How are you guys? I've been MIA for awhile with TGO/100 Days stuff. Samuel Norbert's death kind of took a toll on me. I will get back to that. But for now writing stuff about Japril mourning is more important to me. I wrote some of these a few weeks ago. They are mostly prompts I got from Tumblr and IDK why, but I wasn't ready to post them on FF yet. Yeah, that's gonna change. I think all my stuff is going exclusively on Fanfic from now on. All you'll find on my Tumblr are links. But anyway...some of these aren't prompts. Just things I needed to write. NONE of these are connected. They should all stand on their own, unless I say otherwise...or...unless in your head they connect. That's fine too.

The title for this set comes from Sara Bareilles' song "Breathe Again." It's a breakup song, but...I couldn't think of one that fit better. If you guys listen to songs that feel "Japril" right now, even if they aren't about grieving, let me know. I love making playlists. Anyway please let me know what you think of these. They mean a lot to me. This first one was a prompt for the missing scene between the fight/bed in 11x10. I think I stayed pretty cannon.

"..My burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore...All I have, all I need. He's the air I would kill to breathe. Holds my life in his hands, still I'm searching for something. Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again."


"April, eat."

"I'm not hungry," she whispered down at her plate, moving a layer of lasagna noodles from the top of her piece to reveal the cheese, and pressing her fork into it.

"Your baby boy needs you to eat, April. He needs you to nourish him so that when God brings him into the world he has as much strength as possible." Karen gave Jackson a deliberate angry eye from across the table when she said it, but he ignored his mother-in-law and caught his wife's sad eyes.

"Not eating is not making anything better right now, April. That much you know, come on," he encouraged her softly, placing a hand on top of hers. He was relieved that his words were the ones that got her to start eating.

It was not about winning the argument with Karen, or being right. He was just happy his words were registering with April, that she was hearing him and able to listen. He knew she was probably only able to handle surface things, right now; eating, cleaning, showering. But she was listening, too.

He let Karen take over the dinner conversation at that point. He tuned her out as she talked about the congregation back home in Moline, the filly that a mare just gave birth to. April winced slightly as she told that story and Jackson squeezed her hand. Karen was seemingly oblivious to her daughter's subtle reactions, but he saw everything.

He'd been watching her closely since a few days before, when he'd told her about the osteogenisis imperfecta and had Owen pull her from surgery. In hindsight he realized that he'd made a bad call, that day. He'd been concerned about her unwillingness to accept their reality. He thought he could be the one to help her face it. But all he had done that day was throw the first metaphorical punch that was causing her to break, ever so slowly.

Since that day he watched her eyes grow progressively sadder, though she had been trying to keep up a façade. Jackson knew he'd made another mistake today. Agreeing to testing was a big step for April. He shouldn't have started talking about termination until they knew what they had to plan for. Because maybe April was right. Maybe their little boy would be type three. He'd put her through extra stress for no reason at all, and he felt bad.

He didn't even know how strongly he felt about termination, right now. He'd prefer to spare his child pain, yes, but his wife…termination might actually be more than she could handle emotionally, religious beliefs aside. He was willing to talk about it. He just wanted her to let him in, he wanted to make the best decision for his family, with April.

He stopped April from picking up empty dishes as their awkward dinner wound down. Karen had done all of the talking. April would sometimes nod or give an indication that she was listening, but mostly she just stole scared sad glances at Jackson. Her mother wasn't turning out to be the comfort she needed, after all.

"Sweetheart, you cooked, let me help clean up," Jackson said, bringing the pile of plates to the sink.

April looked nervously between her husband and her mother, and eventually slowly handed him the salad bowl. "I…I want to go to sleep." Her outburst before must have taken all the strength she had left in her for the day. She looked weak and more fragile then ever.

"OK, that's a good idea, April. Rest."

