The End of the Beginning

Disclaimer: The characters of Ares, Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer belong to the syndicated television series Xena Warrior Princess.
Violence: No.
Sex: No.
Language: A few scattered minor words.
Summary: Ares says he loves Xena. Is it the end of a relationship or the beginning of a new one?

~~~~~ The End of the Beginning ~~~~~

Fierce triumph gleamed from his eyes as he raised his lips from hers. She opened her eyes — despair and defeat rapidly replaced by anger. His smile faded and his eyes settled into a more somber hue as he realized the battle was yet to come. So tired of the battles! Yet another seemed unavoidable. Bitterness clouded the brown depths as the realization fully hit him. "She is mine! Why won't she surrender to destiny? Why can't she?" From somewhere in the back of his mind came the traitorously whispered answer — "Because she doesn't surrender. You taught her that — reinforced it lesson after lesson. Never surrender — even unto the God of War himself."

His arms dropped from around her and he stepped back. Troubled brown eyes and turbulent blue ones locked as tempers rose.

"Damn him!" she thought in angry desperation. A flood of sensuous memories raged through her as she fought to regain control over herself and beat back the thoughts lurking in her conscience. Memories better left buried. Thoughts she shouldn't have.

Clashing confusions surged between them rendering a silence thick enough to cut.

"You know I love you! You believe. You know." spilled hoarsely from his lips.

"And I don't love you!" she ground out. "How can you love me? And why now? Why couldn't you love me when I needed you to love me? It's a trick — War can't love anything but its own devastation."

"Because the God of War couldn't love — not then. It was something that had to be learned."

"You said it was weakness to love. I buried my love; strangled it and locked it away where it couldn't hurt me." She turned her head and he could no longer see her eyes. "— where you couldn't hurt me," she whispered so low he nearly missed it.

"Xena...." He stepped forward again; his arms rose to enfold the dark haired beauty.

"Don't. Don't!" the whispered scream escaped as her head snapped around and she stepped back.

"You're... afraid?!" His brown eyes widened incredulously as they searched her ice blue ones. Xena? Afraid? The words didn't seem to go together; and yet —

Her mouth opened as her mind raced. She forced a laugh. "Afraid? Afraid of what? You? I don't think so." She turned her back and stepped a few paces away from him as much in restless energy as the need to move away from his proximity.

He listened — he heard. He heard the pain; the ragged desperate battle in herself as she believed and did not want to — too much blood under the bridge; too long guarding her heart against him. He sighed mentally and felt his own heart drop a notch with the realization. The tricks he had played to get her back. The times he hadn't been there to hold her. The times he had left her in pain, doubt and anger. Anger fled his continence though the frustration remained to be clouded with pity — pity for her, for him, for this situation for which there seemed to be no solution. "Damn it! — There has got to be a way!" he thought. Suddenly another thought dawned and his rage flared once more. He strode forward; his hand caught her arm and snatched her around to face him.

"You can't do this — I won't allow it," he growled.

She jerked her arm but his hold was tight. The northern lands were not colder than her voice as she flung her next words at him; "You won't allow? I do any thing I please. You, of all people, should know that by now."

"And you need to remember that I am not 'people'. You can't just avoid me, Xena."

Her mouth tightened and her eyes narrowed. How could he know?

His mouth jerked in a bitter smile. "But you will try. Yes, you will try. Do you think it will change things? You can lie — you can tell yourself you don't love me — you can tell me you don't love me; but your eyes give you away. Maybe I've been reading you too long, Xena. It doesn't matter. And it doesn't matter what shape you are in or where you are — I will find you.... And I won't stop coming until you can look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me; that you don't need me." He took a step back and vanished in an angry blue flash.

She stared at the spot where he had been and heaved a sigh from the depths of her soul. "I can't. I just can't," she whispered. She turned abruptly and walked away.


*********


Unnoticed, unseen in my invisibility, my shoulders sagged in defeat once more. Such painful lies. "But Xena," I whispered, "How can you not?"


*********


The camp was still and peaceful in the early dawn hours. Gabrielle still slept — a small smile on her face at the dream still with her. Joxer stirred and looked up to find the Warrior Princess smiling down at him. There was something about that smile — distracted, amused, sad, welcoming, and keeping him at a distance all at the same time. A small frown flickered briefly between his brows as he wondered what that was all about. He looked over at the petite blond bard still sleeping and let the troubled feeling wash from him with the look on her face. He got up and nodded a good morning to Xena, running a hand through his tousled hair as he stretched to let the morning air wake his tall wirey body. After a moment he knelt and rolled his blanket quickly to set it aside for the breaking of camp, then he rose and strode toward the stream.

