Empty Chairs at Empty Tables

Shakespeare's Lemonade

Rating: T

Genre: Angst

Summary: Everyone he's lost stays with him, like phantom shadows on the wall. Oneshot.

A/N: I went to see a local production of Les Miserables last night, and I thought this song really fit Dean in some ways. I get the feeling that he sees the people he's lost in almost the same way Marius did. So, I wrote this little bit of rambling set right after Kevin's death.

"There's a grief that can't be spoken. There's a pain goes on and on."~Les Miserables

They're all there with him. Every waking moment, he sees them, those phantoms. Not like a crazy person. He knows they aren't really there. But there are so many of them now they begin to run together. There isn't room in his peripheral vision for all these shadows.

He doesn't dream about them. At least that's something. They're always with him, so why would he?

They couldn't have known. Couldn't have foreseen what their deaths would do to him. Most of them probably had no idea he'd carry them like this. Or maybe they did. Maybe they all knew what they meant to him, but they couldn't talk about it because it would hurt too much. Because everyone he loves dies at some point, and most of them never come back. Did they know? Did they see that getting close to him would get them killed? Did they stick around anyway?

He doesn't count how many people have died under his protection because if he started he would never stop. Seems like everyone who's died since he was born has somehow been his fault. He might be a little crazy if he actually believes that. He does. He really does.

This time, it is his fault. All his fault. No one would ever think not to blame him. Try as he might, he can't see a way out, a way he'd have done things differently. And that scares him the most because if he had to go back and do it all over again, he'd make the same choice.

He'd knowingly seal Kevin's death.

Kevin is dead. Not ten minutes after Dean had asked him for trust.

"I always trust you... and I always end up screwed."

He was right, and Dean knew he was right when he said it. He knew it would all come to a bloody end eventually; he just wasn't expecting it so soon.

It's not soon, really. Kevin's been around a while, and not many friends have lasted longer in the company of Dean Winchester. Bobby holds the record, of course. Though, in terms of actual years working together, Cas has him beat. But Cas has been dead and sort of dead, and human and monster, and everything in between, so maybe he doesn't exactly count. Maybe he's an exception.

But Dean suspects not. He suspects that eventually, Cas will be a shadow on the wall just like the rest of them. And Dean would honestly be okay with that if he could just save Sam. Just Sam, is that too much to ask? Sam is why the others had to die. In some way, it all ties together. Why is it that the one person Dean is determined to protect above all others is the one person determined to get himself killed at every turn?

Sam is so good. He thinks he's not, but he is. He always wants to sacrifice himself, to die for some great cause, and if Dean weren't so selfish, he might let him. He did once, actually. It almost destroyed Dean to let his brother fall into the devil's cage, and he can't do that again. No matter how noble the cause, Dean isn't giving up any more. He's not making any more sacrifices because he never really wanted to be a hero anyway. That stuff's all an act so he can do his real job and imagine he's got a clean conscience. Who is he kidding? Himself, mostly.

Priority one: save Sam.

Worry about the ghosts later.


"My friends, don't ask me what your sacrifice was for; empty chairs at empty tables..."