"Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I've taken for granted."

Sylvia Plath


Now and Now


His bones are weary, aching with it, and when the sun creeps up and touches his face he growls and rolls over in bed. A couple of nights ago in the shower he got a little bit too enthusiastic with the dancing and slipped, narrowly avoiding bringing his wife down with him. His shoulder had smacked into the wall, feet careening for precious, lovely traction and he had seen the flash go off. Seen Kate's face captured forever in horror, arms halfway to reaching for him before he managed to right himself.

Since then, he's been feeling it. Silent in his hurt, of course, because it's humiliating to admit even to himself exactly how it happened. He's old now, old enough that he can't bounce back the way he might have done ten years ago. Twenty.

Rolling over must have alerted his wife to his awakeness, because her fingers sift through his hair and down, settling at his shoulder. Kate leans in close, snuggling up to him, and she whisper-sings in that sexy voice. Sings him the whole song, and he can't help but scoop her up and cradle her to his chest when she's finished. Something timeless, almost mournful, about the way she sings that makes him want to soothe.

"Thank you. What a wonderful way to start the day."

She laughs, wriggling her way out of his grip and reaching over to the nightstand. "We'll do gifts later with everyone, but I wanted to give you this in private."

Rick arches an eyebrow at her and lets the leer go slip-sliding across his face. It's unlikely that this private thing is something inappropriate, but he can never quite tell with Kate. Arranging himself to sit against the headboard, he tangles the fingers of one hand with hers and holds out the other to accept whatever she's giving him.

It's an envelope, a card, and he raises their joined hands to his lips to kiss her skin before he lets her go. He'll need two hands for this. Rick slides a fingertip underneath the flap, but the tension rolling off his wife has him pausing and turning to look at her.

She's smiling, but she's a little bit green around the edges and he sets the card down in his lap and reaches for her instead. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." She nods, blowing out a long breath and lifting his hand to her mouth, her lips dusting his knuckles like a ghost touch. "Just. . .open it?"

"Right."

He hurries; Kate doesn't look like she can survive much more anticipation. Rick slides the card free from its envelope and turns it over. For a moment it doesn't register at all. He sees the blue background and the white font, sees the happy birthday of it, and his brain skims over the rest. A glance to his wife's face has him rereading it though, the gnaw of her bottom lip clueing him in that there's something he isn't seeing.

And then he reads it. Properly. Rick gasps, his breath losing its footing on the way up his throat, and he turns to stare at her. "Are you- this isn't. . .an April fools?"

"Not a prank." She says quietly, her body hesitant and held carefully away from his, like she isn't sure of his reaction. How can she not be sure?

"I love you." He gasps, half-falling into her until he can get his mouth against hers, one hand curved over her jaw and the other low down at her belly, already feeling the phantom kick. "Kate."

And then she's laughing against his mouth, her fingers covering his own at her stomach. "I found out a couple days ago. I wanted to tell you right away, but this was too good an opportunity to miss."

"I'm glad you waited. This is even better than the fake murder."

"I blew your mind?" She hums, legs stretching out underneath the covers to tangle with his. Her body is so warm, soft and pliant, and he creeps his way underneath her sleep shirt to feel the heat of her bare skin.

He presses a last kiss to the tremendous thud of her pulse, her neck rippling under the touch of his mouth, and then he lets himself be arranged next to her. Kate rolls to pillow herself at his side, a leg thrown over his and her cheek adorably squished above his heart.

"You really did."

Castle shifts, and the sharp corner of the card pokes him in the side, down at the soft underbelly of him. He grunts, leaning away from it, and the press of Kate against his chest distracts him for a long moment before he frees the card from under him.

"You didn't even open it." Kate laughs, nuzzling her nose just underneath his ear.

Stroking his fingertips over the front of the card, Rick kisses the crown of her head and snakes a hand down to rest at her stomach again. He's quite sure that she'll get very annoyed very quickly with all of the touching everyone will want to do, but for now she sighs and curls up a little closer against him.

It hasn't really hit him yet. Happy birthday to the best daddy in the whole wide world ever! his card says, and it's socking him in the gut over and over again. He's going to be a dad again. He's having a baby with Kate Beckett, and it's like Christmas and his birthday all rolled up into a supernova of awesome. Well, it is his birthday. The best one ever.

Rick opens up the card to his wife's lovely cursive, his smile fireworking when he sees that she signed it love from bump. He chuckles, splaying his fingers over her stomach as if in protection. Already so fiercely in love with the flutter of life in Kate's belly. "No bump yet."

"No, but I wasn't going to sign it 'love from Cosmo'. Never gonna happen," she laughs, torquing her neck to look at him. It can't be comfortable, but her smile is soft and happy and she seems so at peace. Not a shred of the anxiety he would have thought this not-entirely-planned pregnancy would bring her.

"How did this happen?"

