Happy Senru Day 2012!
This fic is based on one of my favourite BL mangas, "Seinen Wa Ai O Kou". Some of the key lines are taken from there, along with the general premise, but the story is my own retelling.
Ugly
Part 1/3
When I was fifteen, I tried wearing make up for the first time. It was a hot July afternoon, and my parents had gone out for the day. I was full of excited nerves when I crept into their room and sat at my mother's dressing table.
There were bottles of liquid, sponges, powers, brushes and perfumes. They all had a pleasant, lightly scented smell, like talc, and they all seemed to hold such promise. Such reassurance. Try it, they seemed to say, we will make you beautiful. I imitated what I had seen on TV commercials, what I had watched my mother do.
I was heavy handed. Unsteady. Clueless. Naturally I didn't know how to put make up on - I was a fifteen year old boy. The July heat made the blotchy liquids run together with my sweat until it appeared that my entire face were melting. Horrified, I let the powders and liquids tumble off the table edge, rolling across the floor in all directions and I sat and stared at myself, confronted by my own ugliness, unable to look away. My tears smudged it more.
Hideous. I am... hideous.
I don't want to be a woman...
"Sen~doh~kun~!" her voice rings out like a song in the quiet of the university library. I glance up from the magazine to watch her approach. I have to, like my eyes are drawn by strings. Who wouldn't have to? Every head in the library looks up to watch her pass. As if it were the natural order of things.
She is stunning. Even in simple jeans and a sweater, she is stunning. She balances a thick textbook on her hip, emphasising the lines of her shape. Feminine and perfect.
She heads straight towards the table, and sets her bag down on the chair opposite me, tucking her long hair behind her ears, and smiling radiantly. "Can you help me?" she asks unashamedly, "With the maths from yesterday? I don't understand it at all."
Beside me, Sendoh smiles back at her.
"Sure..." he replies, gesturing to the empty seat across from him. She immediately sets the book on the table, flicking swiftly to the page in question. "Here," she explains. "This bit."
I draw the magazine we had been reading together back across to my side of the desk and stare down at it blankly. The words and pictures reporting on the annual university basketball league results don't seem to have any meaning any more. I run my eye over the letters and numbers, but none of them sink in.
"Are those new earrings?" he asks.
"Oh! You noticed?" She straightens up, obviously pleased, pushing her hair back again to reveal delicate silver butterflies, dancing bright against the smooth silk of her hair. "I got them at the weekend. The design is nice, right?"
I close the magazine and get up to leave. Immediately Sendoh's hand reaches out to take gentle hold of my wrist, holding me back.
"Kaede," he says, looking up at me, "do you have to go?"
"Yeah" I mutter, shaking off his grip and fumbling to stuff the magazine back into my bag, "some stuff to do."
The girl looks up at me from her seat at the table warmly. "Rukawa-kun" she addresses me with a pleasant smile, "I saw you at the game last week. I'm sure you get taller every time I see you." She tilts her head in a cute gesture, "Good luck in the next game."
I look at her. The slight shimmer of her lips, the delicate slant of her eyes, the way her eyelashes frame such a pretty stare. She is nothing but friendliness and beauty.
Girls are... amazing. How they look. How they act. How easy it is for them to capture people's hearts. It is because they know. Because they know how much men adore them.
I can't win against them...
"Kaede!" he slaunters up to the table with a grin. Behind him, Koshino and Hikoichi trail along as usual, carrying trays of food purchased from the canteen. "Eating by yourself again? It's not good for your health, you know."
"Idiot."
He seats himself next to me and pulls his lunch of fried rice out of his bag. I ignore him and continue to eat. Koshino and Hikoichi sit down opposite us and immediately descend into their usual brand of monotonous chatter.
"We have a good chance at making the top three this year!" Hikoichi expounds, his mouth full of fries. "If Rukawa-san continues to play like this, we might even beat Tokyo-U!"
"Of course we'll beat them!" Sendoh declares happily. "We would have beaten them last year, if I hadn't been injured..."
"I don't know about that..." Koshino mutters darkly. "Last year was easily your worst season. Ever."
"Maa..." Sendoh pouts, feigning a look of dejection, "...well that was only because I was so sad at not being able to play with Kaede. He is the only one who brings out my true genius, you know?"
Before I can prepare myself, he throws a casual arm around my shoulder and drags me fully against him. I freeze. He scent wafts over me, filling me, his body is warm and firm where my cheek presses against his shirt and his chest, his arms, so powerful, engulf me in his embrace. This same old friendly gesture that means nothing at all.
I want... to be pinned down... by these arms.
I can't remember exactly when it was that I first dreamt about him. When it first occurred to me to imagine what it would be like to kiss him, to have him hold me, to lie back and let him love me and have me and take all of me. But once those thoughts had made their way into my head, it was impossible to let them go again.
