Wee my first South Park fanfiction. Not ship-heavy or anything, but Kyle/Stan and Cartman/Wendy and leaned to. Basically, I'll be honest, it's a spoof on Nightmare Before Christmas. Cartman is Jack, Wendy is Sally, Damien is Santa Claus, etc.


Eric Cartman: Self-Appointed Anti-Christ

Chapter One: Any Type of Foresight


It was spring break for students at South Park High School. Everyone was out and about, some people had left Colorado all together, and Eric Cartman was not one of them.

If he possessed any type of foresight, he would've turned the TV off and gone to Raisin's and just forgotten about what was going on in his mind. You see, Eric Cartman was having an identity crisis.

He flipped channels at a slow pace, extremely bored and hoping that the TV would tell him what purpose he could fulfill. It wasn't that Cartman didn't like being Cartman, it was just that he had done so much, plotted so many get-rich-quick schemes, helped discover the cure for AIDS, and tried to take over South Park (and sometimes the world) numerous times since he was nine.

It felt a little redundant now. He needed some new calling to assist in his plans that would make then sure to succeed.

"Is your life feeling redundant? Do you need some new calling to assist in your plans that would make you sure to succeed?" a voiceover on the TV asked him.

"…That was specific," Cartman said, but the commercial disappeared, and was replaced with one that was being promoted by Satan.

"…Satan?" he asked himself, musing it over.

The pieces fell into place very, very quickly, and Cartman began to formulate the perfect plan. But a few moments into his plan formulating (and halfway through a Cheesy Poofs commercial) Cartman had hit a roadblock.

"How do I get down there to…?"

His cell phone rang, and Cartman looked at the display, cheerily flashing "Kenny", and had his solution.

--

Kenny waited patiently for Cartman to answer his phone, and when he finally said 'hello', Kenny was grateful. "Dude, you wanna go to Raisin's and throw some change on the ground to see if we can get Lexus to bend over?"

Pausing, Kenny listened to Cartman talk, and his eyes widened. "What? Dude! No! I can't do that! That's like a mega-permanent death wish!" he said.

There was a faint whine from the other line.

"That's so not cool, you know how mad he'll be? He'll probably destroy the entire fucking Earth if you pull that shit, man! No way am I helping you!"

Another pause.

"Fifty bucks? Really? You swear on your mother's life?" Kenny said. Then he sighed. "Fine, I'll be over there in ten minutes."

Kenny grabbed a jacket (his parka was destroyed when he was put through a wood-chipper about five years ago) and headed out the door, he didn't have a car, and Cartman only lived a street over anyway, so he walked.

Unfortunately for Kenny, as he was walking across the street towards Cartman's house, a bus came flying out of nowhere and promptly splattered him all over the pavement.

His spirit pulled itself out of his broken body, and he went on his way to hell. The line to get in was horrible, but since he was something of a regular, he didn't have to take the tour all the newbies did.

"Hey Karen," he said to the lady conducting the tour.

"Oh hey Kenny," she said.

"Where's Damien?"

"Seventh layer, do you need a lift?" she asked, gesturing to the little tram she had to conduct tours on. He nodded and jumped into the first seat, she joined him and all the new arrivals piled in behind them (it was a big tram, but it was still pretty cramped). The tour took forever, but getting to the seventh layer wasn't exactly a pleasant trek either.

When they finally got to the seventh layer, quite a few people got off the tram with Kenny, and he walked up to the towering Minotaur guard.

"Hey Bill, is Damien here?" he asked.

"He should be in Ring Three," the minotaur said, nodding.

Kenny crossed over a huge bridge, under which was a wide river of blood, and people splashing around and swimming. They all stopped and waved at Kenny, and he waved back. Once he got off the bridge, he had to get through the forest. The forest was ugly, there were numerous people hanging in nooses on the trees, and others with bleeding wrists or slit throats sitting under the trees having conversations. Out of the wood, he stepped onto a sandy beach, where he easily spotted Damien.

Damien had grown up, quite the same as all the kids in South Park, he was now taller, and his hair was longer, though he still wore all black, though he also sported a silver necklace with an upside-down cross on it. His father had bought it for his eleventh birthday and Damien had felt it would be sensible to actually wear it, as to not insult his dad's taste.

