Apparently most trans kids are a bit more gradual than I was in developing gender-appropriate interests. But to hear my mom tell it, one day out of nowhere I just started insisting I was a girl, despite being perfectly comfortable as a boy the day before. I don't remember EVER being comfortable getting called a boy. But to be fair, I don't remember a lot of things about my early childhood. I see pictures of me on the wall, and I recognize my face, but for the life of me I don't remember that camping trip, or that preschool teacher, or what I apparently used to call "the best day of my whole life."
My parents have reminded me why I called it that, but honestly I don't remember a single second of it. Which sucks because it sounds like I was having one hell of a good time, but I don't think I've ever been that happy in my LIFE. Sometimes I think my parents must be making it up, but when I see that look in their eyes, I'm sure they're not. They're crushed that I don't remember. Like that special time we had together wasn't important. I'm sure it was… I just wish I could remember…
Sometimes it feels like this life I'm living isn't really my own.
I hear them talking sometimes, about the day my eyes changed. How we all woke up and everything was normal except for ME. It wasn't something tangible, it was my expressions, my way of moving, like there was a different person behind my eyes, and I've never been their same happy kid since.
They love me but I'm kind of a disappointment.
I've had a few tests for brain damage. Guess they were wondering if this change was brought on by a fucking stroke or something. Unfortunately, we had no baseline scan from before it happened, but so far everything's shown up normal.
I might like to add that my brain's a bit BETTER than normal. I'm usually too busy sweeping the school of its academic awards to hang out with the other kids my age. They don't get me anyway, and frankly I don't find them all that interesting. Except as test subjects, when the occasion arises.
My parents sometimes worry about me not having friends. But they're proud of my accomplishments. "She's got a Holt brain," they say.
I know they still love me.
