TITLE: Perfect Match
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
SUMMARY: Pre-TPM. (Obi-Wan is 13) Non-slash. Obi-Wan's shrink is going a study on master and padawan relationships. He picks Jinn and Kenobi as his first test subjects.
FEEDBACK: Yes, please.
ARCHIVE: Ask me first.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.

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Perfect Match
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(Nev Daloon, temple healer and personal shrink to Obi-Wan Kenobi, wandered the halls looking for anyone who would be able to provide him with information about that particular apprentice and his venerable master, Qui-Gon Jinn. He was doing a study on master/padawan relationships and thought who better than Jinn/Kenobi to be his first targets.)

Nev: Master Bren! Hi. Could I speak with you for a few moments?

Bren: Hi, Nev. What's up? No padawan's around for you to strip down to bare emotions and send home crying?

Nev: I resent that. What I do is very beneficial to apprentices who have a hard time dealing with Jedi life or emotional issues. I'll have you know I've helped quite a few in my day and many have gone on to be great Jedi Knights.

Bren: Yes, I'm sure they have. Then how do you explain Obi-Wan?

Nev: Ah, well, young Kenobi is a story by himself. And is the reason that I wanted to talk to you.

Bren: You're not gonna lock him away. Come on, he's not that bad. Just a little nutty is all. He's been better since Qui-Gon got home from his vacation. Give him a break, Nev.

Nev: Hello!! Did I say anything about locking him away? No, I don't think so. I like the kid, he keeps me in business.

Bren: Yes, I've heard about the prices you charge Qui-Gon for the visits. His eyes bug out of his head every time he gets a bill from you.

Nev: Hey, you want quality care, you have to pay for it. Anyway, as I was trying to say before you started ranting about locking him up, I need your help. I am starting a study on master/padawan relationships. I need a pair to get my project underway. I thought those two would be a good place to start.

Bren: That's great. You couldn't have picked a more...uh...interesting team. Or should I say entertaining?

Nev: Right, so tell me about them. Is it a solid relationship?

Bren: Uh, well, define solid.

Nev: Just tell me about how they interact.

Bren: The kid is a nut and he drives his master to drink. That's pretty much their relationship.

Nev: But they care about each other?

Bren: Oh, sure. It's a bit one-sided on the kid's part. You know Obi-Wan, always after hugs. He's much more open with his emotions. Qui-Gon will never actually admit that he loves the boy, but I know he does. He's afraid if he gets to emotional with him, the kid will get all mush happy and lose complete focus on his training. So he has his best interests at heart.

Nev: Would Obi-Wan do better with a different type of master? One who is at ease with his emotions?

Bren: You mean a master who hugs?

Nev: Yes.

Bren: Nah, Qui-Gon wouldn't know what to do with a normal apprentice. Obi-Wan has trained him well.

(The conversation stopped as the pair in question came wandering down the hall. Obi-Wan was yapping about nothing in particular.)

Obi: And you actually ate that? How disgusting. Master, that is just...icky.

Qui: Somehow I knew you'd react that way. Nev, Bren. Hi.

Bren: Hey, Stretch, kid. We were just talking about you. OW!

(Nev kicked her in the shin and gave her the 'shut up' glare.)

Qui: You were?

Bren: Uh, ah, no. Not really. Sorry. So, how's my favorite Jedi Master?

Qui: Missing my favorite Jedi Master. How about dinner tonight?

Bren: Dinner and?

Obi: Just stop before you even start. I know where this conversation is going. We are NOT going there. I've had a clean, adult mush free day thus far. Not to mention that I just ate lunch. Spare me, okay?

Bren: No morning hug today, huh?

Obi: Nope. Not even a hair ruffle. I am cranky, be warned.

Qui: Yes, and we were just heading to the sparring gym to work some of that crankiness off. Let's go, Padawan. Bren, I will call you later.

(As they headed off down the hall, Nev turned to Bren.)

