The Pantheon
Hello, ! This story is kind of a parody of the TV show The Office. If you haven't watched it, then you should. Just to clear things up, the normal formatting is when they interview the person, like in, obviously, The Office. The italics mean they are the actual scene. If you still don't understand, then it's best to watch like half of an episode of The Office because it's sort of hard to explain here. Anyways, enjoy!
PS- This is kind of a Percy Jackson fan fiction just that the characters won't show up. It focuses on the Greek Pantheon.
PSS- There are a couple of things I'm adopting from the series, for example, Hestia is a little girl in Camp Half Blood.
PSSS- The background is that the main Percy Jackson characters created this show and they produced it. Just to not get confused, there might be some lines from the cameraman, who is Percy (or someone else, like Nico). And it's written in script mode.
Okay, now you can start.
At Olympus's dining hall, everyone is seated at the table. Dionysus (he lives in Olympus now) is asleep after downing a bottle of tequila, Aphrodite is filing her nails, Ares and Hermes are partaking in an arm wrestle, and Athena is sitting there staring at everyone in disgust.
Athena: Life at Olympus sucks. Everyone is so rash here. They're like 'oh, let's do this, let's do that', and I'm like, 'no, that's stupid. You're stupid'. Yet, when things get out of hand, they pretend that it was my fault because I didn't tell them not to.
Zeus: (bored and plays with his food)
Zeus: It used to be fun at Olympus. Nymphs bathing in the rivers for all to see, foolish mortals to zap without blaming it on science, demolishing the world to pieces…Now, it's just boring.
Demeter: (dumps cereal into her bowl. Looks into the cardboard box then dumps some more.)
Artemis: (stares at Demeter. The sound of cereal shuffling out of a box annoys her.)
Demeter: Oh darn, I ran out of cereal.
Artemis: Demeter brings my mood down every morning. Just the shuffling noise alone bugs me. Imagine how annoyed I get with the goddess herself.
Demeter: I don't understand how people can hate cereal so much. I mean, it has so much nutrition!
Demeter: (offers Hera a bowl of Raisin Bran with nectar).
Hera: (shakes her head and continues eating her breakfast. When Demeter persists, she takes a spray bottle out of nowhere and starts spraying Demeter with water)
Demeter: It's a great way to start off your day; it has plenty of minerals, and vitamins, and carbohydrates… I just gave it to Hera because she seemed a little bit tired from all that crying last night.
Hera: That's right. I keep a spray bottle with me. Whenever the others start to get annoying, I just spray them like a cat. Works like a charm.
Ares has stopped arm wrestling Hermes since he keeps on losing, so he starts to flirt with Aphrodite.
Ares: Aphrodite and I are the perfect couple. I don't see how she ended up with Hephaestus, but she definitely deserves me much more. I've got the muscles, the face, and most importantly… the sausage.
Hephaestus glares at them when Aphrodite starts giggling really loudly. Like, really loudly. Deafeningly loudly.
Hephaestus: Aphrodite and I aren't really…married. We barely see each other at all. I mean, I spend my entire life in my workshop, and she spends her entire life…sleeping with anything that has a reproductive system.
Everyone: groans when Aphrodite's obnoxious giggle pierces their ears.
Aphrodite: I'm the life-bringer of this place. Before I came, they've never heard of cucumber melon shampoo, or Tyrian purple acrylic nails. Life must've been so sad for them. Thank gods that I'm here!
Poseidon: (sips his nectar as he reads a bikini beach magazine)
Poseidon: I usually just sit somewhere and read swimsuit magazines. It's just a way I can relax. You know, I miss the old days where the best way to travel was by sea and everyone loved me. Now, people take planes and jets. Once again, Zeus gets all the glory.
Hermes: (sighs as he checks his iPhone for mail to forward to other gods)
Hermes: I'm kind of the mailing system in the Greek pantheon. Ever since everyone in Olympus got iPhones, they send typical messages to me, either through email or text…and I have to forward those messages to the intended god or goddess. I don't see why they can't just send them on their own…But I still get ordinary letters or packages. Like, Aphrodite makes these love letters every day and sends them to Ares. She refuses to send them by email, because without the actual card, it "doesn't have the same emotion".
Apollo: (looks at phone) Oh my gods, oh my gods! 5SOS is coming to New York on March 12th!
Everyone else (except Aphrodite): (groans and snorts)
Aphrodite: OMG, I can't wait! I can't wait!
