WARNING: Do not drink blackberry wine then attempt eating a peppermint candy cane before going to bed. You might wind up with more than just a bad dream- the basis for this story. Anyway...
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Harry Potter Universe, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Madonna's 'Santa Baby', The Anarchist's Cookbook, et al...
DISCLAIMERS; If we owned the HP universe we would not be posting here- we would send it to our agent. Who would then send us a nice big.. Rejection letter most likely. All the bad jokes also belong to others- except the skipping song which belongs to the Fragonknight society.,
RATINGS; R for murder, cheap sex and gratuitous filth.. Have I lost any readers yet? The sex is so cheap you may not even notice it if you blink twice.
Our story begins with: Snape was on the warpath again. He had just come from the old Looney's office and he was slightly more than peeved that once again Dumbledore had managed to get him to do something he did not want to. Mainly, he did not want to waste his precious Christmas break teaching Harry Potter the basics of Animagi.
Hearing sounds of laughter and loud squealing from the Great Hall he made a detour in that direction- probably hoping to take points from Gryffindor and ruin someone else's day for once. Merlin only knows how often his days get ruined.
He cautiously opened the door and looked in. And immediately lost all thoughts of being evil to the children. He could not hold back the laughter that bubbled to the surface as he beheld the sight in the Great Hall.
The Christmas Holidays would be starting tomorrow-but for tonight, Harry Potter and his friends were twirling a jump rope and chanting a jumping song as a line of young children from all four houses squealed excitedly and waited for their turn at the muggle game the half-blood and his mud- blood side-kick were teaching them.
Then he was pushed out of the way as Dumbledore entered the Hall and went straight to the head of the line and began chanting with everyone else:
Tommy Riddle copped a shag
All because he dressed in drag.
Wearing heels and hose of net
How many trannies did he get?
Snape counted along with everyone else: one, two, three, four..
He wanted desperately to join in the fun but refrained. It was difficult, but he managed. He was in awe of the fact that Dumbledore could jump rope that well though.( Especially for an old man wearing a dress.) He was definitely going to have to try it himself- maybe when Potter was at his house. Yeah- that could work. Harry and a house elf could do the rope while he jumped. Maybe this being forced to hang out with Potter would not be so bad after all. And if it did not work to his satisfaction, well, there was always the OBLITERATE spell.
Christmas vacation had never been so much fun for Severus. Or Harry. The two of them had settled their differences over a few savage games of jump rope and Harry was mastering Occulumency along with the Animagus work. They were friends of sorts. Severus even grinned as he went about humming the jumping song Harry had made up about him in a fit of pique:
Snapey, Snapey, dressed in black
How many muggles did you attack?
One, two, three, four.
Snape was enjoying teaching Potter to become an animagus. They were currently residing at Severus's ancestral home, a beautiful twelfth century castle in Norfolk. The two of them were having a splendid time walking along the beach at low tide and flying around the Quiddich pitch when the tide was in when they were not working or reading by the fire.
Severus had only been working with Harry for a few days when they got the animagus transfiguration down pat. Severus would not admit to anyone that he was also learning new material. It had been loads of fun to turn into a huge beautiful black snake. It was even more fun to chase the bird around the room until it fell panting on his head and began pecking at him.
So Severus changed back into his usual snarky self and threw the bird across the room. Lucky, as usual, Harry landed on the couch. Letting out an ear-piercing squawk, Harry transformed back into himself also. They glared at each other for a few seconds before Harry decided to revert to animagus form to escape the tirade he saw coming.
Sitting on the couch Harry had been using was a beautiful Macaw. A rather large excellent specimen if he did say so himself. So of course he did tell Severus that very thing. The bird launched into a speech aimed at distracting Sev from vengeance.
And, so, Christmas Eve was upon them before they knew it. The two of them were relaxing, playing Uno and doing shots of butterbeer when their peace was shattered by the intercom buzzing that they had guests.
(Severus found it imminently amusing that muggle technology such as doorbells and security cameras fascinated Voldemort- hence the long drawn out entry procedure whenever the Death Eaters dropped by for some good old- fashioned house elf cooking at Snape Castle.)
Severus glared up at the monitor and swore succinctly. Voldemort's ugly puss was unmistakable and it was way too close to his security camera. He would have to have Buffy the house elf, named after his favorite muggle TV show, clean the damn lens again. Severus shook his head. "Oh shit! There goes the neighborhood."
Harry perked up, "What? Do we have Space Balls on this planet?"
"No, you idiot! We have a dumb, fucking Voldemort at the door."
"And this means we are like totally screwed, right?"
"It means you had better change into your animagus form and then behave yourself, or I will personally give you to Voldemort. He will wring your scrawny neck, pull all of your feathers out, and then eat you for tea during Hogmanay unless he decides to give you to Nagini as a late Christmas morsel."
