Take A Bite Of My Heart Tonight
Chapter One: A Sudden Hope
…
"Kurt! Up and at 'em! Breakfast is served!"
"Kara… it's the first day of June…is another hour to much to ask?" Kurt groaned and rolled over onto his stomach. He grabbed his giant pillow and hid his head underneath it.
Kara scoffed, offended, and tried to take Kurt's pillow off his head but he held it secure with both his hands gripping the sides. "Kurt I've been up since four making you breakfast! You better come eat honey!"
Kurt stopped fighting back and Kara succeeded in taking his pillow. "You've been up since four making breakfast?" Kurt asked her.
"Well. . .I woke up, couldn't go to sleep, took a walk, fooled around and then made breakfast about half an hour ago." She grinned and threw his pillow to the other side of his enormous bedroom, resulting in a frustrated whine from Kurt. "Come on sweetie I made your favorite! Citrus tea, sunny side up eggs and…"
"Cheese bread?" Kurt raised an eyebrow.
"You bet! Come on! I expect you to be down in five minutes!" Kara rushed out of Kurt's bedroom giggling happily and closed his door.
He groaned and threw his head back into his highly-expensive, top of the line, memory foam mattress. He huffed, eyeing his pillow in the corner. In three months, this will be Kurt's first complete year living with his aunt Kara in Paris. She left Ohio last year to take up a job in Paris, France as the sale's manager of Gucci.
A month after Kurt's senior year of high school, Burt and Carole threw a family reunion-celebration-type bash. All was going well. Kurt was standing around talking with Rachel and Mercedes. Rachel was talking about a small apartment she filled out an application for in New York, trying not to brag too much for Kurt's sake. And Mercedes is going to live in L.A. with a friend she's been pen palling. Rachel went to go get some more vegan casserole Finn made and Kurt started to hear Kara and Burt got into a heated argument over her sexual orientation. Or at least, that's what Kurt assumed was happening.
Aunt Kara is a lesbian. And as Rachel left the two, Kurt, Mercedes and pretty much the whole group of people, heard Burt bashing everything Kara stands for: gay marriage. The two were yelling and truthfully, Aunt Kara was a tad drunk. Then she pointed Kurt out to the crowd and all eyes were on him. Some were worried for him, others looked at him in disgust, the others that he hasn't seen it years, the ones who probably had no idea he was gay. He was so upset; he eventually left the house and never returned.
Kurt gradually began living with his Aunt Kara. The two bonded instantly and moved to Paris a month after that incident, when Aunt Kara was offered the job. He never told his father; which brings Kurt to where he is now: Paris, France, living with his aunt. Kurt has it great here. He lives alone with Aunt Kara and her cat "Spiffy" Kurt doesn't understand how that cat has not wanted to kill himself yet.
Paris is everything he ever wanted. He lives in the fashion capital of the world. Every Monday and Friday morning he eats at a fancy coffee diner close to their residence and has conversations with friendly, intelligent, open-minded people. All that French in high school really paid off for him. He has many friends and sings at a very popular karaoke in town, where he is always well known. Kara and Kurt never struggle with any bills or homophobic attitudes. And who wouldn't feel like they had it all in Paris? It's a dream for some people stuck in a place like Lima, Ohio to go to, and he lives here. Kurt really has it all.
He hesitated before yawning, stretching, and slipping on some corny house shoes Kara bought for him. He walked down the house's enormous, black, spiral, stairs and straight into the kitchen. Kara smiled and looked up from stirring her cup of tea. She handed Kurt a plate of breakfast obviously she had already prepared for him. Kurt offered his best, polite, smile after being woken up un-willingly, and began to eat his favorite breakfast.
Kara took a sip of her tea and eyed Kurt carefully. "So Miss. Jones in men's clothing is looking for an assistant."
"Kara, I told you I'm not interested," Kurt replied, not glancing up from his breakfast he currently devoured.
Kara sighed, "You have to work your way up to the top, alright? You know—"
"No not that. I just want to get a degree in fashion before I start my experience." Kurt interrupted her and began sipping his tea, a smile played across his lips as his favorite flavor entered his mouth.
