I OWN NOTHING

Like some of you may have figured it out, I am now in love with a certain game called Undertale. That's when something odd hit me given my love for pasta, odd attraction to spiders, and belly-dancing.

It won't make sense to anyone but me.

So here's an odd crack pairing, my first time doing this to be honest. And why am I doing this? Well, why not?

Pairings - Frisk x Muffet, and Undyne x Alphys. Sorry guys, but I don't see myself supporting any of the other fan pairings because I'm not interested into getting in any of those shipping wars. At least Undyne and Alphys are a canon thing so I can get away with that. As for this main pairing, it's all crack so flame all you want if it's not your OTP and it somehow hurts you, I won't care.

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Frisk, as odd as he could be, was perhaps smarter than his new family could give him credit for. He managed to befriend them, do things they would think impossible for a little kid, and all while being a rather introverted child. Now a grown teen, or rather just a twelve year old boy, he was ready to face his new life as an ambassador for humans and monsters.

And the best way to face monsters was perhaps ass first, with your face placed in a pair of soft purple cheeks covering your vision.

How did it come to this?

He'd have asked that but as always, even in the cruelest of situations, he said nothing.

It was a pretty normal day before the mess started.

Frisk was combing his now longer hair which reached his shoulder. He frowned at the fact he could still be confused for a girl, though. His seemingly permanently narrowed eyes didn't dwell on his features when he stared at his mirror, and so he started his day by staring at the card for the Spider Bake Sale. He had a special discount so long as he brought it with him, and showed it to the owner.

Their first meeting was… best forgotten in his opinion. But after getting to the surface, setting a nice shop, and awing the people with countless spiders bringing them delicious pastries Muffet earned herself a pretty big coin. Even the Nice Cream guy found some luck when walking around beaches and parks with his little shop. Sans for his part… was still Sans. You could count on him for hotdogs and hotcats, but part of you wondered why you saw him at a hotel one minute and then at the top of an office building the next earning easy money the next.

Speaking of the lazy skeleton, he gave Frisk one of his hoodies as a present, which the boy used almost all the time, even in summer. Surprisingly, it made weather meaningless and kept him cool in hot days and warm in cold nights. Toriel herself had been confused by it, but decided to roll with it seeing how her surrogate son was doing well.

Speaking of the female goat monster, she was calling him, "Frisk, breakfast is ready." He put on his striped shirt, a pair of blue shorts, his black shoes, and his hoodie on top with the hood down.

Toriel was already finishing her own meal while the boy sat with her at the table, digging into his eggs and bacon.

He gave the horned woman a bright smile, telling her like that what he meant to say, "I'm glad you enjoy it, dear. Now, would you like to hear some good news?" he nodded, "Well, school has been cancelled. It appears that Papyrus somehow convinced the principal to let him use the cafeteria to make a Spaghetti Day last night."

He arched a brow at that, silently questioning what she meant.

"Basically, he wants to feed the homeless with his pasta." She replied with a proud smile, "I heard that it's at least edible now, not great, just… ok."

Being nice towards Papyrus' cooking was a tall order, but one could manage so long as he and Undyne weren't together in the kitchen. At least a certain yellow lizard kept the fish warrior lady busy by having her as a bodyguard at anime conventions. If some nerd tried to flame, troll, or bully Alphys for her taste in anime, they'd learn to never do it again the painful or the urine-in-pants scary way.

Frisk pondered what to do with his free day then, and then remembered the card that displayed Muffet in her puffy red outfit holding six plates in each of her hands showing some of her best products. So far he hoped her pet wasn't in the menu, then he'd… Huh, it seems he actually found something to do that day.

Seeing him get up, Toriel asked, "Where are you going?" He flashed her the card, making her nod, "Ok then, dear. Just be careful and try not to eat too much before lunch."

The boy nodded and walked out the door, meeting none other than King Asgore, "Oh Frisk… A-Ahem…" he was wearing his new pink shirt with white flowers, and nervously adjusting his collar with one hand while the other held a net especially made for capturing snails, "Is Tori… I mean, is Toriel at home?"