Kenny sat down beside him. "Hey Damien."

"Oh, hey Kenny," he said, turning and looking at Kenny. "You usually aren't down this far."

He just shrugged. "So I've got a proposition for you," he said.

Damien raised an eyebrow.

"Come back to Earth with me whenever I go back. Just to visit South Park."

"Why?"

"Just to visit," he said evasively. "You know. You haven't been to Earth in a while."

Nodding, Damien considered this. "I'd have to ask my dad, he's the reason I haven't been there recently. He thinks public high school just isn't safe anymore."

"It isn't," Kenny agreed. "But come on. We'll just call it a sleepover or something, you'll be back within a week or so!" he urged.

"I don't know, I haven't Dad how he feels about inter-dimensional sleepovers." But he stood up, and Kenny followed. "Dad's probably at home crying about his latest break up," he added.

"Already dude? Sucks."

It was quite a walk to Satan's house, and they had to knock several times before his advisor finally opened the door.

"Satan! Your bast- I mean son is here!"

"Shove it Frank," Damien said, walking in.

"Who are all these people, man?" Kenny asked. The mansion was unusually packed today, typically (the few times he had bothered to go inside) it was just Damien, Satan, and whoever Satan was dating at the time.

"My tutors," Damien said with a scowl.

"How many do you have?" Kenny exclaimed.

"Well, Einstein is my math tutor, Shakespeare is my English tutor," he said, gesturing to the two men. "Hitler is my art teacher," he continued pointing out Hitler. "Socrates and Plato are supposed to teach me philosophy by they typically just argue with each other during my lessons, Freud is my psychology teacher, and blames all my problems on my mother," he said.

"Well, she was a jackal," Kenny said.

Damien shrugged. "Sir Isaac Newton is my science teacher, there's Babe Ruth, he's my physical education teacher. Mozart is my music teacher," he said, he looked around. "One of those is my Feminist Literature tutor, but I don't pay attention to her at all. The other two are Home Economics, and I think that's about it." Kenny thought he was finished. "And Galileo is around here somewhere, he's my astronomy teacher. Even though you can't see the stars in hell."

Kenny laughed a little. "Well you're going to get the best education a budding Anti-Christ could ask for," he said, thumping Damien on the shoulder.

Damien grimaced. "Yeah I suppose. There's my father," he said, pointing to the unmistakable form of Satan.

"Damien! You're home early," he said.

"Yeah, I was just wondering if I could go back to Earth with Kenny for a couple of days, kinda like an inter-dimensional sleepover or something," he said.

Satan frowned. "Are you sure you want to?"

"Yeah, I mean. Hell is alright, dad, but I just need a change of scenary."

Still frowning, Satan considered it. "Alright. I'm sure you're old enough to handle yourself. If you need anything, don't hesitate to open a portal and come to me, alright? Pack clean underwear!" he added, his voice carrying as he headed down the hall.

Damien groaned. "Come on, I have to go grab some stuff from my room, then we'll go."

"Awesome," Kenny said.

Ten minutes later, Damien shifted the black backpack slung over his shoulder and opened a portal that led them onto the playground of South Park Elementary. The ten minute walk to Cartman's house was quiet.

"Why are we going to the fat kid's house?"

"We'll, it's going to be all five of us and Cartman has the biggest house," he said, shrugging. This was at least partly true. They climbed the stairs and found Kyle and Stan tacking up things around Cartman's door.

"Hey Kenny, you're back ear-" Kyle paused.

"Hi Damien?" Stan said, raising an eyebrow.

"Hello."

"Cartman's in there, so just go in," Kyle said with a shrug.

Kenny and Damien went inside, and the door shut behind them.

"What the fuck is going on?" Stan asked Kyle in an undertone.

Kyle shook his head. "I have a bad feeling about this."

Inside, Damien set down his things and fell back in a chair, and then Cartman started to laugh.

"I'm glad you could come!" he said from the bed, still trying to contain his laughter. "Damien, old pal, you're being kidnapped."

"What?"

"I'm taking your place as the Anti-Christ," Cartman said, smirking at the brilliance of his scheme.