Nev: Okay. Well, at least I know this little box here that is labeled, 'normal relationship' won't have to be checked off. Thanks for your help, Bren. I'll need to talk to others now.

~~~~~~~~

(Thirty minutes later the healer stumbled onto another friend of the master and apprentice team. Brazo was just returning to his quarters after a deep meditation session. Nev called to him from the end of the corridor.)

Nev: Brazo!

Brazo: GOOD MORNING, NEV! (A huge hug followed.)

Nev: Okay, let me go. You look refreshed from your vacation.

Brazo: I am. I needed that. Especially after dealing with that...that...boy.

Nev: I thought you enjoyed Obi-Wan's company.

Brazo: I've never been exposed to his wrath before. It was, uh...nerve wracking. But I am back to my normal self now. So, what can I do for you?

Nev: Well, actually I wanted to talk to you about Obi-Wan.

Brazo: NO! Lalalalalala. I don't hear you. Lalalalalala.

(Brazo covered his ears with his hands and began to walk inside his apartment. Nev followed.)

Nev: Brazo! BRAZO!!!

Brazo: What? I don't want to talk about him. You don't know how hard it was to get over that experience. I had nightmares. If I talk about it, it will only stir things up again. I can't do that, Nev. Please don't make me go insane again. Please!

Nev: I think you should set up an appointment to see me. You might think you are back to normal, but you are this close to losing it again.

Brazo: I am fine. Now please tell me what you want to know, so that I can go hide in my quarters for the rest of the day.

Nev: I am doing a study on master/padawan relationships. I would like your take on Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan.

Brazo: Qui-Gon will die of a stress related illness very soon if he continues to work with Obi-Wan. The boy is dangerous. They all sense it, why can't he?

Nev: So, you would say theirs is a strained relationship?

Brazo: It's a loony one. Obi-Wan is the reason that duct tape was invented.

Nev: Do you think Qui-Gon cares about his padawan?

Brazo: I assume he does or he would have thrown him back by now.

Nev: And does Obi-Wan care about Qui-Gon?

Brazo: Obi-Wan loves everyone. That's one of his problems. If you hug him, he'll love you forever. Even if you ruffle his hair, he'll latch onto you and never let go.

Nev: We have a stoic master and an over-friendly apprentice. Why do you think Yoda thought this paring was so right?

Brazo: Never believe anything the troll says. He and his backwards lectures are almost worse than motor-mouth Kenobi. Never trust a troll. Words to live by, my friend.

Nev: Right. That reminds me, I should speak with Master Yoda about this as well. Anything else you can offer about Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan?

Brazo: That child is a nut. I never really knew it until I was put in charge of his care. I have learned my lesson the hard way.

Nev: Okay, this has been helpful, I guess. Thank you, Brazo.

Brazo: Would you like a hug?

Nev: No, I'm okay with the whole mush business. Talk to you later.

~~~~~~~

Obi: Master, I heard Mr. Nev talking about you earlier. He was saying something about you not caring about me. Is that true?

Qui: What? Obi-Wan, don't listen to hallway gossip. You know you always miss that key part of the conversation that explains everything. I do care about you.

Obi: Prove it.

Qui: How?

Obi: Hug me.

Qui: Oh no you don't. Now I see what your little ploy is. This is just another one of your manipulative schemes to get mush. Stop it now.

Obi: Awww, Master. You do care. You always accuse me of manipulating you when you can't say the words. I love you too, Master.

Qui: Okay, fine. That's done and out of the way. Would you like to finish this sparring match now?

