Title: Weakness (1 of 2)
Pairing: Lila/Reid
Series Information: 18 of LR DB Section. Following the two parts of Ghost.
Rating: Meh.
Summary: While Lila's in California, Reid has a bad case. (Episode 3rd Life)
Author's Notes: So last night I posted a story, Necessary, while I was very sleepy and I forgot to check what I actually copy and pasted. I swear it was the actual story but…when I checked today it seemed to actually be the second part of Ghost and because I didn't close my laptop before my midterm, my computer updated and restart while I was taking my test, making me lose the ACTUAL story of Necessary. So… instead of rewriting that… we'll just… write something else, I guess.
Author's Notes (Part Two): See after chapter.
JJ takes him home after the case ends. She's worried about him. He can tell by the way she keeps glancing over at him while she drives. She walks him up to the door, coming in with him. She's silent though. He offers her a drink but she declines and he assumes that she's not going to stay for long. Just wants to make sure he's okay before she goes home and calls Will. She thinks they don't know about that and maybe the other team mates don't, but he sees the smiles she gets when she takes secret phone calls. He knows that look. He gets himself a glass of water before drinking some in the kitchen. He hasn't ate since the scene in the bathroom. He can't bring himself to. He feels nauseous still. He pours out most of the water back into the sink, leaving the glass out in case he decides to re-use it before moving back into the living room.
"I'm going to go to bed. Thank you for driving me home." He says and she nods again. He doesn't see her out, walking to the bedroom. Once the door is closed, he leans against him. Everyone's eyes have been on him since they found him, waiting for him to break or worse. Lila was right. They all knew. They all knew and they were watching him to make sure that he didn't grab a vial of Dilaudid or Morphine or whatever he could get his hands on and shoot it through his veins. It made him sick. He was a federal agent. He had been on this team for almost five years. He could handle someone dying in front of him. He had killed just as many people as everyone else on the team. He had been through things they might not even be able to imagine and survived. He could handle this.
And yet, the images flash through his mind, the boys look on his face before the large gauge bullet slammed through his head. The girl at her father's side, telling him to kill. Kill him, Daddy, Kill him. He had murdered that kid and then they walked away. No justice for the unsub. He didn't say anything like that to his team though. He shouldn't be siding with the bad guys. He shouldn't still mourn the loss of Tobias Hankel, feel the guilt for ending his life. They had both caused damage, hurt people that did nothing to deserve such pain. Buddhists would call it kharma, but he wasn't Buddhist. He was an agent. He was supposed to put the bad people into a system that decided where they should go, It wasn't his place or that father's place to decide their fate. It wasn't up to them to make the life and death decisions unless it was a life or death decision. Spencer knew he had to kill Phillip Dowd. He was going to kill him and Hotch, all those people in the ER. He had to kill Charles Hankel's personality in Tobias' body. He had to. He had to, he repeated, trying to make his killings right. Jack Vaughn was not in danger. Lindsey was going to be okay and yet, he had looked at that boy and shot him for nothing but revenge.
He's pulled away from his thoughts at his lover's name.
"I don't know what all he tells you, Lila. It was just a hard case."
There's a pause before JJ explains what happened. Another pause.
"Yeah, I can stay."
Even Lila thinks he's going to go out and use. Wonderful.
JJ laughs. "He would take baths."
He finds himself smiling through his annoyance. Lila knew his habits, his aftercase routine. He tried to push away the anger that he felt from her asking JJ to stay, telling himself that she was worried about him. If she was here, he would be telling her that he did want to use. That he did want to just grab whatever he could and shove in it his arm so he could forget, so he didn't have to think that he had failed another person. She was right to worry. They were all right to worry and the thought made him feel even more disappointed in himself and the craving to use even more strong.
"No, I understand. We all have our thing. I just wanted to call you and let you know that he's safe and we're home. I'm sure he'll call you when he's ready to talk."
He smiles at JJ's words. She knew how important Lila was to him. She had welcomed the woman into their little family, filling her in. He knew that Lila would appreciate it. She worried about him so much. There was always a sound of relief in her voice when she heard that it was him, that he was home. She was scared of losing him. He thought about the look in her eyes at the hospital, the way her voice cracked when she told him she couldn't do this. He had never blamed her for leaving. He had been hurt and angry nut he had understood. He has seen the strains of Hotch and Haley's marriage because of the job. He had seen the tired look in Fran Morgan's eyes. This job took so much out of everyone around them. And yet, she had been there for him, regardless of her fears. Willing to put them aside for them. What did that mean? That she was willing to risk her happiness, her mental health for their relationship. He frowned at the thought. Was he hurting her by making her make such decisions? She had outright told him that she could not handle this and yet, he had continued to call, continue to bring her in because of his own selfishness and problems. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all, he realized. But he loved her. She loved him. Did that change things or did that make them worse? If he really loved her as much as he said he did, as much as he knew he did - then how could he continue to do the things he was doing, if he knew she didn't really want them. The thoughts made him sick. He didn't want to think about this anymore. He didn't want to think at all. He just wanted to lay in the bed and sleep until all of his insecurities were gone, all the fears were eased, until everything was just better. But he knew he couldn't sleep. Nightmares would cloud his subconscious for weeks. There was only one thing that could ease the pain.
He opened the door to see JJ on the couch, legs crossed an arm resting on her knee, lips against her knuckles as she stared aimlessly. She looks his way as he makes his way across the living room to the door.
"Where you going?"
"Nowhere."
"Spence." She moves in front of the door. "What are you doing?"
She gives him a look so similar to Lila's 'I know what you're thinking and you better stop thinking it' glare that it stops him in his tracks. "I just need some air, JJ."
"You don't need anything but sleep, alright? Now go to bed and I won't tell Lila about this."
He stares her down. "You don't understand."
"Not a clue, but I know that when this stops hurting so much, you'll realize that you made a big mistake that you can't take back. It's not worth it."
He knows she's right. He swallows difficultly. "I…"
JJ digs through her purse before pulling out a pill bottle. "Look, these are over the counter sleep aids. There non-addictive, so you'll be okay, I promise. Just take one and go lay down. When you wake up, take a bath, realize that this is not worth throwing you sobriety away for and then call your girlfriend. Go to a meeting or something. You'll feel better.
He looks at the pill she places in his hand. The irony that she's giving him medications in exchange of not going to get high isn't lost on him and he looks back up at her. He hasn't even taken Advil since he's been clean and now he's in-between stepping out the door, calling his dealer for a vial of whatever he's got or taking a sleeping pill and following JJ's instructions.
"What if I don't?" He asks but takes the pill regardless.
Author's Note (Part deux): Okay, I just wanted to make this clear because as I was writing, even I though. "Oh god, JJ, bad idea." And I still think it is, but I think that in that situation, she figured it was better than the other choice (and it definitely is, I agree) She is trying to help him and his sobriety. She is not trying to hurt him! And No, he is not going to get addicted to sleeping meds now, I swear. Please don't send me "Omg, JJ is such a bitch" reviews. If you really want to discuss her choice, PM me and we'll talk about it.
