" To Die, To Sleep"

It had been a dark, snowy day when they had gone looking for flowers. Mother seemed to relish being in cold weather, seemed to drink it in like air. And of course, he had been brought along, for she never could resist being without him for more than a few minutes. "My little Shinji-kun", she had said, " My little boy, who cries when he's alone." Even at that age he had been embarrassed by the statement and had protested vehemently that it was not true. "Don't worry," she had said with a grin, "it'll be our little secret." He had smiled then too, for it was impossible to stay angry at Mother for long.

For hours they walked among frost-covered fields, alone except for the occasional crow, its black shape contrasting sharply against the snow. He grew tired quickly, for it was a very cold day and he was still a small child. Every few minutes, in order to alleviate the oppressive silence that lay around them, he would ask what it was she was looking for. "Flowers of course, Shinji-kun" she would reply. When he asked how flowers could survive in winter she would say,

" Because the will to live is stronger than anything, my son. There are some flowers who do not die with the leaves in fall. They live on even in winter, and if we're lucky, we'll see them."

On and on they continued until night seemed almost upon them. It was then he began to grow anxious, for darkness was something he hated with a passion. Mother had somehow sensed his fears for she had said, "Don't worry. We'll find one soon." How she could be so certain, he didn't know. All he wanted at this point was to be safe and snug back at home. They kept on until Mother suddenly came to a halt. She bent over a small patch of ground and began clearing away something. He asked if she had found something. "Look Shinji-kun", her eyes were bright and her smile warm, "Look what I've found." In her hands lay, of all things, a sunflower. "For you, my love, to brighten your day." He had hugged fiercely then, his mother, who loved him so very much...

"Get up." Shinji Ikari awoke from blessed unconsciousness to find himself stretched out upon the floor, the same position he had been in when he had sunk into oblivion. His wounds were still bleeding, and his arm still hurt like hell. Damned if he hadn't gotten a fracture. A swift kick in the ribs jolted him out of the examination and forced him to look up.

Gendo Ikari, his mother's husband, also his father, stared back at him through red-tinted glasses which Shinji had never seen taken off. They concealed whatever emotion he displayed, and so, Shinji had no idea of what he might be thinking at the moment. This only caused him more fear.

"You disappoint me, Shinji. I would have thought by now you could handle this without fainting like a girl. It seems I was wrong." His father was enjoying this, Shinji could tell. His father enjoyed seeing him suffer like a dog on the floor, seeing him writhe in pain from the wounds he inflicted.

"Perhaps we should continue so that you won't be so weak next time." Gendo grabbed the front of what remained of Shinji's shirt and threw him against the wall. Shinji could feel something break, and tried his best not to cry out. It only served to infuriate his father further, which lead to more violence and more pain. But he couldn't do it. Not tonight, not after seeing his mother again, even if was only in dream from memory. A small cry escaped his throat, soft, but apparently not soft enough to escape Gendo's unusually good hearing.

He was rewarded by a hard punch to his stomach, causing him to slide back down to the floor. He began to retch, and was swiftly pushed away so that he might not do it on his father's shoes. But all that came up was blood, as it always did. "Disgusting." Without another word, Gendo turned and left, leaving Shinji alone in tatters.

Shinji didn't bother to clean himself up. He could do it in the morning. All he wanted right now was sleep, away from a father who hated him, away from a world that didn't care. Sweet oblivion, the cure to all this pain. "Let me go back to Mother. I want to go back to her. Please, help me, Mother. I want my sunflower back."