Obi: Yes, now that I know your true feelings for me. Thank you, Master. Let's spar!

~~~~~~~~

(Nev next ran across Healer Terran Va'lor in the temple's medical ward.)

Terran: Nev! It's rare that you make it down this way. What's the occasion?

Nev: I need to ask you a couple questions about Qui-Gon and his apprentice.

Terran: Oh no, what did Obi-Wan do now? Who's hurt?

Nev: No, nothing like that. I am doing a study on relationships. I just wanted to get your view of how they interact with each other.

Terran: Well, despite the fact that Obi-Wan is a bit of a handful and has that whole mush obsession problem, as well as the fact that he REALLY likes to talk...I think they get along okay. Qui-Gon hasn't killed him yet, and that's a good sign. Obi-Wan is just what Qui-Gon needs after something like Xanatos. Although I do my best not to hug him, because then he just won't leave.

Nev: How has Qui-Gon changed since he's accepted Obi-Wan as his student?

Terran: He gets that deer in the headlights look a lot. And he's thought about investing in duct tape and earplugs. But he's actually more mellow than a few years ago. I think Obi-Wan has gotten to him in this past year. As yappy as Obi-Wan is, he does have a way of winning people over.

Nev: So, the pairing is right.

Terran: In this case, yes. One would never guess it from just a casual meeting with those two, but after you get to know them, you can understand it. Now, if you paired Obi-Wan with a so-called mushier master, I think you'd have major problems. The boy would be a padawan until he was fifty years old. At least this way, with Qui-Gon, he's able to get some training in between the begging for mush and the extraordinary ability to talk all the time.

Nev: Perfect. Thank you, Terran.

~~~~~~~

Obi: Master, this is strange. I just saw Mr. Nev talking to Healer Terran when we were walking by. I know I heard my name and the word mush being used. I think he's spreading rumors about us. I bet he's telling people not to hug me anymore. Why would he do that, Master? What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment? Is asking to start out the day with a hug so wrong?

Qui: What have I told you about overreacting?

Obi: Not to.

Qui: And what are you doing now?

Obi: Not listening to you as usual.

Qui: At least you admit it.

Obi: There is something screwy going on around here, and I intend to find out what it is. Do you need me for anything else?

Qui: Excuse me? Since when did you become the master?

Obi: Master, this is important. My future career as a knight may be on the line.

Qui: You will have no future career as a knight if you do not do as you are told and complete your training. So, in answer to the whiny question that I know is coming. No! You cannot follow Nev around the temple trying to spy on him and see if he's out to ruin your reputation. You can behave like a normal...uh...at least semi-normal apprentice and obey the rules that I set forth. Understand?

Obi: Masterrrrrr.

Qui: Do NOT whine. Now, let's get some lunch and then we will follow with a meditation session in the gardens. Come, Obi-Wan.

Obi: My shrink is out to get me and you could care less.

Qui: Nev is there to help you and to offer reprieves for me from you and your flapping lips. He is not out to get you. To the dining hall. Now.

~~~~~~~

Yoda: Requested my time you have. Information you require?

Nev: Yes, Master Yoda. Tell me about Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. Why is the pairing right?

Yoda: Unmushy, Qui-Gon is. Needs Obi-Wan he does.

Nev: Is unmushy a word?

Yoda: Matters not, it does. Hugs like a troll, Qui-Gon does. Stop this we must.

Nev: Like a troll...okay. Ah, so this is a team that will do great things as Obi-Wan matures?

Yoda: A great Jedi he will be.

Nev: And Qui-Gon is better for having taken Kenobi as an apprentice?

Yoda: Stick in the mud, Qui-Gon has always been. Loosen up he must.

Nev: Makes sense to me, I think. Thank you, Master Yoda. This information will be very helpful.

Yoda: Wish to see Yaddle in her birthday suit, you do?

Nev: No, I don't think so. I haven't suffered from nightmares for quite some time. Don't think I want to change that. You and Yaddle have a good time in whatever you are doing.

Yoda: Wish to join us in the hot tub you do?

Nev: I have to go now.

Yoda: Watch my sexy troll dance you will.

Nev: I can't hear you. Lalalalalalala.

(He covered his ears and ran from the room leaving Yoda with an odd smirk on his face.)

~~~~~~~

(Nev kept running until he crashed into a large form.)

Nev: Oh, Qui-Gon. I'm sorry.

Qui: It's unusual for you to be running through the temple.