He nodded truthfully. He felt for the old king, wanting to patch things with his ex.

In all honesty, Frisk didn't think Toriel was in mood for dating. She did enjoy spending time with Sans but so far that seemed to build more into friendship than a relationship, which Sans respected. Asgore for his part wanted to at least patch things up with the fire using woman, to at least earn her friendship after everything he did. She… at least tried to tolerate him, but only when Frisk was around.

"Dreemurr…" her cold voice told the boy she was doing a great job at not letting her anger win.

"Ah… Toriel, I… Um, I found a nice snail hunting spot at the park. We could… or you could go there with this…" he handed her the net.

She sighed but accepted it, "Thanks." She looked at her son in all but blood, "Actually, I need a favor of you, Asgore."

Frisk had a pretty good idea what it'd be.

The bearded goat smiled brightly, his white cheeks now pink because of the intense blush beneath his fur, "Sure thing, Toriel. Just ask."

"Frisk is going to the Spider Café. I want you to go with him and make sure he's all right." She said calmly.

The other goat blinked, "Wait, why would that be dangerous? Isn't Muffet-"

Her eyes narrowed, cutting him off, "Am I clear, Dreemurr?"

Frisk winced a bit, she had finally called him by his first name and then went back to using his last name sternly.

The goat man nodded, gulping, "C-Crystal."

She smiled at Frisk, "Good. Now go on, Frisk. I shall hunt some snails for today's dessert."

He nodded, looking forward to it.

Hey, after everything he ate at the Underground, having something similar to French food didn't sound so bad.

Frisk got into Asgore's car, the goat man pulling his seatbelt as the kid did so too, and tried to make conversation, "So… you like spiders?" the boy nodded, "I mean, there's nothing wrong with them and they make good food, but… Muffet is a bit scary, even to me."

Hearing the man that destroyed any option for mercy say that really confused the boy, which he communicated with a questioning glance at him.

"Ok, I may be strong, but Muffet knows how to make people play by her rules." He nodded a bit grimly at that, still remembering how he climbed up away from her pet while she giggled, served him a cup of spiders, or danced along her brethren. "And that's how she runs her business and life."

Frisk nodded again, but he knew better. Muffet did all of that to secure all spider clans were together and living a happy life. Considering how far apart they were because of the snowy weather in the caverns separating the Ruins and the Core, he could see why she'd act that way for money. It didn't mean she didn't scare him when he found himself trapped in her web.

"Still, you're our ambassador and around her age. I'm surprised how talented you both are." Asgore's voice had pride all over it.

True enough, he was surprised that Muffet was actually the same age as him, she just happened to be a different kind of spider than the others, and knew how to use her charms well. Not to mention she had a lot of good marketing on the web… Ok, maybe Frisk spent more time than he should with Sans.

They finally pulled over a small shop with a large crystal window leaving half a dozen tables to be seen, the counter which displayed many delicious pastries, and thousands of spiders crawling around. The tiny arachnids and some bigger ones – like tarantulas – all carried plates either with food or empty around, greeting cards, menus, and pens and notebooks to take the orders of any costumers.

And on the counter, with her two pigtails still small and cute on her, though Frisk would admit no matter what she did she'd still look adorable, was Muffet. She now had a cute maid outfit complete with a hat, and still remained taller than him. He wasn't a very tall child, heck, he just managed to grow an inch over Sans since they left the Underground.

He recognized a schoolgirl in a sailor uniform whose body was made of green fire seated with a bashful looking human teen in a black Japanese uniform fidgeting before her. She did look amused. Frisk wondered if the teen actually tried to picture what it'd be like to date fire or if he was willing to take the risk.

Watching Asgore at the door was enough of a clue that he should just enter and place his order.

"Ah, welcome, dearie." Muffet sang behind the cash register, her five eyes staring at him intently, "Did you come here to play with my pet? Ahuhuhu, just kidding… What will you have?" he placed his card on the counter and put his finger on the picture of, "A spider donut coming right up." She clapped her six hands, and from the ceiling descended a dozen spiders, holding a donut in their webs. "And you, Your Majesty?"