Kara grinned at him proud fully and then shook her head as she leaned her elbows on the stone counter. "I just still can't believe you're giving up on your Broadway dreams so easily. I mean I know you're quite the fashionista but—"
"Well NYADA decided that for me. That was a year ago anyhow. It's time I move on," Kurt interrupted dryly.
"NYADA didn't decide anything for you, Kurt. You keep going and don't give up. Do you know how many times it took George Columbus to make the light bulb?" Kara smiled at him.
"I'm pretty sure that was Thomas Edison…" Kurt lifted an eyebrow.
"Anyway! He didn't give up! We don't live in America anymore. It's not like it matters." Kara and Kurt both laughed and then an uncomfortable tension filled the kitchen as their eyes gazed downward, missing America.
Kurt decided to break the silence. "I suppose you're right. But I do love fashion…I don't want to go down that theatrical path again. You know where that got me?" Kara just glared at Kurt and shrugged for him to continue, knowing he would. "Nowhere. And I don't want my life to go nowhere."
After breakfast, one of Kurt's friends, Leslie, wanted to go for a walk in the district. Kurt waved good-bye to Kara and headed out the door, after an hour of preparation for heading outside. Kurt rounded a corner and looked at his surroundings. Tiny cars passed on his street and waved at him. He waved back and started to whistle a tune that seemed to be stuck in his head all week. He looked down at the shady sidewalk as his designer boots clicked against the concrete.
Kurt took a deep breath and sighed, he's lived here for a very long while but never, in a million years, did he imagine himself to be here; the heart of all fashion and remarkableness! Paris, France. Kurt's never had it good in Ohio. Hell, he's never had a boyfriend. As far as he knew, he doesn't know what love feels like, just little crushes on straight guys.
But he does know it's out here for him, it just has to be. Kurt began to bring to mind all those years that he believed in him and his dad, that it was them against the world. The two were inseparable and ever since that day of Kurt's first and only, football game, he was so sure his father accepted him.
Until that day, this still makes Kurt shudder at the thought of it. All of his friends were there and as Kara called him out and his dad seemed like he was in some sort of rage, like he wanted to punch someone, for calling Kurt out to be what he really is, made Kurt paler than usual.
…
"What is wrong with you, Kara? Barging into Kurt and Finn's celebration with your campaigning! This is Ohio!" Burt clinched his fist and yelled at his younger sister, who by the looks of it, has had one too many drinks.
"Excuse me, Burt? I'm not campaigning anything! I guess just seeing my face is disgusting to you!"Kara yelled right back in Burt's face.
"In case you have forgotten Kara, I have a—"
"A what? You can't even say what he is can you?"Kara laughed menacingly and Burt grimaced uncomfortably as she began to draw a crowd around them both.
"Kara, stop it. That's enough! If you can't behave well then leave!"
Kara narrowed her eyes at her older brother and shook her tipsy head. "No it's not enough, brother. Listen to me, everybody! Citizens of Lima or wherever the hell you came from: I'm a lesbian! That's right! I'm attracted to women and Burt's son here Kurt…is gay! He likes boys! And guess what? There's nothing you can do about it! But Burt here thinks he can control it! He finds it wrong! Being attracted to the same sex is wrong and immoral, eh?"Burt looked around with his mouth agape as looks began to surround the brother and sister; looks of disgrace and looks of disgust for Kara and Kurt. Suddenly, Burt's pale, upset, son approached him with tears forming in his blue eyes, the eyes of Burt's late wife.
"Dad…is that what you think of me? You think I'm…wrong?"Kurt managed to choke out.
"Kurt you can't just—"
"Be gay? I can't be gay! I am gay, dad! I thought you accepted that! What happened to you? I guess nothing does last forever, right? Including acceptance."
…
"Bonjour, Kurt!" Kurt heard from a distance. He looked up from where he walked to: him and Leslie's usual bench in the neighborhood.
"Leslie! Bonjour to you, too!" He waved her over and she ran up to him then stopped as she caught a glimpse of his face. There was a spot on his cheek where a tear fell and his eyes seemed to glisten and were red.