"Well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much." She trails off, rolling onto her stomach and propping her chin on his sternum to smirk at him.

He knows it's a joke, knows she's teasing, but he's too awed to volley it back to her. "That's us, Kate. Mommy and Daddy."

"Yeah," she breathes, her smile ebbing away into something more serious. Something more fitting for the gravity of this sea change in their lives. "Wow. That's. . .amazing."

"You're amazing." He's grinning, like a loon he's sure, but she's carrying his child and it's his birthday and he would like a free pass to be as sappy as he wants today, please. "But what I meant was, we were being careful. And I know we've made comments here and there, but we haven't even had a proper conversation about it, never mind agreed to start trying."

Her face falls, all of the joy slipping down like the melting of a waxwork. "Are you- do you not want?"

"Not what I meant," he says quietly, making sure she knows the truth of it. "That conversation we didn't have? It would have been me telling you there's nothing I want more in the world than kids with you. But Kate, the captain's exam. You wanted to find a new challenge."

She laughs, shaking her head so the hard bone of her chin grinds into his sternum. "Castle. I wanted something that would be a challenge, but that wouldn't compromise what I already have, wouldn't mean leaving you behind. A baby is. . .exactly that."

"A baby," he murmurs, stroking a finger over the shell of her ear. He gets it on a factual level, that Kate is pregnant, but he can't seem to equate that knowledge with understanding. By the end of the year, they'll have a baby. It's unbelievable, too amazing to be true.

"You look a bit shell-shocked."

"I feel it. I can't believe this is my life. How did I get so lucky?"

Kate touches two fingers to the corner of his mouth, just resting, and her lips brush his chest over the material of his t shirt. "You more than deserve it. Happy birthday, Rick."


"Hey guys!" Kate beams, tugging the front door open wide to let the whole merry party of their extended family spill inside. Immediately, Lanie is exclaiming and heading to embrace Martha before she's even all the way out of her coat. It's been a while since the two have seen each other, and Kate stifles a grin in the palm of her hand at their effervescence now.

The boys and Jenny are a little quieter, but no less delighted. Kate feels the phantom of her husband at her back and then a hand curves over her shoulder, the other reaching out to take everyone's coats. He disappears again to pile them onto the couch in his office, and before Kate knows what's happening her arms are full of a squirming, giggly fourteen month old.

Sarah Grace is such a sweet little thing, seems to have inherited all of her father's easy nature, and she curls up in Kate's arms and splays tiny, starfish fingers at the peek of her aunt's clavicle from under her shirt. Jenny casts a glance over at them, visibly relaxing once she sees that her little girl is happy, and Kate wonders if this is what it will be like.

Constant vigilance. Her entire orbit shifted to accommodate this new tiny person that grew inside her. For the first time, the idea isn't terrifying. She welcomes it, all of it, and the weight of the baby in her arms now only confirms how ready she is.

How fiercely she wants it already.

Castle returns from his office, but instead of joining the throng of people in the kitchen he comes to her. It makes her realise with a start that she's still all the way over by the door, entirely separated from everyone they love. Even her father, usually as much of a pariah as Kate herself can be, is in the thick of it. Helping Alexis to make sure everyone's got a drink, and it warms her bones to see it. These Castles and their determined, vibrant love.

Her husband leans in to brush a kiss first to her cheek and then to the crown of their niece's head, murmuring a greeting to the little one. Sarah Grace beams at her uncle, reaching up to touch his face, and he pretends to chew on her little fingers just to encourage an eruption of giggles from her.

"You okay?" He's always so aware of her, so eager to make sure she's comfortable, and a wave of pure and beautiful adoration wanders through her, taking its time in the clutch of her heart.

She smiles, turns her head to kiss his mouth, and with the baby between them it's just. . .everything. "I'm great."

"And we're not announcing anything yet, right?"

Guilt churns in her gut at that, but it's the right decision. Even if he is so desperate to share his delight in the expansion of their family with the people they love. "Not until we've been to see the OBGYN. Not until we know everything's okay."

"I'm sure it will be." His voice is rich with certainty, with his absolute faith that everything will always turn out to be amazing for them. And it terrifies her, how much they both love this child already. How much it will hurt if anything happens. She doesn't have a chance to dwell on it, because Castle presses another kiss to her mouth and takes her hand in his. "Now, as much as I would like to keep you all to myself, I think we should probably go and join the others."

Kate nods, squeezing his fingers, and she walks with him over to the kitchen. Alexis clamours for Sarah Grace and Kate passes the baby into the girl's arms, content to see how good she is with the little one. It's something else that worries her - Alexis is twenty one now and what if she doesn't even want a sibling - but Kate forces it back.

Focuses instead on the presence of everyone she loves here in this room, the light and the laughter and the lovely thrum of a secret shared in every look that passes between her and her husband.


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