Pain
By: KarmaAliceFowl009
Disclaimer: I do not own Soul Eater! Also, this story contains instances of self-harm (as mentioned in the summary). You have been warned.
Maka was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. 'Why does life have to suck so bad?' she wondered. Sighing heavily, she pulled the comforter above her head, wanting the day to just go away. She heard her door be pushed open, indicating that either Soul was here to talk or Blair finally came home.
"Hey Maka, Black*Star challenged us to a game of basketball. You up for it?" Soul asked, peeking his head into her room. He learned to never enter her room without her permission the hard way.
"Not really," she murmured, burying herself deeper in the covers. She just wanted to be left alone. She hated being around the others because she knew that all they were going to do was pick on her.
"You okay?" he asked, risking a book to the head to sit down on her bed. He hated when his meister wasn't feeling well because he didn't know what to do to help her. "If you're sick I can stay here and take care of you. It's not a big deal." She threw her comforter off of her head to look at him.
"I'm fine. Just want to enjoy some peace and quiet. Don't worry about me. Go have fun!" she chirped with a false smile. She didn't want anyone, especially Soul, worrying about her. In order to keep him from worrying, she got good at hiding her true emotions from leaking into their shared wavelength. No one else needed to be a part of the mess that was her mind.
"Are you sure? You don't look so well," he questioned skeptically. Things had seemed off between them for a while, and he couldn't quite put a finger on what it was. He always worried about his meister, he loved her after all (though he never can admit that to her because of her distrust of men thanks to her stupid father). He just wanted to see a genuine smile cross her face again.
"Yes, I'm sure Soul. Just go," she sighed, lightly pushing him off her bed. "Have fun!"
"O-okay. Feel better," he said, shutting the door as he left to grab his gear and leave. He walked out of their apartment, wondering if leaving her alone was the best idea.
"Thank god he left," she sighed, dropping the cheery façade. She hated having to plaster on a fake smile and hide her true feelings from her friends. No one understood what she was going through. She knew she couldn't keep putting herself through the daily torture for much longer. She moved the blanket off her lap to stare at her legs. They were riddled with scars—some deep and some shallow. They just added to the unattractiveness that Soul teased her about. These ugly legs paired with her flat chest made her desirable to no one. The cuts had been going on for a while; ever since Soul got hurt on their mission in Rome. She felt worthless; she wasn't able to protect the person she cared about the most. It's not like he saw her as anything special anyways; he always mocked her personality and made fun of her appearance. The others recently started joining in, causing her to feel even more like the worthless piece of trash that she felt she was. She needed an outlet for these emotions, and the razorblade brought it for her. At first, she couldn't believe that she had actually resorted to self-harm, but after finding that the pain brought temporary relief, she continued turning to it. After getting carried away with it, she knew that she needed to find a way to hide the marks and scars from everyone. Her solution to this was to wear leggings under her skirt. It provided the best way to hide the scars, and when anyone would ask, she would simply say that she was cold. It seemed to work because no one questioned her again about them. Over time, it became more frequent, she needed to escape life's troubles more and more. Now, she had finally hit rock bottom. More needed to be done to bring her relief. She crouched down, pulling a box from underneath her bed before going to her desk to grab a piece of paper and pen. She sat down on her bed, placing the box on her lap and opening it, ready for more relief.
"Yahoo! You ready to play?!" Black*Star bellowed as Soul showed up to the court.
"Yeah," Soul mumbled, distracted. He was still stuck on trying to figure out if Maka was okay. He couldn't sense anything wrong in their wavelength, but he knew there something she was hiding.
"Where's Maka?" Tsubaki asked as she sat down next to Soul.
"She wasn't feeling too good today. I tried to stay home to take care of her, but she practically threw me out of the house," he murmured, tying his shoes.
"I hope she'll be okay!" she exclaimed and Soul just nodded, lost in his thoughts.
"Come on! Let's play! I'm tired of just sitting around!" Black*Star yelled before dividing the group up. It was Soul, Kid, and Tsubaki versus 'Star, Patty, and Liz. They started playing hard and it was enough to get Soul's mind cleared from the worry of Maka.
