Title: Need

Author: Ally Palonatio

Email: ally@antlercreeklodge.com

Disclaimer: Not mine. Not mine, although the story idea is. (

Archive Rights: DDFH, Agony and Ecstasy, and FanFiction.net

Rating: R - deals with Suicide

Series: Need Part One of Two

Summary: Rogue needs Logan.

Feedback: Please (

Pairings: L/R

Warnings: Deals with Suicide

Author's Notes: Okay, so this isn't exactly what Kristine wanted but this is what came out when I sat down to write lol. Okay, now onto the fic so I can go catch up on my fic reading and reviewing.



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Logan,

Sometimes I just like to leave for a while. I don't know if it's just the you in me, or if it's a part of me. I like think it's more of a combination of both, because I used to in Mississippi and I never felt the urge to run stronger then when I got you in my head. When it got there I'd run on my rollerblades for a few hours. Just skating up and down the streets of my hometown until I felt a little bit better. And when I got home they'd still be screaming. It never ended. So I started to escape to friends' houses on the weekends. My parents never really cared. I think I could have left for a week and they wouldn't notice that I had been gone until I got back.

But here at the mansion it's different. I have roommates who always want to know where I'm going and where I've been. The first time I thought I couldn't handle things at the Mansion was right after you left. I was so confused about my feelings for you, my feelings about the situation in general, and just confusion with all of the people in my head which I hadn't quite gotten used to yet. I ran then, rollerblading to Salem Center Mall and back. It took me about three hours going at a decent pace. When I got back it wasn't better like it had once been. It was worse. I felt trapped. Like the Mansion was my prison not my home. I figured that if I went after you and found you I might not feel so trapped. So one night I packed my bag and left on my blades. I didn't even get out the gate. I heard the professor in my head asking me what I was doing. I explained it to him even though he already new why. He offered to contact you and ask you to call here so I could here his voice. I wasn't sure if it would help or not so I said fine.

The next morning the Professor contacted you and we spoke. It was great; we talked about all sorts of things. From what you were doing to where you were headed and where you had already gone by. We talked until your phone almost ran out of minutes. When we got off I felt homesick. Like you were my home and I just wanted you back so bad that I felt like I was turning inside out with repressed tears. Then you started to call on and off for about four months. After every single call it got worse. I almost asked you not to call anymore. But I needed it as much as I hated it. I needed to hear your voice. But I hated how I felt afterwards.

That was when I felt I couldn't handle it anymore. I was at the end of my rope. You told me that you couldn't call for a while because you wouldn't be in a zone where your phone didn't have service. I said okay and told you to call as soon as you could. But I couldn't wait that long. You haven't called for about two months. And I couldn't stand not hearing your voice anymore. I needed it like you need to find your past. It was a higher priority then air, food, and water. I lived for those times when we had talked. Even when you'd accidentally call in the middle of the night and start apologizing as soon as you heard my sleep filled voice.

After the first month I started cutting myself. The pain was addicting. It was soothing it helped me forget. Soon it wasn't just simple scratches with my razor. Soon it was vertical deep cuts down my arm. One day I just felt like there was rock bottom, twenty miles of crap, and then me. So, I figured I'd end it. And that's where we are today. I didn't write this to make you feel bad, or as a way to get revenge. You had no idea what it was doing to me. I just wanted you to know. I figured I owed you an explanation. I'm sorry for not being strong enough for you sugar. Oh, and the you in my head wants you to know that it doesn't hurt to die. He said that you always wondered.

And Since I won't be able to ever tell you in person: I love you, Logan.

Only you.

Marie