Disclaimer: I do not own FF7 or any concepts or ideas contained within it. All I own is this little fic (among others) and maybe some original characters (they have bad names, but endless possibilities :p).

Caution: Before reading this fic, ask yourself this, "Am I allergic to high levels of insanity, major OOC-ness, random character bashing for humor, original characters, crossover characters, Yaoi/Yuri(humorous, not serious), mild language, or humor?" If you answer yes to several of those, turn back now. I might have those things in this fic eventually, so if you don't like them might as well leave, ya know? But this is all for laughs, not to offend, so if you don't like it don't read it. ;)

Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity

Episode #001

Beginning of Insanity

AVALANCHE watched on as the Lifestream rose up from the Planet and washed all over Meteor. For a minute it just swirled around it, then the Lifestream sunk into it and Meteor turned green.

Cloud: Wait, so the Lifestream failed? That was unexpected.

Barret: Well, it turned Meteor green. I guess it had some use.

Cid: That doesn't #$%@$ help us, does it?!

Cloud: Cid's right. We're screwed.

Yuffie: (sighs) DIE!!

Yuffie throws a small little green Materia at the green Meteor.

Cid: That ain't gonna do $#@%!

Then the Meteor suddenly disappears, but after a few moments a glowing green Materia floats to the Highwind.

Cid (shocked): Maybe it will...

Yuffie: Cool, Meteor turned into a Materia.

Red XIII: Interesting. May I see?

Yuffie: NO!

Red XIII: Please?

Yuffie: YOU'RE NOT GETTING MY MATERIA! (jumps off Highwind)

Everyone (shocked): ...

Cloud: Did she just jump off the ship?

Barret: Nah.

Vincent: No.

Tifa: Nope.

Cloud: Okay, that was scary for a moment there.

Cait Sith: I wonder if the people of the slums are okay.

Barret: #$%#$ CAT!!! YOU #$%@& SPY!!

Cait Sith: I'm not a spy anymore! I'm on your side!

Barret: #%#$ CAT!! (knocks Cait Sith off the ship)

Tifa: Barret! That wasn't very nice.

Barret: $#%#$%!! (throws Vincent off the ship)

Tifa: What was that for?!

Barret: He looked at me weird.

Red XIII: Control your anger.

Barret: #$%#$@!! (throws Red XIII off the ship)

Cid: (laughs at what Barret is doing) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Barret: Don't laugh at me, foo'! (throws Cid off the ship)

Tifa: Barret... Do you want me to bake some cookies for you? Will that make you feel better?

Barret: Ah, yes that would. Thanks, Tifa. (walks inside the ship along with Tifa)

Cloud (looking over the edge of the ship): That's a long way down... Must be fun. (jumps off the ship) WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

(4 Hours Later in the Costa de Sol hospital)

Tifa: Well, I really hope you guys get better.

Barret: Yeah, sorry about that back there on the ship. (goes next to Vincent's bed)

Vincent: AAAAAAAAAAAHH!! GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!!! HELP!!!!

Barret: I ain't doing nothing, foo'! Snap out of it! (smacks Vince)

Vincent (blinks a few times, then goes back to his usual expressionless face): Thanks, Barret.

Barret (looking around): Where's the $%&*&^# spy?

Tifa: Cait? The moogle got destroyed in the fall. Reeve's building a new one.

Barret: Well, that's good and bad news, I guess.

Barret (walking over to Cloud): How you be doing, Cloud?

Cloud: The doctor says we'll have to stay in the hospital for at least a few months, but just cast FullCure on us and we'll be outta here today.

Tifa: Good idea. (takes out FullCure Materia) FullCure!

Cloud (getting out of bed): Ah, I feel much better.

Yuffie (getting out of bed): Me too, but you still can't have my Materia.

Red XIII (getting out of bed): Me three... Um... Me three? I said that?

Vincent (getting out of bed): ...

Cid (getting out of bed): Yeah, I'm all better too—(CRACK) OWWWWW!! (falls back in bed) OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! MY LEG!!! IT STILL HURTS!!! #$%#$%#@$%!!

Tifa: Err... oops. FullCure!

Cid (surrounded by green sprinkles): Ah, that's better. (gets out of bed, and another CRACK is heard) OWWWWWWWWWWW!!! $%^&*&#%$^&#!!! AGAIN!?