"All goes well, Kurt?" Leslie asked sympathetically and slowly sat down beside him on the bench.
"Yeah um…No I just…zoned out…exited mentally." Kurt tried to speak English that Leslie could understand. She nodded in agreement and placed her hand on his knee. She began to pat it comfortingly.
"Ah…what is wrong?"
Wrong.
Wrong.
Kurt can't hear that word without thinking of his dad. Tears began to fall from his face again. Leslie gasped and threw her arms around her sobbing friend. Her thick, blonde, curls fell into Kurt's face. "Tell me, Kurt. Tell me what is wrong." She rubbed his back.
Wrong.
There's that word again.
It made Kurt sob even more and become even more incoherent than he already appeared. "I—I—ah…" he tried to suppress words but nothing came out, just stuttered words or not even words that belonged in the dictionary. He couldn't begin to fathom why he is acting this way. He is the one who left! His dad hates who he is. So why is he crying over him? He doesn't miss me. He's glad I'm not in his perfect life thought Kurt as he sobbed into Leslie's embrace.
"Breathe Kurt. Breathe before talk," Leslie instructed and rubbed on his back. She looked around and saw people walking by and trying to speed up their walk, sensing an awkward moment on this particular bench. Kurt took deep breaths and continued to cry before worrying about speaking. After a certain amount of time just breathing and crying, he felt his chest begin to rise and fall normally, so he managed to choke out some words to his friend.
"It's my dad," He said.
"He had been in contact with you?" Leslie's eyes widened.
"No. I just—it's strange. I've been gone for a year and I—I miss him. I don't know why, though. He doesn't miss me," Kurt said gloomily and shook his head.
"Is it that he told you he will not miss you?" Leslie asked.
"Well. . .not exactly, but I know what he said and…it hurt… It's like he stabbed my in the back and my heart. All those years of trust and closeness and love and acceptance I thought…down the drain. Gone." Kurt explained and Leslie's lips formed into a disappointed grimace at Kurt's father, she couldn't believe a man could be so heartless to his own son.
"I am sorry, Kurt. I would like to be able to help. You are so strong and a great best friend, Kurt. It is foolish for him to treat you so." Her grip loosened as she felt Kurt speak without so many sobs and grasps of breaths.
"Thanks, Leslie. Thank you. So…what about that walk?" Kurt looked up at his friend and offered a lopsided grin; Leslie smiled back and stood up, extending her hand to Kurt. He took it and she helped him off the bench. The two proceeded to walk in a full circle around the neighborhood, not speaking of previous matters.
Every time Kurt talked to Leslie it puts a smile on his face. She is trying so hard to speak English, it's endearing, really. She dreams to go to New York. Kurt can't blame her. Next to Paris, he couldn't think of a better place; the land of dreams and opportunity. Leslie immediately reminded Kurt of Rachel. No, Leslie does not have Broadway dreams, or is self-centered or a pain in the ass. But whenever Kurt and Rachel hung out, Kurt saw the friendly, sweet, and bubbly side to Rachel. And every day Leslie reminded him of his friendship that he had to leave behind.
Rachel is probably on her summer break from NYADA now. After a successful semester there, she probably has Carmen wooed over and is the favorite at NYADA. Rachel. The favorite. At one of the finest performing arts school. In New York, New York. It made him sick, really. How he nailed his audition and didn't even get accepted. That's his dream. I need to push that away though. As much as I would love to play the male lead in a hit Broadway musical, I must let go of that dream. Everything dies, right? Nothing lasts forever Kurt thought as him and Leslie rounded a corner and approached the house before Kurt and Kara's.
Leslie walked a few steps ahead of him and quickly looked back as he casually strode through the streets with her. A smile formed on her face as she asked, "Kurt! Tea at your house?"
"Sure! Sounds great! Kara just made citrus!"
Leslie squealed and the two friends sped up their walk and approached the door of his home. The two friends walked inside and Kurt decided to let Kara know he was home before diving into her newly made tea.
He was laughing at one of Leslie's failed attempts to speak something in English and she was punching him repeatedly as the two walked into the kitchen…until Kara stopped him. She didn't even necessarily stop Kurt. The look on her face did. She was staring at a paper and her face was pale. Kurt and Leslie exchanged glances while Kara didn't even notice the two standing before her.