Apollo: People don't appreciate 5 Seconds of Summer as much as they should. 5SOS has revolutionized pop music. Without them, this generation of music would be…bland, boring, tasteless. They have changed boy band history.
Aphrodite: I LOVE 5SOS! They are SO hot. My favorite's Calum, or Luke, or Michael, or Ashton…Wait, that's all of them. But Apollo and I are 5SOS buddies. We rock out to all their songs ALL the time. Apparently, not everyone agrees. I was talking to Ares the other day about Ashton's alleged girlfriend and how she should be me, and he just interrupted me and said that 5SOS was stupid! I didn't sleep with him for 2 weeks until he finally cracked and took it all back.
Apollo: It's April right now, and their concert is in March, which means that I have to wait eleven months till they come, but it's all good! I have lots of patience.
Aphrodite and Apollo: 5SOS! 5SOS! 5SOS! Come on, guys! Chant with us! 5SOS! 5SOS!
Dionysus: (wakes up) shut up! Gods!
Dionysus: Yep, I'm awake now. Apollo and Aphrodite are my alarm clock every breakfast. They just have to shout how great that boy band is and I'm up.
Dionysus: Shut up! Shut up! (throws grapes at Aphrodite and Apollo)
Aphrodite: Ew! They're wet! Ow! That hit my head!
Apollo: (girlish screams) Aah! Aah!
Hermes: (rolling on the ground)
Apollo: That was rude of Dionysus to throw fruit at us. But, he's the god of alcohol. What would you expect?
Hermes: Hahahahahahahahahahaha
Zeus: Babe, can you get the sugar for me?
Hera: (sighs and rolls her eyes) Here's your sugar (slams the sugar onto the table)
Zeus: Babe, can you rub my back for me?
Hera: (groans and starts to roughly massage Zeus's back)
Zeus: Ooh, you're feisty today. Hey, can you make me a sandwich after this?
Hera: You know what, YOU make your gods damn sandwich. And you better get someone else to rub your back, because I'm not! (storms out)
Zeus: W-wha—What is up with the women today? Hermes, come here and rub my back.
Hermes: Yes…Father.
Hera: I am a VERY strong feminist. People usually focus on the fact that I'm goddess of marriage, but I'm also a goddess of women. Usually I don't stand up to Zeus because most of the time whenever I do, he beats me—but I am feeing extra pissed today because I found a Playboy underneath the bed this morning. And just to express my anger, I pasted a picture of Hades's face on all of the models' heads.
Later that day…
Zeus: (flipping through his Playboy) W-what! Why is Miss October's face covered with a picture of Hades?!
Zeus: I don't understand women at all. I mean, Hera and I have been married for thousands of years. She should be used to this by now. And also, I'm the king of the gods. I can do whatever I want. I know I sound like a jerk, but whoever says it to my face, I'll just destroy them with my lightning bolt.
Back at the dining hall…
Artemis: (shakes her head)
Artemis: I do feel a little bad about Hera. I mean, we don't always see eye to eye on everything, but we're both feminists. And we both think that Zeus is a womanizing jerk. We tried to form a female alliance once with Athena, but Zeus disbanded it.
Ares: (to Aphrodite) You know what I just found out? That 1 plus 1 is 2, and we are those 1's.
Aphrodite: (giggles like a squirrel)
Athena: (rolls her eyes) Yeah, no [bleep] Sherlock.
Ares: Whoa, whoa, you wanna go? You wanna go?
Athena: You are the dumbest piece of [bleep] that I've ever met!
Ares: That's it! You are going down! I'm the god of WAR!
Athena: Yeah, and I'm the goddess of wisdom, crafts, AND strategic war. You are just the king of brutes!
Ares: MOMMY! MOMMMY!
Hera: Shut up!
Athena: Ares is one of most stupid people I've ever met. You'd think that maybe Hermes or Aphrodite is the dumbest, but it's actually Ares. It's just a shocker that a legitimate child of Zeus's marriage is one of the dullest beings to walk on earth. A parrot could do more math problems than he can.
Hermes: Ares is what you call a problem child. Nobody really likes him. His own parents, the mortals, even Aphrodite. She's just there for the sex. He has temper tantrums, emotional problems, and he doesn't have basic common sense. Hera's peacock has more IQ than he does.
