I Hate Myself For Losing You
Chapter One
My Immortal
AGLNAOGHAWOENAOIWHENGNWAEGHNWAOEG!!!!
Edward Cullen's alarm clock buzzed in some language that he obviously knew. He knew he didn't need his alarm clock to wake up in the morning but he liked to feel more human in his never ending life. He sighed, his breath echoing in his empty room, a deep contralto of a voice that will never know the end of time itself.
He slowly got up from his bed, the silver sheets not making a sound against his ice skin. He looked quickly into his reflection in a mirror that hung over his bed and sighed once more. He did that constantly, he sighed in class, he sighed at home, anywhere. There was one reason he sighed almost every moment in his life. He wished he didn't have to remember the moment where his life broke like a rock was thrown at a car's window.
He looked down. He couldn't bear to think about it. He shivered at the memory; he never did that unless he knew it was a day that school wouldn't help his heart at the time. To that, he laid right back to his bed in his black boxers and bare, chalk pale chest. He let his tears of sorrow fall down his cold cheeks and soon, his thoughts drifted, and impossibly, he fell asleep, a long, dead but breathing sleep. It was impossible to do this due to the fact that he was half fallen, half holy.
/~/
"Edward," a light voice called out.
Edward opened his eyes and laid his eyes upon his secret love and best friend: Lesley Roy. He had met Lesley Roy in his first year as a transfer student to Duff high School in 1987, the time of dance pop.
"Come on Edward," Lesley grabbed his hands and Edward felt something in his chest begin to drop like a weight from a building roof. He looked into his beloved's eyes, the deep, chocolate brown eyes that were covered by long, silky eyelashes. He smiled innocently as they walked to the lunch line. It was February 7, a week before Lesley's birthday, Valentine's Day.
Edward blankly stared at Lesley, his eyes wondering mindlessly, taking mental pictures for a rainy day. He didn't know why, but he couldn't resist his fem-like male companion. Their hands were still intertwined with each other as Lesley took a slice pf pizza and a cup of tea; he always bought that for lunch and Edward took another slice of pizza and another tea: he knew Lesley would ask for it. He didn't like to eat in front of other people unless Lesley and he were alone.
They took their seats, wedged between the cheerleaders and the nerds and talked about the release of Tiffany's debut album with Lesley' favorite song "I Think We're Alone Now,"
Lesley took a swig of his drink and looked at Edward's chest. Right on top of its snow white figure laid a necklace that Lesley had made him for Edward's birthday last summer. He never took it off to show that he really liked to be with Lesley. He was afraid to tell Lesley his feelings, afraid that Lesley wouldn't be with him any longer.
"Edward," He looked up to Lesley's eyes and grinned. Lesley tucked back his long black hair and smiled back slowly. He felt his face redden as his words stuttered out. "I was wondering if you were planning to do something tonight,"
He grinned wider and let each word of his answer slur slowly. "No, nothing at all, why?"
"I was um," He loved the way Lesley would push his glasses up his face. He pushed his black jacket's sleeves up to his elbows as he let out the last words. "I was wondering if you would like to come to my house and you know, write some songs or something," His voice grew out at the last word.
Edward flashed his white teeth and murmured a yes. Lesley smiled and the bell rang. They both said bye as they went their separate ways, Lesley to Language Arts and Edward to Geometry.
That was a week before it happened.
/~/
Edward shot up and felt his breath gasp out. The lights of full moon shine on his nearly bare body. He felt sweat trickle down his forehead and his breaths began to go faster. He couldn't stand his dreams making him bear the memories of his old friend Lesley Roy. He felt his tears grow as he recalled the memory of his falling.
He stepped steadily onto the ledge of his banister. He felt the picture of his beloved Lesley in his pocket crumple. He had put on a pair of skin tight jeans that reminded him of Lesley once more. He closed his eyes, feeling the blood in him flow in his veins. His chest was left bare to feel the breeze. His out of control bronze hair fluttered. A black crow echoed its voice in the distance.
He jumped.
He felt the adrenaline move throw his body, its impulse fueling him quickly. His non beating heart thumped lifelessly. He felt the wings of a demon spring from his bare back and he felt the used adrenaline and blood spurt out from his back and splatter the trees surrounding him. The pitch black shadows of the night bellowed at the burning blood that hit the damp ground.
The long, deep black and blood red bat-like wings flapped and moved the air around him out of his way. His black sleeved violet iPod banged his favorite song "Mercy of My Loss," He created it himself putting may song's lyrics together and composing the music and vocals himself. He kept a straight face as the tears fell and he sang to the song.
I dream in
darkness
I sleep to die
Erase the silence
Erase my life
Our
burning ashes
Blacken the day
A world of nothingness
Blow
me away
The truth is
hiding in your eyes
And it's hanging on your tongue
Just
boiling in my blood
But you think that I can't see
It was you and me against the world
I remember the day you slipped away
I blame, I hate myself for losing you
I didn't get
around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I
could see you again,
I know that I can't, I hope you can hear
me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the
day I found
it won't be the same, ooh
You found me when no one else was looking
You're the
best, and yes I do regret
How I could let myself let you go
Now,
now the lessons learned
I touched and I was burned
Oh I think
you should know
I hate myself
for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
I hate myself for
losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And
staring at you is why he's not here
Yeah, you
broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And
you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
Hurt me to see you go away
To see you slip away,
It made me fall apart like a broken mirror
I blame, I hate myself for losing you
I didn't get
around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I hate myself
for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And
staring at you is why he's not here
After he slipped away, you can't live anymore
Where is the mercy of my loss?
I hurt now, no more happiness
I truly regret not telling you
Telling you my inner self, feelings, everything
I regret
I blame, I hate myself for losing you
I didn't get
around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
You found me when no one else was looking
I dream in
darkness
I sleep to die
I miss you and there's no mercy for my loss
The full moon was high in the sky and he flew right past it. Black feathers fell to the ground, slowly and drifty. Another song began, and it was just right for the moment.
An angel's wings flap in the night
Escape the pain, escape the fright
Try to make everything alright
Hold you close in the moonlight
Demon inside us all
Shaking, shivering from the moments
Our last moment together
The candle's lit, I thought we'd be forever
I blame myself after all
I press my lips to your chest
You take yourself away to a better place
But I live on too long
You wished me the best
I was too late
I blame the demon in me after all
There's a demon inside us all
Demons took my angel away
I don't care about the people who've stayed
Can't bear to look at your pale face
Please wake up and tell me you love me
Wake up and don't cry, just breathe on me
Damn the demon inside my soul
After all
Please pres your lips to mine again
Should've told you I wanted to be more than friends
Your angel life came to an end
I was too late
The demon's fault, I beg of my Him not me
Everyone has a demon in them
A demon took my angel away
I was shaken
By your taking
It's not easy breathing
When your heart's not beating
I thought it was forever
You and me together
Nothing will ever be better again
The last time our lips touched
Was the last time I held you my love
I wanted a permanent "us,"
It was just too much
I was too late
Please hate the demon not me,
Who has no demon inside them,
Can't be human
A demon took my life and my angel away
Left with a heart break
The demon couldn't wait
Shook me like an earthquake
Stake at my heart, falling apart
I was just too late
Demons killed you, don't blame me please
There's a demon inside us all
A demon took my angel away