Maka shuffled through the contents of the box, finding her trusty razorblade on top. She pulled it out and looked at it, dried blood from her previous attempts marring the gleam of the metal. She placed it on her nightstand before turning back to the box. Next, she pulled a bottle of vodka out. She smuggled this from her Papa on one of the days she was forced to spend 'quality time' with him. He made her sick and made her hate herself more. There was nothing she could do to keep her Mama from leaving, it was all her fault. Stealing it from him was easy, he was always drunk or had his eyes on ladies, so it was a swift swipe into her bookbag. The alcohol found its place next to the razorblade as she pulled out a bottle of Warfarin, prescription blood thinners that she swiped from Stein's office on one of her visits to see the mad professor. She had no need for the rope that was in the box, nor the gun nestled in there. She placed the pills next to the blade and closed the lid, placing the box on the floor as she grabbed the paper and pen. She scrawled out a note, folding it in half and writing 'Soul' on the outside. Now was the time.
"The score is not symmetrical! We must keep playing!" Kid cried as they sat down for a break, all panting from exhaustion. All were guzzling down as much water as they possibly could to stay hydrated.
"You're just mad that you're losing to a God like me!" Black*Star cackled. The two continued to argue as Tsubaki talked to Soul.
"Soul-kun, are you alright? You seem out of it. Your head isn't in the game like it usually is," she asked with a kind smile, hoping to find out what was eating at her friend.
"I'm just worried about Maka. She's been acting strange lately," he sighed, snapping out of the daze that he had currently been in. "Has she mentioned anything to you?" he asked, turning to look at her.
"No she hasn't. She rarely talks to me anymore," she said with a sad smile. "I've noticed that she started acting strange as well, actually." This comment caught Black*Star's attention, pulling him from the argument he was having with Kid.
"You talkin' about Maka? What's her deal anyways? And what the hell is the deal with those pants under her skirt?" he questioned rapidly. "She's gotta be melting with those on!" he exclaimed, voice lowering from its normal ear-shattering octave, indicating that he was in a serious mood. Maka was like a sister to him, and he wanted to know what was wrong with her.
"Come to think of it, her weird behavior started shortly after she converted to wearing those pants under her skirt," Kid pondered, forgetting about the lack of symmetry due to the concern of his friend.
"Are you guys saying that a pair of pants are causing her to act weird?" Soul asked with a chuckle. He needed this lightheartedness from his friends to distract him from what was going on.
"No, what we're saying is maybe she is hiding something," Liz said, chiming into the conversation.
"What do you mean by that?" Soul said, grin instantly fading. Maka wouldn't hide anything from him, would she?
"Cuts!" Patty chirped, dancing around before taking the ball from Black*Star to shoot some hoops.
"Cuts?" Soul asked in confusion. What in the world was Patty chattering about now?
"That may explain it," Tsubaki muttered grimly, the group becoming solemn. Soul was still confused.
"What may explain what? Tell me Tsubaki!" he yelled, turning to her and grabbing her shoulders to shake her. He was panicking; what was going on!
"W-we think Maka may be hurting herself," she whispered, tears gathering in her eyes. He felt his heart seize at the words as he looked at his friends' expressions, all of them mirroring Tsubaki's.
"Hurting herself?" he whispered in disbelief.
Maka sat in the middle of her bed, cracking open the bottle of liquor and busting open the pill bottle at the same time. She shook out a handful of pills, popping them in her mouth. She chased them down with a hearty swig of the vodka, cringing from the bitter taste it had as she swallowed. She continued drinking the liquor, occasionally popping more of the blood thinners as she went. The alcohol and pills started making her fuzzy, her judgment clouded as she picked up the razorblade. She brought it across her wrist, digging deep. Blood gathered from the first wound and she cringed a bit from the sting it gave. She couldn't give up now, she was going all out for this. It was nothing that a little more vodka and pills couldn't numb. She continued carving into herself, careful not to let the pain go through the wavelength.