Tifa: Oh, wrong Materia. That was the Resist Spell. I guess it'll make it so that your injury stays. Whoops. (sweatdrops)

Cid: #$%^&#%*$*^%$&#$%^&#!!!!!!

(Costa de Sol - outside)

Cloud: So, what do we do now?

Tifa: Let's take a swim at the beach.

Barret: Let's get some grub.

Red XIII: Let's find a place to rest.

Yuffie: Let's buy more Materia.

Cid (on a crutch): OWWWWWWW!!

Vincent: Watch some porno.

All except Vincent: WHAT?!?

Vincent: ...kidding.

Cloud: Well, why don't we split up? Tifa, you can go swimming at the beach, Barret can go eat, Red can get us that house on sale (hands Red 300,000 gil), Yuffie can go buy more Materia, and Vincent can go... watch porno.

Vincent: ...I was kidding.

Cid: What about me?

Cloud: You can... go back to the hospital.

Cid: #$%#@$%@#$#@%!!! Screw that, I'm with Vincent. Let's see some porn!!

Vincent: I said I was kidding.

Tifa: What about you, Cloud? Can you come to the beach with me?

Cloud: I have some... unfinished business to take care of...

Tifa: Okay I guess. Well, if you finish early come to the beach, okay?

AVALANCHE splits up, everyone going different directions, but Cloud stays and frowns. He puts on a trench coat and a top hat for disguise. He walks to the Item shop stealthily, looking around to make sure he isn't followed. Once at the shop Cloud speaks to the owner.

Cloud: Hey, owner guy, let me in.

Owner: Let you in? I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

Cloud: "Ying Yang of the Abracadang."

Owner (whispering): Well, if you know the password... Okay. (opens shaft leading underground) Go right on in.

Cloud: Thanks. (looks around before going in the shaft)

(Underground)

Cloud (walking around in the darkness): Damn it. They should get some lighting down here. (opens a door that he runs into and goes in) Hello? Anyone here?

Suddenly the room lights up to expose a big bar, complete with tables, a stage with dancers on it, some piano music in the background, and a dude behind the bar serving drinks.

Cloud: This is the place. I see they still have that piano music that doesn't match the dancers' rhythm... (walks to the bar) Hey, hey, bring me a beer.

Drink Mixer: I need to see some ID.

Cloud: Sure, one sec. (searches several pockets, his trench coat, his hair, but finds no ID)

Drink Mixer: Sorry kid, no ID, no alcohol.

Cloud: Well, then get me some of that chocolate milk. Make it warm.

Drink Mixer: Sure thing. (goes off to put a drink in a microwave)

Cloud (thinking): Well, this is the place. I told him to meet me here. (looks at his watch) This is the time I said, too. But where is he?

???: Here I am.

Cloud: GYAH!!

???: What's the matter? Did I scare you?

Cloud: Where did you get that idea? (sweatdrops)

??? (sits down next to Cloud): You know who I am right?

Cloud: Yeah.

???: So why is my name still "???"?

Cloud: I dunno. Ok, forget that. I have something to tell you.

???: Ok, shoot.

Cloud: Yeah... It's uh... Well, I don't know how to say this...

Drink Mixer (puts down Cloud's chocolate milk): Here's your milk, sir.

Cloud: Thanks.

???: Milk?

Cloud: Hey! It's good, ok?!

???: Forgot your ID again, huh?

Cloud: …Yes...

???: Let me get us some beers. Hey, drink mixer!

Drink Mixer: Yes?

??? (hands over ID): Two beers, please.

Drink Mixer: Sorry sir, you're too old to buy beer.

??? (surprised): TOO OLD?! Sheez... This world is really going down the drains. Next thing you know you'll be too old to watch porn.

(At a nearby Blockbuster)

Cid (to the cashier): WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WE'RE TOO OLD TO WATCH PORN?!?

Vincent: I was JUST KIDDING!!

(Underground Bar)

Cloud: Well, anyway, the reason I brought you here was... Well... Look, I'm just gonna come right out and say it...

???: Ok.

Cloud: Well... You see... And then... But first...

???: Spit it out, already!!

Cloud: ...I WANT MY JACKET BACK!!

???: ...What?

