You re avoiding me and I try not to come in your way. Candy if only you knew that the severest punishment for everything I ve done is for me not no be able to congratulate you on your birthday, send you roses and rejoice at seeing your smile! And it s so damn fair that I don t have this chance. Hating you was easy, loving you became as natural as breathing, but now it s too late for it. You think I haven t understood I made another mistake, this time the last one, by that stupid marriage. What should I do now? Of course formerly I should have Oh what's the difference? Yes I tore off your ticket, what does it matter now what a great of troubles I caused you! I ruined everything myself. I m the only person whom such an angel like you began to hate. The only thing left to me from you is the handkerchief you used to bandage my hand that day. You looked at me with such kindness and sympathy, it was, now I understand it, the happiest moment in my life. The white handkerchief, that s everything left to me. I wish I could come back in those childhood days, I wish I could set straight all my mean deeds by kneeling to you those days! I would lay at your feet now but it s too late! Everything was paid off and the account is closed. I ve been cut off from you and your friends. I wish there were at least one good deed in my past to justify myself in your opinion! But there was none Maybe you ll forgive me, you forgive everybody and bear no grudge, but now I won t forgive myself. I can t look you in the face, I can t talk to you. I don t even dare dream of just making friends with you. The most horrible thing Candy is to hate oneself. I hate myself for everything I did. When I think of you, and now I do it constantly, I try to recollect bright minutes of our encounters, to find comfort at least in my memory Candy!!! I see, I remember only evil, evil that I caused you all the time since our first meeting. My every action I remember with dreadful clearness, I remember every word, every meanness that I did then and not so long ago! How much I hate myself!!! Everything that used to seem funny and amusing now appears abominable, everything is baseness and dirtiness, humiliation. I won t ask you for forgiveness because I m not worth of it. And I shall never be. If only I could tell it anyone who may as well advise me what to do. Eliza, mother I m alone. I m alone in my enlightenment, I m both the judge and executioner of myself. Candy I love you, today is your birthday and you deserve that the person like me doesn t spoil your mood this day. I wish I could leave you in peace! I would do it if I could. But I can t, I can t generously step aside, I can t just wish you happiness and be glad for you from a distance. I m sitting and writing this letter, I m going to send it to you with the bunch of roses. Even if you throw away the flowers, although no, you ll probably give them to somebody, I ll know at least that your hands have touched them. You see I ve nearly gone mad. I m a pathetic and mean louse, I m a worthless person, I don t deserve even to look at you after everything I did and nevertheless I can t leave you alone, I can t help writing to you. Because I love you Candy.
Neil leaned back in the armchair and put aside his pen. There were some crumpled pieces of paper under the table. A big beautiful bunch of red roses lay on his bed. Frowning Neil began to reading again what he d written.
Nonsense, sloppy sentiments He said gloomily. No way, she might as well pity me Dammit, no let her better hate me!
Another wrinkled sheet of dropped fell on the floor, Neil wrote a tiny note.
Candy anyway you ll be mine! Neil.
Then he shoved the piece of paper in the flowers and called the messenger.
