenly appeared on her fac,e "And also I spend a summer as an exchange student in Mother Russia, which iz why I somtimez speak wiz a Wussian accent."

"I will never surrender!" Commander Chipotle declared.

"You WILL surrender to me…." Jane Way said, "…in bed!"

"But you're married to COlumbo," Ensign Billy Kim argued.

"Sh!" Jane hissed. "I know! This is part of my under cover covert mission, to gain information from the Marquis captain ! It was my husband COlumbo's idea actually."

"Clever!" Said Billy Kim.

"Indeed" said the guy who says indeed (forgot his name again)

"Fine," Chocolate surrendered, "I'll give myself up to you Captain Way, only if you let my crew go."

"No!" cried his first officer, Lt. B'Lanna Starbuck, a half-Clingon and half-Cylon who enjoyed beerpong. "Who is she to make this decision for all of us?"

"She's the captain," Chattaway said grimly.

Chacotey was beamed off of his Marquis ship, the Moya, and onto Voyager, where he was taken into custody by the "indeed" guy and the sexy security guy with the black hair who I dno't think has a name. He was dragged to Jane Way's bed chamber where he quickly found himself restrained with many straps and chains and ropes and duct tape and polycarbon restraints and a pair of fuzzy hand cuffs. Then Captain Way entered in her pink night gown, from which she slowly began to strip and reveal her luxurious cream-white breasts topped with pink Irish nipples.

"I get what I deserve," the Marquis captain sobbed in againzoied defeat, as the Starfleet captian began to undress him, revealing his many exotic tattoos.

ELSE WHERE on the Marquis ship…..

"What are we going to do?" Demanded Ensign Samantha Wildman. "We can't leave our Marquis captain Chakotee to his fate!"

"Oh yes we can," said Dr. Archie Hopper from "Once Upon A Time" (don't ask me what he's doing in Chakotah's Marquis crew, but there he was, on "Voyager" on TV, so hey I'll take it. "I can guide us all through therapy, as your conscience. Loss of a captain to a horny woman is a grave but common occurance that we must deal with together."

"NO!" Yellled B'Elanna Starbuck. "I wn't have it! We must rescue him!"

"Yes!" Cried Kess, the Betazoid love-slave who was still exploring her mental powress. "We must save our captain! We are fighters after all!"

"But how?" Said Chief O'Brian

"We'll think of a way," replied Kai, Last of the Brunnen Gee.

Lt. Starbuck summoned her Klingon strength and her Cylon wit, and with much trepidation, summoned together an away team, including herself, Kess, Chief O'Brain, Archie Hoper, and three of the Ice Pirates.

They beamed onto Voyager wwith guns drawn.

"HOLY FUCK" Billy Kim cried out innocently, and swooned with fear, into a faint.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Tom cried. "THEY KILLED BILLY! YOU BASTARDSS!"

Lt. B'Nana Starbuck's screamed as she waved her faser threateningly, "WHERE IS OUR NAT OF AMERICAN CAPTAIN AND HIS UGLY HAIRCUT? RETURN HIM NOW!"

"Indeed I can not," Said Tupak. "He is curerenly in the captain's bed room, being deflowered by captain Jane Way."

Sudenly the door opened, that separated the captain's bedroom from the bridge. Captain Way and Chipolte could be seen ass naked, sitting on the bed and smoking. Captain Way now was wearing her eye pathc again, and wearing her investigative reporter trench coat.

"SO!" Captain Jane exclaimed. "You Marquis are secretly planning to blow up Starfleet's disco club!"

"How could you know that?" Chevrolet bellowed with horror and shock and sexual admiration n

"You mumbled it, while I was 'polishing your totem pole,'" she said.

"Fuck," the Marquis admitted.

"How dare you fuck our captain!" Starbuck declared, and launched herself at Jane Way.

"Aaah, fresh meat!" Captain way exclaimed. "I haven't shagged another girl since the Academy!"

"If you would all shut the fuck up for a moment," Lt. Tupac said, "I do indeed have some important information which I have forgotten to real,"

"WHAT" Jane Way screamed. "Make it snappy Tupoc, my lesbian drive ain't gonna last all day!"

'what I have failed to report my indeed captain is that I indeed failed to report we have indeed been flung 69,000000000,0000 light years away from Earth. We are lost in space. The impact killed Commander Stady, and injured the sight in your eye, epxlianing why you sometimes need an eye patch but sometimes not."

"NO!" Captain Jane cried. "I"ll never see my huisband columbo again!"

"But you can movie on," Chevrolet suggested.

"A half-Clingong half-Cylon will never survive out here," Lt. Starwalker sighed sadly.

"Yes you will,' Captain Jane said. "You will be my new chief engineer."

"What about me?" Asked Voyager's current engineer, Mr. Conductor (played by Alec Baldwin from "Thomas and the Magic Rail Road").

"Oh, yeah." Captain way got out her phaser and shot him.

"Sparkle, sparkle sparkle!" Mr. conductor cried out with his dying breath just before he vaporized.

"Gendleman," captain Way announced, "Ladies, today we begin a long journey home. We will continue as one crew, a Starfleet crtew. Theres another caretaker out there, ad well be looking for her. And well be looking for wormholes, and bungholes and any kind of hole that might make this journey more pleasurable. Set a course Mr. Solo….for HOME!"

TO BE CONTINUED!