Donkey Kong: Public Health Announcement
(Note: I took this down and edited it a little bit, because frankly I just thought it sucked. I'm kinda hard on myself about my own writing, especially some of the older pieces. This was originally in a set of one-shots that were all together as a collection, but I took that down and decided to edit them before posting them separately. For this, I was kinda going for the character talking into a camera, like a TV commercial or something. Anything that has been previously copyrighted is not mine.)
"Hello, everybody!" Donkey Kong, everyone's favorite simian Smasher, was staring out into space, talking into thin air. "I'm here today to talk to everyone about overeating and good health."
Marth was walking towards the F-Zero Racing Track to train with Roy. (He wasn't very good at fighting on moving levels.) As he walked by, he saw DK just standing there, talking to no one. Marth was puzzled at this behavior, so he decided to stand and watch in the hope that he could figure out what was going on.
"Overeating is not exactly the best idea in the world," said DK, ignoring Marth. "Too much sugar can make you fat. It also rots your teeth. So here's a tip for ya: instead of having potato chips or something, have an apple or a banana. I love bananas. Bananas are good. Also, they're very high in potassium."
Samus walked in just then to see Marth staring at DK with a confused expression as DK kept talking. "Who's he talking to?" whispered Samus to Marth.
"I…I don't know," admitted Marth. Samus quirked an eyebrow and continued to watch the monkey.
"Most of us Smashers are fit and healthy because we eat a healthy balanced diet and get lots of exercise," continued DK. "Take me for example." He began flexing his muscles, showing off the way a body builder does. "I eat lots of fruits and berries, which has lots of nutrients to help you grow big and strong." He did a Hercules pose. "I also get a lot of exercise. I mean, how else do you think I was able to kidnap Jumpman's girlfriend Pauline in the original Donkey Kong game?"
By now, a decent crowd of Smashers had gathered around: Marth, Samus, Ness, Peach, Zelda/Sheik, Mario, Luigi, Game&Watch, and Bowser.
"Marth, where have you been?!" Roy walked in, followed by Dr. Mario. "I got hit by three F-Zero cars waiting for you to show up! Where have you – "
Game&Watch held up his frying pan to shush Roy, then pointed over to DK. Dr. Mario blinked. "Who is he talking to?" the doctor asked the 2-D figure. G&W beeped in Morse code: I don't know.
By now, every Smasher in the mansion – including the two Hands – had come to stare at DK as he kept up his soliloquy. The big ape ignored them all. "Unfortunately, some people don't get enough healthy habits to utilize. Take Bowser for example." DK pointed to the dragon/turtle monster. "I wonder how he can fit into that shell of his. He doesn't get enough exercise, and he pigs out on pork and baked beans. You do NOT want to end up like him."
Bowser wasn't too thrilled at this remark. "Why I oughtta – " Captain Falcon and Ganondorf held him down so they could see what the simian Smasher would do next.
DK came to the end of his speech with a bang. "So, to quote Cartoon Network – which Nintendo is not affiliated with in any way – get up and play an hour a day. And remember – Stay Healthy!" The ape smiled and lumbered off to the Kongo Jungle. Bowser ran after him, yelling "I'll show you unhealthy! You won't be feeling so healthy when I mash you like a banana!"
Roy blinked. "Wait a minute...who taught him how to speak English?"
Peach shrugged. "Probably Empress Caroline. You know how twisted she can be."
On the other side of the fourth wall, a teenage girl sat at her computer with a contented smile on her face.
