Prefix: Author's note:
This is a revised version of the story, I expanded the first two chapters to a certain extend and tried in general to make them flow better. I haven't kept tabs on the extent of the changes, but they are definitely enough to warrant a re-read.
I can certainly say more proudly now that this is my story.
Originally here followed a long rant about the disappointing ending to ME3, but we all know that and we know EA further screwed with Mass Effect by making sure Andromeda was another let-down, with bugs and errors that ruined the game's creed.
The only thing I need to mention is, I think, that despite trying to keep this in canon as much as possible, there will of course be changes and small mistakes.
The major difference probably still being that the Normandy did not leave Earth and jump through the portal before it collapsed.
As usual speech and thoughts are indicated by "" and thoughts additionally are written in cursive.
Certain words may be written bold, that usually means that a strong emphasis is put on them.
Disclaimers: No, I do not own Mass Effect, Shepard or any other character appearing in the game, but I if I did, I'd have delivered a better ending. Hell, a monkey typing random characters on a keyboard probably could have written a more fitting ending. But. I. Digress.
The people in this story are on the edge, they don't have the time or power to be polite anymore.
And readers, please review. I can't write it often enough. Reviews are essential for my motivation, since I get so few reviews; it's awfully hard to keep writing.
For today's story I'm borrowing a title by old Edgar Allan, but it's fitting. And there's really lots of swearing and cursing in this.
A dream within a dream:
Chapter One
The elegant Form of the Normandy SR 2 rode in front of the magnificent shockwave.
In the cockpit, Joker's fingers were racing hectically over the glowing controls. The pilot's face was a mask of shock and desperation.
No matter how fast the Normandy was, or how skilled it's pilot, there was no way the ship could escape the torrent of raging energy.
Strangely the colour of the shockwave changed almost rhythmically from blue to red and then green.
Seconds ticked by and soon the Normandy was no longer riding before the wave, but was riding the wave itself, then was engulfed by the wave.
Inside, Joker's movements were getting more frantic, but it was clear that the pilot could not win this battle.
At last the Normandy began to give in to the forces pressing in on her. She lost one of her pylons and steered of course, starting to go into a spin.
A small red dot fell down through a night time sky.
X
Full, green leaves, trees, a lush green jungle. A world full of live; plant life that is.
The wreck of the Normandy comes into view, buried in the jungle.
The once proud ship is badly hammered, gaping holes in its hull, one of them exposing the cockpit. Destroyed parts of the plating and the hull are still smouldering.
The air lock comes into line of sight, it is undamaged. It slowly opens, hinting at a manual opening as it glides to the side. A slightly shell-shocked Joker emerges, moving as careful and awkward as ever.
Slowly he steps away from his ship and takes in the astonishing view of the beautiful landscape around him. What a huge difference between the smoking ruins of once proud planets the Normandy crew had seen the last weeks.
Joker stumbles forward, immersing himself into the scenery.
Back in the airlock Liara appears, the Asari's white armour-coat combination, gleaming as if it just came from dry-cleaning and maintenance, cautiously leaving the safety of the hull and stepping down to Joker. Her eyes are wandering around, taking in their surroundings. Maybe the scientist has grown so used to combat by now, that she automatically searches for enemies or defensive positions.
She reaches Joker, who still seems stymied by the world full of life around them, after seeing nothing but death for such a long time.
They scan the area around the ship with their eyes, look at each other and start to take in the idyllic landscape. They seem content and at peace now; Joker even smiles.
From behind, Javik walks up to them, the grim Prothean survivor appears to be as relaxed as never.
The three are enjoying the wonderful sight before them, the blue sky, the peace, while their ship burns beside them.
"No, this is wrong. Liara… Liara is on earth. Javik is on earth.
Why would they…? How… How can Joker have taken the Normandy through the Portal, before the energy started to spread?
Why… how… How can they be on board? When did Liara find the time to change her armour, she was wearing the red and black one. When we… When we… Why can't I remember what happened?
Why does everything hurt so much?
Liara. Liara, where are you? You wouldn't leave me here. Joker wouldn't leave me here. Where am I, Liara? And why aren't you here with me?
We promised. We…
This is not right. This can't be right. They can't do this to me. To her, to us. Garrus. Where's Garrus? Ash? Wrex? Tali. Where's Tali?
Are they all dead? Anderson is dead. How do I know this? Did I see him die? Am I dead then? Is that why Liara isn't with me? But then, then… shouldn't the others be here then?