"Aunt Kara?" Kurt asked her. She gasped and dropped the piece of paper. She then screeched nervously and bent down to grab the paper, and stuff it in her pocket.
"Nothing. Just uh…a bill." Kara replied nervously and walked away from Kurt and Kara and to the sink. She picked up a wet, soapy, rag and a dish, and then began to wash the dish, hoping Kurt wouldn't question her more. But he did.
"But you can afford them all…" Kurt inched closer to her and bent over the stone counter.
Kara huffed and scrubbed at the already-clean dish harder. "Kurt it's none of your business." She retorted back to him.
Anger boiled up in Kurt as his aunt ignored him. She rinsed off the dish and placed it in the dish drainer, and went for another one. His lips formed into a scowl and Leslie bit her lip, knowing this argument wouldn't end well. "If it wasn't my business then why were you so scared when I saw you reading it?" Kurt asked her, trying to calm his anger down to a point.
Kara sighed dramatically and shook her head, rinsing out a tea cup."Kurt I don't need this. I need to finish cleaning and—"
"What was that? Did it involve me? Is it with NYADA?" Kurt interrupted her when she tried to change the subject.
"No," Kara replied, rubbing soap on a saucer. Kurt sighed; he realized she will continue to beat around the bush.
"Is it from somebody in America?" he began to question her. She bit her lip and ignored his question. Kurt took that as a yes."Somebody in Ohio?" he asked her. She resumed with her previous reply. Another yes. Excitement rose in Kurt, someone from Kurt's past still cares for him? After he left them all? Hesitation arose in him before he asked his next question, "Is it…Is it my dad?"
Kara stopped her dish cleaning and glared angrily at Kurt. "Kurt you were the one who—"
"It is my dad! What did he say?" Kurt yelled at her, he couldn't contain his anger any more. He felt betrayed and hurt. All over again. When will the betrayal stop?
"No, Kurt! You want nothing to do with him. Do you want to look at this and be locked in your room for a whole week? You're happy here! You don't need his homophobic bullshit!" Kara yelled straight back at him. Kurt shook his head in disgrace as anger continued to be visible on his face and in his words.
"I can't believe you're not letting me look at this! I mean I know you hate him but he is my father. The only parent I have left!"
"A homophobic parent! He's just going to shove down your throat that you're gay and it's wrong! That's it's a choice! We all know that isn't true! He thinks you are wrong! Do you want that?" Kara turned away from the sink and walked closer to Kurt. A silence fell and Kurt swallowed thickly as his aunt threw his past into his face. He bit his lip and looked down at her pants pocket.
"Is that what he says?" he asked her.
Kara was taken back and looked away from him. She knew what he said but she still asked him, "What?"
"Is that what he said? In that letter?" Kurt pointed out his fingers to the letter in her pants pocket. Leslie took a nervous sigh and backed away from her furious friend, this argument was getting way too heated and personal.
"I should go, Kurt." Leslie spoke up.
"No! You're staying!" Kurt grabbed her wrist and he dragged her with him as he walked around the other side of the counter, getting closer to his aunt. "What all does it say? Does he mention my homosexuality anywhere in there?"
Kara rolled her eyes. "No but—"
"Kara this is my father! I want to read it! I want to know what it says!" Kurt finally let go of Leslie and she stood there awkwardly crossing her arms and watched as the relatives screamed at each other.
"Why, Kurt? He does not accept you. He doesn't care about you. Why on earth would you put yourself through that hell, huh?" Kara's face grew to be inches away from her nephew. Tears formed in Kurt's eyes and they began to fall as he replied.
"Because I miss him! I miss waking up in Lima and hearing dad try his hardest to make me breakfast. I miss him telling me I sing like Faith Hill and Dianna Ross! I can't even remember what his voice sounds like! He's my dad and I love him!"
"Well he doesn't love you, Kurt! He doesn't love you anymore! He doesn't love us!"
Kurt shook his head. "No. He doesn't love you. He loves me."
