Prologue

I've faced this a thousand times before.

Somehow I know that, despite the fact that the pain is overpowering everything else. I can't really think straight any more but I think that's a good thing. For some reason the idea of thinking makes my heart pound fast, like I'm running, but what am I running from?

I can feel cool hands touching my face, but I have no idea why. My eyes feel too heavy to open so I leave them blissfully closed even though there are voices calling my name. They're not loud voices, just quiet, and they sound worried. But why are they worried? I'm okay, I'm still here anyway.

I couldn't move even if I wanted to. Even the idea scares me slightly. I'm not sure why but I expect movement is joined with pain. I can feel a stutter in my chest, almost as if my heart is unsure of whether or not it wants to carry on. I recognise the next voice but I can't place it. I know there's a name for whoever it is somewhere in my head but searching for the right box takes all my energy and it's too exhausting.

She sounds panicked now, not just quietly concerned like before. She sounds like she's been crying too, but why? I can feel my heart pick up its pace again as I try to remember, try to think about what happened, but my mind is protecting itself; I can't remember a thing. Another voice is joining her, comforting her, and I feel a pang in my chest that I can't place. It's a man's voice, he's calming her, but I feel something other than confusion now and I don't know what it is.

Could it be jealously? Am I really that concerned over the male comforting her? Deep down, something cracks. I can see someone's face in my head. She's beautiful, and blonde, and she's smiling. I know her, I know I do, but why can't I think of her name?

I can feel frustration now. Despite my best intentions my own brain won't let me in. I can feel myself desperately trying to open my eyes but they seem to be glued shut. I try to move too but my body feels restrained. Why is this happening?

"San?" I hear her voice again.

I hear her voice again, louder and clearer and suddenly it all comes through. A thousand times over, the same pain again and again, until my heart just won't slow down. Because that's all I needed, that's all I wanted; to know the voice. It was Brittany. Of course it was. I felt warm inside all of a sudden but this was quickly replaced by a panic, a deep panic, a panic shrill and unforgiving.

I shake my head from side to side, trying to rid myself of the new images I can see but they won't go away. Suddenly I understand why my mind wouldn't work. I don't want to see, not anymore. Everyone's in a panic again but I find I don't care. I'm thrashing now, trying to fight my way out, the beeping beside me going haywire.

When a new face appears in my mind I hear a scream. It's a high pitched scream, an agonising scream and it takes me a while to realise it's coming from me.

I open my eyes.