"It would make sense," Kid murmured. "It's hard to believe that Maka would actually resort to self-harm, but all of the warning signs are there." Soul just shook his head, he didn't want to believe that his meister was causing herself intentional harm. It just wasn't her.
"Soul, you can't deny that it's a possibility. I mean come on, she's always been a person to hide out in the apartment, but skipping out on group hangouts for over a month? That's just not right," Liz said, heart breaking at the thought of her friend cutting herself.
"Besides, you know her better than any of us do. So you should know that she always runs hotter than most people, which explains the short-ass skirts she always wears. Why would she suddenly change her wardrobe in the hottest months of the year?" Black*Star reasoned. He felt sick, he wanted to deny the fact that his sister was hurting herself, but there was this niggling feeling in his gut that was saying otherwise.
Soul fell off the bench and to his knees in disbelief. They had to be overthinking Maka's strange behavior, they had to be. There was no way that she was doing that to herself. None at all. He refused to believe. He closed his eyes, searching into their wavelength, hoping to prove them wrong. When he felt that she was fine, he sighed in relief. There was the proof he needed to know that they were overreacting.
Maka's head was spinning as she drank more. Blood stained her sheets as she looked down with slightly crossed eyes. She couldn't believe that her life turned to shit so quickly. She shook the pill bottle lightly, hearing a rattling sound indicating that there were a few left. She poured a couple in her hand, starting to mumble aloud. "Sorry Mama, sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep you with me. Sorry Papa, sorry I wasn't brave enough to confront you before life got shitty," she whispered, tossing the pills back.
"Soul," Tsubaki said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I think you should go check on Maka."
"She's fine, I can feel it in her wavelength," he said, tightening the laces on his shoes.
"Sorry Black*Star, sorry that I wasn't able to see you surpass God. Sorry Tsubaki, sorry I wasn't able to come to you with this and that I won't be able to see you become Black*Star's goddess," she cried, tears falling down her face as she finished off the vodka, the bottle falling to the floor, shattering. Her shaky hands clutched the blade for dear life, it cutting into her palm. "Sorry Kid, Liz, and Patty, sorry that I will not be able to see you become the next Shinigami and the best death scythes to ever be wielded." The cuts started getting deeper, she was almost there. "Sorry Shinigami-sama, Stein, Marie, and all the other professors. I just wasn't strong enough to become the best meister ever."
"Soul, you really should check on her. I have a bad feeling," Black*Star said seriously.
"I agree. I mean, it is possible to hide things from your wavelength," Kid mused, hoping that Soul would go check on her.
"You can't ignore this Soul," Liz said softly, praying that her friend was okay.
"Guys she's fine. Let's just start playing again," Soul growled, taking the ball from Patty. He didn't want to dwell on those negative thoughts anymore. The others sighed, joining him for the game, but with less enthusiasm as before.
"S-sorry Soul," she slurred. "Sorry I couldn't be the best, coolest partner ever. I hope your next partner makes you into a wonderful death scythe," she hiccupped, hand flailing and knocking the bottle over. She brought the razor to her throat as she looked at the ceiling. "I love you. I am so sorry," she whispered, tears streaming, cutting herself from their wavelength as she brought the blade across her neck in a deep stroke. She coughed, collapsing on the mattress as she began to bleed faster.
Soul froze as soon as he shot the basket, a terrible sensation shooting through him. It felt like everything that he had ever been made of had been ripped from him. Frantic, he searched for Maka's emotions only to find none. "M-Maka!" he screamed, pushing past the others to run towards their apartment. How could he have been so stupid?! Why didn't he listen to the others and go home earlier? Adrenaline pushed him further, he needed to make sure she was okay. How did he not notice the signs himself, what with having a past of self-harm himself? Was it his tendency to ignore what terrible things could happen? Was it that he couldn't believe that his innocent meister would ever do that? He didn't know. All he knew is that he had to get to the house soon incase anything had happened. He heard footsteps behind him, but he ignored them, his focus on the apartment. "Maka!" he yelled, busting through the door. Dread filled him when he didn't hear her respond to him. He could smell the faint tang of blood in the air and his stomach dropped. No, he refused to believe. "Maka? Are you in here?" he asked from the other side of her bedroom door. His heart started beating erratically when there was no response. "I-I'm coming in," he yelled, pushing on the door. It swung open easily, and he wished he could erase the image before him from his mind for forever. Maka, his Maka, lying in a pool of her own blood, cuts riddling her arms and legs. He ran to her side, fighting off the urge to collapse at seeing her in such a state. He took his shirt off, ripping it into bandages to try to stop the most serious wounds as he held her close. "Why Maka?" he cried into her hair, screaming in frustration.
