'Better than reality'
Disclaimer: None of the Red Dwarf characters are mine : (
Neither is Spam, and if it was mine, you could have it.
A.N –Hi, this is one of my first fan-fics so please r & r- tell me what you think 'cos I can take 'constructive criticism'. (any flamers will be slapped with a wet fish!)
It is set after the dwarfers are out of the brig. After 'Only the good die young'. (series 8). Okay, here goes…
'Kryten -that was disgustin'! Worse than that space weevil and salad you gave me. I hate salad, you know I hate salad. That was worse though! What is it?'
Lister wiped the last of the 'meat' from his mouth and turned to face Kryten.
'Well?'
'It was, 'Spam' sir.'
'Spam? What on earth is spam?'
'It's a kind of, well – meat I suppose.'
'If that's meat, I'm a deranged super-hero gerbil.' Lister went off to the medi-bay in search of some mouthwash while Kryten cleared up the plates.
'Hey buddy! What you been cooking? The Cat walked in and looked hopefully at Kryten. 'What you been cooking? Can I have some?'
Kryten slammed down the plates of half eaten Spam burgers in front of the Cat, and went off to do some ironing. Even Kryten got a bit narked sometimes.
* * *
It was 2 years after the nanobots had resurrected Red Dwarf. After Rimmer had 'cheated death' (literally) he had managed to cross over into the mirror universe after the others. In the mirror universe Lister, Rimmer, Kryten, Kochanski and the Cat had never been put in the brig. They were back to normal. Lister and Kochanski had got back together only a few months ago, Kryten loved cooking, cleaning and ironing for hundreds of people. Cat had his suits, and an extra room for them all, and Rimmer was trying to pass the astronavigation exam – yet again.
* * *
Kochanski was lying on her bunk reading, when Rimmer stormed in, his nostrils flaring. He was obviously upset about something Kochanski thought to herself as she put her book down.
'Have you seen Lister?' he snapped.
'Dave? No, I think he's gone to the bar with Peterson.'
'Well when you see him, tell him that I'm going to kill him, and that his death will be as slow and as painful as an operation on the NHS.'
'O.K, anything else?' Kochanski said as casually as she could, she was trying not to giggle.'
'Yes.' Rimmer paused. 'Can I revise in your quarters?'
'Sure.' Kochanski picked up 'Jane Eyre' again.
'Thanks.' Rimmer sat down and starting making some notes. 'Holly's been wanting to play charades using just his nose and I haven't got time. He won't leave me alone.'
'So when's your exam?' Kochanski flicked over another page.
'4:00.'
'Today? You've only got two hours.'
'I know.' Rimmer's face fell. 'I'm going to fail – again. I'll never be an officer.'
'Do you want me to help you revise?' Kochanski tilted her head to one side and tried not to sound like she was patronising him- she wanted to help him.
'Oh would you?' Rimmer said gratefully. 'I mean – you passed your exam first time round.'
Kochanski smiled and said, 'Only because I didn't spend 7 weeks drawing up my revision timetable. Right, how much have you revised so far?…
During the two hours that followed, Rimmer revised harder than he had ever had before. Kochanski went patiently over everything he needed to know, and didn't mind explaining it over and over again. She fired questions at him, double-checked that he knew the basic principles of astronavigation, and helped him to relax. The hours just flew by. When Lister walked in – Kochanski and Rimmer hardly noticed him.
'Hey'
'So if the planet is…'
'Hey' He wondered what the smeg Rimmer was doing in his girlfriends quarters.
'Hi Dave, just give us 10 more minutes will you? We're just about done.'
Rimmer cut in. 'No, I won't if that's okay with you Kris. I've got to get changed and get my stuff together. Thanks for helping me though.' Rimmer felt uncomfortable with Lister there. He collected his books and walked towards the door.
'Good luck, you'll do fine!' Kochanski walked over and kissed Rimmer on the cheek. Rimmer nearly fell over – it was just a sign of friendship but still, she'd never done anything like that before.
'Th…thanks.' He walked out as Lister shouted,
'Up, up, up the ziggeraut – lickety split!'
