The hallway seems longer now, darker.
My footsteps creak on my old wood floors. I walk it back and forth not sure which room to sit in. I always end up at my desk.
I type some, then take it away. I type some them take it away.
I go out on my porch to pet Blue. The stars seems farther away now.
I wish I could make this stir of echoes change into the sound of laughter.
I wish I could come home and have someone waiting just for me. Someone who would muffle this drone and add life to it. I want someone to take walks with me, take me to a movie, or better rent a movie and snuggle with me on the couch or take me out to dinner every once in a while, take me dancing...I like to dance. It has been so long since I got dressed up, got taken out. It is hard to recall how it is done. I used to like to get dressed up, somehow it made me feel good about myself that someone wanted to show me off, to spoil me a bit. But I only ended up stuck at home. The outfits just sag on the hangers and the shoes collect dust.
I want someone who is my best friend and my lover. I want someone who would go anywhere with me, do anything. Go to Italy with me in a second, or just carry me to bed at night.
I would like to say that I want what anyone does but that would not be true. Some people do not want another. I am not like that. I do want one day to find someone who will truly love me.
I wonder if there is some kind of leaning curve, some kind of grading system on who deserves love. Is it kept score so that when you fail you lose your chances of ever having it again .
Is love something that finds you or do we find it. Is there such thing as fate and destiny? Can it be right in front of us or is that just someone wanting a distraction?
Lots of people love another person, they just are not IN LOVE with them anymore. It's sad when that happens, the spark dies, the hopes you held onto never came true, the ideal that things can't get worse, they can only get better...
Some hold on to relationships like they do clothes, shoes, they cannot say I never take that out, I never think of it, I never try it on...But they know somewhere in the back of the closet it is there just in case. I do not want piles of things in my life that are not necessary, things that just sit.
I thought once that I owed people too many years for the longer you are with someone it is as if they have earned rights to extinguish yours. I always put myself second with things, I always hoped that by doing that it would show how much I cared but all it did was make me weak. It took what strength I once had day by day...I became more what they wanted me to be, and let my dreams go like a balloon into the sky.
I lost myself ..bits and bits of me along the way. It was hard to try to remember myself once it was finally over...I had become my own shadow...
But now I am turning the lights back on and getting out my canvas and typing away my hopes for perhaps one day my words from my heart shall find their way to someone. Perhaps somewhere out there someone is thinking just like me.
Perhaps they too are sitting listening to a stir of echoes.
