Praise for "The Autobiography of a Mary Sue":

"A witty and bold masterpiece!" –The Daily Prophet

"...a story about a Mary Sue by a Mary Sue…OR IS IT?" –The Quibbler

"Provocative, humorous and beautiful…Ms. Sue has spun yet another blazingly articulate tale." –The Merlin Tribune


The Autobiography of a Mary Sue


Unrealistic, narcissistic, unusual… These are the words with which people often describe me. They call me shallow and egocentric; they turn their noses up at me when they see me walk by. And I know why. They—those outsiders—look on to my life with a blurry lens…they see me as a different, extraordinary being with all my unique qualities, and call me superficial. I call them hypocrites. How dare them—when they themselves brusquely paper over all the bumps of my life and conclude that I'm superficial. If they took the time to study me more carefully, they would find me to be quite the contrary. And that is why I have set out to write this autobiography; to set the record straight and dispel these horrific stereotypes that have developed about my kind. Yes—we are a kind. Almost a race, really. And the prejudices that have spread and manifested themselves in society have completely stigmatized us—particularly in the field of literature, where the so-called educated readers cringe when they find my personality adorning an original character in a story. Now, without further adieu let me invite you to sit back and enjoy this narrative, as I try my best to outline the numerous experiences that have fit themselves into my short life of sixteen years. I most sincerely hope that my account will shed some light onto your perception of the race of women that you have come to know as Mary Sue.

Before I delve into the depths of my life, let me first lay the foundation of this story and give you a description of my physical characteristics. They are, no doubt, the drops of glue that hold my personality together, the thin strands that weave the story of my life. I am a petite girl, holding myself up to a modest five feet and two inches. I have large, almond-shaped violet eyes that tend to twinkle even more mystically than Dumbledore's did. My long, luscious locks of black hair fall a few inches past my tanned shoulders, and I've charmed them into staying that length permanently. I would never dream of taking on a length longer or shorter than what I've already got. I'm also fairly thin—not too thin, of course. When people hear that I'm Mary Sue, they always assume I'm paper thin, but I'm not. I too have curves, you know. Fortunately, they're all in the right places—I mean, if they weren't, I would probably have to start exercising to stay a size 0...

I am also extremely fit. On the surface, this may seem to correspond right with the generalizations made about my kind, but allow me to pull you under the surface that you skim over; I am fit because I have worked for fitness. As I implied earlier, I do not exercise regularly. I do however, play quidditch, and I believe it is this factor that contributes to my excellent shape. While riding on a broom for a couple of hours does not bring an individual to break a sweat, it is a truth universally acknowledged that playing quidditch gives the appearance of healthy form. And it makes sense, if you look at all those quidditch players like the oh-so-burly Oliver Wood, Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, or the late Cedric Diggory, to name a few. Any girl who has attended Hogwarts with them can attest to observing how those quidditch players always fill out in all the right places. While I do not play for the team (that four-eyed Harry Potter has held onto the position of seeker since his first year, and as that is my ideal position, I see no point in trying out), I do play regularly, thus reiterating my argument that I am not naturally in perfect form, as many of my critics claim.

Let me now digress into matters that seem trivial to the outsider, but very important to me—my attire. This is another area in which people tend to make assumptions about me. Let me begin by saying that I do not sport trendy clothes around the clock. Just like all normal people, I too like to slip into sweats from time to time. It's not my fault though that I always look good in what I'm wearing…that's probably where the stereotypes about Mary Sues always dressing 'cool' started. We just always look good…even in crappy clothes. I wish people would just get over it. Now, when I do want to make an impression, I prefer muggle clothes to robes. They just look so much better, and there's much more variety too. Now, I tend to pair my tops with hip-huggers. They're just so flattering. I don't really wear skirts, unless of course they fall above my knees. In terms of tops, I don't really have any particular style that I stick to…pretty much anything that hugs my figure. I mean, what's the point of having curves in all the right places if no one is going to see them? I especially love to wear things with spikes or studs in them—or anything that can make me look punk to the untrained eye. Oh, I do have one particular favorite though: tank tops…especially at the start of term, when I'm ready to board the Hogwarts Express. Tank tops are the best way to go when you want to show everyone how much your body has changed over the summer; so that paired with one of my faded blue jeans is my back-to-school outfit, year after year.

Another misconception about Mary Sues is that we all have exotic backgrounds and names that can be found in Greek or Latin dictionaries or in constellations. This can immediately dispelled upon hearing about my own background. First off, I do not have any rare name like Alere or Lyra; my name is simply Mary Sue. And my ethnic background is as bland as the next person's. While I have been living in Britain since I started Hogwarts, I was actually born and raised in America. Nothing exotic about that…I'm an American with an American accent who moved to Britain at age ten because I was raped. (Another story for another chapter, I'm afraid.) But nonetheless, I have no exotic blood in me, except the French bit that comes from my mother, the Lebanese bit from my father, and the Malaysian bit from two of my grandparents…but that's about it, really.

You have now acquainted yourself with some of the details of my physical and other outward characteristics, and in the following chapters you will explore a world that until now has been entirely my own, but will presently become a communal one for the purposes of dissolving those pejorative notions that have for too long plagued the Mary Sues of our society.