Why am I alone in here? And where is here? Is this heaven or hell?
I ought to smack Ash over the head with my Phalanx, for believing in such a stupid place.
Ha. Ha. Hehehehe. That's funny. I just knew she was wrong. There is no god, no heaven. No god would have allowed these atrocities to happen.
No god would have created the Catalyst. Unless… Unless he's god. Maybe he's god. That would explain why one energy pulse can take out every little bit of synthetic life, but leave the organics untouched. Heh. Space Magic. That's what it is.
Oh stars, is the pain becoming even stronger?
Is this how I will spend eternity? Drifting here in the dark, all alone? Tortured by seeing visions of my surviving friends living on without me?
It's what I deserve for giving in. They were all wrong. Hackett. Anderson.
In the end I broke. In the end I let them all down.
Oh EDI, Legion, I'm sorry, so sorry. I couldn't see any other way. It was two synthetic species against billions and billions of organics.
I couldn't lead the reapers. They are everything I stand against.
Except that in the end I didn't stand. I wiggled on the floor and exposed my belly before this bastard.
I should have… I should have found a way.
Sorry for letting you die, Edi. Sorry I couldn't save the Geth, Legion.
I would cry, if I still had a body.
Sorry Joker, I couldn't find the strength to tell you how your sister died, but I didn't give her the weapon. I wanted her to continue her miserable life. Wanted her to feel the pain, the horror about what she did each day.
Sorry for killing EDI, Joker.
I wish I could cry.
Why can't the pain stop?
.
.
.
I wish Liara was here. It might be wrong to wish her dead, but I don't want to… no, I can't be here without her.
That's probably part of my punishment as well. First give her to me and then take her away, again and again.
That asshole really must be god. He sure is a bad winner. Wasn't destroying everything I stood for enough?
All my life… all my life I tried to do the right thing. Save everybody I could, never accept defeat. Always helping, always protecting.
Always willing to accept a former enemy as an ally, if he was just willing to change his ways.
I was a regular boy scout (or is that wilderness girl? I think as figure of speech, boy scout should really be gender neutral, I seem to think really stupid things) and proud of it. And then… and then…
I'm such a complete failure. And I thought I did well up until the end.
This pain is killing me. Thank the stars, that I'm already dead
.
.
…but if I'm already dead, then why do I feel as if every centimetre of my being screams in pain?
So maybe…. Maybe I'm not dead, but only dreaming?"
"What an incredible stupid and impossible dream. As if Joker would have run from the battlefield. As if Liara would have left Earth without knowing what happened to me. "
Shepard drew a deep breath and was hit by a wave of pain that was so intense that she started to scream. Or she would have, if screaming had been on her list of options.
But it wasn't. All she could manage was a kind of gargling, suffocating whimper, out of her parchment dry throat.
That move brought on the pain again.
Shepard concentrated on lying still like a log and slowly, carefully opened her dark eyes.
And instantly wished she hadn't.
The light stung her left eye like a laser and she shut both of them again in an instant. Sadly, not before she unconsciously tried to move away from the hurtful light, which resulted in stabs of pain in her head and chest that seriously made her want to be dead instead.
She concentrated again, on lying as still as possible, breathe as soft as possible and definitely, yes definitely not opening her eyes in the foreseeable future.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!"
Was the only useful thought her brain could muster.
"Damn it, Rain! You stupid bitch! Get your act together."
How come her inner voice sounded like a mixture of Hackett, Anderson, her mother's official commanding officer voice and her first drill sergeant?
"What is your situation? Where are you? Why are you even alive?"
"Why wouldn't I be alive?"
"You idiot! Do you remember that asinine AI? The explosion? That alone should have been enough to kill you, even if half of your body wasn't made up of reaper tech, which should have been destroyed by the impulse."
"Fine, fine! I remember. I wish I would know why I'm using such a tone with me?"
"I can tell you that, you utterly useless cow. You caved in. You accepted what that bastard told you at face value. You, you stupid, despicable excuse for a marine killed the Geth and EDI, without even thinking of fighting, without even once asking yourself, if what that damnable child told you was true."
A moment passed, gears and wheels in Shepard's memory started
That made sense. Of course she'd be mad with herself over this. She'd probably hate herself for this.
A moment of clarity swept by as soon as it came.
"Am I going insane here?"
"More important is, where is here?"