Nev: I had to make sure I wasn't being followed. I just had a very strange and freaky conversation with Yoda. Weird little troll.

Obi: You should see what he and Yaddle do in the hot tub. Talk about NASTY!

Qui: Obi-Wan, no one wants to hear about that.

Obi: I had to watch it, consider yourself lucky if you only have to hear about it. That is not something that a young, innocent padawan like myself should be forced to see with his own eyes.

Qui: Innocent?

Obi: Problem?

Qui: No, of course not. It's just that innocent and Obi-Wan are two words that I would never use in the same sentence.

Obi: Then you should learn to expand your vocabulary.

Qui: Nev, you have met my voluble and loquacious apprentice, haven't you? He suffers from a serious ailment called logorrhea.

(Obi-Wan's face filled with confusion as Nev began laughing.)

Obi: I am valuable? How much am I worth?

Qui: Voluble. Not valuable.

Obi: Master, you know better than to use words that I can't pronounce. What does that mean?

Qui: It means that you should learn to expand your vocabulary.

Obi: Ha ha ha. Funny. Okay, but seriously. What did you call me?

Qui: Nothing that is not true.

Obi: Master!

Qui: It will give you something to research later this evening, instead of watch a Lima holo.

Obi: You know I can't sleep unless I get to see Lima before bed.

Qui: Tough.

Nev: You two are very entertaining, do you know that?

Obi: Yes.

Qui: I was going to take Obi-Wan to the senate to show him how things work there. Would you care to walk with us, Nev?

