A touch of sanity

Stoker (a soon to be recurring character of mine) discovers a way to enter and alter novels. The first thing he does? Try to prevent twilight from ever happening.

Stoker was having a good day. He'd brought 2 twilight fans to the point where their only response to his logic was to stand rooted to the spot, gaping, mouth open, stuttering indistinct consonants. This was his mission and his hobby. The meeting of the Dielights hadn't gone as well however. The Dielights were a group Stoker had founded in defiance of twilight's growing popularity, named to be the mirror image of the name some had adopted for twilight nuts, twihards. The meeting's primary problem had been that Stoker was beginning to suspect several of his members of being spies. He'd misdirected them, making them think that the usual meeting place was under maintenance, bringing those he knew to be loyal to discuss the problem. Some people were beginning to think he was crazy. In reality, 2 of those he suspected of subterfuge were indeed spies. Stoker had spotted them quickly due to their frequent use of the word like. Generally, people in anti twilight groups evaded use excessive use of that word. Another he suspected, who'd joined at the same time, had been less obvious, because he was a freelancer. He wasn't particularly good though, and aroused suspicion in Stoker quite quickly. Stoker likely wouldn't be removed as head of the group though. They knew that, while he'd stay in if removed, he'd go found 5 more clubs because he didn't have enough to do in the crusade against twilight. In addition, Stoker's rabid hatred for twilight and his eccentric tendencies were what held the group together. Anyone who had a serious vote on the matter would realize this and vote to leave him as leader.

This didn't mean that there was no opposition. Quite the contrary. Knowing that Stoker losing command was a near impossibility, members were more likely to voice concerns on impulse. At some point though, something kept them in check. This missing element was likely the fact that, at first glance or after having known him, it was clear that Stoker was not the best choice for someone to piss off. He was quickly identifiable by a black trench coat, a dark brown t-shirt, a fedora over his brown hair, which looked nearly gold in the right light and was set in a manner not unlike that of Napoleon, although his hair was swept to the other side, and black trousers, He wore fine brown leather boots and tucked his pants into them because it looked cooler. In the top of the t-shirt, as though it were a nobleman's best, he wore a red….not exactly an ascot, that thing you always see on 17 and 1800s nobility. Actually it might be an ascot. Not the thing Fred from Scooby Doo wears. Moving on. In one boot, he kept a dagger, in the other, a stake, which he considered a sign of the resistance to twilight. In his trench coat pockets, he kept copies of Dracula, The Hound of the Baskervilles, and a few other Holmes novels and case collections. At his side dangled a sheath containing a fencing foil with the plastic cap loosened enough to be removed on a moment's notice and which was sharpened beneath it. Although Stoker was a humane person, and rarely physically fought anyone, he was one of the most dangerous bastards you could set eyes on. One can see why people endeavor to avoid his wrath.

As to his trusted Dielights, they consisted of 3 men. His loyal assistant Jim Atkins, an English immigrant who served as Stoker's second in command and pulled him back from some of his crazier schemes. Where Stoker was an artist and had a certain brilliant flair in argument and strategy, Jim was more practical and Spartan, something of a Wellington to Stoker's Napoleon, or Montgomery to his Rommel (before people flame calling me a Nazi, Rommel, whatever else he may be, was a great general, and also adamantly opposed Hitler on several occasions. He was also popular with people who repeatedly tried to kill Hitler. Before you flame, get half an idea what you're talking about. And for the record, Waterloo was Ney's fault, not Napoleon, and Rommel losing was the fault of A. Terrible german hygiene policies B. The moron who replaced him when he was out with dysentery and C. Hitler ordering him to not retreat, which I believe he actually went against by the end. ) His technician, third in command, and medical officer was a man named Theodore MacCaber, although he generally went by Doc. He was an innovative doctor, who had mistakenly transferred to a science and engineering school midway through his final year of med school. He'd quickly showed an aptitude for it, and was granted a scholarship before even finishing half a year. He shared a bit of Stoker's taste for the dramatic, and impracticality in planning, and was more the swing vote in most of Stoker and Jim's disputes. Then there was Boom. Boom was a former spy who had been burned for blowing too much random shit up. Nobody was entirely sure what he did now, but they were certain it involved explosives. Part of the reason that Stoker remained half sane in his teammate's eyes was that anyone looked normal when compared with Boom. Nobody even knew Boom's real name. He'd used a fake one ever since he was burned and refused to go by it except in actual business. The main reason he was in the group was that Stoker took anyone who could reasonably hate twilight. The main reason he was trusted was because no one in their right mind would send Boom to infiltrate anything. And then there was Stoker. Stoker despised twilight quite possibly more than any other human being on the planet. His vendetta with it went beyond trekkie vs. Crusher, beyond France vs. England, even beyond (dare we say it) Red sox vs. Yankees. He was an expert on non twilight supernatural creatures and took every opportunity to point out flaws in twilight. He got many. Just out of spite he'd started calling himself Stoker and the name caught on. Stoker, along with Jim, who'd wanted to get pictures of it for laughs, and Doc, who figured it was a decent excuse to go to the nearby radio shack to look at the new smart phones, and 2 people he'd recruited in the middle of the mall who apparently had nothing better to do, had stood in front of the local mall-installed AMC theatres to protest the release of new moon. He was nearly trampled to death by twilight fans rushing to the ticket booths. Then one of them noticed his sign (Don't give in to this sacrilege: fight twilight!) called the others and they proceeded to beat him with their copies of the book which they had brought to the movie release for hell knows why. Movie Vs. Book canon comparison happens faster that way? Perhaps they expected protestors and wanted something to beat them with? But seriously, trekkies didn't bring their Wrath of Khan dvds or novelizations to the new star trek movie. Jim got some fairly good pictures. Then they yelled "Old man Wilkinson!" and proceeded to flee because Old Man Wilkinson was coming. Stoker had spent a week in the hospital brushing up on his Dracula, Shakespeare, Conan-Doyle and Hugo. Together, these 4 formed a group so lose, so pointless, and so divided that one could barely tell it was a group in the first place.