"Naturally, it should be the citadel."
"Naturally it should be the citadel."
"Stop parroting me."
"Stop parroting me."
"Stop it! I'm sick of this multiple persona act already."
"Stop it! I'm sick of this multiple persona act already."
"I told you to stop doing this. I really hate you!"
"I told you to stop doing this. I really hate you!"
"I hate you!"
"I hate you!"
"No! I hate you!"
"No! I hate you!"
"I hate you, I hate you Rain Shepard, you disgusting, cowardly piece of shit! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I! HATE! YOU!"
"I hate you! I… ahhhh. Oww. Oww."
The pain generated by screaming with all she had left, seemed to have at least cleared her head a bit.
This exchange within her mind had been so strange. It was almost frightening; hell no, it definitely was frightening.
While she tried to calm herself, using some of the Asari meditation techniques Samara and Liara had taught her, something buried under the pain and confusion flagged on her mental monitor.
When she had opened her eyes, only her left eye had been painfully blinded by the light. Concentrating on the memory showed her only a dark red mist, with some rough black shapes where her right eyes' vision should have been.
Slowly she tried opening her right eye again. It wouldn't open fully and she really couldn't see much besides a few even darker shapes in the darkness. She closed her right eye and opened the left a fraction of a millimetre.
Thankfully, it wasn't as bad as before. She could make out some shapes and the light didn't feel as glaring as the last time.
Over the course of a few minutes, as far as Shepard could tell the passing of time, she slowly accustomed her eye to the light again.
When her field of vision cleared, she slowly studied her surroundings.
She was lying on a vertically aligned piece of a floor or wall, as far as she could tell.
She was definitely in a ruin of some kind, but where?
The rubble and what was left of walls and floors looked like some sort of ferro-concrete.
Shepard tried to remember if she had ever seen a place on the citadel that had been built of this material, but it was a futile effort. With the size of the gigantic station, she doubted anybody had seen all of it.
She sighed in frustration and let her head slowly sink back.
The Spectre searched for an opening to the sky and after a while she found one and her suspicion proved correct.
This had to be earth.
"But how? How did I get here? And even more importantly why am I still alive?"
She remembered standing there, on the walkway, looking back at the child and its smug expression. Surrounded by the vastness of space, that was only obscured by a few metallic constructions and the three walkways with the gleaming machinery at each ones end.
The beautiful flowers of exploding ships and fighters illuminating the stars like fireworks at human holidays was a remarkable background to what was happening.
Never, never before had she felt this defeated, this powerless. She wasn't surprised as she felt the tears rolling down her burned, bruised cheeks. She didn't even feel pain in her heart, no, she just felt numb. Numb and deadly tired. Was it ever gonna end?
"The choices. Some choices those are."
Controlling the reapers?
Leaving her battered, beaten body behind didn't seem that bad, but to lead the reapers, to be in contact with minds like Sovereign and Harbinger for the rest of her existence?
"And what if I die? What's to keep them from returning?
How long will I be able to keep my mind sane and in control like that, with their filthy, cold, alien minds touching me everywhere, with no place for myself?"
Shepard shuttered in disgust. She might have chosen to endure it, if she could have been sure that the reapers would never return to the galaxy.
The marine turned back to the AI's representation again.
"What if… what If I die? Will the reapers return to attack organic life again? Can… can I even die in this form?"
No reply, he just stood there and watched her.
She repeated her questions, no reaction. It was as if some higher power had chosen that he couldn't give any more answers, that he couldn't explain anything more.
Shepard wished for anger, wished for the controlled fury over the injustice, the fury that had always made it possible to act before.
Something to enable her to fight, to let her think at last.
Thinking was so hard. To follow a line of thought, to concentrate, was like walking through chest high snow.
There was no reservoir of energy left, she felt hollow inside.
Like a scarecrow which had lost her filling.
She was done for, spend. She'd ridden herself so hard to reach her goal, making choices she had never thought possible in the past.
The horrors, the horrors she had seen. Sanctuary, Thessia, Palaven, Earth.
"And Liara is dead. Has to be dead. She was running by my side when… she was… she…"
A small, suppressed moan escaped her and for a moment she couldn't see anything anymore as the tears began to fall in earnest.
"My hime. Liara. Gone…"
She fell to her knees, somehow still keeping her grip on her pistol.
Before her inner eyes, her secret place appeared.
