Better Left Unsaid
Disclaimer: Loved the show, wish it could continue, so in its absence I'm stealing the characters for my own indulgence. Don't sue me.
Note: Set after the episode 'Heart Of Gold' and the death of Inara's prostitue friend Nandi. The first lines are not direct quotes, just my own hazy memory of what passed between Inara and Mal. And what could have followed...
Part One - Decisions
"I ain't looking for anything from you, Inara," Mal murmured, a tension-easing smile creasing his handsome features, "Just feeling kinda truthsome right now is all… and life's too short for ifs buts and maybes--"
"I learned something from Nandy, Mal - not from how she died but from her: that kind of strength binds people round, makes them feel safe, so they can never leave, because they never want to."
Mal's breath caught in his throat; he should speak now, get the words out before chance snatched the opportunity away from him again…
"There's something I need to do, and I'm sorry it took me so long…" her eyes grew glassy with tears, but her expression hardened against them. "I'm leaving." Without another the word she whirled and strode away from him, sure he must have seen the one errant tear escaping down her cheek before she turned her face away.
Mal stared at her retreat, at the shifting colours of the rich fabrics as she stalked purposefully away, dumbstruck. His expectations could not have been more fully destroyed, and yet his mind focused solely on one fact: she was crying. It was almost the first time he'd been privy to any genuine emotion from her, and that simple truth dictated his only response.
He followed, his stride quicker, longer than hers, and reached her at the entrance to her shuttle. He planted one hand solidly on her shoulder and turned her into his arms. A barest instant of struggle as he brought his mouth firmly down on hers and kissed her fiercely.
He had expected no more than a brief embrace before she retaliated against such an affront, but again she defied expectation by holding him just as tightly as he held her, returning his kiss with a fervour her graceful Companion's demeanour had never showed before.
As Mal broke away, Inara looked into the velvety brown depths of his eyes. He had released her willingly; his gaze told her it was never his intention to force her to stay, nor even to reconsider. She was a free woman, and he respected that, but he would not leave her in doubt of his feelings.
As she took two small steps back towards her shuttle, he nodded his understanding, a little smile of support for whatever she chose to do. It very nearly disarmed her completely. She turned and fled into the safety of her shuttle, the door swishing shut behind her. She flung herself ungracefully down onto the bed, cursing her tears, cursing his damned nobility. Her resolve to flee this impossible situation was threatening to crumble, taking her carefully planned future with it.
Mal stood on the catwalk, immobilised by the image in his mind's eye, of her tear-filled eyes as she fled. He could not be pleased, could not rejoice in the truth of her feelings for him, because he so completely understood the conflict he had brought to her life.
A Companion does not fall in love, does not throw in her lot with a gang of smugglers and abandon a life of prestige and riches. Faced with that future, Mal knew Inara could only run.
On a catwalk across the gulf of the hold, Kaylee held her breath, afraid she would sigh and give her position away. The captain wouldn't want anyone to have seen that moment, but she was glad she did. It made her realise that, for all his tough-ass-outlaw act, he was a real human being, with feelings and complexities just like any of his crew. Just like her.
As the captain left, his painfully conflicted expression nearly crushed her. "Awww…" she breathed softly to herself, now that he was out of sight. A hopeless romantic, Kaylee knew destiny when she saw it. Inara was a tough cookie and the captain was as stubborn as they come in denying any kind of sweet feeling between the two of them. But those were just words, erased by a kiss.
She rested her chin on her hands, thinking about the way passion pushes though all restraint… if only she could make a certain ship's medic understand that concept!
"And here I thought the engine was in the engine room." Mal growled from behind her. Kaylee jumped half a foot in the air at his sudden remark. She whirled about, stammering but not managing to form a coherent sentence before his threatening tone cut in once more.
"Since you've time for all this idling, Serenity must be all fixed up and ready, am I right?"
"Yessir! Well, but she's still got a little--"
"This bird had better be flying better than she ever has, or so help me, I will drop you on the next rock with a nunnery on it and you can spend your days remembering what sex used to be like, got it?"
"Aye-aye, Cap'n!" she yelped and sped off towards the engine room.
Mal watched her hasty retreat, angry both with the nosy mechanic and with himself. Inara's sudden decision to leave had thrown him into a foul mood and Kaylee's spying had been an ideal target for his aggression, but he knew that the girl's ridiculously romantic soul would only be hurt by his outburst and she'd probably take twice the time with the repairs.
He stared bleakly down at the door to Inara's shuttle, wondering if at any moment he would receive a formal request to release the docking clamps.
"She won't leave." A quiet, serious voice drifted from somewhere above. Mal looked up sharply, straight into River's disconcerting stare. She was lying in a near-impossible position squeezed between a ventilation shaft and the inner-hull, peering down over the side.
"I oughtta put a bell on you." He grumbled as he started to walk away. He had no interest in furthering the conversation, and yet a traitorous part of his mind burned to know what she meant. The kid's cryptic remarks were annoying as hell, but never unfounded. He sternly told himself that he didn't want to hear any more from her and set off for the bridge.
River watched him go, craning her neck round to see him upside-down.
They're all going to be upside-down soon, she thought.
- - - - - - - - - -
End Of Part One