"Yeah, is that what he said a year ago? When you were crying and came to my house? Because you couldn't feel safe in your homophobic home?" Kurt bit his lip and narrowed his eyes at Kara as she once again, threw his past into his face.
He shook his head and threw his arms up, "I just want to hear from him! And there it is and you won't let me see it? I miss him, Kara! I just want my dad again…" Kurt began to sob and couldn't handle Kara's exploitation and Leslie's awkward presence. He ran out of the kitchen and up to his bedroom. He collapsed on his bed and sulked into his pillow, letting all the tears pour out that he tried to manage so hard down there to hold in.
He felt like a little five year old who has been lost at a grocery store for a year; a whole year without his daddy.
Never getting to talk to him.
At all.
Never seeing him.
At all.
He always knew this about me since I was five. I just don't understand what he said and why he said it. I miss him so much. Kara heard from him. There is a piece of paper with his handwriting on it for me and I can't look at it? It's mine! I don't know a damn of what he is even saying! This isn't fair. Kurt's thoughts screamed in his mind and he flipped over his body onto his side, hugging his body-sized pillow because his tears were beginning to dampen his face.
After it felt like an hour of crying, Kurt heard a knock on the door. "Leslie?" he called out, hoping in some crazy world, Leslie was still here.
"No she left. It's Kara." The voice on the other side of the door replied. Kurt groaned as he buried his head into his pillow. Kara waited for him to reply, eventually she heard a miserable, "I don't want to speak with you."
Kara sighed and frowned at Kurt's words, although she knew he would feel that way after all she said to him. "I know, but I want to speak with you."
"I'm listening," Kurt responded coldly.
Kara bit her lip at Kurt's anger. "Can I come in?" she asked.
"No, you can say what you have to say out there." Kurt replied, still hugging his pillow, hoping somehow it was one of his friends back in Lima, or even his father.
Kara sighed and shook her head. "Kurt this is crazy. You and me are so alike and now you're—"
"We are nothing alike. I trust people and you can't forgive anyone." Kurt snapped back at her and anger began to grow into Kara's words as well.
"Do you forgive your dad? For what he said to you?" Kara asked him with a menacing tone.
"I don't need this, Kara. Just leave if that's what you wanted to talk to me about."
"Just answer me, Kurt. If you answer me, I won't bug you anymore about him."
Kurt sighed and let out another pathetic sob. "No I can't forgive him, okay? What he said is imprinted in my mind and it keeps playing for me every day. It just reminds me of the hurt and lies and—I don't like holding grudges but that hurt me. So no, I can't forgive him."
Kara's heart ached for Kurt and she bit her lip once more, keeping her emotions from getting the better of her. "Will you let me in now, sweetie?" she held her breath.
"I guess so. You'll keep bugging me if I don't." Kurt groaned from his bedroom. His back was turned to the door as he continued to hold his body-sized, tear-soaked, pillow. He heard the door open and close. Soft footsteps padded their way to his bed. He then felt the weight of the bed shift and a hand softly touches his belly.
"I'm sorry Kurt; I shouldn't have said all that. I have…a lot of un-forgiveness and I'm very bold about my sexuality," Kara apologized to him, speaking in a soft tone for once.
She heard Kurt sigh. "Yeah you need to work on that," he mumbled sarcastically.
Kara pursed her lips and ignored Kurt's sarcastic comment. "Thanks… I just know what rejection and hurt is like to experience over and over. I've never had a child so you're…you're like my baby, Kurt. I don't want to see you get hurt by your own father. The way he hurt me so many times. But if you want to know what he said… I'll let you read it." Kurt immediately sat up in his bed and saw Kara's apologetic, grinning face. He wiped away his snot and tears and whatever disgusting thing that lingered on his face.
"Really? You still have it?" he asked with such rising innocent and hope, that Kara smiled at her adorable nephew.
"Sure do hun. It's right here." She pulled out a piece of folded up paper from her pants pocket. "I'll leave and let you read it, sweetie." She placed the paper beside Kurt's thigh on his bed and kissed his sweaty forehead. Kurt watched her leave and close the door then he finally glanced at the crumbled up paper lying closely to him; American paper with his dad's handwriting.