The house on some small colony planet, a green world either inhabited by humans or Asari.
A house.
A home for her family.
For the love of her life and their children.
The secret place grew dark, got caught in shadows and was swallowed by the darkness.
It was gone. Just like her life would soon be gone.
Shepard smiled. It was no happy smile. The pain was back and she couldn't find the reason why she had wanted to feel it again in the first place.
"No rest for the wicked, eh? That kind of life is for others, others who don't have that much blood on their hands."
Forcing herself to stand up, she turned to face the two remaining choices, to study them.
No, leading the reapers was no option. To continue living in any form was no option. Not anymore
With a mind that seemed to slowly crawl along, instead of sending impulses at the speed of light, she thought about the options that were left to her.
At first glance Synthesis seemed like the best choice. No one had to die, well except for her.
No more deaths on her conscience.
Then as if the fog lifted for a moment, her friends faces formed before her, each of them part of a greater whole, each of them unique.
Each of them with their own strengths and weaknesses, everyone a miniature cosmos of life and mind.
What would be left of what made each species special? What would happen to souls, spirits, minds that were changed in this way?
Would there even be individuals anymore, or would it be like a great hive mind, like the Geth had been before Legion's sacrifice?
How would anything like this be achieved? She couldn't even think of a theoretical way how her template could be used to change every being in the galaxy.
All the faces disappeared, with only two remaining, EDI and Legion. The AI and the Geth.
They would die if she chose to annihilate the reapers.
Millions of minds, of lives gone; snuffed out without a warning; Yet more deaths on her conscience.
Again she turned back to the Catalyst.
"I need to know more about Synthesis. You hear me?"
No reaction, she stumbled back towards it on unsteady feet.
"I can't make this decision, if I don't know what happens to them.
I can't… Hey you, I'm talking to you. Give me a sodding answer, you prick!"
The dead kid's face just stared back at her, with that smug expression on it.
"I'm so sick of you standing there smiling and not answering my questions. I'm so sick of you, of all off this and of myself. I,,,"
Without thinking Shepard's arm raised the gun and she started shooting.
Even as wounded and exhausted as she was, each shot hit true. Each one hit straight between the eyes.
What a pity, that you couldn't shoot a hologram.
For one moment the Spectre felt the urge to aim the gun at her own temple.
That would be the easy way out, but then the fleets would be overwhelmed by the reapers and everyone would die.
Be harvested! Harvested! That son of a bitch.
She definitely hated this ancient AI more than Sovereign, more than Harbinger. She hated him with a passion she didn't believe was possible.
Yet all of this hate proved to be as nothing, none of it mattered, because she'd lost the will to fight.
Again Shepard tried to fire herself up; again there was nothing left to re-kindle the flame inside. The moment when she'd shot at the kid was just that, a moment of senseless defiance.
If fighting wasn't an option, and it wasn't, not anymore, then she should better think things through to the best of her abilities. And fast, each minute meant further losses for the allied fleets.
Everything, everybody synthesizing into something new; the core of every living being changing, organic or synthetic, and using her being as a sort of matrix to accomplish that.
The marine didn't feel any different, since she was reborn or rebuilt by Cerberus.
Liara had told her that she was herself, but was her partner really an objective source?
Thinking of the Asari was like someone stabbing Shepard's heart.
For a moment she grew weak in the knees again.
"I have no way of knowing and I can't risk destroying everything that's unique, can't risk destroying individuality.We are what we are. We can strive to change ourselves, but forcing it on us is wrong.
I can't… I can't save one race, while risking all of them. I wouldn't do it for humanity; I can't do it for the Geth."
Somewhere deep within Shepard something screamed.
Screamed that this wasn't the way.
That there had to be another way, a better way to end this war.
"Sorry, I can't… I can't think straight. I can't fight anymore. I… I."
The voice was gone and was replaced by a strange calmness.
Her eyes closed. EDI and Legion were there.
EDI smiling, telling jokes, struggling with her feelings for Joker.
Finding her own priorities in life.
Finding a cause to fight outside what was programmed into her.
Even finding friendship and love.
Legion, with his pieces of Shepard's old armour, struggling to explain his reasons for using it.
Legion achieving sentient status as an individual.
His gift, his sacrifice for his people.
The Geth Primes surrounding Shepard's squad, after Legion had freed them. They had been sure they were facing certain death, only to find that the Primes wanted to help.
