EXT. STRIP MALL - DAY
ANN, a frumpy 25-year-old woman in an overcoat, stands in the
parking lot of a large strip mall, taking in the grand sight
of the tacky storefronts. With a deep breath, she starts
walking up to one.
A man, JOE, sets up a "25% Off Sale!" standee in front of a
store named Joe's Music Corner. He notices Ann approaching
and eagerly turns to her.
JOE
Hi there, miss! Here for a new
guitar?
ANN
Oh, no thank you, I'm actually
going to The Shade Shed.
Joe looks over at The Shade Shed, a store half the size of
all the others on the strip.
JOE
The Shade Shed?!
Ann nods.
ANN
Uh-huh. I'm interviewing Chris
Teale for Business Maniac Weekly.
JOE
No one ever goes to that place.
You should interview me. My store
is way more successful.
ANN
But Mister Teale is so mysterious,
and I'm strangely drawn to him for
some inexplicable reason.
JOE
But I sell amplifiers.
ANN
I'll keep that in mind.
Ann walks past Joe.
JOE
Like us on Facebook!
INT. THE SHADE SHED
Ann enters. The walls are lined with sunglasses on display
racks. The reception desk sits unattended, covered with
paper airplanes. A few feet in front of the desk is a card
table with a bedsheet draped over it.
ANN
H-hello?
CHRIS, a 28-year-old man in a cheap suit, pokes his head out
from under the sheet.
CHRIS
Tina! Fort Chris needs a flag!
He notices Ann.
CHRIS
Oh f-
His retreats back under the sheet.
CHRIS (O.S.)
Tina! Tinaaa!
TINA, a twentysomething secretary, emerges from a back room,
carrying a trash bag filled with empty aluminum cans.
TINA
You seriously drink too much
caffeine, Chris.
She sees Ann.
TINA
Oh!
Tina drops the trash bag and hurries to the reception desk.
TINA
Hello! Um...what do you want?
ANN
I'm...Ann Copper. I'm here to
interview Mister Teale?
TINA
Okay...well...uh...
CHRIS (O.S.)
(whispering)
"Mister Teale is in an important -"
TINA
Mister Teale is in an important
meeting!
Chris crawls out from behind the bedsheet-adorned card table,
scrambling on his hands and knees to the back room, where the
sound of rustling cans then emanates from.
TINA
Please have a seat and you'll be
notified when he's ready to see
you.
Ann looks around.
ANN
There...aren't any chairs.
TINA
Please lean against a counter and
you'll be notified when -
CHRIS (V.O.)
(from desk intercom)
Tina.
TINA
(to intercom)
Yeah, Chris - I mean, sir?
CHRIS (V.O.)
I've never used an intercom before.
Am I doing it right?
TINA
I think so, sir.
CHRIS (V.O.)
Cool! Intercoms are awesome!
The intercom goes silent for a long, awkward moment.
CHRIS (V.O.)
Hey Tina.
TINA
Yes, sir?
CHRIS (V.O.)
Is that one girl still there?
TINA
Yes, sir.
CHRIS (V.O.)
You should tell her to come into my
office now.
TINA
Yes, sir.
(to Ann)
Um, go in?
INT. OFFICE
Ann takes one step in and immediately trips and falls over
the empty energy-drink cans that litter the floor.
ANN
Oh no! I'm so clumsy! I -
She looks up. Chris is standing behind his desk, obliviously
staring out a large window, the view from which is completely
obstructed by the solid brick wall of an adjacent building.
CHRIS
(to himself)
Why is there a window here?
ANN
Hello?
CHRIS
Could just wall this up.
ANN
(louder)
It sure is embarrassing what just
happened to me!
CHRIS
Hang a nice Bob Ross painting.
ANN
I fell on the floor!
Chris turns to Ann.
CHRIS
Oh! I'll buzz Tina on the intercom
to come help you!
Ann shoots to a stand.
ANN
No! That's okay! I wouldn't want
anything to disturb this...private
meeting.
CHRIS
Is there anything I can do for you
that involves me talking on the
intercom?
ANN
No.
CHRIS
(disappointed)
Okay.
Chris cracks open a Red Bull and starts chugging it. Ann
sits down on a folding chair set up in front of his desk.
ANN
It's just nice to sit down.
CHRIS
(between chugs)
Yeah, that chair and the card table
out front have to go back to my dad
in an hour. He's got a big poker
game today, so you'd better make
this quick.
Chris stares off wistfully.
CHRIS
Fort Chris shall be torn asunder.
ANN
Ooh, so your family is important to
you? Would you like to start your
own family? Maybe with a woman?
CHRIS
Is this part of the interview?
ANN
Oh, no. Wait, I have those
questions right here.
Ann takes out her iPhone and reads from it.
ANN
Okay, question one. Up until last
year you were the most prominent
seller of sunglasses in downtown
Seattle. Will you take me out to
dinner -
Chris finishes his Red Bull and throws the empty can across
the room.
CHRIS
I'm still the biggest sunglass
seller!
ANN
Okay.
CHRIS
Those bastards at Twilight Eyes
sell tinted contact lenses! Those
aren't sunglasses at all! They're
contacts that make you look like
those creepy black-eyed kids that
always hang out with Bigfoot!
ANN
Oh my, you're so angry and manly.
It's intimidating.
CHRIS
The only reason I had to move to a
smaller location is because
customers are stupid. Make sure
you put that in the interview.
Customers are stupid.
ANN
Mmm, yes, sir.
CHRIS
That'll get them to shop here
again.
ANN
Mmm-hmm.
CHRIS
You gonna write any of this down or
what?
ANN
I will later. Question two. What
do you do in your free time?
Chris smiles.
CHRIS
I'll show you, my dear.
He stands up and walks over to a closet door.
