LOTR (c) not me.
Ladies and gents, may I present to you...
A total piece of crap.
Probably contains tons of mistakes but, to be honest, I don't care xD
Raina Silme, a young Elvish princess from Blahblahblah Kingdom, sent to Gandalf's home at the age of 6 with a cute letter saying:
"Dear Gandalf,
Remember about the money you owe me? Keep it, but that girl is your responsibility from now on.
Make her stay away from Blahblahblah and I'll give you extra cash every month.
the King
PS: She's crazy."
PART 1
One lick to rule them all, one look to find them...
one kiss to bring them all and in the candlelight bind them...
in the light of bedrooms where fools get laid.
This is the secret diary of Raina.
Read it and you'll have a wooden pin in your ass.
September 16, year 9283493723 (ie 3018)
Gandalf left me in his excuse of a home and went on a trip. He claims he's going to Elrond's, but I bet the old geezer is at Baggins' birthday party at the very moment. Every year he makes up a lame story and thinks I'm stupid enough to fall for that. Pathetic...
September 17
Bored. Cut Gandalf's collection of Playboys in pieces. Felt better afterwards.
The old prick will probably come back in a week, stoned like hell. Those Hobbits are fucking dealers!
September 20
Attempts to break into Gandy's room: 17
Why? WHY am I always left behind?! If only Gandalf would let me use his magical crap! But nooooo, I can't even go near his "lab"! What an asshole.
September 25
At dawn an old lousy jade brought Gandalf back. The old guy was stoned even more than usual. Was babbling something about the ring. Hit him in the face with an old rag. He immediately sobered. Told me to go to my room. Wanker.
September 27
I hope he didn't propose to anyone! I have more trouble with him than with a band of Dwarves! And who is taking care of whom here?
September 28
Gandalf found his Playboys. Success! A year ago he was so high that it took him two weeks. Was screaming for about five hours without a break, and then told me to pack my stuff and get out of his house. Yes! Sayonara, old fag!
September 29
Was just about to go, when the asshole remembered that my uncle pays him for "taking care" of me.
Shit. Greedy old pig will never give up the extra cash.
October 1
In the middle of the night Gandalf realized that he has to go somewhere. Left me alone in this ruin he calls a house, AGAIN! This is unforgivable!
October 4
Attempts to break into Gandy's room: 6
Poured out Gandalf's creams, ointments and moisturizes into the latrine. All of them! If he doesn't throw me out now, I give up.
October 6
Received a letter from Aragorn. The answer to the one which I had sent him in July. Dated the 1st of August.
Post in Middle-Earth is going to the dogs!
Arnie claims he did not borrow my Sailor Moon action figures. Bloody liar! He also mentions something about a journey. Why does everybody go somewhere and I'm the only one who stays at home?!
October 9
Slightly worried about Aragorn. Since he found out he's theoretically the king of Gondor, redneck is prone to gambling and abusing squirrel steaks.
October 14
Attempts to break into Gandy's room: 9
Old fag came up with additional security. I bet that's some kind of secret crap from Shire! Stupid Halflings, they don't want anyone to see their treasures, especially the Elves!
October 18
Received the August issue of "Rivendell Monthly". Intend to sue the Middle-Earth Post.
Under the ANNOUNCEMENTS Arwen complains about losing her tinsel, ie necklace. Aragorn certainly lost it again while playing cards with the Dwarves, and now collects money to get it back. Next to this I noticed a big pink thing informing that the Council of Elrond takes place on 25th of October! That's next week! So that is where everybody's going these days! And no one asked me to come! Bloody Rivendell Elves! THIS IS NOT OVER!
October 19
Was planning to leave for Rivendell at dawn, but came back four times. Keep forgetting important things.
While leaving, broke Gandalf's beloved Marilyn Monroe figure. Hope it kills him.
October 21
I honestly don't know how Aragorn can feed on squirrels. They are nasty and bony.
October 24
Met a bunch of orcs. They asked for directions to the Shire. Sent them to Moria. Consider myself a Hobbit savior. After all, no sane creature will go to the dark mine these days.
October 28
I refuse to eat more squirrels. They have no nutritional value.
November 1
After so many days of walking in a circle, discovered that instead of in Rivendell, I ended up in Mirkwood. Beautifully.
November 4
I give up. Now looking for civilization.
November 6
Does the fucking forest never end?!
November 8
Found some obscure village. Mirkwood Elves are jerks. They talk like Yoda and do not know how fun can magic crap be. For Gandalf's cap, slippers and a crystal kettle got only a tent, a blanket and a bag of Lembas.
November 9
Mirkwood sucks. No fun here. Miss Gandy's ruin.
November 12
Found an interesting bar. Elves here much more entertaining.
November 14
Damn, that pipe weed is reeeeeeeeeally good!
November 15
Jasdjknkjwnkdad
November 21
Bunch of stupid Men! I mean Elves... One bar fight and they immediately send me to their king! Apparently he is some scary guy. I don't give a rat's ass, he'll love my wonderful personality.
November 22
King Thrandusomething is a nice guy! Was a little pissed off at first, cause some Elves sustained injuries, but when I told him I am Gandalf's beloved student, he forgot about everything right away. Began smoking weed and babbling something about leggings. Finally let me go and the servants dragged him to his chambers.
November 24
Thrandusomething not so cool after all. He says my unmoral behavior and swearing has a bad influence on young Elflings. Gave me a horse, lunch and told to get lost as soon as possible. With great pleasure, you old prick!
November 30
On my way out of Mirkwood. The local Elves are screwed up more than I thought. Today they organized some kind of parade, they have banners with strange inscriptions. Among the trees I can only decipher a few of them. Most proclaim something like "Valar, protect Princess' Leggings" ...
They're obsessed with what they wear on their asses.
December 2
I'm on the right track! I can feel it!
December 6
Will Santa Claus find me here?
December 8
Some vile gurgling creature attacked me when I was fishing. Kicked it good. The asshole landed firmly in the heart of Mordor. During the flight was screaming something like "MY PRECIOUSSSSSS".
December 11
Damn mountain, fucking hard to get through. Nothing to eat. Hungry.
December 12
Not even a damn bush. Still hungry.
December 14
Mountain squirrels are less bony. No longer hungry.
December 15
End of the mountains! Hallelujah!
December 16
I have the impression that somehow I've been walking around Rivendell for the past few days. Now standing next to a sign with the words "Shire - 2 days". Shit.
December 18
Hunted a rabbit! Great, fat, delicious! Grub for at least three days!
December 19
Was having a picnic on the Weathertop, when a big flying beast landed nearby. Something black with a tin instead of a head jumped from its back. Began waving his little sword, but stumbled on his coat and fell straight into my fire. Farewell, rabbit soup!
December 21
Feel a deficiency associated with the tin, which deprived my soup.
December 24
Found a tree on which someone carved "Me wuz her – Eztel".
Note to self: make fun of Aragorn and his Elvish. What an idiot, he can't even write his own name.
December 25
I hear some Disco Polo! Getting close!
December 26
Finally!
At dawn, stood before the almighty Grandpa Elrond's cottage.
To be continued... Some other time.