Back to the meeting. Jim dismissed Stoker's theory as total crap, Doc noted that the 2 had been saying like far too much, and Boom, predictably, suggested that they, quote "burn them to hell." Boom generally provided the truly crazy ideas, ranging all the way from burning any library that carried twilight, to stealing a nuke and detonating it in the author's home town. These were unanimously rejected in 4 seconds flat. It would be 2, but they were usually too stunned at his madness to react at a normal rate. After this, the meeting slowly descended into it's usual ending state, which consisted of Stoker and Jim exchanging furious points, Doc trying to keep them off each other, and Boom yelling disturbing things in the background. Back to the important part of the story, which takes place later in the day. Doc ran up looking very excited. "Stoker! I just invented the absolute most pointless thing ever! It's amazing what you can do when you're mind numbingly bored." Stoker, who was used to Doc dragging him off to see inventions which rarely worked and did anything interesting at the same time, tried to make an excuse, but was dragged along. Stoker didn't enjoy hurting his friends, and Doc had some kind of energy surge when he invented stuff. Stoker's expectations were fairly low after the book-clock fiasco, which made Doc's new, actually somewhat functional and interesting venture all the more stunning. It didn't look like much at first, just a hunk of metal. But then Doc turned it on and transported both of them into Peter Pan. We shall try to avoid telling of the entire venture here, perhaps later. Let it suffice to say that they accidently killed Steve the happy pirate before he could do anything. Doc glanced at the cover of his book, which Steve had formerly factored into significantly. Steve was gone. Doc flipped through it. It was actually a good book now without the literature world's Jar Jar Binks in it. You have likely never heard of Steve the happy pirate, and that is because he no longer exists due to Stoker and Doc playing with the literary world. If Stoker had been a cartoon character, it wouldn't have been a coincidence that Doc had turned on his bare lightbulb to read at the exact moment that Stoker got an idea, thus making a lightbulb appear above his head. "Doc" Stoker said quickly and excitedly "In theory, could we destroy an entire book this way?" Doc looked confused and terrified at the concept of destroying literature, but then remembered he was talking to Stoker, which telegraphed what Stoker meant. "I'll get the others and your vampire hunting kit." He replied. Doc really did dislike twilight, although not with the passion that Stoker did, and hey, he owed it to him for killing Steve. Doc had always hated Steve almost as much as Stoker hated twilight. Even as an 8 year old he'd considered the character shallow, 1 dimensional, stupid and irritating, and yet he shaped Captain Hook's glorious victory over Peter Pan. Then Doc had another idea. He skipped to the end. Peter was alive. Doc did a bell kick. Stoker mistook it for joy at the concept of a twilight free world. "No need to get the kit." He said "As a habit I pick up some garlic whenever I go through a kitchen, ships galley included, as you know I always carry a stake, and my sheath can actually morph into a crossbow with a few other elements that I keep on my person. And then, I always wear a silver cross just to piss off twihards." Doc hadn't known it went as far as the crossbow sheath, and he'd forgotten about going through the galley, the cross was hard to miss, even if it wasn't a religious statement but a vampire deterrent, they'd all known he carried a stake, but seriously? A compact crossbow? Doc shook it off. It fit Stoker's character perfectly. Doc called Jim, who got there right away to see if he could keep Stoker in check, and Boom, who he tricked into thinking he had his explosives cache by mistake. We said crazy, not smart. Boom got there first, but Doc occupied him with a collage of action movie explosions that he'd created specifically for the purpose. When Jim got there, knowing that he would protest such a drastic measure, Stoker, without even looking up from Hound of the Baskervilles, flipped the activation switch. The swiftness of the maneuver prevented objections being voiced and launched Stoker on what may be the final phase of his life's mission: Destroying twilight once and for all.