"I love you, sweetie," Karen stepped between Jackson and April and pulled her daughter into a hug. April wrapped her arms around Karen's body, going through the motions of a hug, but her face was stoic. "God knows you can handle this, and I do too."

Jackson rolled his eyes as he put the bowl on the kitchen counter. "I'll be in as soon as I'm done."

"No fighting, please," April whispered down to her feet.

"OK, no fighting. I love you." April turned to toward the bedroom. "Hey. I love you."

He didn't need her to say it back; he just needed to know she'd heard, that she was listening. He was happily surprised when she gave him a small nod. The smile was even smaller, but he saw that, too. She loved him, but any emotion was too overwhelming to handle at this point.


"You know, he's my child too, Karen," Jackson said, when he went to load the dishwasher with his mother-in-law after he heard the bedroom door slam. "Without my sperm, there would be no child to speak of. He's mine, too. We're married." He had chosen his words carefully. He wanted to make himself very clear.

"Well, I know that." It was a whisper, but a stern one. She rolled her eyes.

"So my opinion matters. And in my marriage, I want it to be considered. We both want to be heard, that's why it's important that we talk."

"God does not give children so they can be aborted." She muttered it to a plate she was scrubbing angrily over the sink, having momentarily forgotten the dishwasher existed.

"Again, immaculate conception played no part in this, though. God didn't give us a child. I put sperm in and…"

Karen put the plate in the cupboard abruptly and it made a little noise. They both glanced toward the bedroom, and when April didn't come out, Karen looked Jackson directly in the eye. "And that baby will come out of her. I'm aware, Jackson," Karen seethed. "Either way, a child is involved, especially at this point. She's almost 24 weeks. There's a child in her womb. A child."

"This isn't easy for me, Karen. I'm trying to be selfless. And I want to spare my son suffering."

"That is all I'm trying to do for my daughter. You're making her…why can't you just…don't you see the pain you're causing her?"

Jackson gulped and quickly choked back tears that surprised him. "Me? Me? I didn't do this to my son. I just want a healthy baby boy but that's not what…"

"You want him healthy, or nothing at all. She just wants to nurture her son."

"That's not fair, Karen! I love him too! I'm just trying to…"

"Spare him pain at the expense of my daughter. Don't you want to know the child whose pain you want to spare?" she asked, as she loaded the last dish into the machine. "Death is not a way to spare pain at all." She shook her head and wiped angry tears from her eyes, looking away from her son-in-law. "Sometimes I wonder…what if she'd…" She was talking to the air now, looking anywhere but Jackson.

"Say it. Married him? Say it."

Slowly, Karen turned her head to look at Jackson again. There were tears in her eyes, and her voice softened. "At least she wouldn't be so afraid to lean on someone, Jackson. Didn't you hear her? She's afraid and alone and she can't lean on you because…because even if you are trying to be there for her, you aren't trying to understand. I'm sure it's hard for you. I'm sure you're hurting and I'm sorry. I didn't raise a son and I turn to faith for comfort, I don't know how to help you but…He's inside of her body. Just try to imagine what it'd be like if…she just wants to hold your baby, Jackson. And she's probably so scared you'll resent her for…"

Suddenly, the conversation became too much for Jackson. He didn't know what choice they'd make, but he saw more clearly, at least how to help April. Arguing with Karen felt pointless. "I can't…I'm gonna go to bed, Karen, goodnight."

He went to wash up without waiting for an answer. In the bathroom he wiped tears from his eyes, and waited for his mind to stop racing before he entered his room.

When he finally did crawl into bed, Jackson immediately put his arms around his wife and baby boy, and felt April move her hands to let him slide his underneath. "You're not alone, I promise," his whisper was barely audible, but her body relaxed after he said the words. She'd heard.


So the end I couldn't help but add dialogue. Also, a note on my Karen Kepner. I HATE cannon Karen. So, she's either slightly less annoying when I write her or I get her as far away from April as possible. It's just what I do. Anyway, again, let me know what you think of all of these!