Cloud: That's right! I said you could borrow it, not have it!

???: This jacket's mine, you moron!

Cloud: I don't see your name on it.

???: (points to big, fat name tag on the front of the jacket)

Cloud: Oh... Right. Ok, nevermind. (quickly leaves bar)

???: ...

Drink Mixer: Hey, where did that guy go? He didn't pay for his milk!!

(At the Materia Shop)

Yuffie: ...and that one, that one, this one, over there, yeah, that one too, and this one, oh definitely that one, and I think I'll take this one too.

Materia Shop Owner: Your bill comes out to 7,273,391 gil. How will you be paying?

Yuffie: Credit card. (hands over a credit card)

Materia Shop Owner: Okay. (zips card through the credit card machine) Okay, we're done Mrs... Cloud Strife. Thank you for your purchase.

Yuffie (takes Cloud's credit card back): Hee hee... No problem. (goes into a big truck with hundreds of Materia in the back and drives off)

(At the Costa de Sol villa)

Dude on the bed: Yeah, who's there?

Red XIII (walking in): Hey, there. I want to purchase this house.

Dude on the bed: Villa.

Red XIII: What?

Dude on the bed: This is a villa, not a house.

Red XIII: Okay. I want to purchase this villa.

Dude on the bed: Well, it might be a house.

Red XIII: ...

Dude on the bed: Then again, it could be a villa. Maybe both.

Red XIII: CAN I JUST PURCHASE THIS RESIDENCE?!

Dude on the bed: Oh, right, ok. 300,000 gil.

Red XIII: Here. (hands over the gil)

Dude on the bed: Thanks. It's all yours. Have fun with this house... or is it a villa?

Red XIII: Just get out of here!

(At the newly built Costa de Sol restaurant)

Barret: Ah, damn, I'm hungry. Shoot, where's the grub?

Barret wanders to the counter.

Barret: 'ey, gimme some food, foo'!

Guy behind the counter: What do you want? Today's special is...

Barret: Just gimme everything on the menu!! I'm @#$@#$ starving over here!!

Guy behind the counter: Sorry, but since you want so much it'll take around three months to prepare.

Barret: WHAT?! Well, then just gimme half of what's on the menu. How long will that take?

Guy behind the counter: Six months.

Barret: WHAT?!?! But I ordered less!

Guy behind the counter: Cheese sandwich it is!

(At the beach)

Tifa: The water's so warm... It's so relaxing...

From nowhere, a little kid appears near Tifa.

Tifa: Yelp!

Little Kid: Did I scare you, lady?

Tifa: Err... where are you mom and dad?

Little Kid: (smiles)

Tifa: What is it?

Little Kid: You're pretty.

Tifa: (smiles) Thank you.

Little Kid: ...and I just peed here. Hee hee hee... (swims away)

Tifa: ...gross. (swims away as quickly as possible)

(Back at Blockbuster)

Cid: Are you saying we should give up on the porno?!

Vincent: I didn't say anything...

Cid: So now you suggest we watch the Spice Girls movie?!?!

Vincent: ...

Cid: You're starting to annoy me! If it wasn't for my injuries I'd be on you right now beating you senseless! $%#$%#@$!!

Vincent: ...whatever.

(At the restaurant again)

Barret: ...hey, how much longer 'til my sandwich is done?

Guy behind the counter: 8-12 months.

Barret: @$#%^*^%#$%&*&@#$!!! (leaves)

(At the Villa/House)

Red XIII: This villa/house is all nice and comfy...

Red XIII: I wonder what everyone else is doing... (leaves)

(At the town square)

Cloud: Hey guys...

Barret, Cid, Vincent, Red XIII: Hey.

Cloud: What have you been doing?

Barret: Trying to eat.

Cid: Trying to rent some porn.

Vincent: ...

Red XIII: I bought the villa.

Barret: Hey, does the villa have a fridge in it?!

Red XIII: Yes...why?

Barret: Is there food in it?!

Red XIII: Yeah, but why?

Barret: YES!! (runs to the villa)

Red XIII: I should follow to make sure he doesn't destroy the house...err, villa. (goes after Barret)

Cloud: So you couldn't rent any porn?

Cid: Nope, the dude was being a @$%^&*^# so we just settled for Loveless.

Vincent: It was you that made the decision of renting it...

