The Burden of Blame
The worst things happen to us when we suspect them the least. We, members of our high school's computer club, were excited to all get the hot new game, Sword Art Online, together, without suspecting that our lives would be on the line during the game, and none of us would get out of it alive.
The ten thousand people who got trapped in the death game were people from all walks of life. Some of them were veteran gamers, eager to try out the next big thing in gaming, while others saw this as their chance to get started. All of us were faced with a common problem- clear all 100 floors and defeat the end boss if we wanted to leave- that was too large for any one of us to accomplish on our own.
Many people died quickly, abruptly and senselessly. There were those who made the same kind of rookie mistakes newcomers to RPGs made, like walking into a dungeon without leveling up, and died without getting a second chance. Others committed suicide in the hopes that Kayaba was bluffing, and that we would be able to leave. Still others were overconfident beta testers, who believed that their knowledge of the beta test would allow them to survive, and were killed by things that had changed for the final release. On the other end of the spectrum were people who were reasonably confident or careful, but froze up at a critical moment because of their own fear of death. By the end of the first month, two thousand people had died, before the first floor was cleared.
Eventually, however, most people, with the exception of a few selfish beta testers known as "beaters," leading to the rise of organizations like the Aincrad Liberation Force, the Knights of Blood, and the Divine Dragon Alliance. Naturally, human flaws like arrogance, distrust, factionalism and others came to the fore, resulting in many groups that did not always work well together, rather than one unified force. The floors were cleared, one by one, but people kept dying.
So where did I fit into all this? In addition to my distaste for some of the large guilds, there was a more relevant problem. I was not nearly strong or well-equipped enough to help out. My friends- Tetsuo, Sasamaru, Ducker and Sachi- were in the same boat, so we could band together and gradually grow stronger.
Even if we didn't intend to become a large or bureaucratic organization like the Army, we needed a leader, someone who had the final word, and who could give orders in battle. Since I was our president in real life, that role fell to me, even if I was just as new to this game and out of my depth as everyone else.
Our progress was slow at first, but even in the relatively safe areas far from the front lines, the shadow of death hung over us; Sachi lost a friend outside of our club to a surprise attack in a low level area. Eventually, however, we made a leap forward as we got a talented new member, Kirito, who saved us from a tight spot while we were hunting. Before long, we were starting to earn enough money, saving it up to buy a house.
I decided to go out and buy the headquarters, while Kirito and the others went hunting. It wasn't entirely fair to make them wait for me, and I believed they could handle our usual grounds.
When I got back, I found Kirito, our newest member, at the edge of Aincrad, wandering around in a daze. Something was amiss, but I didn't think to ask about it.
"Hey, Kirito!" I called out to him. "I got a good price for our headquarters, so we've got some money left over to buy some new gear for Sachi. How are things on your end?"
Kirito said nothing, but stiffened up at the mention of Sachi's name, an odd reaction even considering that she'd quickly become close with him. Taking a few steps toward Kirito, I noticed that his face seemed unusually pale.
"Um, Kirito, what's wrong?" I said. "Where are the others?"
"They're all... dead," Kirito said. "The others suggested we go into a dungeon on this floor. We ran into a trap, they were split up and killed one by one. I barely made it out alive."
I quickly checked my friends list, and I paled as Kirito was the only one left on it. I suppose, even in spite of the circumstances, I trusted Kirito implicitly, as I didn't jump to unfavorable conclusions about why Kirito was the sole survivor.
"B-but that's impossible!" I said. "The dungeons around here are well within our level range, so the five of you should have had no problem handling it."
"Not within my level range..." Kirito said, more ashamed of having a high level than any gamer I knew. "I'm actually twenty or so levels above the rest of you."
My jaw dropped open. Kirito did always seem unusually strong and competent, but his level being roughly twice that of mine and the others was something else entirely.
"B-but how?" I said. "How did you advance so fast?"
"I was in the beta," Kirito said in a resigned tone. The various advantages beta testers had were by now common knowledge enough that an answer like Kirito's required no further explanation. And because of those advantages, beta testers were reviled enough that Kirito did not need to explain why he had not told us he was one.
Suddenly, everything seemed so clear. Our recent successes weren't the result of good teamwork, but one high-level beater pulling us along. It was like a leaky motorboat with a good motor, but the motor could only carry it so far, and now the boat had fallen apart. Someone had to take the blame for this, but who? My dead friends? Me? Or perhaps the newcomer to our group who managed to survive? I didn't know who I could justly blame for all this, but I knew who the easiest person to blame was.
"You were just a beater!" I cried out reflexively. "You never had any right to be with us!"
Kirito silently hung his head, chastened. Either he agreed with my assertion, or he was too far gone to try to argue with it. It was oddly dissatisfying seeing him just stand there and take what I was saying to him. Perhaps a part of me wanted him to fight back, to show that he wasn't fully consumed by guilt and grief, or so that I could get satisfaction out of blaming him.
But then a realization dawned on me. Until Kirito came along, and to a large part, while he was one of us, who was in charge of the Black Cats? I was. I'd been the one who came up with our formations in battle, who advised everyone what to do and where to hunt, and who gave everyone advice on how to develop skills. They were the ones who came up with the idea of hunting while I was gone on their own, but I never told them that it was off limits, and when the trap went off, I could not do anything to help them. It was no longer a question of strength; in the end, Kirito was there to do what he could to protect the others, which was more than could be said for me.
Perhaps this could have been avoided if Kirito had never showed up or if he had been honest with us from the beginning. But perhaps I could have prevented it, whether by insisting that they stay behind, going with them, or being a better leader or fighter. As long as I had the option of doing something, was it fair to scapegoat Kirito, even as an emotional self-defense mechanism?
I was then overrun with a sick sense of despair, giving way to determination, that was likely what Kirito was going through at the moment. Suddenly, I wondered if I had any reason to believe that death in this world truly meant death in real life. One way or another, I was going to be reunited with my dead friends very soon, and would beg for their forgiveness once I saw them again.
I climbed up onto the railing. Kirito, whom I had thought to be entirely unresponsive, gasped in shock, and ran forward to reach me, but I leaned forward and fell before he could stop me. It never at any point occurred to me what was going through his mind, whether he was struggling with the same guilt I was going through, or whether it was worse for him because he had watched everyone die.
I plummeted through the sky, the air rushing past my face, as I fell past the floors we had cleared; despite not even being halfway up the castle, it still felt like a very long fall. But one way or another, I would soon be free of this awful place known as Aincrad, and go to where my friends had gone.
"Everyone, I'm sorry," were my final thoughts, before my fall was suddenly broken, and I knew nothing more.
Author's Notes
Thank you for reading this fic.
This was inspired by the Alternative Character Interpretation on TV Tropes, which suggests Keita might be feeling guilt over outliving his guildmates, and mainly blaming Kirito as a self-defense mechanism, which would explain why he committed suicide.
I also wanted to explore Keita's thoughts during his final minutes, since the death scene in the anime, and even the light novel and manga, was quite rushed and as such, lacked emotional weight compared to scenes such as when Kirito and Asuna think that they're going to die after defeating Heathcliff/Kayaba, or Yuuki's death scene. I know that in the light novel, it's said that the only thing Keita said to Kirito was his last line about him being a beater, but I decided to include more dialogue to show Keita's reaction, and to show a more natural flow of him realizing what had happened.
Incidentally, this is probably the darkest fic that I've ever published on this site thus far. The only positive about it is that Kirito does, in fact, defeat Kayaba and win the game, but his victory comes too late for Keita, Sachi, the rest of the Black Cats and roughly 4,000 other people.
