Sleep always managed to evade Kanan. It was part of the reason why he spent so many nights wandering the Ghost if meditating did not keep his mind off the past. The Force usually found ways to calm him down with his crew's presence but, sometimes, it only made things worse. No matter how much he tried, his old fears always found him in the worst situations.
The Jedi willed his eyelids to droop but his mind refused to shut itself off. No missions were planned for tomorrow unless they were assigned two jumps from Lothal. Most of the systems they passed through were occupied by Imperial forces whether or not if the local population supported them. Only a small fraction of charted worlds openly supported the Empire out of self interest. He and Hera decided it was best to avoid their own sector mid-jump to Florn.
None of them knew what would happen next. He could not pin point when his instincts kicked in. Trayvis' betrayal took them all by surprise, he supposed. It was a miracle the whole crew escaped those sewers uninjured. Physically, anyways.
Kanan stared at the bottom of the top bunk before sitting on the edge of his bed. Looks like this will be another long night.
He ran his fingers through his hair as he stood up and walked over to his closest. If Hera checked on him, she could scold him for he all cared. It was better than visiting nightmares that never faded with time.
The Jedi shrugged into a grey sweat shirt and started down the hallway. No one would be up to question why he left his hair down. Most of the crew was sleeping at this hour. The only people who could see him like this were dead, if what the Senator implied was true. Just thinking about the possibility made him sick. It was bad enough the Bridgers were taken away from Ezra at such a young age but the thought was too much.
We all lost enough family, he mentally sighed.
A part of him was relieved Hera did not know about his sister. The unwanted memories haunted him as much as Order Sixty-Six. His mind drifted to what could have been if he chose a different in life but that was always overshadowed by the echo of the given by the Emperor. When they first met on Gorse, the Twi'lek only agreed to work as partners. Kanan did not know when it turned into friendship or how their crew formed. He did not care how it how happened, though. It meant they were no longer alone.
The sound of a door opening and closing, followed by footsteps, pulled the jedi from his thoughts. The last time he checked, everyone was supposed to be in bed. Who could be up this late?
Hera's cabin was across from his own. If the pilot was not here, she would be in the cockpit stargazing or being briefed on an last minute mission. Like him, she suffered from insomnia. Between evading the Empire and staying alive, the stress was bound to get to them.
She was sleeping when Kanan quietly opened the door and leaned against the frame. His chest tightened as the faint light from the hallway showed how worn down the Twilek really was. The jedi never understood why Hera tried to shoulder the weight of the whole crew; he was doing that for all of them.
He closed the door and continued down the hallway. The ship was quiet with the exception of the hum of the ventilation system. Just as he rounded the corner, a small figure bumped into his chest and stumbled back to regain balance.
"Kanan?" Ezra shuttered. "What are you doing up?"
The jedi crossed his arms. It has not been long since they began his Jedi training yet he could not shake the feeling that the Force intended for him to be his master. The kid has been making an effort to distance himself from anyone who wanted to help him since Empire Day. Sabine was painting him an extra birthday present after his own efforts to cheer Ezra up failed. It was during times like these where he found himself wondering why he was the only person who could train him.
"I should be asking you the same thing," he said. "Why are you not in bed?"
"Before you ask, I finished eating a few minutes ago." Ezra started, "I forgot something in rear turrent. That's why I went back to the common room."
Kanan could tell from the bags under his Padawan's eyes that he barely slept. If they were not training, the kid was spending his time in the cabin he shared with Zeb. According to Lasat, he just laid on his bunk staring at a framed family picture. When he and Hera learned that Ezra decided to nest in the rear turret at dinner, they let him be. After receiving harsh news like that, who wouldn't hole themselves up?
"Nightmares?" he asked worriedly.
"I just can't sleep," Ezra said.
Kanan wished there was something he could to make this bearable for him. Unfortunately, physical wounds healed within weeks; emotional injuries were different. It could take years for him to get over this bout of depression.
"Want to talk about it?"
The teen slowly met his master's blue-green eyes before trying to brush past him. "Really, its nothing."
"Ezra..." he trailed off.
"Kanan, it's just a dream." Ezra told him, "I'm going to bed, anyway. So you don't have to worry about training tomorrow."
The jedi gently squeezed his student's shoulder. He could feel his heart strings snap as he remembered his sister doing the exact same thing. It was not just the helplessness in his Padawan's voice; it was the memories of what he had to go through himself. This was one way how Ezra followed in his mother's footsteps. The last time they saw each other was on Lothal years ago when they both went their separate ways.
"Just know we are all here for you," Kanan reminded him.
"Now can I go to bed?" he nodded tiredly.
Kanan let go of his shoulder and sadly watched the teen walk down the hall. Sighing, the jedi headed towards the common room as the guilt crushed him.
If you only knew, Kid, he thought. If you all knew.
A holodisk skidded across the metal floor into the foyer. He walked over to the opposite wall to pick it up. It did not take long to realize that this was the same disk Ezra found in the basement of his old house. From what he heard from Hera, Sabine supposedly cleaned it up. He did not know whether to be worried or relieved. The Jedi still could not wrap his head around how his Padawan, let alone his sister, knew Tseebo.
Another wave of guilt hit him as tears sprung to his eyes. He should have pulled the Rodian to the side before they left for Fort Anaxes. Maybe now he would not be feeling this heavy.
Mira, what would you have done if you were here?
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars: Rebels.
I wrote this first chapter to the best of my ability. For anyone is reading or following "Blue Eyes," please know I have not given up on it. In other news, what do you think will happen? Will Hera find out? If so, how will she react?