Cloud: Why did you two rent that movie? I heard it sucked. It was only playing in Midgar for like a week.

Vincent: I didn't want to rent it...

Cid: Well, me and Vince decided we might as well see it, cause you know it was playing when you met Aeris and Tifa and Barret so we thought it had sentimental value... I'll try to stay awake this time...

Vincent: You mean, you thought it had sentimental value...

Cid: So me and Vincent talked it over and chose to rent this movie.

Vincent: I never said a thing...

Cloud: Well, you two probably made a good choice, because I think Tifa likes that movie.

Vincent: I had no part in the decision to rent it...

Cid: Well, of course! It's romance, of course she'll like it.

Cloud: Romance?! Man, it's hard to believe that Vince wanted to rent a romance movie.

Vincent: I didn't.

Cid: I know. Next thing you know Barret's gonna like it and Tifa will say change the channel.

Vincent: ...

Cid: Say, where is Tifa, anyway?

Cloud: At the beach probably.

Vincent: ...

Cid: Hey, I think Vince's right. We should go check on her.

Cloud: Good idea, Vincent.

Vincent: …?

(At the beach)

Tifa (to some little kids): YES, THEY ARE REAL!!

Cloud, Cid, Vincent: (walk up to Tifa)

Tifa (to the kids): Shoo now, shoo!!

Cloud: Hey Tifa, having a good time?

Tifa (frustrated): No! First some kid pees next to me in the sea, then an ice cream man flirts with me, then global warning gives me skin cancer...

Cloud: !!!!

Tifa: ...that one was a joke...

Cloud (relieved): Oh...

Tifa: ...then ANOTHER ice ream man flirts with me, then the life guards go off duty so we're not allowed in the water anymore, and finally some perverted kids asked me...um...

Cloud: Well? What did they ask you?

Tifa: Well, um, it's nothing. I think I'm ready to go home now.

Cid: Yeah, I'm getting pretty tired.

Vincent: ...

Cid: Vince says he needs some sleep, and soon because he's really tired.

Vincent: ...I said that?

Cid: Yes.

Vincent: ...whatever.

Cloud: Okay, home we go.

(Now at the villa(now belonging to AVALANCHE...))

Cloud, Cid, Tifa, and Vincent walk in to find empty bags of food EVERYWHERE, and the large form of Barret snoozing away on the couch. Red XIII lays quietly near him.

Cloud: What happened here?

Red XIII: Barret ate. Now he's asleep.

Cid: So there was food here? Are there cigs here, too?

Red XIII: Downstairs, in the red chest.

Cid: Thanks. (disappears down the stairs)

Vincent: (walks to a dark corner and stands there, silent)

Cloud: Phew, finally home.

Tifa: Yeah, I gotta change out of this wet bathing suit... be right back. (goes into the bedroom)

Cloud: So Red, how was your day?

Red XIII: Okay... I guess...

Yuffie (walking in, slowly dragging in a big sack full of Materia): Oh, uh, heh heh, hi Cloud.

Cloud: Yuffie?! Where did you get all that Materia?!

Yuffie: I bought it.

Cloud: How?! You have no money!

Yuffie: Here. (throws Cloud his credit card)

Cloud: WHAT?!?! YOU USED MY CREDIT CARD!!!

Yuffie: Uh... no.

Cloud: Oh… For a second there I thought you did... Okay then.

Cid (coming up the stairs and sitting down on top of the sleeping Barret on the couch and smoking a cig) Hey hey, gather round. I'm about to play Loveless.

Tifa (bursting out of the bedroom, already dressed): Loveless?! I loved the play!! The movie should be just as great!!

Yuffie quickly hides her gigantic stash behind the small planter in one of the corners of the living room, then sits down on Barret too. So does Cloud. Red XIII turns toward the TV but stays laying on the ground. Vincent stays in his Corner of Evil and Darkness.

But before Cid can press play, Cait Sith comes hopping in.

Cait Sith: Hey guys, I'm back!

Barret (suddenly snapping awake): #@$@#$@# CAT!!! (punches Cait Sith, destroying him again)

Barret: (goes back to sleep)

Everyone: (shrug)

Cid presses plays and they watch Loveless.

(an hour later)

Cid: Vincent was right, this is a good movie!!

--

-