Xena watched him thoughtfully for a moment then knelt beside the sleeping bard. "Hey," she said as she touched her arm, "time to get up." The bard groaned. "Already?" "Already," Xena chuckled. Gabrielle was not overly inclined to be generous toward mornings no matter what her beliefs toward people were. Gabrielle sat up, stretched and looked around her. "Where's Joxer?"

"He went towards the stream."

"Oh." She got up, flipped her blankets into a roll and reached for a pot. "You already got water."

"Yep," Xena winked with a grin, "For once I was thinking." The bard grinned back at her as she stirred the embers of last night's fire to flames once more.

Argo's head came up as Xena approached her with soft words of greeting. She nuzzled her mistress as though sensing the troubled spirit that Xena hid from the others. She pressed her soft muzzle to Xena's chest in the only form of hug she could give to the woman. Xena smiled as her fingers arranged Argo's forelock then stretched her arms for a brief hug of the mare. She stepped back, caught up a brush and moved to begin the strokes that would polish the already glistening golden coat. As she worked, her thoughts returned to Ares and the morning's encounter and a frown of concentration settled in her brows. She sighed heavily causing Argo to look around. "Nothing that concerns you girl," Xena grinned up at the mare as she patted her neck. Looking over her shoulder, she saw that Gabrielle had left camp for the moment and Joxer wasn't back yet.

Her gaze moved to the temple roof that could be seen over the trees. Demeter's temple — Goddess of the Earth, Agriculture, Fertility and Grain, whose daughter had fallen in love with Hades after he had kidnapped her and now spent 6 months of every year with each of the ones who loved her. Fall marked the time of Persephone's decent to stay with Hades for his six months — spring marked the time of her return to be with her mother. Not the most envied way of living a relationship, but the best that could be managed, Xena thought as she strolled toward the temple.

She stood for a moment in front of the temple. Hercules. Hercules was the one that had worked out the deal between the two gods that fought for Persephone. Hercules — the one who had unchained her heart and shown her that she could change her life. The first to believe in her when she had so much blood on her hands that it could never be washed away and her heart woke to tell her she just couldn't follow the conqueror path any more. Hercules — who had grown to love her in the brief time they had before she followed her own path — the half-brother of Ares.... she pushed the thought away.

Hercules... his father, the mighty Zeus of Olympus fell for mortal women on a semi-regular basis. Those he wanted, he took; going to extremes at times to cover up his indiscretions. Hera often tortured the object of his attentions in her frustration at not being able to take her anger out on the husband who was amused at her jealousy. Xena had a suspicion that Zeus enjoyed whipping up the passions of the Queen of the Gods as much as the intrigue of the associations. Not that Xena could really blame the goddess — she knew that she wouldn't be in the least pleased if the man she loved and married was cheating on her.

Then there were Athena, Artemis, Aphrodite.... married to Hephaestus. Who would have thought the beautiful, vain of her good looks Aphrodite would fall for someone as dark and worn looking as he? And yet the Goddess of Love fell and fell hard for the not-so-good-looking God of the Fire and Forge joining art and love forever. Aphrodite's son Cupid fell in love with a mortal woman — Psyche. Their story of romance and final union was the stuff of legends. A mortal woman who married a god. Which brought her back to... Ares, God of War — who claimed to love a mortal woman. She sighed heavily.

Everyone has a weakness; the God of War was hers. When he looked at her — when she looked deep into his brown eyes — she thought she would drown in the promises hidden there. And yet, what were they promises of? Conquest? Blood? Less? More? What did Ares want of her? What was she prepared to give? He said he loved her.... She had locked that door somewhere in her heart many years ago and vowed never to reopen it. She was in danger of forgetting that promise; all because he said he loved her. All it took was for him to whisper, "I love you," or lower his lips to hers and she was lost in a timeless struggle to save herself from from giving in to him and becoming everything he ever wanted her to be. Just the memory of his simplest touch sent a delicious surge racing through her. How much did he know of the temptations that tore her heart every time he appeared? Had she ever really locked it if she could feel them?

Her reverie broke off as she heard the slightest of rustlings; her name was called and she turned to see Gabrielle walking briskly toward her.