The doors closed behind Rimmer and Kochanski turned to face Lister.
'Why do you always have to be so mean to him?'
'What does it matter? You know he'll never pass the smegging exam.'
* * *
Rimmer walked out of the exam in a daze. He hadn't passed out or written 'I am a fish'. Not once! More than that though, he had done well! He had remembered everything he had revised, and he had Kochanski to thank for that. In fact, he was going to thank her right now.
Rimmer!! What the smeg are you doing here, we're busy!'
And Rimmer could see that they were. Kochanski sat up in bed, and pulled the covers over her.
'How did it go?'
'Fine – thank you. I'll erm…tell you later.'
As Rimmer turned to go, Kochanski climbed down from the top bunk, pulling the sheets with her, leaving Lister to reach for an old pair of boxers.
'No, tell me now. Did you remember what I told you about the size of a planet, and the orbit?'
'Yes, I remembered, everything. Everything you told me. I think I may have passed. Not with flying colours of course but I think I may have scraped in.'
'Oh good, glad I could help. Tell me when you get the results- yeah?'
'Oh, okay.' Rimmer couldn't help but getting distracted, he was looking between Kochanski, wrapped in the bedcovers, and Lister lying in his bunk waiting for Rimmer to go so that he and Kochanski could 'finish'.
'I've, erm, got to get…back.'
'Okay – well, well done!'
Rimmer walked back to his quarters all the while thinking how true it was that when one part of your life starts to go right, another part gets buggered up. How come Lister always got the girl? He didn't deserve Kochanski. She was an officer, he was the lowest ranking person on the ship. It just wasn't right.
* * *
When Kochanski went to see Rimmer later that night he was arranging his underwear on clothes hangers in his wardrobe. Rimmer hastily shut the door as he saw her enter.
He was surprised to see Kristine Kochanski in his quarters wearing just a nightie.
'Kristine, what are you doing here?' Rimmer no longer called her 'Miss Kochanski ma'am. After all Lister, Rimmer, Kryten, Kochanski and Cat had gone through together, she was more of a friend than an officer to him.
She smiled. Her 'pinball' smile Lister used to call it. Because it lit up her whole face. Now Rimmer could see what he meant.
'Dave's playing his guitar in my room, and that's something we both hate.'
'You and Lister?'
'No! You and me.' She smiled again, and tucked a bit of her hair behind her ear. 'I'm glad the exam went well. Dave's been making jokes about it all afternoon, but I'm glad you passed.'
'Nothing's certain yet.' Rimmer was confused at all the attention Kochanski was giving him. And did she really think she'd passed?
'Do you want to play Risk?' Rimmer cursed himself immediately afterwards for saying such a stupid thing.
'No thanks, but I was wondering if…Oh no, actually it's okay.'
'No, what?'
'Could I sleep here tonight?'
'Sleep here? Tonight? With me. In the same bed…I mean room. In the same
bed-room?'
Kochanski smiled. 'Yes, well with Dave in my room, the top bunk is free. Could I use that tonight? Dave's probably collapsed – blind drunk with all of his mates. I can't go back in there. It's nearly 12:00 you see, and I've got an early shift.
'Oh, alright. Well, feel free! I've got to work tomorrow too.'
It was at this point that Holly's face popped up on the screen.
Rimmer snapped, 'look Holly, before you say a word, no I do not want to play charades using just my nose – O.K?'
'I wasn't gonna ask that. Just saying 'hi' that was all.' Holly looked at Kochanski climbing into Lister's bunk. 'I suppose you're used to the smell.'
'Yes…ugh.' Kochanski brushed poppadom shards out of the sheets.
Holly sniggered, 'and what about Dave's bunk?'
Kochanski giggled. 'Lights off please Holly.'
'He doesn't like me you know.' Said Rimmer.
Kochanski and Rimmer lay there for a bit, silently.
'Goodnight Arnold.'
Rimmer tried to take in the events of the day. Kristine Kochanski was lying asleep, directly above him, she liked him, and he had done well in his exam.
Unbe-smegging-lievable or what?
To be continued, more coming soon. Please r & r.