ANN
Ooh!
CHRIS
This is my top-secret room. I call
it...The Broom Closet.
He opens the door. Inside the cramped space is a hanging
microphone and a pile of recording equipment.
CHRIS
But as of this morning, it's...The
Sound Booth.
ANN
Oh...kay?
CHRIS
In this room...I plan to
record...my audiobook!
Chris grabs a stack of papers off the closet floor and holds
it up.
CHRIS
It's called "The Adventures of
Space Trek," and it will be the new
classic of our times!
ANN
"Space Trek"? That sounds like
"Star Tr-
CHRIS
It doesn't sound like anything!
It's my own totally original story!
Copyright Chris Teale registered
trademark patent pending!
ANN
Okay.
CHRIS
You have no idea how many Red Bulls
and Rock Stars it took to come up
with this masterpiece!
ANN
Well that's...sexy?
CHRIS
Also, don't put any of this in the
interview. It's a secret.
ANN
Then why are you telling me about
it?
CHRIS
Because...
Chris walks up to Ann.
CHRIS
...I want you to voice the
audiobook!
ANN
Me?! Why?!
CHRIS
Because you're the chosen one.
Chosen by me.
ANN
Holy crap! I can't believe this!
I'm not worthy!
CHRIS
I am Chris Teale and I command it
to be so!
Ann jumps out of her seat and excitedly bobs up and down.
ANN
Omigod omigod omigod...
CHRIS
You just have to sign my contract.
Chris reaches behind his desk and pulls out a placemat with
Ronald McDonald's face on it.
ANN
...omigod omig- Wait, that's a
placemat from McDonald's.
Chris holds the placemat up to Ann.
CHRIS
Sign the contract!
CUT TO:
Ann stands in the open doorway of the closet, the microphone
in her face.
ANN
I think I'm way too close to this
thing, Chris.
CHRIS
It adds to the realism.
ANN
How -
CHRIS
Now start reading.
ANN
These pages are all mixed up.
CHRIS
Just start reading. I'll fix it
later.
ANN
(reading)
"And so Birk and Splock set out to
heroically murder those asshole
aliens from planet Trilight Fies
with the help of their new best
friend Gris Deale."
A precariously-placed cardboard box tips off of a shelf above
Ann's head.
ANN
Oh crap!
She jumps out of the way as the box falls on the floor and
contact lenses spill out of it.
ANN
What's this?
CHRIS
I don't know. Hey, Gris Deale sure
is a badass, isn't he?
Ann reads some text on the box.
ANN
"Property of Twilight Eyes Custom
Contact Lenses." I knew it!
She throws off her overcoat, revealing a holstered handgun,
and holds up a police badge.
ANN
Ann Grabowski, SPD!
CHRIS
I thought you said your last name
was Copper - ohhh.
ANN
When Twilight Eyes was robbed, they
told me you had a grudge against
them, so here I am, and here you
are, under arrest!
CHRIS
I never robbed those assholes!
They probably framed me!
ANN
Yeah, yeah. Turn around and put
your hands behind your head. You
have the right to remain silen-
Tina falls through the ceiling and slams onto Chris's desk.
Several more boxes full of contact lenses follow her, hitting
the floor.
ANN
What the crap?!
CHRIS
Tina?
TINA
Goddamn cheap ceiling tiles!
Ann pulls Tina off the desk.
ANN
Ann Grabowski, SPD! Mind telling
me what's going on here?!
CHRIS
Tina? Were you framing me?
TINA
Yes!
CHRIS
Gasp!
TINA
But only because you're guilty of a
worse crime!
(to Ann)
Officer, arrest this man for
plagiarism!
ANN
What?
TINA
His stupid book is a total rip-off
of the great "Star Trek" fan
fiction "Gorn and Horta's Hot Night
in the Erogenous Zone," written by
"starlightdazzlegoddess94"!
ANN
Would "starlightdazzlegoddess94"
happen to be you?
TINA
M-maybe!
CHRIS
You read my book! It was a secret!
TINA
No one ever comes into this dump!
There's nothing to do here but go
through all the stuff you have in
your office!
CHRIS
Customers are stupid!
ANN
So you committed a robbery and
framed Chris for it, and now you
want me to arrest him for ripping
off a fan fiction you wrote?
TINA
Yes!
ANN
Uh-huh.
CUT TO:
EXT. STRIP MALL - LATER
Ann escorts a handcuffed Tina out of The Shade Shed.
ANN
You have the right to remain
silent. Anything you say can and
will be used against you -
Joe runs up.
JOE
Oh, you're a cop! Thank god. I
need your help.
ANN
What now?
JOE
I was just in my supply room and
saw that someone broke in and stole
my most expensive audio-recording
equipment!
Chris pokes his head out of the entrance door.
CHRIS
I was framed!
ANN
That's it!
Ann pulls her gun and aims at Chris, but is interrupted when
unseen trumpets start blaring.
ANN
The hell?
ALEX D. LINZ parachutes down holding a trophy depicting Max
Martini's head.
ALEX D. LINZ
Hi, I'm former child actor Alex D.
Linz, and I'm here to present all
of you with the Golden Taylor Award
for being the one-billionth parody
of "Fifty Shades of Grey"!
ANN
Holy crap!
JOE
Wow!
Chris runs out to join everyone.
CHRIS
We did it!
Tina casually flings off her handcuffs.
TINA
Yay!
A giant light grid reading "ONE BILLION!" rises up from the
roof of the strip mall as streamers rain down from the sky.
Alex D. Linz pops a bottle of champagne and sprays it
everywhere. Ann, Chris, Joe, and Tina cheer and gather
behind him.
EVERYONE
(singing)
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind...
ALEX D. LINZ
(to camera)
Happy new year, everybody!
THE END