The hidden history of the morning wars, which had profoundly changed her perception of how the Geth as a species acted.
Shepard's eyes opened. Edi and Legion were gone.
A single tear rolled down the Spectre's face.
She made her first step towards the left walkway, toward the big generator like machine, looming at its end.
She raised the gun.
She started to fire, insecure at first, but then her body straightened itself.
With her head held high and without hesitation, the Spectre continued walking to her target, each shot hitting with deadly precision.
Faces flashed before her eyes again.
Joker, Anderson, Liara, Garrus, Tali. Liara. Liara.
As the explosion engulfed her, Rain Shepard whispered.
"Goodbye."
And then?
The Spectre remembered the heat of the explosion, raising her arms to shield her face. She remembered flying, falling.
Single moments, images, with no timeline, no coherence.
A bright white light. And then she was falling again, falling towards a shrouded darkness.
Then nothing.
Rain sighed. It was a sound devoid of all hope.
She remembered everything now, everything but how she had landed here back on earth. She still didn't know for certain where she was, but if the white light was the transport beam; it just might be possible it had transported her back to earth, back to London.
"I killed them. I killed them all. I killed the whole race, just after I had saved them. Millions of Geth platforms and ships.
And I killed my friend.
I killed EDI. I KILLED EDI."
Shepard made a choking sound.
The burden that had already been too big for one woman to carry had just been multiplied by killing her friend and exterminating a whole species.
There was a word for what she had done. Genocide.
No rationalization could ever free her from this guilt. It was too big.
If she still had her gun, she would have used it now, without needing another moment to think about it.
A few tears came, not many. There probably wasn't enough liquid left in Shepard to shed tears. But she cried tearless. Her body shaking and trembling, both from pain and from the sobs that violently jerked through her.
Then came the realization that not only Liara had to be dead, but that Garrus had to be as well, that it was possible that each and every one of her friends who had joined the fight on earth were dead.
If you considered how high the death rate for Operation Hammer had already been, chances were high, that really all of them were gone.
The crying turned into uncontrollable wailing. The spectre screamed her pain at the world as loud as her weakened body could manage.
Guttural, animalistic wails from a soul torn apart by loss and guilt.
When she finally was too weak, she slipped into unconsciousness.
Shepard had no idea what amount of time had passed, but it felt like she had cried an eternity and then slept equally long. In the dim twilight that was the sky above her there was no way to tell how far the day had been worn down.
Pain raked her body and it surprised the Spectre, because thinking of the wounds she had sustained, she had rather thought she would be too weak to still feel the pain.
"I should have bled to death a long time ago."
She thought, remembering how much blood she had been losing when Anderson died.
She turned her eyes to the stars above her.
"If anybody is up there, god, devil or ancient, merciless AI, if you can hear me, I'm begging you, let me die. Let me finally rest and find some peace.
There's nothing left of me. It's gone, used up. Everyone I cared for must be dead. I killed a whole race. I caused the death of friends, I even killed one myself. How much more do you need? How much more do I have to give, before it's finally over?"
Of course there was no answer. Shepard laughed; a short, barking sound.
"I've always got to do everything by myself."
She raised her upper body on her arms, as high as she could manage, which wasn't much and for the first time since waking up she tried to assess the state she was in.
Even though the Spectre seriously had no will to live left at this point, what she knew, after a short check, was enough to make her moan.
Both legs were a broken mess, definitely spall fractures and a lot of them, she could see larger and smaller pieces of white bone in more than one place. Parts of her remaining armour were burned into the skin of her legs, there were pieces of raw flesh hanging out, where the skin had broken, because of the burns.
Her arms were only slightly better off, her left shoulder was either broken or dislocated, but her right arm was still usable, even though it was also covered in burns and dark blood.
Several of her ribs were broken, but miraculously nothing seemed to have hurt her lungs. She couldn't find out, what was wrong with her right eye, apart from being swollen almost shut and being covered in dried blood from cuts on her brow and head. There had to be several burns on her face, considering how tight and stretched the skin felt, but without a mirror she couldn't really tell how bad it was. It felt really bad.
To her surprise, the wound in her left side almost didn't bleed anymore. Even probing with one finger, produced only pain, but not more blood.
"Damn. At least bleeding out, would take care of the pain at some point."
She really didn't want to die from thirst, but apart from crawling to a wall and trying to bash her head in, she didn't have many options
No weapon and no Omni-tool, which meant no Omni Blade as well.