"I'll have what he's having, extra-large if possible." Asgore said while fishing his wallet.

Muffet nodded and smiled at Frisk, "Why don't you two take a seat? It'll take a while for the king's order to be done, so I'll personally bring you anything you want from the menu if the donut isn't enough, dearie."

Frisk felt his cheeks redden at the attention, but brushed it off as her trying to be in her best behavior as the owner of the place.

So he and the king found a nice table and waited for the king's order. Meanwhile, Frisk watched the boy holding the fire girl's hand in his, and trying not to cry as he talked to her about something while standing the pain. Seeing her cheeks grow hotter while the boy tried to show her his heart filled Frisk with something… odd. It was like determination, but it felt different.

Soon Muffet arrived, skating. Frisk arched a brow as her skirt flew to show… white bloomers-like shorts beneath. Good thing, otherwise if she had been using something more revealing… He needed to stop thinking that, she was already spinning to a stop before him and the king.

With two hands she handed them a menu each, and with the others she set plates, napkins and empty coffee mugs, "Would you like some coffee? It's on the house so long as you arrive here before noon."

Asgore nodded, "Sure, I'll have mine with five sugars and lots of milk." He looked at Frisk, "How many will you have?"

Muffet giggled, "You strike me as a black coffee person, did I guess it right?" she was… far off. If he had to eat, he preferred sweet treats like her pastries. But seeing her smile, he really felt powerless.

He nodded.

With a smile, Muffet rolled around the table with the odd couple, fishing some ointment from her dress and handing it to the boy without wasting a second to stop. Once in the kitchen it didn't take her half a second to come back and pour them their coffee with a smile, "Would you like anything else, dearie?"

He kind of expected her to lick her lips… He didn't know why, he just did.

Then again, whenever she stared intently at someone, it was like she were about to eat them up.

But with Frisk, she seemed to resist the urge to creep him out.

Perhaps because she had terrified him enough when they first met.

Finally, his fingers pointed to a slice of spider pie.

Muffet giggled, "Our new dish? Oh good! I would love your honest opinion on it." she smiled wider than he had ever seen her before, and soon she was rolling into the kitchen.

Once inside… she huffed, "Ugh!" she groaned, and put her apron over her face, "Argh, could I be any more direct?! What am I trying to do?! Sit on his lap and wiggle my fangs at him?!"

A tiny black widow patted her shoulder, making her sigh, "I know, Anabelle, I have to be assertive and all but… I mean, come on, how can I make him change facial expressions without being too direct?" she fished a magazine out of her dress, glaring at it, "Keep your distance but give him space, it says… Is it some instinct female humans have and we monsters don't?"

If it wasn't obvious already, one would have to look around the kitchen to see pictures of Frisk at school, visiting the café, in a pair of swimming trunks at the beach, or at her birthday party. And she kept some in her locker too, which was beside his own. At times she wished that once, just once, he'd turn around and find the pictures, while most of her being wanted to die when just the thought crossed her mind.

She threw the magazine at a nearby trash can and kicked an oven in anger, which opened with the king's order freshly baked.

With a sigh, she picked it up and put back her business face, skating towards the duo and fully collected.

"Oh that looks wonderful, thank you, Muffet." The man said, grabbing a fork and knife to cut the donut into bite-sized bits.

"Anything for you two, Your Majesty. After all, Frisk here is a very beloved client, and he's also a hero." She mentally kicked her purple butt at how she worded that, but being a professional business spider she kept her smile like nothing happened.

Asgore nodded, "Oh, and you two go to classes together, right?"

Muffet nodded, "We share some classes so I see him often. I didn't think I'd see him here since I heard it was a free day. After hearing the news I decided to start working here all day long if possible. After all, the spiders may take good care of the clients with or without me, but…" she spun around, posing at the end, "I like to think I'm wearing a cute enough dress to attract clients."

Frisk nodded, giving her a small smile and a thumb up, making her heart flutter.

Asgore smiled, "I agree, it looks good on you. Anyway… why is Frisk such a VIP?"

