"Do you and Gladio hate me, Ignis?"
"Why ever would you think that?"
He laughs, "Well, I just figured you did since we're going to the 'doctor' again." He presses his forehead against the car window. "She doesn't understand me at all and she isn't helping me any. It's just a waste of time going there."
"She said that you've made progress though," Ignis remarks. He sounds tired, and he can only imagine it's because of him. "She's really trying to help you."
"You need to have an open mind, Prompto." Gladio glances at him through the rear view mirror. "If Iggy thinks this is helping you, then we gotta keep doing it until there's a breakthrough."
"Breakthrough, huh?" He laughs more. "There's not a speck of hope left for me. I pray every day that the gods just take me. I have no purpose now. I'm just a waste of air... Space... Skin."
Ignis says nothing, he hears Gladio breathe in deeply and exhales slowly. He knew that Gladio wanted to so fiercely tell him off, to tell him to 'shut the hell up' and 'quit talkin' like that'. He closes his eyes, he knows both of his old friends are at the end of their ropes with him, even if they say they're not. He couldn't blame them, really. He had become a terrible person and he wasn't getting any better. He wasn't all there anymore. He wasn't himself. His old self had died, three years ago, along with him. Along with his King, his precious King. The man he would have gladly died for, the man he would have done anything for, the man he was desperately in love with.
Every day, every minute, every hour, is now nothing but misery for him. He's in a constant, never ending battle with himself. His emotions strangle him, his memories torment him, even his dreams betray him when he wishes to rest. Though the fight doesn't last long. When there's no more fight in him, he turns to gin, to rum, to whiskey, to whatever alcoholic beverage that can numb him and cause him to forget everything... Even if it's just briefly.
He opens his eyes and stares bleakly out of the window. In the distance he sees their destination. That tall building that accommodates that tiny room on the last floor. The building he goes to unwillingly every week, Dr. Ellyn's office. He scowls when he thinks about sitting in that room with her for an hour, answering the same damn questions just as he always did. Recalling old memories unwillingly just as he always did. Opening up to her and telling her all his deepest secrets as he was always forced to.
"You know, it's not too late to turn around and just go back home," he says, a hint of desperation in his tone. Gods know how much he doesn't want to go through this.
"We're already here," Gladio states. "We aren't leavin' till your appointment is done and that's that."
Prompto grabs at the knees of his pants, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure you guys hate me."
They weren't in the waiting room for very long before Dr. Ellyn called him into her office. He was at least hoping he could avoid the woman for another ten minutes at best. 'It'll be over before you know it.', is what Ignis had told him before they even entered the building. He knew it was never like that though.
"Prompto, how are you?"
Prompto hears the door shut behind them, and thus begins their hour session. He sighs and mutters a, "Fine." under his breath. He doesn't bother asking her the same thing, because to be blunt, he really could care less how she was. He just wanted to get this done and over with.
"Just fine?" She questions, taking a seat at her desk. "Come in and sit down."
"Guess you don't think I'm being 'honest' with you, do you?" He retorts making his way towards that stupid, slippery, leather chair. "Doesn't surprise me in the least."
"I never said that, dear."
"Don't call me, dear." He snaps, cutting his eyes over at her. "Listen, let's just get this over with so I can get out of here."
The older woman remains silent, she's going through papers in a folder that he only assumes that is his. What she's even looking at? Heaven only knew. She sees him every week, what could she possibly need to look back on? Finally, she clears her throat, "Alright, let's get started then. Going back to how you said you were 'fine'."
"Gods, why does even matter?" Prompto sighs heavily, but decides to humor her. "Yes, I'm fine. Not great, not bad, just fine."
"Understood," Dr. Ellyn replies, taking out a pen. "Let's talk about your week. What did you do? Have you been using the journal that I gave you?"
"No," Prompto says without missing a beat. "I don't get how you think writing down my thoughts and feelings is going to help. When my thoughts and feelings are kind of my 'issue'."
"I see."
It's quiet between them for a moment, and then Prompto speaks again, "I didn't do much this week. Mainly stayed in bed and tried to sleep. Oh, speaking of which, those sleeping pills that you prescribed to me? Yeah, they aren't doing shit for me."
"Perhaps, you need a stronger prescription." Dr. Ellyn suggests when she looks up at him. "I'll write you another one."
He just shrugs and stares up at the ceiling. Why was she even going to bother? It wasn't like it was going to help anyway, he was still going have the nightmares. There is more silence between the two. The clock on the wall and the sound of scribbling on a notepad can only be heard. He knows she's waiting for him to continue and so reluctantly he does, "I went to Noct's grave this week. Stayed there for hours just rambling on and on, just like he was there."
"What were the results of that afterwards?"
"I was tired and my entire body ached. My heart felt like it was bleeding." Prompto ran his hands down his face and softly continued. "I just want to see him."
"But, you can't," She remarks. Prompto is slightly surprised she even had heard him utter anything. "His Majesty is dead, and has been dead for three years."
Prompto turns his head towards her and gives her a grimace look, "You know, you say the damnedest things sometimes, doc. As if I didn't know he was dead. As if... I didn't watch him walk up those stairs marching straight into his own damn demise. As if-!"