Even then, on that day, after I make my way back to my dorm room, blast myself under the shower and crawl under the covers, he is still there, teasing me in my thoughts. My hands wander over my own body, trying to imagine that they were his hands, that he is really there, keeping me warm, touching me, telling me that he loves me, wants me. I imagine it all, so real and so vivid, until I orgasm into my own hands with his name on my lips, then sit there shivering, knowing full well just how pathetic I am.
Ever since the beginning, I've been good at hiding it. This twisted side of myself. So he doesn't know what I really am. But it remains my biggest fear that one day he would find out. And then he, my best friend - my only friend - would be gone.
I am ugly. And I am well aware of that.
I drag my feet as I cross the campus towards the sports centre. It feels weird, to be going their without my usual bag, and in my normal clothes instead of our team tracksuit. But its all because training has been canceled today in favour of a meeting I wouldn't normally attend except that the captain made it mandatory.
Chairs have been set out on the court, and many of them are already occupied by members of the men's and women's basketball teams. Sendoh, I notice, is sitting near the front with Koshino and Hikoichi. He catches my eye as I enter, and attempts to wave me over, but I shake my head slightly and take for myself a quiet place at the back.
The two captains, Musuyama of the men's team, and Hikiri-san of the women's, stand at the front to address us.
"As many of you already know," Musuyama begins, "The university's annual charity week is coming in May. As usual, the men's and women's teams are going to work together to organise our fund raising event."
As this is my first year at the uni, I settle down in my chair, wondering if I can get away with a quick nap. I have no intention of joining in the discussion. It has nothing to do with me, whatever they decide to do. I can feel my eyelids growing heavy already.
"We will of course be doing our usual ten-shot challenge," Musuyama tells us, rather undemocratically. "We will take three of our free-standing baskets out into the field. For one hundred yen, competitors get ten balls. If they can make five baskets, they receive a small prize."
"If they get more than seven baskets" the woman's captain adds, "draft them into the team."
A ripple of laughter runs through the room. Everyone seems pretty enthusiastic about the whole thing.
"We need to decide what we can use as prizes" Musuyama continues.
"What about an I-beat-the-basketball-team badge?" someone suggests.
"What about a kiss from Sendoh-san?" someone else shouts out, at which the laughter escalates again. Someone wolf whistles. I try to pretend I am immune to it all.
I look towards Sendoh and see him look around, smiling good-naturedly at the joke. Only the way he scratches sheepishly at his head tells me he is embarrassed.
"All right, all right, settle down" Musuyama admonishes after a moment, calling the meeting back to order again. He looks down at the paper in his hands. "The next thing on the agenda is this: we need to decide who to send to the art faculty's cross-dressing competition. One boy and one girl."
There is a short silence, in which many people exchange looks.
"Ah!" I look forward and see that it is Sendoh who has spoken, rising slightly from his chair. "For the cross-dressing competition... maybe we can have Rukawa participate?"
Huh?
"That's a great idea!" Hikoichi pipes up, nodding.
A dozen other voices speak up to confirm. "Things are sure to heat up with Rukawa participating!"
"I want to see Rukawa dressed like a girl!" one of the girls coos.
"It would definitely suit him, don't you think?"
What? Wait-
"Well" Musuyama replies, "I guess that's decided. Now we just need a girl to..."
"No!"
It echoes in the hall like a gunshot. They all turn and look at me.
It didn't sound like my voice at all. Made higher, sharper, by my panic. I realise I've stood up so fast that my chair has fallen back with a crash. The memory of my shame, my ugliness, rises in fury across my cheeks. I'd die. I'd rather die.
"I'm not doing it."
They all look at me. I stand and endure their stares, feeling suddenly hot, like warmth is creeping up from my collar to warm my face. I can only stand there while they stare. I don't know what to do.
Was it weird, I wonder, for me to react so strongly?
Yes. Of course it was weird.
Obviously concerned by my distress, Sendoh rises from his seat and hurries over to me while chatter breaks out in the hall. All of it, doubtless, related to me.
"But Kaede..." Sendoh says, laying a hand on my arm, "...you'll look really good, I'm sure."
There's no way. No way I'll look good.
"Yeah, Rukawa-kun, you would be great," some nearby girls decide to offer their unnecessary comments. "We'll do your make up for you."
I'm not like the girls...
"Blue" the girls decide, without any consultation at all. "Blue will bring out your eyes."
...I am ugly. More so than anyone else.
"But eye shadow ought to be dark. Heavier lines will make him look more seductive..."
I shake my head, beginning to feel quite ill, but it's as if my opinion is entirely invalid, the way they carry on. Only Sendoh is watching me with any sort of concern, and that in itself, is just as embarrassing.
Musuyama's voice booms out from the front, a ripple of accusation running through his words which I cannot fail to notice. "It's for the team effort, you know."
I try to glare but I've lost all fire. My voice is gone. I cannot allow it, but I can't see how to stop it. All eyes are back on me.
"Its for charity" they inform me, "you've got to", "for the team," "don't worry about it," "it will be fun!"