(Thinking that this would be a good excuse to observe the pair after getting the information on them from the others, Nev tagged along. He thought Qui-Gon's idea of allowing his apprentice to see the senate at a young age was a good learning tool. Although it would take some time for the boy to understand the political game, early exposure was valuable. Nev was interested in seeing how Obi-Wan responded.)

~~~~~~~~

(They arrived at the senate offices. There were several smaller party meetings going on in a large, open room. There were wide walkways between the various meeting rooms, and Qui-Gon decided to lead his student in a slow walk through, and let him observe and listen. Obi-Wan smiled and his eyes got bigger. He'd never seen anything like this before, politicians of so many races and species. But the one thing he noticed more than anything, was all the gray hair.)

Obi: Master, these guys are OLD! Damn!

Qui: Shhh. Padawan, stop that. They are not old, just...mature.

Obi: No, they are old. Look at all the wrinkles, the white hair, the canes. Wow. These are the people that make decisions for the entire galaxy?

Qui: Yes.

Obi: No wonder the galaxy is all screwed up.

Qui: Obi-Wan!

Obi: I didn't know people lived this long. If I touch one of them, do you think the skin will break off in my hand?

Qui: Obi-Wan, that is disgusting. Behave yourself please.

Obi: Oh man, look at that guy. He looks like he's from the show Tales from the Jedi Crypt. His face is all sunken in. I don't think he has any lips.

Qui: He has lips.

Obi: And that guy, he's like fossil old, but look at the size of his head. Imagine if that head was on Poofy's neck. Can I try and pop it, Master?

Qui: No. Leave it alone.

Nev: Qui-Gon, they are starting to stare at you. You'd better zip the kid's mouth.

Qui: Nev, if it was that easy to shut him up, I would have done it a long time ago.

Obi: Master! Is it possible for someone to be older than dirt?

Qui: PADAWAN!

Obi: Well, look at him! That guy there, if that is not ancient than my name is not Obi-Wan Kenobi. OH FORCE! I think that guy is gonna crumble right there at the table. Can you say feeble? I can. If a gust of wind comes up suddenly, he is gone!

Qui: Come on, let's go. Out of here now.

Obi: But, Master, this is a good experience for me.

Qui: I thought that originally, but I see now that I was mistaken. You're inability to control your lips will be your downfall.

Obi: I'm not gonna fall down. Let me stay. I want to watch more of this. This is wild. I want to see who drops dead first.

Qui: No! OUT! NOW! Move!

Obi: You're no fun. I finally find something I am really interested in and you are making me leave.

Qui: That is not a healthy interest. It's just you being weird again. Come on.

(Qui-Gon had to drag the boy out of the room, the entire time Obi-Wan would marvel at yet another old senator. And crack himself up with old jokes. Qui-Gon's face was beet-red by the time they reached the exit. Nev just strolled behind them, whistling to himself, and pretending he didn't know them.)

Nev: Maybe observing these two was a mistake. I am sure they are not a good representation of all master/padawan relationships.

Qui: Keep walking, Obi-Wan. Did you say something, Nev?

Nev: No, just thinking out loud.

Obi: Master, we have GOT to go there again. I have to tell all my friends about this. They have to know who is running the galaxy. They will die laughing.

Qui: You will not tell your friends about this trip. Each master must let their apprentice learn in their own way. If you contaminate their minds they will never be normal padawans again, and a trip to meet senators will be like a trip to the circus. Keep your lips shut.

Nev: Qui-Gon, have you ever thought about therapy for him?

Qui: Isn't that what I pay you for?

Nev: No, actually I meant group therapy.

Qui: What, Flying Lips Anonymous? Do they have classes for excessive talkers?

Nev: Well, no. Not really. Never mind.

Qui: Obi-Wan, this way. We are going home.

Obi: Mr. Nev, why are you here?

Nev: What?

Obi: Why are you following us?

Nev: Your master invited me along.

Obi: Do you normally tag along with people during the day?

Nev: No, I don't.

Obi: Even if invited?

Nev: Even if invited.

Obi: So, explain yourself. Why are you following us? I know you are up to something. You get that sneaky shrink look when you are plotting things. I've been in therapy with you long enough to know all your strange quirks. What is it that you want? I heard you talking to Master Brazo and Healer Terran about me. Are you stalking me?

Nev: No, Obi-Wan I am not stalking you. If you must know, I am observing.

Obi: Yes, sure you are. Just admit it. You're obsessed with me because I am such an intriguing kid. Trust me, Mr. Nev, I tried the whole stalking deal with Padawan Robi, and it doesn't work. It just makes people think you are nuts.

Qui: Obi-Wan, you are nuts.

Obi: What's your point, Master?

Qui: Keep that up and I will point a bar of soap into your mouth.

Obi: But, Master, he's stalking me.

Qui: No, he's not. He's just...uh...what exactly are you doing Nev? I've seen you talking into your data recorder several times in the past hour. Are you trying to prove me unfit for master duty? I will have you know I am well worthy of being a master. Just because my current padawan is a complete nut, does not make me unsuited to be his teacher.