He cuts himself short and turns his head away. Sadness and a ping of anger are beginning to swell up in his belly. Prompto hates how the terrible memory is flooding back in his mind, flashing before his very eyes. He begins to recall their final glance, Noct's final words to him, their personal and very intimate moment they shared before he had to depart. He breathes, his breath hitching slightly, "He didn't deserve that shit. He didn't deserve anything that he went through."
"No, no he didn't. King Noctis was a good man, a very noble one at that." Dr. Ellyn states. Prompto feels that small ping of anger grow into a bigger spark. Why was she talking about him as if she really did know him, as if she knew all that he had gone through. She had no clue.
"And he was stolen away from me," Prompto states, his tone now dripping with irritation.
"You seem so possessive over his Majesty."
"That's because he was mine."
"Are you certain about that? About your, 'relationship' with the King, I mean? After all, he was engaged to Lady Lunafreya. I imagine he was very much in love with her."
"Yes, you can imagine that he was. But, imagining and knowing are two different things." Prompto argues, sitting up. "I know what Noctis felt for me. I felt it every time we kissed, every time we touched, even in his glances. I knew he loved me."
"Are you sure that it wasn't just your own emotions? Are you sure that what you felt for Noctis was even love, as you claim?"
"The hell are you tryin' to say?" He hisses, his hands balling into fist.
"What I'm trying to say, Prompto," She begins firmly. "It's possible that these said 'feelings' you had for him and this relationship you claimed that you were in, may just be all in your head.."
"I feel like you got more to say, doc. Say it." The words come out as a dare, a threat almost. But it was her fault, she was the one that had provoked him to this point.
Dr. Ellyn continues, a slight hint of nervousness in her tone, "Not only do I find that your feelings towards his Majesty are improbable, but I also find it impossible that he had any romantic relations with you." She pauses. "You're a citizen, a male citizen at that. Surely, he didn't want to taint his reputation."
The spark of anger began to grow into a flame with every word this woman spoke. He clenches his jaw, "I assure you, he was definitely not thinking along those lines. It didn't matter that I was a guy. He knew who he loved and he couldn't help who he loved."
"Please, define to me what you believe that love is."
Prompto is staring daggers into this woman. What kind of doctor, no, what kind of person questions another person's love for someone, especially when it was true and real?
He's unsure if he even wants to answer her question. He'd probably give her the wrong answer or she probably wouldn't believe him. Once again, he humors her, "It wasn't what he and Lady Lunafreya had, if that's what you're thinking," He began. "Luna loved and cared about him, and I don't doubt that. But, on Noct's end, it was different."
"Pray tell. How was it, 'different'?" The older woman presses leaning back in her chair.
"Noctis loved Luna, but it wasn't in a romantic sense. He told me Luna was like an older sister to him more than anything. The day she was murdered-" Prompto closes his eyes, remembering the agonized expression Noct had had on his face when Luna died. It was a look that he had never wanted to see again. "The day she was murdered, he was devastated. He felt like he had pretty much lost all his family."
"He told you he saw Lady Lunafreya as an older sister? Or were you telling yourself that?"
Prompto scoffs, this woman, she was truly, truly hysterical, "Fuck, like you'd believe me if I told you." He conveys harshly before pushing himself away from the desk.
"Prompto, please sit down. You need to listen to me and consider that-"
"Consider what?"
Really, what the fuck was he actually going to consider from her? It was now apparent that this entire time this woman thought he was delusional. She thought that his feelings for Noctis and their relationship was a trick of his mind. There was absolutely nothing to consider here.
"Consider that you weren't in a real relationship with King Noctis. That it's even possible that he may have been using you for his own selfish desires," She says without hesitation. "And that you might be doing more damage to yourself because of this assumption that you were loved by Noctis."
That did it. She had thrown the whole can of gasoline on the flame that had been burning inside of him. He turns away from her, "I'm done here," He says through gritted teeth. "I don't wish to continue this session. It is very clear and has been clear from the beginning that you were never going to be able to help me."
"Prompto-"
"Shut-up. Just shut-up."
She tries again, "Prompto, you need to-"
He cuts her off again by slamming his hands on her desk, "I said, shut the hell up!" Prompto's anger is now a raging fire inside. It's burning in his stomach and it's spreading up into his chest. "You don't fucking know anything! You don't know what we had! You don't know how he felt, or how I felt! You don't know the pain the two of us went through, about the damn tears that were shed!"
Prompto's sure everyone in the whole damned building could hear him screaming at this insignificant woman. At the moment, though, he didn't give two shits.
"You don't know how devastated I was to know that I couldn't be with him, not like I wanted to! Or how I felt when I couldn't keep my promise to him! How I felt standing there at his grave, after hisfuneral!" Prompto shouts, and shit the tears are coming. "He was my first love, and even if he did use me, it wouldn't have mattered! I would let him use me every time...! Again and again and again and again, however he saw fit...!"
He drops to his knees and presses his forehead against the front of the desk. Tears begin flowing down his cheeks. His body trembles ever so slightly, " I don't care what you say, I loved him..." he sobs. "I-I still love him and I miss him and my life hasn't been the same without him."
He can hear is heart pounding in his ears and his chest beginning to tighten, "It hasn't been the same." he whispers, burying his face in his hands. "And it never will be again."
And in that moment, Prompto breaks down. He begins to sob uncontrollably. The rage he had moments ago had completely left him and was replaced by overwhelming sorrow. He knew, from the beginning that no one, absolutely no one would be able to comprehend the pain he felt.