"I wish that stupid dream was true. Even if it were just those three, I wish they had survived.
If at least Liara had survived, then I would have something.
I wish I just died from the explosion, but that would probably be too easy."
She raised her usable eye to the stars again.
"Right, you old bastard?"
Part of her was disgusted by how defeated she was, to simply want to die, but the same part was also disgusted that she had gone through with what the Catalyst had offered her, instead of fighting for another solution.
The terrible thing was that now that her mind wasn't as fogged over from being tired and exhausted, she actually had at least some ideas what she could have done.
And she rattled her brain, how she could not even have thought of them?
She could have tried to convince the Catalyst to take his Reapers away, of course it didn't have a big chance of success, but that had become order of business for her.
"I've united every species in Citadel space without force, I could have at least tried to make the AI see that its conclusion and motivation was faulty."
The other option would have had bigger chances of success, if she'd found a working Omni tool, but she could at least have tried to change the destructive impulse so that it only affected reapers and their tech and not derivative tech like those used in EDI, the Geth and herself,
How could you even produce an energy impulse that affected everything Reaper connected, but left the rest of the tech intact?
How could there be an impulse that destroyed the relays, but not the Mass Effect weapons?
"And she herself had shown that blowing up a mass effect relay led to an explosion of a magnitude to threaten life in whole sun systems.
"Science Magic."
She thought again.
"That's what it is, pure science magic."
There was a theory that technology that surpassed the one you knew by far, would appear just like magic, because you didn't understand the laws governing it.
It was called Clarke's Law, because a famous Science-Fiction writer of that name came up with it, in the twentieth century
Yet it was still tech and the laws had to be there, even without grasping them, she could have searched for a way to use them to solve the problem.
"What if I had searched for a way to contact the fleet again and told Hackett to give the order to the Geth and EDI to go offline? Even if the Impulse changed something in them, with their processors and memories inert, it might not have affected them or we could have searched for a way to fix it before we activated them again."
All those possibilities; true, the chances of success might not have been very good, but it certainly was better than just killing them all.
Thinking about that of course led to Shepard condemning herself even more and for a while she accepted the pain she still felt, as part of a punishment she deserved.
"I fought… for so many years I fought. Even on Akuze after my whole squad was gone, I fought.
When the council didn't believe my warning about Sovereign, I fought. I fought until I died and when I returned I fought again. And then… and then when everyone counted on me to fight for just one more time… I gave up."
Her thoughts led to nothing, but lying here, there really wasn't anything else to do. Since she was no masochist, the desire to accept the pain passed after some time. So Shepard welcomed it, when sleep, finally overwhelmed her and granted a brief respite for her tortured mind and broken body.
X
Night had gone and come and gone again and Shepard was quite sure that her ordeal would soon be over.
She caught herself drifting away into sleep or unconsciousness all the time.
She had fever dreams which made her previous nightmares seem harmless.
In them, she was still hunting the kid through a dark, cold forest, but the kid was the catalyst now and definitely malicious. Shepard had to catch him, before he reached his goal, but whenever she came near him, he vanished and reappeared far away from her.
She had no weapons to stop him and time was running out.
Instead of shapeless black wraith, the spectators had turned into her dead friends. Dead friends who also wore their grizzly wounds or were half turned into reaper creatures.
None of them spoke; they just looked at her with sad eyes and one question on all their faces.
Why did you fail us?
She had known that those dark shadows were her dead, that they were voices she had known, which were gone now. Now she even had to see it.
Kaidan, Mordin, Thane, Kelly Chambers, Legion and Anderson were always there, the others changed.
Legion held two handfuls of little metallic dolls to its chest, which included all mobile Geth platforms and EDI.
Unexplainable terror filled Shepard whenever her eyes fell on them and the way Legion silently presented them to her, as if he was trying to hand them into her care.
For some reason Liara never was part of the dreams and for that the Spectre was thankful.
To see the livid, blue orbs of her love filled with the same accusation the others showed... would have been torture of the worst kind.
When her condition deteriorated further, due to the fever and the weakness, she didn't feel the pain as strong anymore.
Losing the ability to form coherent thoughts made it harder to mull over her failures.
All in all the way to death was progressing quite pleasantly, if you discounted the dreams.
Sometimes when Shepard had a clearer moment, she realized what was happening with her, but even then she lacked the energy and motivation, to do anything to save herself.