Nev: Would both of you calm down! You both are nuts. And perfect for each other. If you must know, I am doing a study on the relationships between masters and their padawans. I was hoping to get some information from you by observing and talking to others about you, that might prove useful in the future for helping to pair the correct apprentice with the correct master. That's all I am doing. I am not stalking you. I am not trying to have anyone locked up. I am not trying to strip anyone's master title away. Sheesh. I would hate to see what would have happened had either one of you not found the other. You'd both be lost.

Qui: You are doing a study on relationships. Ah, I see. Okay, so I got a bit paranoid. I blame my padawan. He's a bad influence on me. He makes me say crazy things. Just ignore that little rant I went on with.

Obi: Did we pass?

Nev: Pass what?

Obi: Your test.

Nev: It's not a test, Obi-Wan. It's just me observing. That's all. Just watching the interaction between you and your master.

Obi: So, we did pass.

Nev: No, you can't pass.

Obi: Then we failed.

Nev: No. There is no pass or fail. I am not grading you.

Obi: But if we can't pass, they will take my master away and stick me with someone else. Then I have to break that person in and the cycle starts all over. We have to pass, please don't let me fail. What can I do for you to make sure we get a passing score? Money? Backrub? Buy you dinner? Do your laundry?

Nev: NO! SHUT UP WILL YOU? This NOT a test. NOT a test. Got it? You can't pass. You can't fail.

Qui: Obi-Wan, please stop before your shrink needs a shrink of his own. You are stressing him out. Remember the whole Brazo episode. Do you want to see Nev like that?

Obi: No, Master. I'm sorry, Mr. Nev. I didn't mean to make you crazy. I have that affect on people for some reason. Take some deep breaths, relax. You are starting to hyperventilate. Think happy thoughts.

Qui: Yes, thoughts that don't include my padawan in them. I have thoughts like that all the time. They really do relax me. I dream of training an apprentice who is normal. Then I wake up and see Obi-Wan staring at me. And my happiness is shattered.

Obi: Thank you, Master.

Qui: You're welcome.

Nev: I am thinking that this was a mistake. Perhaps I should study some other team now. I'm sorry to have bothered you both. I must go now. Goodbye.

Obi: But what about my weekly session with you tomorrow?

Nev: Our usual time is fine. But right now, I have to go. Bye.

Obi: Master, is everyone in this place losing it?

Qui: Only the ones who come in contact with you, Obi-Wan.

Obi: Master Bren hasn't lost it yet, and she's around me all the time.

Qui: Yes, well I haven't figured that out yet.

Obi: She's of the stronger sex.

Qui: Don't go there.

Obi: Oh yeah, I forgot you can be a chauvinist sometimes.

Qui: Obi-Wan?

Obi: Yes?

Qui: Enough. Give your lips a rest.

Obi: Yes, Master.

(As they rounded the corner, a female voice greeted them.)

Bren: I thought I heard familiar voices. Obi-Wan, what did you do to Nev? He just locked himself in his office and canceled all his evening appointments. I knocked on the door and all I hear is 'lalalalalala.'

Obi: Don't look at me. He's the one who was stalking me and trying to take away my master's master title.

Bren: What?

Qui: Ignore him. Just one of his tall stories.

Obi: Master!

Qui: Shh!

Obi: You know, I'm a little tired of being the third wheel here. I see that look in your eyes, Master. And no, I am not going to listen to any adult mush talk. Let's go spar.

Qui: We sparred this morning.

Obi: I am in the mood to spar again. Come on, Master. Please. Don't make me beg.

Bren: You know he will.

Qui: Yes, and it's always such a degrading site to see. Okay, we will spar again. Bren?

Bren: Sure, I'm game. I've beaten you seven times in a row. Let's see if you've learned my moves yet.

Obi: Don't worry, Master. I love you even though you lose to a woman all the time.

Qui: Thank you for the support, Padawan.

Obi: That's what I'm here for. Nev said we are perfect for each other. Meant to be together. Stuck like glue. Comrades in arms. Friends till the end. Amigo's!

Qui: Obi-Wan.

Obi: I know, I know. I'll shut up now.

Qui: Good boy.

Bren: Come on boys, before the trolls take over the gym. You know how rowdy they get.

Obi: Master, do you really think we were meant to be master and apprentice?

Qui: Despite all the stress and all the nuttiness, yes I do. For whatever wacky reason, the Force brought us together. Who am I to question it's wisdom?

Obi: Good, because it's been hard enough breaking you in. I would hate to have to do this all over again.

Qui: Uh, thank you. I think.

Obi: I wouldn't trade you for anyone.

Qui: You would trade me for Lima.

Obi: Okay, yes I would. But that's it.

Qui: I can live with that.

Obi: Then we don't need Mr. Nev to do a study to tell us that we make a good team?

Qui: Of course we don't. We already know it. Now, do you want to be the first to fall to Bren's saber, or would you like me to?

Obi: You go first. I like watching your reaction when she pins you.

Qui: It's nothing compared to your reaction when she knocks your saber from your hands and clear across the gym.

Obi: She has GOT to teach me that move.

Qui: Come along, Padawan. Let us be defeated together.

Obi: It's more fun like that anyway. Together again!

Qui: Same as always.

Obi: Why does that sound so familiar?

END