Harry grinned at him and turned into the Macaw.
He sat on Severus's shoulder and watched as Severus welcomed Voldemort into the compound. He did his best not to burst out laughing as he watched Voldemort then buzz each Death Eater in the party into the compound separately. Harry kept having flashbacks of Monty Python's Holy Grail as he watched Voldie randomly toss Death Eaters into the freezing cold moat.
Finally, everyone was reassembled in the courtyard and then led into the Great Hall. Severus glared at Voldie behind his back for acting like he was lord of the manor.
The glare did not go unnoticed by Harry who then screeched, "Awk, New House." Death Eaters began to glare at him. He glared right back and lowered his head toward Luicus Malfoy. "Awk! New Madam!" A few snickers could be heard before he peered over at Draco Malfoy and Marcus Flint. This time he puffed up slightly before squawking, "New Whores!" And then before anyone recovered from their coughing attacks he spouted, "Hello Voldie." His voice carried across the Great Hall and everyone began snickering at the implied insult: Voldemort visited whorehouses!
Severus decided to ignore the bird since it was so cute. "To what do I owe the honor of this visit, My Lord?" Severus asked wearing his best Christmas sneer.
Lucius was grinning from ear to ear as he answered Severus's question. "We came to show you what my son learned to do." The parrot, now sitting on Voldemort's shoulder, cocked his head until it was upside down, peered intently at Lucius and asked in his annoying voice, "Tied his shoe, awk?"
Draco glared at the parrot, but spoke to Severus. "I have mastered the animagus transformation, Uncle Sev! It is a really cool form. You want to see?" The blond was glowing brighter than the hearth fire.
"Of course, Dragon."
The odd lot of Death Eaters snickered as Draco disappeared and in his place stood a cute little fluffy white bunny... Theodore Nott, Sr., looked at the little rodent type in total confusion. "What the fuck? You dragged us all the way across Britain just to see your idiot kid transform into a rabbit? My son turned into a runespoor and he did not get any recognition."
Lucius gave him an evil glare as he raised his cane warningly. "He is not just any rabbit, you imbecile!"
Nott shook his head in disgust. "Oh spare me." The sneer on his face was just too much for Lucius.
"Draco is a killer; I warn you!"
"You are saying that the cute little fluffy white bunny is a killer." He threw back his head and began to laugh hysterically.
The little rabbit's fur soon became saturated with blood as he sunk his pointy teeth and sharp claws into Nott. When they finally pulled him off, Nott had his throat ripped out and Lucius could be heard to mutter (Just like the old Mr. Malfoy used to do) "They never listen. No! I tried to warn them. But do they listen? No!"
Voldemort finally had to tell him to shut up. Personally, he thought it a rare treat when Lucius used his Scottish accent but it looked like the rest of the Death Eaters were becoming irritated. Lucius stormed over to his usual seat at the head table and sat down. Pouting at everyone else he stuck out his cane and tapped it against the arm of the chair.
While Severus was casting SCOURGIFY on Draco to get him cleaned up, Harry flew over to Lucius and landed on the cane. Lucius growled and glared at the bird. "Get the hell off my cane, you filthy avian." He shook it lightly to get the bird to move.
"Awk! Lucy's a madam." Harry's words irritated the Death Eater and he shook the cane again. This time Harry began bobbing up and down on the cane, extending his neck and acting like a drunken muggle in a disco.
This enraged Lucius to the point he began slinging the cane around wildly shouting for the bird to get off.
Harry locked his wings to his sides and began spinning wildly around the cane until he was finally spun clear from the wood and was launched airborne. He was more than happy that Severus cast a summoning spell and then set him back on his shoulder with the order for him to stay there. He fluffed his wings out and twisting his head upside down as he peered at the smirking Malfoy, he croaked. "What a rush!"
Everyone but Malfoy thought that was funny enough to laugh at. Malfoy just glared at the jewel eyed bird and hissed, "Just where did you get that bloody menace, Sev?"
Severus sneered at Lucius. "I bought him at the Emporium, Lucy." His sexy drawl was laced with sarcasm. "The owner of the pet shop practically gave him to me because he is a filthy mouthed little cretin. And for your information he is a rare breed of Macaw. He isn't just any bloody menace."
Draco, hoping to earn some kudos from his father, said, "A filthy mouthed little cretin, you say? Does that mean his name is Harry Potter?"
Voldemort began cackling loudly at this. "What is his name, Severus?"
Severus grinned, "That is brilliant. Let's see if we can get him to come to the name of Harry." He picked up a piece of fruit and offered it to Harry. "Nice Harry, Want a pear?" He handed it to the bird and thought nothing more of it as he went over to the window to let an owl in that was trying to deliver a message.