They don't know. They don't know. None of them. What I really am.
I grip the back of the chair in front of me and try to hold back the waves of nausea. The world feels like its tipping. If only they would stop staring at me like that. If only I...
"I'll do it then."
There passes a long and quiet moment before I crack my eyes open and look sideways at Sendoh, who has his hand in the air and a small glance and a reassuring smile just for me. I stare at him, amazed.
Musuyama wrinkles his nose. "Er... better not, Sendoh."
"You've got a nice face but, a bit too... rugged... aren't you?"
"Definitely not."
"It would look like a joke."
"How about Hikoichi then?"
"Whaaaat? Impossibulya!"
The conversation shifts quickly to other candidates, and Sendoh moves closer to speak in my ear privately.
"I'm sorry" he says, catching my eye with a sincere look, "I didn't mean to embarrass you. I really thought you'd be the prettiest one, that's all. Sorry... Kaede."
I shrug it off. It is much easier to be calmer when the pressure is lifted. "It's fine. Thank you for helping me."
His smile. His smile is like sunshine.
Hidden, for another day.
By the end of the week, I am not in the best frame of mind. A rota dictates which team members are in charge of manning our ten-shot challenge stall at any one time. I've spent the week partnered with one of our aspirational but untalented and unfit freshers who does nothing but wear his team jersey for bragging rights, hero worship and recite my own stats to me, as if I kept an equally careful record, or even cared at all.
"I noticed" he points out on the fifth day, "that in the match against Sapporo Polytech, you received 59 passes from Sendoh-san, but in the last match with Osaka, he gave you 98. Why do you think that is?"
Not sure I can stand much more, I turn around and begin making sure all the names on the leader-board are perfectly aligned, ignoring him.
Beyond the foam boards of our makeshift stand I can see Sendoh picking his way through the other sporting events, a girl on his arm who is gushing and expounding with every single success. Sendoh, it appears, is a natural in most sports.
I grind my teeth slightly. At how she smiles, and presses against his arm with her perfectly pert beasts, fluttering her lashes and giggling helplessly. Shameless, shameless flirting.
How can she do it? So blatantly? So casually? Without shame or shyness or pride she can set her feelings on display for anyone to see. And nobody minds. Nobody thinks she is bad, or weird, or a freak. That she is free to do what I can't... grinds on me. Stuck here, doomed only to watch them flirt with him, never to take my turn or try my chances. It hurts. It just hurts too much.
It is during the clean up process that she manages to corner me. I recognise her from somewhere. One of my seminars, it turns out, when she introduces herself.
"Rukawa-kun I... I've liked you for a long time and I'd... really like to get to know you better. I've got tickets for... and I was wondering if..."
I look over her head towards where the rest of the team are packing things away. They look like they are having fun.
She is waiting for an answer. Looking at me with those big, expectant eyes. She reminds me of the girl who followed Sendoh around earlier. She reminds me of the girl he helped with her maths homework, of the last girl he dated, of all the girls he has known. And quite suddenly I find that I hate her. I hate her and her brazen confession. What gives her the right, the sanction, to do such a thing? Just because. Just because she is a girl. It makes me feel so angry. And all my frustration seems to surface at once.
"I hate girls."
"Pardon?"
"I hate girls!" I repeat, louder, clearer, more angry, with her, with myself, with Sendoh, with everything. I hate girls.
She looks as if I have slapped her. As if her eyes are about to fill with righteous tears. I don't intend to wait and see. I simply turn on my heel and storm off across the grass of the sports field. I can hear calls behind me from the teammates who must have seen the whole thing from afar. But I don't look back. I am furious. I hate it all. I hate myself most of all.
It is... a hopeless, hopeless thing.
I don't want to be a woman...
...I just want to be loved by a man.
I've almost reached the edge of campus when he catches up to me and grabs my arm.
"Kaede!"
I spin around before I am even aware there are tears in my eyes. For a moment he hesitates. He. His warmth, his heartbeat, so close to me. How desperate I am for him to just drag me into his arms. Let me feel what it is to be embraced by him. Just an instant, and then the moment vanishes and his arm is around my shoulders. That useless friendly gesture once again.
"Kaede. Is something bothering you?"
I shake my head.
"You can tell me" he tries to reassure softly. "We are friends, aren't we?"
How much I wish I could tell him. How I wish I could shout it.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
But I don't say it. I gently extract myself from his grasp.
"It's nothing I... just felt a little unwell. I'm going to head back to my room. Sorry for not helping with the tidying."
"Do you want me to come with you?"
"No," I take a step away. "I'm fine."
I walk over the grass without looking back. My heart in my mouth. Ugly. Like there's a hole inside me.
~tbc
ANs: Hopefully won't take me too long to bash out the next two parts to this. For those waiting patiently on Thine Own, it is nearly done, I'm just waiting for it to settle in my head before I can do a final edit, thanks for your patience!
Starry x
