Slowly, as if it was a dream, I crawled down from the attic, silently trying to avoid all the Spanish thoughts that were swirling around my head. Once I was outside, I couldn't help but collapse. I made my way to the forest, and then, I couldn't make even my hands work. I was in total shock. The only thing I could think about was Bella, my Bella.
I don't know how long I lay there, but it must have been hours. Finally, I had the worst thought of all. This was my fault. It was because of me that Bella had jumped off the cliff. It was my fault for not being there to protect her. Then the thought I'd had earlier drifted back into my head. Death was the only way. The only thing I could think of to make the pain go away. If Bella was dead, then there wasn't any reason to live.
Slowly, I crawled back onto my hands and knees, so weak that it took two tries. Once I was on my feet, I took off running, faster than I'd ever run before. I had to let go. To make this pain go away. Slowly, the thoughts Rosalie had planted in my head came back. Carlisle and Esme, standing there, Esme's eyes red, but tearless. I was hurting them, and I knew it, but I would only hurt them worse if I went back. If they saw how lifeless I was, increased 10 fold in the last few hours. No, this was what I had to o. I had to leave, to take myself out of the picture. They would move on and stop missing me when I wasn't there anymore. Ironically, the words I'd said to Bella all those months ago came floating back into my head.
"I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted." Of course, these words were the complete opposite in my case. But that was because Bella had become my whole and entire life. It was different with the rest of my family and me. Bella was all I had, but my family; they all had someone else besides me. I 'm sure they would be sad, well except Rosalie, I don't think she would care much, but they would move on, I was sure of it, or I had to be sure of it, so that I could go and do what I had to do know.
After a few more minutes, I was at the airport. I quickly found the fastest flight to Italy and bough my ticket. The lady at the counter gave me an odd look, most likely in response to my tattered appearance, which quickly disappeared when I pulled out the Gold and black credit card reserved for millionaires. Once I had my ticket, that's when the true torture began. There was still 20 minutes before the plane took off, and then I just had to sit there for the 10 hours plane trip. Once I'd arrived in Rome, instead of taking the connecting flight, which had been delayed 2 hours, I simply took off running. It felt slightly better to e able to move freely again, though I still felt as If I had been thrown in to hell on Christmas.
On the way there, the plans began to form in my head. I'd never heard of a vampire trying to kill himself before, so I didn't have anything to go off. So I decided on the easiest, most direct way I could think of. I would simply ask if they would do it. Plain and simple. If they said no, I had many other options to choose from, but I figured I'd try the easiest way first. And this way, I wasn't breaking any laws. Of course, until recently, I didn't really care about laws. But ever since I'd met Bella, I'd known that she truly was a perfect soul. Which was why I didn't want to change her, why I left, and eventually ended up killing her anyway. As soon as I thought that, a new wave of agony washed over me. But I knew that I had to try to do as much as I could to redeem myself, so that maybe, just maybe, there was a merciful god, and he would allow me to see her one more time, even if that was it. See her smile, hear her laugh, once before I was thrown to hell for everything I had done wrong in my 108 years of life.