"Soul, is she al-" Kid started as he ran into the open room, his sentence cutting off at the horrific scene before him. The others followed close behind, tears forming in their eyes as they saw her state.
"M-Maka!" Tsubaki cried, falling to her knees. She knew she should have confronted her long ago about her odd behavior. She felt terrible as she sobbed. Liz and Patty carried her to the living room as Black*Star stood in shock. There was no was his little sister could have done something like this. He walked silently to Soul's side, trying to help him stop the bleeding.
"Stein, this is Kid. We need you at Soul and Maka's now," Kid spoke into the phone in a hurry. He didn't know how much longer Maka had, but he would be damned if they didn't try to save her.
"What's going on?" Stein said, already gathering his equipment. He normally didn't do house calls, but he could sense the urgency in the Shinigami's voice.
"Suicide attempt," he said flatly, looking around the room for the tools she used, knowing that Stein would need them.
"I will be right there," he said, hanging up abruptly to hurry over. Soul was still sobbing into Maka's hair as Black*Star continued to bandage her up. He didn't understand this. He would die without her by his side. She brought out the best in him. Hell, she was the best thing to happen to him in his life. He wasn't going to let her go, not until he knew she was okay, he vowed.
"Soul, this has your name on it," Kid whispered, handing him the paper he found while he collected the blade and bottles. Soul took it, instantly recognizing the writing to be Maka's. He opened it up and felt his heart break even more from what he read.
Soul,
I'm sorry. I just couldn't do it anymore. The relentless teasing. The guilt of not being able to protect you. The failure of not being able to live up to my mother's achievements. The pressure just kept building up and I finally snapped. I wish I would have had the courage to tell you how much I actually adored you, no, loved you. But I was too much of a coward to voice my feeling out loud. That was one thing I learned from you, how to suppress my emotions as everything ate me up inside.
By the time you get this, I will be gone. The pills and alcohol should have worked while you were all out, and I should have bled dry. I'm so sorry that it had to be like this. I did love you and care for you, I really did. I just can't do it anymore. Tell my Papa and the others that I love them and that I am sorry.
I hope you find a new partner who is worthy of you. I am sorry to disappoint you like this, but believe me, it's better off this way.
Sorry,
Maka
More tears rushed down his face as he crumpled the letter in his fist. How did he not know she was hurting so bad? How could he have been such an inconsiderate asshole? His teasing, a way to cover up his true feelings for her, backfired completely. He hated himself now. He knew that if she didn't make it through this that he would forever blame himself. He knew he had to help her heal, no matter what. Stein showed up in a matter of minutes with Sid and Nygus to get Maka to the dispensary for treatment. They had to pry Soul away from her, telling him that if he didn't let go, she wouldn't make it. His face fell into her mattress as he cried while they transported her to Shibusen. The others had somber expressions, not being able to believe that the toughest person they knew broke so quickly.
"Come on Soul. We need to go with them," Black*Star murmured in a hallow voice. He helped his friend to his feet, knowing that Soul would break more if he wasn't there with Maka every step of the way. They all walked numbly to the hospital, praying silently that Maka would make it through this.
A/N: So, I felt my heart break multiple times from this. Since school has started again, it may take a bit before I can update. Read and review my lovelies! Oh, and negative reviews are to be PMed to me directly, NOT posted where everyone can see them. Thank you.