Muffet put her hand to her mouth, giving a giggle while trying to conceal how her smile wobbled at such a question, "Why wouldn't he? He's adorable!" said boy blushed, but the spider was too busy averting her eyes away from him to keep herself from blushing, "He's brave, he's… he's also a hero to spiders with his donations, and… What can a girl say? He's a hero to monsters, and… kind of an ideal mate…"

She wanted to let the ground suck her in but she kept her smile and calm, teasing demeanor.

Frisk, who thought she was teasing him again, looked at his cup and tried to empty it in one go. Like every tea that Undyne made, the drink was burning so he had to turn around so she didn't see him.

"Besides…" she continued, letting go of her mouth and showing a bashful smile, "Even after everything I put him through and messing with him after that, he was still nice to me. I want to make it up to him."

Asgore nodded, "I see. Well, I couldn't be prouder."

Of course, that wasn't the only reason she liked Frisk…

(Some time ago, when monsters began to adapt into human society.)

"Yo, spider freak!" a human boy said as she walked back home.

She groaned but kept moving, her five eyes closed while another called out at her, "Spider-freak! Spider-freak! Does everything an abnormal freak can!" he sang cruelly.

"Hey, answer us, you bug!" one shouted.

Muffet turned around, "Spiders are arachnids, not-"

And her words died in her mouth when a rock was about to smash her face in… had a small hand not caught it, "Oh crap, is that…" one of the bullies started, backing away from the small squinty eyed kid.

Frisk let go of the rock and stared at the bullies, one of them called out at him, "Well, it seems someone wouldn't mind kissing a spider. Good luck not dying, Frisk the Freak."

The boy said nothing, he just turned to Muffet and offered her his hand.

"Hey, say something, you freaks!" one of them cried, grabbing a stick to hit Frisk on the back of his head… and the boy simply leaned his head to one side, avoiding the blow, "What the?!"

Frisk stepped away from Muffet, having the bullies leave her alone in doing so, and getting them to focus on him. One tried to kick him, but Frisk leaned back with his body bent at an unnatural angle. Another tried to throw another rock at him, but the boy spun around it like he were dancing. Finally another tried to punch him in the face, but Frisk merely tilted his head to the side, letting the bully's fist smash against a tree which caused him to yelp in pain.

They tried to surround the boy, until a voice froze them.

"I knew he was training with Undyne, but this is… humerus…" that bad pun, only one person could make it.

"Uh oh…" the bullies gulped upon seeing the short skeleton.

"I saw a court nearby, wanna play basketball?" Sans asked, lifting his hand up. In a matter of seconds, the bullies were trapped in the basketball nets. "Well, that was a good work-out. I better take three days off to settle this score."

Frisk chuckled at the bad pun as he picked the stick that would have hit his head and snapped it in half, giving his friend a thumbs up after that.

"Don't sweat it, kid. I know you could send them flyin to their mommas and yet you 'stick' to being nice…" he smiled and his pun and walked off, "Welp, next time they try something funny, give me a call. I'll have quite some good jokes I could throw in a loop."

Muffet stared at it all with wide eyes, and then Frisk came to her and smiled, finally holding her hand.

She was in a daze all the way to her café where Frisk guided her to.

To say she liked the boy after that was-

(Back to the present: something was burning!)

"Oh dear, is that-?!" she squeaked and dashed to the kitchen, accidentally bumping into the other boy and making him fall into the fire girl, giving both blushes, "Sorry!"

She found her spiders freaking out while trying and failing to open an oven, one of them carrying a card which said, "We have a special discount on croissants just today." Before realizing her mistake and pulling another in which she wrote the next words, "Oven's stuck! Call for help!"

Muffet growled, "I should have known to buy at MTT for a proper oven and not a cheap brand." She pulled up all of her six sleeves and grabbed the lid, trying hard to pull it open.

Just as she put a foot on the oven to try to force it open, another pair of hands arrived. She watched Frisk there, also pulling with all his might.

And they pried it open… also yanking the door off its hinges.

