Dear Joseph,
The last week has been one of the happiest of my life and I wish I could show you exactly how I feel about you. I'm sorry for all the hurt that I've caused and for pushing you away when I needed you the most.
I know that you understand the way my mind works better than anyone I've ever known so I also know that it won't come as a shock to you when you find out what I've done. You'll be angry and that's okay, I don't expect you to take this lying down.
Take heart, Joseph and know that I have never felt more loved than in your company. Yes, even when you drag me along to your tedious operas! I once told you that I hated it but I can safely say now: I was lying, not to you but to myself. The productions go over my head but that isn't the point...what I'm trying to say is...those moments with you are worth everything I've ever suffered. I lived for those moments.
I can't explain what you mean to me and I don't fully understand what you've ever seen in me. I am the 'bitch,' the 'cow,' the one that everybody hates...I demean others but it is them who have the last laugh. They say I would step on anybody to get what I want but that isn't true, not any more. I wouldn't step on you.
In answer to your question yesterday, I will just say that I am so happy to have known you and to have been your friend, no, your lover. Because I love you, Joseph, completely and absolutely love you. And I wish that was enough.
I know you'll cry when you read this and, if you've made it this far, the tears will be streaming down that handsome face of yours. They'll drop from the end of your stubble and dampen the words I'm writing here. You are the most sensitive man I've ever had the pleasure of associating with, the most honest and the most kind. I did not deserve to spend the last week of my life with someone as good as you.
I don't want pity, I don't want regret and above all I don't want people making me out to be someone that I'm not. I know that I haven't led a blameless life and I know that I am not a good person. I know all of these things and I am not proud of who I am. I threw myself into my work because I thought it would help. A stopped heart is something akin to my own. Yet my heart keeps beating even though the blood that pumps it is as cold as the ice in your drink.
You'll forgive me, Joseph, if I allow myself a few words for the others I've hurt:
To Elliot, I say you are the most gifted surgeon I have ever had the pleasure to work under and thank you for teaching me all that you know. I'm sorry that I did not learn humility as well.
To Sacha, you were there for me when no one else was. I will never forget you or your stupid jokes.
Finally, to my darling daughter, Emma: I am so very, very sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed me most. Not a day goes by when I don't think of you and what I should have done. I'll be with you again in just a short while so don't cry because mummy's coming. Don't cry...
I'll end this letter by saying what I've always meant to. Thank you, Joseph. Thank you for everything and please, don't blame yourself. What I do now is through no fault of yours and I hope you won't think me selfish for leaving you alone once more. It seems that we never were destined to live happily ever after. Well, not me at least.
Jac