Ares: Some people say that I have problems with anger management. That is not true. There's nothing wrong with me. The problem is the others. Has anyone ever though of that? They are the reason why I get mad so easily.
Zeus: (in the kitchen making a sandwich) Damn it, where is Hestia and her cooking skills when you need her? (slams the toaster) Ugh! Work, you stupid oven! Ugh! Hephaestus!
Hephaestus: Yes, Lord Zeus?
Zeus: The oven broke!
Hephaestus: (sighs and walks over to the kitchen) that's not an oven. That's a toaster.
Zeus: Yeah, whatever. But it's not working!
Hephaestus: Well, first, is it plugged in?
Zeus: Of course it is!
Hephaestus: (looks at the outlet) No, it's not.
Zeus: What! Of course it is! See, let me show you—Oh, well, I was just testing you to see if you know your stuff, with all this, um, mechanical business, and…yeah. (Pats him on the back) Good work. You're a very smart man.
Hephaestus: (nods then leaves)
Zeus: (puts bread into the toaster) (waits for it to do something) (bangs on it again) Hephaestus, don't leave just yet.
Hephaestus: (returns) Yes, Lord Zeus?
Zeus: I-it's not doing anything.
Hephaestus: You still haven't plugged the cord in.
Zeus: Oh…okay, got it. (waits for the toaster to do something)
Hephaestus: (After a few moments of silence) You have to press the lever down to start.
Zeus: Oh. Press it down like this?
Hephaestus: Yeah, just push it.
Zeus: Yeah, thanks.
Hephaestus: (grunts and leaves)
Hephaestus: Zeus isn't exactly my father; he's just my step-father, so I address him as Lord Zeus…I can't believe I'm saying this, but, I'm kind of the toolbar of the Olympian gods and goddesses.
Zeus: Well, I made my sandwich (holds up anything that does not look like a sandwich). I know that the bread is burnt, and we didn't have any ham, so I replaced the meat with eggplant, and the only cheese was crumbled feta, so… (bites into it) Oh! Oh gods, this is disgusting (coughs it up)
Hera: Which goddess I'm least like…Demeter. How can that woman eat so much cereal in one day?
Hera: (stares at Demeter with look of disgrace)
Demeter: (pours a box of Cheerios cereal into her mouth)
Hera: I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm fine with cereal. I like the marshmallows, but Demeter prefers the actual cereal.
Demeter: (eats Lucky Charms) Ew! I accidentally ate a marshmallow. (Picks out the marshmallows in her bowl)
Hera: (continues staring at Demeter in disgrace)
Demeter: I would like to crush that idiot who had the idea to put those disgusting colored packs of sugar into perfectly nice cereal. Those marshmallows distracts people from the real prize—the oat pieces.
Poseidon: Zeus gets way too much attention. He's mommy's favorite because he's the youngest, and it just so happens that he saves everyone from our tyrannical father's stomach. And now, he can strike lightning from his own bare hands and has more power than any other being in this entire world. But does the ocean get respect? Does the Underworld get respect? NO.
Dionysus: Blame it on the goose, got you feelin loose. Blame it on Patron, got you in the zone. Blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol
Hera: Uh, I don't usually watch mortal TV shows, but I did watch the first two seasons. I guess Zeus would be the 40-year-old Virgin. That's easy. He thinks everybody loves him when in reality everyone hates him.
Hermes: Um, first of all, Aphrodite is definitely Kelly. Talks too much, too girly, and an irritating high-pitched voice.
Aphrodite: If Hades were included in Olympus, he would obviously be Stanley. He'll just be sitting there and not paying attention and not caring much about Olympus stuff. I can totally see him doing that.
Apollo: There's this guy that works for Corporate, who's in a wheelchair. I guess he'll be Hephaestus.
Zeus: Meredith could be Demeter, if Meredith consumed cereal as much as she consumes alcohol in the show.
Hera: Dwight, Dwight, Dwight…Who is Dwight? Who is a suck-up to Zeus and thinks that Zeus loves him so much when he actually hates him so bad… (smirks) Dionysus.
Hephaestus: Ares is totally Andy. Annoying, always picking a fight, actually a wuss at the end…
Hermes: Who is Hera? She could fit Jan Levinson for the first few seasons since she's Michael's boss, and there's just this sexual tension between them.
Ares: (walking to the dining hall and sees Zeus's sandwich) (looks around) (bites Zeus's sandwich) (retches)