Disclaimer: None of the Red Dwarf characters are mine : (
Neither is Spam, and if it was mine, you could have it.
A.N –Hi, this is one of my first fan-fics so please r & r- tell me what you think 'cos I can take 'constructive criticism'. (any flamers will be slapped with a wet fish!)
It is set after the dwarfers are out of the brig. After 'Only the good die young'. (series 8). Okay, here goes…
'Kryten -that was disgustin'! Worse than that space weevil and salad you gave me. I hate salad, you know I hate salad. That was worse though! What is it?'
Lister wiped the last of the 'meat' from his mouth and turned to face Kryten.
'Well?'
'It was, 'Spam' sir.'
'Spam? What on earth is spam?'
'It's a kind of, well – meat I suppose.'
'If that's meat, I'm a deranged super-hero gerbil.' Lister went off to the medi-bay in search of some mouthwash while Kryten cleared up the plates.
'Hey buddy! What you been cooking? The Cat walked in and looked hopefully at Kryten. 'What you been cooking? Can I have some?'
Kryten slammed down the plates of half eaten Spam burgers in front of the Cat, and went off to do some ironing. Even Kryten got a bit narked sometimes.
* * *
It was 2 years after the nanobots had resurrected Red Dwarf. After Rimmer had 'cheated death' (literally) he had managed to cross over into the mirror universe after the others. In the mirror universe Lister, Rimmer, Kryten, Kochanski and the Cat had never been put in the brig. They were back to normal. Lister and Kochanski had got back together only a few months ago, Kryten loved cooking, cleaning and ironing for hundreds of people. Cat had his suits, and an extra room for them all, and Rimmer was trying to pass the astronavigation exam – yet again.
* * *
Kochanski was lying on her bunk reading, when Rimmer stormed in, his nostrils flaring. He was obviously upset about something Kochanski thought to herself as she put her book down.
'Have you seen Lister?' he snapped.
'Dave? No, I think he's gone to the bar with Peterson.'
'Well when you see him, tell him that I'm going to kill him, and that his death will be as slow and as painful as an operation on the NHS.'
'O.K, anything else?' Kochanski said as casually as she could, she was trying not to giggle.'
'Yes.' Rimmer paused. 'Can I revise in your quarters?'
'Sure.' Kochanski picked up 'Jane Eyre' again.
'Thanks.' Rimmer sat down and starting making some notes. 'Holly's been wanting to play charades using just his nose and I haven't got time. He won't leave me alone.'
'So when's your exam?' Kochanski flicked over another page.
'4:00.'
'Today? You've only got two hours.'
'I know.' Rimmer's face fell. 'I'm going to fail – again. I'll never be an officer.'
'Do you want me to help you revise?' Kochanski tilted her head to one side and tried not to sound like she was patronising him- she wanted to help him.
'Oh would you?' Rimmer said gratefully. 'I mean – you passed your exam first time round.'
Kochanski smiled and said, 'Only because I didn't spend 7 weeks drawing up my revision timetable. Right, how much have you revised so far?…
During the two hours that followed, Rimmer revised harder than he had ever had before. Kochanski went patiently over everything he needed to know, and didn't mind explaining it over and over again. She fired questions at him, double-checked that he knew the basic principles of astronavigation, and helped him to relax. The hours just flew by. When Lister walked in – Kochanski and Rimmer hardly noticed him.
'Hey'
'So if the planet is…'
'Hey' He wondered what the smeg Rimmer was doing in his girlfriends quarters.
'Hi Dave, just give us 10 more minutes will you? We're just about done.'
Rimmer cut in. 'No, I won't if that's okay with you Kris. I've got to get changed and get my stuff together. Thanks for helping me though.' Rimmer felt uncomfortable with Lister there. He collected his books and walked towards the door.
'Good luck, you'll do fine!' Kochanski walked over and kissed Rimmer on the cheek. Rimmer nearly fell over – it was just a sign of friendship but still, she'd never done anything like that before.
'Th…thanks.' He walked out as Lister shouted,
'Up, up, up the ziggeraut – lickety split!'
