CHAPTER 1




Friday December 24th

11.00 p.m.
Brrrrr, it's nippy noodles out tonight. Mr Next Door is still banging about in the garden. He is such a nuisance. I have been thinking about sending some footage of his unsociable behaviour to Neighbours From Hell. He'd be soooo mad.

11.15 p.m.
Am writing a letter to the people at ITV. Ha ha ha.

11.19 p.m.
Libbs has just climbed into my bed. In the nuddy-pants.
"Libby, I am very busy. I do not have time for your games."
"Ginger look, its wormy!"
"… That's lovely."
"Kiss it"
"Libbs, no…"
"KISS IT. Bad boy."
"Well…"

11.22 p.m.
I have just got up to number three on the snogging scale with a WORM. I cannot believe my life.

Saturday December 25th

10.41 a.m.
I woke up to the sound of an automobile tooting annoyingly outside on the drive. I hobbled to the window to find out who was disturbing me at this unearthly hour and of course, it was favourite Uncle. Vati was out there too.
"Do you realise that some people want to relax on the day of Christ's birth? I would advise that you two quieten down."
They just looked up at me and started laughing like drains. Why was I born into such a useless family?

11.30 a.m.
I forgot that with Uncle Eddie came Cousin James. This is the worst Christmas ever.

11.35 a.m.
On the phone to Jas.
"This is the wor-"
"Sorry Gee, can't talk for long. I am just about to go on a little ramble with Tom. I persuaded my mum to let him stay for Christmas, isn't that great?"
"Yes, but-"
"Tom, where are my waders?"
"Stop talking about waders, Jas! Do you not even care what tragedositys there are in the world, i.e. at my house? Do you not care that I have had to spend thirty minutes sitting on the settee with my Cousin James convincing him that strip poker is a bad idea at a festive family gathering?"
Rustling on the other end.
"Gee, sorry, Tom just tripped over the dog. What were you saying?"
I cannot believe it.

2.30 p.m.
Will the Roller-Coaster of Doom never end?

2.46 p.m.
I'm guessing no, because the whole clown-mobile crew have just arrived at our house. Merde.

2.47 p.m.
Rang Dave the Laugh.
"Hi Dave."
"Hello Sex Kitty"
"I am living in the house of the criminally mental."
"Erlack!"


AN-

I hope you like it, and please give me feedback! Next chapter up soon!

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