When day slowly turned into night again, there almost were no clear moments anymore.
The Spectre spent her time dreaming about meeting Liara again in the next world and reminisced about moments together with her lover.
X
Shepard was feeling a bit restless. She was lying on her bed in the Captain's quarters of the Normandy SR I.
The tall, blonde woman was wearing shorts and a N7 undershirt, showing a bit of light-brown skin on her toned stomach. Her smooth tresses were in a bit of a disorder, as if someone had repeatedly ruffled through them.
With a sigh the Marine turned ship captain sat herself up, shifted around to bring her legs out of the covers and the bed and let her feet sink down to the floor to stand up.
Scratching her belly, while yawning excessively, she walked to her desk and sat down before it.
She really should sleep. With everything that had happened so far, with the upcoming mission on Virmire, she had better things to do than worry about one person out of all the lives she felt responsible for.
Yet she worried about Liara T'Soni anyway.
Shepard wasn't inclined to lie to herself, her concern was definitely partly caused because of the feelings she was developing for the young Asari scientist.
That was part of the reason, but apart from that, she worried because she was Liara's commander and the maiden had suffered so much ever since her mother died and even before, that any good commander would have felt concerned.
First she had spent days imprisoned on Therum in that Prothean force field, then she had to adjust to life on a human ship, including the resentments of some of its crew and the violent missions she became part of.
Thankfully both Pressly and Ash seemed to slowly come around from their xenophobia and Shepard hadn't heard from anyone else reacting negatively to the Aliens on board.
But then Liara had lost her mother, estranged as they might have been and the sessions with Shepard to make sense of the Prothean visions seemed to impact her more than the Spectre.
For a short moment the Spectre thought about fixing herself a cup of tea or a hot cocoa, to help her sleep, but then decided it wouldn't work, the concern for the Asari scientist was too great.
Standing up again, she wandered to her closet and selected one of her track suits, quickly slipping into the pants and jacket, leaving the latter open.
Next she walked over to her little basin, splashed some water into her face and studied her face in the mirror.
A narrow almost gaunt face, her Japanese heritage showing mostly in and around her eyes and in her slightly darker skin tone. Full lips around a relatively small mouth, her normally decent make-up already removed, before she had hit the sack.
Halfway okay with how she looked, removing the worst of her bed-head by carefully combing her fingers through her hair, the Spectre righted herself, looked on the ground for her sneakers, left there after her latest sparring season with Ash, slipped into them without bothering with the laces and left the captain's cabin.
Most crew-members would be surprised to see their normally very prim and proper commanding officer dressed so casually, but given that it was the night shift chances were good, she wouldn't even meet any crew.
Shepard quickly reached the mess and opened the cupboard were her private stash of Japanese tea leaves was stored.
Heating, not boiling water, pulverising the tea in her small mortar, adding it to a cup. It wasn't a complete tea ceremony, but it was fast and the results were good enough.
She took the two steaming cups of tea, adding two sugar cubes and a bit of milk to the one intended for Dr. T'Soni and continued to the other side of the ship and Dr. Chakwas' domain. She moved quickly through the room, quiet enough not to disturb the medic and, after announcing herself via intercom, entered the drab laboratory that had become a temporary home for the young and stunningly attractive Asari Scientist.
Dr. T'Soni was still sitting in front of her monitor, studying data about Prothean digs and what seemed to be articles about humanity's culture. When Shepard entered she turned around and gave the commander a small and weary smile, that grew a bit, when she noticed the cups in the commander's hands.
"Commander Shepard? For me?"
She asked, nodding at the cup in the commander's left hand which she had extended towards the Asari.
The Spectre nodded with a smile and the Maiden took the warm cup from her, moving it to her nose and inhaling the rich fragrance of the premium tea leaves.
She took a small sip and the smile grew broader still.
"Mmh. You remembered exactly how much milk and sugar I like. Thank you Commander."
Shepard raised an eyebrow in a slightly sardonic gesture.
"So I did, Dr. T'Soni, even though my grandma would probably turn in her grave and curse me, over adding milk AND sugar to her favourite green tea."
Liara laughed and Shepard felt a small, warm throb somewhere in her chest area.
"Well, then I'm doubly thankful, that you are willing to defy the spirits of your ancestors just for me."
"Gladly and always."
The reply came fast and when they realized it, both women blushed a little.
After that a pleasant silence settled over the two of them.