"What are you doing here?" Gabrielle asked in puzzled bemusement. "Thinking of becoming a follower of Demeter?" The bard grinned. "I don't know, Xena.... maybe you're losin' it."

Xena found herself grinning back at her other weakness. It was a welcome break from the musings that after all seemed to have no particular point to them. She shook her head. "No... I don't think so just yet," she drawled with humor.

"Are you ready to go? I've got everything packed."

"Yeah. Is Joxer ready?"

"Yeah — he's waiting by the horses." The women turned and began walking back toward camp before Gabrielle realized that Xena hadn't answered her question. "What were you doing at Demeter's temple anyway?" she asked.

Xena thought for a moment then shrugged. "I really don't quite know. I just kind of wandered over to have a look before I realized where I was headed."

"Oh." Xena could hear the puzzled questions behind the single word but she really had no more information to offer.


*********


Birds flew with light-hearted abandon in the glory of the spring morning. The horses plodded contentedly in the warming sun. Gabrielle chattered about the story she had been dreaming when Xena woke her that morning, not noticing the warrior's distraction as she answered the monolog with appropriately timed nods and exclamations.

"And then the God of War kissed her and she was bound to him for all eternity as his Chosen!"

Xena's head snapped around, "What?"

"I thought you were listening, Xena! Ares fell in love and bound his Chosen to him with a kiss!" she said in exasperation.

Xena frowned. "Gabrielle, you don't know the first thing about gods and their chosens. That's not how they bind their chosen and.... War can't love and therefore he wouldn't have a chosen — the whole idea is ludicrous."

"Yes I do! The gods choose one mortal that means more to them than life itself and bind them to them. The stories are as old as time! Even the God of War can have a Chosen — and does have one. Though I must admit," the bard said thoughtfully, "it does seem rather ironic. But many a battle has been fought for love, so why not?" She shrugged grinning.

"And who is this paragon that Ares chose for his?" Xena sneered.

"I don't know. I just remember that he took one years ago."

"Gabrielle — you don't know what you're talking about!" Xena growled as she halted Argo abruptly.

The others stopped with her. "Oh?" the bard gave Xena a superior smile. "It's written in the histories of the gods set down by Pillos himself! I know what I'm talking about Xena."

The dark haired warrior swallowed hard and prodded Argo forward once more. "No. You don't." she said flatly.

"And how would you know? You have some inside knowledge that the scroll writers are unaware of?"

The blue eyes flashed. "I might."

"And that would be?"

Xena looked around at the bard and crushed her unreasonably rising anger with a will of iron. "Nothing Gabrielle. I don't know anything." She faced forward again. "I'm going to scout ahead," she said as she touched her heels to Argo.

"What do you suppose has gotten into her?" a slack jawed Gabrielle asked Joxer. "I've spent my life learning the stories. She knows that."

Joxer looked thoughtfully after the departing warrior's back. "I don't know, Gabby. I just don't know."


*********


"You'll find out one of these days, Gabrielle. You'll find out." I smiled sadly as I closed the portal.

"Xena.... what the bard said is true — and you know it."


*********


She had forgotten about the stories. Ares would never have had a Chosen by the rules set down in them though. No — surely not. Had he not been the one to tell her that love had no place in war or a warrior's heart? Didn't he belittle the warriors that went home when the longing for their families and sweethearts grew too much to bear?

War can't love.

She galloped on, willing the wind to push the thoughts out of her head, through the dark waving mane, and onto the road behind her.


*********


When Joxer and Gabrielle caught up to Xena a few hours later, she was relaxing from the vigorous ride in a pleasant glade with cheese and bread laid out beside her. Argo grazed a short way off, welcoming the cooling breeze after the workout.

Gabrielle dismounted and approached the warrior uncertainly. "Hi."

"Hi. Thought we could use some lunch."

Joxer was already at Xena's side helping himself to bread and cheese. He glanced at her but as she raised her eyes to his he shifted his gaze quickly to stare out over the glade. He sensed the troubled spirit but it wasn't his place to ask. And yet.... He glanced back down to find her still looking up at him. "If I happen to get the opportunity, maybe," he thought. His eyes held hers for a suspended moment before she looked at Gabrielle. Confusion? Did he see confusion in her eyes? He mentally shrugged his shoulders. Nothing he could question now — not that he was certain he would have the nerve to question her anyway. But there was something... some... kinship there. Kinship? What kind of kinship would he have with Xena, Warrior Princess?


*********