The day I came out of the other side was a turning point for me.
When my friends fought that monster... the side of me I wanted to hide, that was the day I got a second chance. I'd realized that I'd been living in a fantasy, in a castle draped in equal parts luxury and laziness... I wanted to be saved. And I still do. That's a part of me. It always will be.
When that manifestation of myself fell, and gave me my persona, I didn't quite understand what had happened. All I knew was that I had to accept who it was, who I was: someone who just wanted to be swept up by some handsome prince and whisked away to happily ever after.
Fully realizing what I felt, what I was burying in me, lifted a lot of things off my chest. Unfortunately, I had to do this in front of my friends, Yu, Yosuke, and Chie. I really didn't want Chie to see that, to see me be so nasty, to be so envious. I hated that. I hated seeing her face as my Shadow started attacking. I'm glad that she and the others were able to fend it off, but I still don't think I'll ever be able to make it up to her.
When my Shadow, my hidden self, was revealing all of my secrets, she let it slip that I had once thought Chie could be my prince, the one who'd save me from Inaba. I remember when I that first popped into my mind. I was a first year in high school, and I had just finished a math exam. I looked down at my paper, checking answers that were so obviously correct it was silly, just to pass the time, when I looked at Chie, who sat in front of me, one seat to the right. I caught a glimpse of her face as she was solving a problem. She looked so frustrated; her eyes were scrunched up, and she had on a frown that could make even King Moron cry. Then she looked up, and noticed me. She gave me a big, beaming smile immediately, looking down at her paper and making silly faces, until she started pretending that she was Kung-Fu kicking Hanako Ohtani, who, of course, was drooling next to her.
I couldn't stop laughing. I don't think I'd ever laughed like that before, although I think Chie might tell you otherwise, with my stupid giggle fits and all. Thankfully I wasn't too loud, but I was almost in tears. Chie was doing all her different moves on Hanak, which was even funnier, seeing as she was in her seat and all, until the boy next to her told threatened to tell the teacher if she didn't stop "Huahhhh!"-ing. It was amazing.
When I finally quit with my giggling, I asked myself why Chie could always make me laugh. Boys came on to me every day, and sometimes, they were the nicest people, but I never felt at ease with them. I never felt comfortable enough to just let myself go and laugh until my sides hurt; I always felt too embarrassed. But I didn't with Chie. With Chie, I could just be relaxed. And that's when my brain asked me why I didn't just date her.
I mean, that's how I should feel around my boyfriend, right? Isn't that a part of love? Shouldn't you be able to laugh, as well as love, in a relationship? It only made sense. It didn't seem too far out as an idea. I'd never dated; not any boys, not any girls, not anybody in general. Who's to say I could only have a prince? Why couldn't I have a princess?
I had kept that locked away in my mind for a while. I'd figured Chie wouldn't want to date me. You should've heard her talk about Yu when he first came to school; it was almost disturbing how much thought she had put into her little fantasies about him, and he'd only just moved to Inaba. I thought it was hopeless.
Sure, I was embarrassed when my Shadow began talking about how I had thought Chie could've been my prince, but deep down, I almost was glad. I thought that maybe Chie would see how I felt, or how I thought I felt... how I think I could feel. How, that maybe if she felt the same, that maybe she wanted to see if she could laugh with me... Wait? What am I saying?
I never said I loved Chie! I only said that I thought once, that maybe we could... try it out. I mean, just see if it... Oh, what's the use? Whenever I see Chie, I just want her to take me by the waist, bend me over, and kiss me with all the Kung-Fu power she has. Saying that now... it sounds kind of stupid. But, it's the truth. Whenever she talks about Yu, I... I kind of wish we'd never met. I wish that she had never made me laugh.
Toady's Sunday. Chie and I were going to go to Aiya, maybe share a beef bowl, or, rather, Chie was going to eat all the meat out of a stir-fry and give me a few bits of broccoli and a bowl of rice. I don't mind. As long as I get to see her smile.