Harry darted out the window as the owl flew across the room to Lucius. He could be heard singing, "On my broom again. I can't wait to get on my broom again. Half the fun is throwing hexes at my friends..." As he disappeared into the night.
Everyone looked slightly disappointed as the unscheduled entertainment abruptly ceased. Voldemort especially looked ready to cry. After staring mournfully at the steamed up window for a few seconds he turned to Severus and inquired, "Do you think your bird will return?"
Severus nodded the affirmative. "He probably just went to the owlery. He will be perfectly safe."
"Well, if he comes back bring him to the next meeting. You can show me any new tricks he has learned." He nodded a few times (rather like Dumbledore- it must be a looney old wizard habit) and then continued, "Yes, I definitely approve of your new familiar. He really does brighten up these dreadfully dark robes we wear."
Before he could launch into any more depressing revelations and ruin Christmas Eve completely Severus stood and announced that dinner was ready if his lord and the inner circle would see fit to join him. As Sev sat down he could hear Voldie mumbling quietly to himself about having to wear black robes so that people would not think he wanted to be like Dumbledore.
Severus could not help but murmur a quiet agreement. One never wanted to be associated with Dumbledore if they could help it. After that the party quickly tapered off. It seemed that everyone was eager to go home and have a look through coughTHEIR-cough "SPOUSE's" wardrobe in order to find a more cheerful robe. Or in the case of Crabbe and Goyle, they just intended to run about the house nude and scar(e) the house elves, the rats, mice, cockroaches, and various and sundry other vermin that tends to inhabit abodes lacking the necessary sanitation.
Christmas Day dawned splendidly. Severus had gathered up Harry from the owlery and set off for Malfoy Manor just before daybreak. After collecting Narcissa, who happens to be Sev's cousin, they all apparated to the Artic Circle to watch the Aurora Borealis then had a great magical snow fight. Ciss even did a lovely job singing Santa Baby, much to the delight of Harry who threw himself at her feet and declared he would kill Lucius and marry her himself if only she would keep singing to him.
Severus gave up trying to be remotely snarky when Ciss giggled and pointed out to Harry that he was the same age as her son. Harry willingly agreed that it was true, but just think of all the possibilities: She could train him the way she wanted him... Ciss and Harry both found this so funny that they did not stop laughing until Severus distracted them by putting two penguins under IMPERIUS and making them dance like Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire.
The three of them decided to get back to the Manor. Ciss decided that since it was Christmas she would whip up a treat for Lucius, who was still upstairs worn out from his fashion show last night. Sev and Harry both perked up at the mention of whips and treats, but they groaned and followed her good naturedly into the kitchen to get on with making the hash- brownies.
Narcissa hummed as she worked, dancing around the kitchen instead of accidoing the ingredients. Whenever her back was turned Sev could be seen adding a few more shredded bits of marijuana to the brownies. Harry, who really was not used to his potions master being likeable, just sat and observed. Occasionally he would make a grab for a candy cane, but Ciss always grabbed them back out of his hands and told him not to eat any of that particular basket.
While Narcissa was pulling the last batch of brownies out of the oven, the three of them heard Lucius coming down the stairs. It was rather hard to miss hearing him sing Santa Claus is coming to town since he had cast not only the sonorous on himself, but also hexed his voice to be a bass.
Harry and Severus both dodged into Narcissa's private sitting room. Neither one of the boys wanted to be caught visiting by Lucius even if it was an innocent visit. There was an element in there that just did not mix right when you put death eater, spy, and hero of the light side together.
He swept into the kitchen dressed in a lovely blue and lavender marbled silk robe. It had a splendid mandarin Chinese collar, deep cuffs and it was decorated with white ice dragons that chased each other around the collar, cuffs, and hem. Ciss also spelled the robe to flash ICE MAN every thirty seconds or so. Everyone but the owner of the robe could see the lettering.
He gave her a lovely Christmas kiss that curled her toes and made her upper bits perk up and stick out for some attention. The lower bits were happy too, but they didn't get much say in the matter since they were not allowed out in public. Lucy stole a brownie and hummed softly to himself as he went into Ciss's favorite sitting room to wait for her. She had mumbled something about needing to go upstairs and get changed before they dined.
Lucius's pleasure in the day increased as he nibbled delicately on his brownie. It was utterly delicious and had a wicked herbal aftertaste- just like the tea Severus always served when he hosted DE parties. One always left Severus's house feeling pleasant- a little bit peckish- but pleasant.
His eyesight blurred a little bit around the edges, but that was ok too. After all, it was Christmas, and one should not have to be a DE 24/7 every day of the year.
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