"So let me get this straight, Diggory... you... sparkle."
Draco surveyed Edward for a moment and took a sip of his brandy.
"Yes," Edward said eagerly, "yes, Malfoy, I sparkle."
Draco was silent for a moment. "Sanguini doesn't sparkle."
"I'm a special vampire," Edward said. "I'm also a vegetarian."
"What? Draco demanded, nearly choking on his drink. "What the fuck is that?! You're a vampire, for Christ's sakes, Diggory!"
"I only eat small animals," Edward said. "And on occasion, tossed leafy greens."
Draco gaped at him.
"Well, this has all been... surreal," Draco said, standing up, "but I think I should be going now. Get back to the real Hogwarts Champion."
"Potter?" Edward said bemusedly. "What are you doing with Potter?"
"Exploring his maze, taming his dragon, and whatnot," Draco said. "Don't wait up, Diggory."
He made as if to leave and Edward grabbed him by the robes.
"Please," Edward hissed. "Take me back with you. My wife is a suicidal ninny and my daughter is an abomination on the face of literature. She doesn't even follow the author's own rules for vampires! Please, Malfoy!"
"Er," Draco said, trying vainly to release Edward's grip from his clothing. "Why don't you Floo me sometime and we'll have lunch?"
"I don't have a Floo!" Edward shrieked. "I don't even have a broomstick! I have a Swiffer! I live in FORKS FUCKING WASHINGTON, MALFOY!"
The mostly empty bar turned and stared at Edward.
"I don't really see what I can do about that, Diggory," Draco said uneasily, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
Edward looked at him pleadingly. "I'm going mad, Malfoy."
"You look it, too," Draco said. "Why don't you get a haircut or something? I'd be embarassed to be seen with you if we weren't in Bumblefuck, America."
Edward's expression turned hungry and his allegedly amber eyes glowed in the dim light from the bar. "I can read your mind, Malfoy."
"That's nice," Draco said sarcastically, making as if to go again.
Edward grabbed him by the arm. "You're thinking about fellating Potter."
Draco snorted. "Fellating? Seriously, Diggory? How long has there been a brain rattling around in your pretty head?"
"Now you're thinking about fellatio in general," Edward said. "Now you're thinking about Snape." He paused. "Now you're thinking about your father."
"Okay, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!" Draco yelled, shoving Edward away from him. "I think I'll be going now," he hissed, storming toward the door.
"Wait!" Edward yelled, running after him. "I think I'm gay!"
Draco paused in the doorway of the bar, turned, and leaned against it. His lips crooked in a smirk. "Really?"
Edward leaned forward and kissed Draco. Draco shoved him off.
"Yes, I'm pretty sure I'm gay," Edward said, rubbing his lips, his allegedly amber eyes glazing over.
"Diggory, as nice as this has been, and it hasn't, I really should be going now," Draco said, and he slipped out before Edward could grab him again.
Edward pushed the door open and yelled after Draco into the night, "SUPPORT CEDRIC DIGGORY, THE REAL HOGWARTS CHAMPION! POTTER STINKS!"
"No, Potter swallows!" Draco yelled back.
Billy Joel shoved Edward out of the way as he strolled into the bar. "Hey everyone," he said, smiling stupidly. "I'm here to play the piano."
There was a beat.
"'Cause I'm the piano man."
"GO HOME, BILLY," the bartender screamed, throwing a drink at him, which Billy avoided deftly.
Edward looked around. "Anyone want to make a suicide pact before I have to go home to my wife?"
A bedraggled looking businessman raised his hand.