The doors closed behind Rimmer and Kochanski turned to face Lister.
'Why do you always have to be so mean to him?'
'What does it matter? You know he'll never pass the smegging exam.'
* * *
Rimmer walked out of the exam in a daze. He hadn't passed out or written 'I am a fish'. Not once! More than that though, he had done well! He had remembered everything he had revised, and he had Kochanski to thank for that. In fact, he was going to thank her right now.
Rimmer!! What the smeg are you doing here, we're busy!'
And Rimmer could see that they were. Kochanski sat up in bed, and pulled the covers over her.
'How did it go?'
'Fine – thank you. I'll erm…tell you later.'
As Rimmer turned to go, Kochanski climbed down from the top bunk, pulling the sheets with her, leaving Lister to reach for an old pair of boxers.
'No, tell me now. Did you remember what I told you about the size of a planet, and the orbit?'
'Yes, I remembered, everything. Everything you told me. I think I may have passed. Not with flying colours of course but I think I may have scraped in.'
'Oh good, glad I could help. Tell me when you get the results- yeah?'
'Oh, okay.' Rimmer couldn't help but getting distracted, he was looking between Kochanski, wrapped in the bedcovers, and Lister lying in his bunk waiting for Rimmer to go so that he and Kochanski could 'finish'.
'I've, erm, got to get…back.'
'Okay – well, well done!'
Rimmer walked back to his quarters all the while thinking how true it was that when one part of your life starts to go right, another part gets buggered up. How come Lister always got the girl? He didn't deserve Kochanski. She was an officer, he was the lowest ranking person on the ship. It just wasn't right.
* * *
When Kochanski went to see Rimmer later that night he was arranging his underwear on clothes hangers in his wardrobe. Rimmer hastily shut the door as he saw her enter.
He was surprised to see Kristine Kochanski in his quarters wearing just a nightie.
'Kristine, what are you doing here?' Rimmer no longer called her 'Miss Kochanski ma'am. After all Lister, Rimmer, Kryten, Kochanski and Cat had gone through together, she was more of a friend than an officer to him.
She smiled. Her 'pinball' smile Lister used to call it. Because it lit up her whole face. Now Rimmer could see what he meant.
'Dave's playing his guitar in my room, and that's something we both hate.'
'You and Lister?'
'No! You and me.' She smiled again, and tucked a bit of her hair behind her ear. 'I'm glad the exam went well. Dave's been making jokes about it all afternoon, but I'm glad you passed.'
'Nothing's certain yet.' Rimmer was confused at all the attention Kochanski was giving him. And did she really think she'd passed?
'Do you want to play Risk?' Rimmer cursed himself immediately afterwards for saying such a stupid thing.
'No thanks, but I was wondering if…Oh no, actually it's okay.'
'No, what?'
'Could I sleep here tonight?'
'Sleep here? Tonight? With me. In the same bed…I mean room. In the same
bed-room?'
Kochanski smiled. 'Yes, well with Dave in my room, the top bunk is free. Could I use that tonight? Dave's probably collapsed – blind drunk with all of his mates. I can't go back in there. It's nearly 12:00 you see, and I've got an early shift.
'Oh, alright. Well, feel free! I've got to work tomorrow too.'
It was at this point that Holly's face popped up on the screen.
Rimmer snapped, 'look Holly, before you say a word, no I do not want to play charades using just my nose – O.K?'
'I wasn't gonna ask that. Just saying 'hi' that was all.' Holly looked at Kochanski climbing into Lister's bunk. 'I suppose you're used to the smell.'
'Yes…ugh.' Kochanski brushed poppadom shards out of the sheets.
Holly sniggered, 'and what about Dave's bunk?'
Kochanski giggled. 'Lights off please Holly.'
'He doesn't like me you know.' Said Rimmer.
Kochanski and Rimmer lay there for a bit, silently.
'Goodnight Arnold.'
Rimmer tried to take in the events of the day. Kristine Kochanski was lying asleep, directly above him, she liked him, and he had done well in his exam.
Unbe-smegging-lievable or what?
To be continued, more coming soon. Please r & r.