And soon, Frisk found himself in the position that made him question his existence with Muffet on top of him, her bloomers caught on the knob of a nearby drawer, and her behind on his face.

Before anyone could say that their spider sense was tingling, Muffet got up with a squeal of embarrassment. Her purple face had turned as red as her normal outfit, and the way she pressed her apron on it clearly said she would rather die than be with Frisk. Said boy for his part wiped some blood from his nose and averted his gaze from her.

"Ugh… No!" her shout snapped him out of his daze and made him face her while she bit on her apron, "No, this isn't happening! This isn't real! Someone, end my life! Oh please, I wish I could just die! Just get on with it! Someone! Anyone! I… I… A… Ahu… Ahuhuhu…" her sobs came out in a sad version of her laugh.

Frisk stared at what happened the commotion, a pie, and then back at the crying spider girl whose tears stained her apron.

Muffet's sobs stopped at the sound of something being crushed, she saw Frisk filled with enough determination to eat the burnt pie she intended to give him. Once he finished the first slice, he gave her a thumb up and a smile, saying he enjoyed it.

Her cheeks flared again, but a small smile crossed her lips, "I see… I'm glad you enjoyed it, even if-" she couldn't remember what she wanted to say when Frisk grabbed her face and gently kissed her forehead above her top eye. "F-Frisk…" she hated how meek she sounded.

He smiled, and she could swear his eyes turned hungry, and before she knew it, he was taking off her dress quickly while her six hands ripped off his clothes and-

"Mom! Dad!"

Frisk, now an adult with longer hair, a more athletic body with some muscle marking his skin, and a groggy look on his face woke up from his shared dream with his wife. Said wife mumbled something, for she was dreaming of how she and her husband started to become closer, and at the end the memory mixed with their honeymoon.

At a door Muffet could see a tiny girl carrying a large muffin-shaped spider in her six strong arms. Now grown up, Muffet's body was… quite a sight. Curvaceous child-bearing hips, a bust that she loved to smother her husband's face in until it disappeared in the purple pillows, and a tiny waist typical of few blessed spiders. She had her hair out of its usual pigtails, and still kept it short.

Rubbing her five eyes with her two upper right hands, she spoke to the kid, "Charlotte… What's up, my little muffin?"

The girl walked in, just as her father turned on the light to show her in her pink gown which made her purple skin stand out even better. She was holding her and her mother's pet – Frisk would prefer to be as far away from the giant muffin spider as possible even to this day. Muffet picked her child up, letting the spider muffin crawl away, and rubbed her child's hair. It was a short mop of brown hair, like her father's, but Muffet loved to tie a little ponytail on the left side of her daughter's head.

Frisk stared into two pitch black eyes, almost doll-like orbs of pure blackness that were more narrowed than her mother's, showing along the hair who her father was. Though she didn't have eyebrows, just two normal spider eyes.

Rubbing the sand off his eyes, the young ambassador patted his child's back to sooth her, pulling her and his wife into a warm hug.

"I… I had a bad dream." Tiny five year old Charlotte admitted, "Uncle Sans was fighting someone that looked like Dad but much smaller. He wasn't Dad, he was mean and… and… And he hurt you, Mom. He turned you into dust. Dad couldn't save you that time, he could only put a flower over your dust… And… And when… When Uncle Sans didn't win… Dad fought and…"

"It's ok, it's ok…" Muffet whispered to her kid, using her six limbs to rub her back, run some fingers on her hair, and do her best to sooth her, "You know your dad is stronger than he looks. And I'm here, aren't I? There's no way I'm letting you go."

Charlotte hugged her parents closer, "C-Can I sleep here?"

Frisk nodded and placed a gentle kiss on the girl's head, before sharing a brief lip lock with his wife.

He held her close and told her something.

It wouldn't matter what happened, he and Muffet would forever be filled to determination because of her.

In a few moments, the girl slept peacefully while her parents made sure to keep her warm and safe.

Muffet smiled, to think her webs would catch her not prey but a good man.

Maybe she'd replay the day they met for roleplay that weekend.