He breathed deeply and picked up the fragile material in his trembling fingers. Here it is. Words from his dad, thoughts from his dad, in his hands. He quickly opened the paper and read it:
Dear Kurt,
I've found you. I've been looking and searching for you since you left. I've spent every day in frustration, disappointment in myself, and going through every one of them singy movies you love. Hoping a little bit of your laughter and happiness will come into my life. But it never did. I left Carole. If you can't deserve happiness, I shouldn't. It's just too damn selfish. I miss my little boy but most importantly I miss seeing you every morning. I miss your drama, your extravagant clothes and food, the way you would sing show tunes almost every morning, and about how much you taught me. You taught me that being gay is okay. I've realized that. I was so proud to have a strong, independent, and different son like you. If I could have not planned that reunion and we could still be together, I would have never done it. I didn't mean a word I said. One single word. Your aunt just irritates me, and it's not because she likes women either. I know you won't believe me; I just miss you so badly. I bought a ranch in the outskirts of Lima. I live here alone except for this kid Blaine. He keeps up with the animals. I let him in because he had nowhere else to go. He's not you though and I need to see you, Kurt. You're my son and I love everything about you. I don't know if you'll believe me or even want to see me ever again. I don't know if you're busy this summer but if you're not, please spend this summer with me. If you will come and accept my apology, I will give you a real apology to your face. Give me a second chance and I won't fail you. My address is on the envelope. Google it and try to find me if you want to. I miss you buddy, Starsky and Gay Hutch, remember? If you want to forgive me, I'll be waiting.
Love,
Your Daddy
Tears that Kurt didn't even know were still in there, poured out of his eyes. He's sorry. He left Carole, what the hell? This whole letter is full of him missing me and wanting to apologize Kurt's thoughts flooded his mind after reading the heartfelt letter. He hugged the letter to his chest and closed his eyes, imagining it could be some connection to his father; his father who still loves and accepts him. He lifted the paper and smelled it and kissed it, wishing it was his dad who always smelled like car grease and his favorite, cheap, cologne. Could this be legit? He lives by himself? Kurt wants this letter to be real and full of sincere so bad but…is this really genuine? Does Burt really want to see his gay son? Did he really leave Carole and Finn and is living in some sort of farm/ranch with some kid named Blaine? And if it is all real…in some strange sense if all these words were actually real and sincere…Kurt's mind wondered to his aunt downstairs. Will Kara let him? Will Kara let him just pack his bags and go to America, to Lima, Ohio for three months? Seeing his father, her so-called homophobic brother, and all of his friends? Knowing memories would pour back to his mind and he may never want to come back. Kurt took a deep breath. I have to at least try. Just one more chance, right? That can't be so horrible.
A/N: Another story from me! This one is extremely AU in case you haven't noticed. And just in case you don't know what AU means, it means Alternate Universe. It is alternate universe because of the obvious fact that Kurt is in Paris and living with an OC character and has an OC character friend, and also the fact that he has NEVER had a boyfriend. NEVER. Which includes Blaine, but if you paid attention…Kurt will get to meet Blaine in soon! This also means Kurt never went to Dalton; he stayed at McKinley and obviously agreed to Puck's idea of his own secret service. So a few more things, I know I have "Finding Courage" and I haven't updated "Getting To Know You" in a while but I am giving "Getting To Know You" at the most, a month long hiatus starting NOW! So be checking on that story on July 5th. In the meantime, I will update this story and "Finding Courage" Okay, that's all! Hope you enjoyed the first chapter of "Take A Bit Of My Heart Tonight" which is lyrics from the song "Animal" by Neon Trees. In Season 2, Blaine and Kurt sung this song with the Warblers, in case you didn't already know that….alright! Super long Author's Note, eh? But REVIEW! And check out my YouTube channel! This is the same name as my fan fiction name. I have posted Glee recaps from "Props" to "Goodbye" Be checking back! Chapter two will be coming soon! (And I do realize this is probably the longest chapter I have EVER written, the others might or might not be that long. Okay, I'll shut up now. Bye!)