Shepard looked at the Asari for approval, before sitting herself on the scientists small cot.
After while in amicable quietness, while they sipped their tea, Liara addressed the first Human Spectre again.
"To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit, Commander er.. Shepard?"
"Oh nothing special I was..."
The commander paused for a moment
"I'm a bit worried about you, Lia... Dr. T'Soni. You assured me you were fine, but... you had a lot to take in, on a ship full of strangers, some of them slightly hostile towards aliens. You've been in horrible fights, your mother... "
She stopped catching Liara's eyes with hers, catching the sadness and the wet shimmer in those azure orbs.
"You lost your mother and even though she was herself in the end... It can't be easy to lose her like this."
The young Asari looked away, then gathered the strength to meet the commander's eyes again.
"No, I... "
She paused, drew a shaky breath, before continuing.
"Yes, it hurts... all of this... it can be a bit overwhelming... It's... It's not easy, but I find that when I concentrate on our mission and my work, that helps a lot."
After a moment, she added.
"You might not realize it, but your support and the way you trust me and depend on me helps a lot... and you can call me Liara, if you want it doesn't bother... no, I would like that actually."
She blushed and Shepard again felt that warm tingle.
"Well, Dr. T'So.. Liara, I'm really glad if I can help you in any way. If you need anything, someone to listen to, if you have questions, I'm there for you. I mean the mission has absolute priority but you come directly after that."
The words were out before the Spectre realized what she had just said. This time she couldn't help blushing and looking at the young Asari, she found that she did as well.
Clearing her throat, Shepard stood up and took a step toward the door.
"Ahem. well. Lia...err Dr. T'Soni, I think I should let you finish for today, you should get some sleep."
Liara also stood up from her chair and moved closer to the commander, as if to see her off and both became suddenly aware of this closeness.
Slowly Shepard's hand reached out as if on instinct and gently cupped the Asari's right cheek. She could feel the warm structure of her skin under her fingers, soft, but with more texture than a human. Alien, but so incredibly attractive. As if of itself her thumb gently stroked Liara's cheek. The young Asari pressed her face into the Spectre's hand and sighed warmly.
"Liara, I will be there for you. Always. You are not alone... I... care for you, more than I would have thought possible a few weeks ago."
The Asari's hand came to rest over Shepard, reaffirming the connection.
"I.. I know. Th-thank you, Shepard."
She whispered and her eyes shimmered moistly.
Both upper bodies slowly moved closer to each other, until Shepard could feel Liara's sweet breath on her face. They stared into each other's eyes, moved closer again.
Then Shepard turned away, coughed again. It wouldn't be fair. Liara was alone, hurt. It would feel as if she was exploiting her and while she realized she wanted nothing more than to hold her, kiss her, now wasn't the time.
She sighed a bit forlorn. The next moment she felt Liara's soft body against hers as the Asari clung to her in an almost desperate embrace, while sobs began to rock her. The Spectre returned the embrace, gently. As a caring friend for now, nothing more.
They stood their until Liara's tears dried, then Shepard said goodbye again, insisting that the Maiden hit her cot soon to rest for the next day.
While passing through the mess to return to her cabin, Shepard couldn't help but smile and bask in the warm glow that seemed to emanate from her heart.
She was falling for the young Asari, falling hard and despite everything she was happy for it.
Author's rambling:
Okay, this is not going to be a dark fic, I'm trying to give the ending a more positive twist, but still stay in canon, or as close as possible.
I think to explain the Normandy's escape as a dream is the only way this scene makes any sense at all.
Anyway, there are going to be greener pastures, it's just going to take a while to reach them.
There will probably be two more chapters of similar size. If I continue writing in this speed, I might be finished tomorrow evening and then post the second chapter, with the third following sometime on Monday.
One last thing, I really don't get enough reviews. I know a lot of people read my stories, but I get almost no reviews. That pisses me off and it takes away my motivation, when I see how many reviews writers get that really are below my skill.
I may be no new Thomas Mann, but I can churn out some decent fan fics.
So please if you read this story and enjoy it, or have something you really feel fell short, write a short review, let me know and keep my motivation up. It's great to see people add me and my stories to favourites or alert, but it is even better to actually read what you liked or didn't like so much.
I had ideas for at least two more Mass Effect stories and many more Dragon Age stories, but apart from personal developments, the lack of reviews and positive affirmation was one of the main reasons none of them were actually finished.
